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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
A freind of mine told me about a guy she knows (who've I've met and he's very nice, attractive, etc.) is single again and looking for that "special woman".<br><br><br><br>
He's a doctor, handsome, sensitive, a handyman, smart, built, and loves animals. Oh, and he cooks, any kind of food you want. He made my friend a portabello sandwich and squash casserole both very tasty.<br><br><br><br>
He tells my friend's husband to be nicer to their animal companions, and he has two cats that he just adores.<br><br><br><br>
But he is from an entire family of hunters, and I know that would really bother me. I think for now I will just get to know him in the company of my friends but I'm not sure if I could ever let it progress from there. What would you do?
 

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Don't chase him; just replace him!<br><br><br><br>
if it's gonna bother you that him and his family are a bunch of rednecks, then it would never work out. Especially if you value your own morals and such. THere will probably be people later on in this thread telling you that you can "change him" or "make him see the light" but in reality these things don't happen.<br><br>
Sorry- that's just how feel about that :S
 

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Is he a hunter or is it just his family? If it's his family, yes that would bother me a lot, but as long as he himself wasn't doing it, I'd probably be ok with it, so long as I could remove myself from situations where the fam is reliving their most recent hunting achievement.<br><br><br><br>
Hang out with him a few times and mention how you feel about hunting and make a comment in passing that you could never date a hunter and see what he says.
 

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I think initially I might "flip" over him, but then the hunting thing would start to eat at me and I would feel the need to change him.<br><br><br><br>
How sensitive can he be if he hunts anyway?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
At first I thought it was more of a family thing, but he hunts, too. He is a country boy at heart. (my more diplomatic way of commenting on his rural lifestyle, like watching nascar- nothing wrong with that!)<br><br><br><br>
Yeah, there are other fish in the sea.
 

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ugg! nascar! That is worse than hunting! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/grin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":D">
 

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I agree w/ Mushroom (which is a rare moment for sure). Nascar is worse then hunting. The hunting I can deal with - I'd rather people to hunt then have cattle farms - but Nascar? /shutter
 

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Yeah. I think the fundamentals have to be in place. All that other stuff is nice, but if the roots aren't growing in the same place, it'll never work in the long-term. Not without some detrimental sacrifices by one or both parties.
 

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I would say, give it some time and get to know him. His values may not turn out to be redneck, even though superficially he seems so.<br><br><br><br>
But if you are already getting that sinking feeling that it would never work out, then don't waste your time.<br><br><br><br>
Hmm, Nascar... at least its not WWF wrestling!
 

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Besides, who says this guy isn't thinking the same think about Thalia as she is about him? His friends may all be telling him "A veg*n? Move on and find a real woman."<br><br><br><br>
I wouldn't want Thalia judged like that, nor would I want this man judged like that as well. A few dates with someone whose views are different then your own won't scar you for life.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block"><i>Originally posted by kristadb</i><br><br><b>Besides, who says this guy isn't thinking the same think about Thalia as she is about him? His friends may all be telling him "A veg*n? Move on and find a real woman."<br><br><br><br>
I wouldn't want Thalia judged like that, nor would I want this man judged like that as well. A few dates with someone whose views are different then your own won't scar you for life.</b></div>
</div>
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But if someone had good reason to think they would not want to be with a veg*n AR person, then I wouldn't mind them judging me as innapropriate for them.<br><br><br><br>
I guess I will be cautious whatever may happen.
 

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Hunting and race-cars? Don't let anything develop; that way you won't have to dump him later when his cleaning of guns while watching Nascar gets to be too much.
 

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No obstacles... only challenges.<br><br><br><br>
You can see it as a challenge. Hunting has GOT to stop in his family, sounds like he would be good material to work with.<br><br><br><br>
I agree with kristadb. Prejudice, fearing the unknown, being judgemental is among the worst human characteristics. Maybe I'm missing someting, but why do we vegans want to separate ourselves from others, again? I think our case is a good and powerful one - no need to hide, let's go out and talk to people. And be good examples.<br><br><br><br>
But on the relashionship thing itself - you'll see what to do. Just take it easy and have fun. Make sure he respects you - truly respecting your vegism is a good test for that <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/wink3.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=";)"><br><br><br><br>
Nascar, on the other hand... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/wink3.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=";)">
 

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Oat: I think sharing a life with someone is at the extreme opposite end of "separating ourselves from others."<br><br><br><br>
I can understand being friends with a hunter/NASCAR fan, or having family into those things (I do, on both counts), but if you're talking about your life partner, and the person who may be raising kids with you some day... I think values and interests need to be a <i>lot</i> more common to one another.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block"><i>Originally posted by Oatmeal</i><br><br><b>No obstacles... only challenges.<br><br><br><br>
You can see it as a challenge. Hunting has GOT to stop in his family, sounds like he would be good material to work with.<br><br><br><br>
I agree with kristadb. Prejudice, fearing the unknown, being judgemental is among the worst human characteristics. Maybe I'm missing someting, but why do we vegans want to separate ourselves from others, again? I think our case is a good and powerful one - no need to hide, let's go out and talk to people. And be good examples.<br><br><br><br>
But on the relashionship thing itself - you'll see what to do. Just take it easy and have fun. Make sure he respects you - truly respecting your vegism is a good test for that <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/wink3.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=";)"><br><br><br><br>
Nascar, on the other hand... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/wink3.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=";)"></b></div>
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I see it as compatibility not judging. I think it would be more judging to date him and hope that he is, "good material to work with". Who am I to tell him to change his whole family lifestyle bc I don't like it? I wouldn't want him to try to change my ways or hope I "see the light". I don't see recognizing that he hunts as prejudicing me against any other qualities. Him being a hunter in and of itself is bad because it would make me angry and emotional thinking about him going out to kill animals.<br><br><br><br>
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't not be his friend bc of that, but I am not sure I would want to commit to someone like that (and that is what I am aiming for)<br><br>
I guess I just think it's too bad that he has all these other good qualities, and that I doubt he'd understand why the hunting thing is so bothersome to me if he ever did like me. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/sad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":(">
 

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Thinking he's good material is not judging him, certainly not in the same way as thinking that you're incompatible. I was the worst meat eater there is and many (most?) people here wouldn't have even considered to become my friend or that I could ever go veg. I hate that, and that is what I mean with judgemental.<br><br><br><br>
I meant something line "I think he's good material, and you're good material too". Let the information and ideas and views flow. THEN you'll see how he is for you.<br><br><br><br>
Personally, I'd rather go (=start) with an intelligent, open-minded not entrenched omni, than a freakishly rigid vegan.<br><br><br><br>
Open mindedness is more important than current values. Is he open minded?<br><br><br><br><br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Who am I to tell him to change his whole family lifestyle bc I don't like it? I wouldn't want him to try to change my ways or hope I "see the light".</div>
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See, this is where we disagree 100%. I'll try to convert any omni to veg, and I'll let any omni try to convert me to meat eating. Please, be my guest. The moment I hear a solid and convincing argument for meat eating, I start eating it. (I just don't think this will ever happen, but I'm listening).<br><br><br><br>
This "can't we just all get along" is nice, and I'm a fan of it, but not if it means to be silent about things and never discuss them. That's just plain dumb. I'd want to do exactly the opposite. If not for my "discuss everything with everybody" vegan friend, I would still be meat eater today. I'm thankful for him wanting to talk to me.<br><br><br><br>
So - let's discuss everything with everybody!!! People change their views about everything all the time anyway and they make changes to their lifestyle constantly. Free flow of information is what we need.<br><br><br><br>
I do think that clashing ideologies and memes have to fight it out. What's wrong with that? I want to learn a lot. I'm not 100% decided about population control of deer for example, I welcome any discussion with hunters.<br><br><br><br><br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">I doubt he'd understand why the hunting thing is so bothersome to me if he ever did like me</div>
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Now <b>that</b>'s what I call judging somebody. Again, a former 100%-meat-guy speaking here. If he's a good and intelligent and open-minded person, why shouldn't he?<br><br><br><br>
Sorry for the rant (I just wanted to clarify my view) - you'll see what to do and how it develops <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">
 

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Oatmeal, I was thinking the same thing. I wouldn't want a man to not want to date me simply because I'm a vegetarian.<br><br><br><br>
I was really disturbed when I saw this remark:<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">How sensitive can he be if he hunts anyway?</div>
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How can you make that judgement? Most of the men in my family hunt and for the most part they're all sensitive, intelligent, and caring people. In fact, I've met several men who didn't hunt who I found extremely insensitive. It's not necessarily hunting/meat eating or not hunting/not meat eating that will make a person insensitive or not, it could be just about anything else.<br><br><br><br>
The odds of finding the "perfect" man are slim to nil. You can keep "fishing" for one, but nobody is perfect. Everybody has their annoying habits, interests, dislikes, and philosophies. What you have to ask yourself after you get to be friends with the guy enough to know him well is if those little things annoy you too much for you to go to the next step into a more serious relationship. You might just find that you like most of who and what he is and he might find the same with you, to the point where you can ignore or put up with his/yours little annoying idiosyncrasies.<br><br><br><br>
Anyway, to cut off my rambling short, give the guy a chance. You have nothing to lose and possibly a good friend to gain. After a few dates you'll know if you have disagreeable person material, friend material, or boyfriend material.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
If I did go out on a date with the guy, would I let him know up front that this was a concern for me? Would that be leading him on, or insulting? If I didn't say anything and then suddenly said I didn't want to date him bc of the hunting thing, don't you think he might say, "Well you knew that from the beginning!"<br><br><br><br>
I certainly would be pissed if someone let me get to like them and then turned around and said, "I can't date a veg after all, like I suspected."<br><br><br><br>
Oatmeal-<br><br>
"This "can't we just all get along" is nice, and I'm a fan of it, but not if it means to be silent about things and never discuss them. That's just plain dumb. I'd want to do exactly the opposite. If not for my "discuss everything with everybody" vegan friend, I would still be meat eater today. I'm thankful for him wanting to talk to me."<br><br>
Well I don't think "can't we all just get along", that is why I am worried about it. I used to date an omnivore, and I did have to be silent about my beliefs and never discuss them bc when we did, we'd fight and I'd feel like we really didn't understand each other and our views were worlds apart. (and I was right).<br><br>
I have no problem debating with a friend, but not with a potential life partner, possibly hinging on the idea that someday they will change.<br><br><br><br>
And I find hunting to be more than an annoying habit. It is a reflection of fundamental values, and what I am trying to decide if it should be one of my deal breakers. And yes, I think everyone should have a few, select, dealbreakers. I know myself well enough to know there are some things I don't want to live with.<br><br><br><br>
But I do think it would be nice to at least be friends. That way nobody is leading anybody on or anything, and I would feel fine discussing stuff with him. In fact, when I was out eating with him and our mutual friends, he seemed a little interested in my vegetarianism even as his friend made fun of me. So I could give him a chance by spending a lot of time getting to know him.<br><br><br><br>
I'm just going back and forth on this bc I am trying to think out loud. Keep any viewpoints coming.
 

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I've been there. Before I went veggie, I dated a guy for 3 years who grew up in a family of hunters and went hunting maybe 2 or 3 times a year. I tried really hard to get over it and/or to try to see things from his side, but in the end I never could. I didn't break up with him SOLELY because of the hunting thing, but it was one of many signs that we were ultimately incompatible and had two different sets of morals. I knew I couldn't raise a family with a man who thought that shooting a defenseless creature was a "sport."<br><br><br><br>
And now, being a veggie, I could never date anyone who hunted (well, and cuz I'm married!). To me, it's not just like, "Oh, he loves football -- I can't stand football!" it's like, "He kills living things for fun... I can't compromise on my stance on murder."<br><br><br><br>
I guess only you know what's right for you.<br><br><br><br>
EDIT: Oh, I had to add. Regarding when I dated that guy... One time I was visiting his family, I went into the basement of his brother's house to get some ice or something, and when I opened the freezer door I was face-to-face with a coyote head. It was a skull with parts of the flesh still on. It almost fell out on top of me! And I heard my boyfriend yelling from upstairs, "Oh, sorry, I forgot to tell you about that in there..."<br><br><br><br>
Lovely.
 
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