Being able to accept and embrace who you are, but still be vulnerable enough to realize you need others.
This is one of the hardest concepts for me. It isn't even material things I seek. In my head daily it's...you will never be smart enough, fast enough, thin enough, strong enough....You are too quiet, too shy, too sensitive, you gotta have tougher skin, gotta speak up, be more outgoing, bla bla bla. This is what I say to myself every day...you're so stupid Elaine. You don't even have a backbone. You're a fat slob. A worthless human being. Selfish.
I would never think these thoughts about others, much less ever say them to anyone. But some days honestly I can't even stand to look at myself or hold my head up. Even if I have worked really hard, put others first, tried my hardest, loved someone. Even if I took care of myself, lived in the most compassionate way I knew how, I still have this self hate and I still don't know quite where it came from and how to overcome it. :/ A lot of it I think is because the qualities I possess are not sought after qualities, but tend to be downplayed or thought of as defects. I am an extreme introvert, I am shy, quiet, sensitive. I am soft, passive. But...I am also passionate, compassionate, extremely patient, caring, hard working, loyal.
I was never really taught to love my body and myself. I was taught...by family, by culture, by social norms, by tragic circumstance....to always put others needs first. To not love my body but abuse it because this is what people do to feel better. They smoke, diet, starve, eat crap and stuff themselves, overwork themselves, never sleep, self cut and other forms of self harm. They push their bodies past the brink and society cheers on the ones who can do the most of this.
The material stuff is just the symbol of success, just the afterthought. Figuring out who I am at the core and loving that person, that's where I feel peace would finally come into my life. Then I could spend more time loving others and less wasting energy on all the negative thoughts and feelings that permeate my brain all the time.
In the end, only kindness matters. - Jewel
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