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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok, so I have some questions regarding my boyfriend's behavior.<br><br><br><br>
There comes a time when I'm supposed to call him, or he's supposed to call me-- you know, usual stuff. Well, he's a chronically late person, including in his phone calls. But I wait as patiently as I can and try to fill my time otherwise while I wait for him to call (sometimes 2+ hours after the time he said he would).<br><br><br><br>
My problem isn't his lateness. It really doesn't bother me too much. The problem is his reaction to me when I'm late to call or hang out.<br><br><br><br>
If I say I'll call at a certain time, or there's a miscommunication about who is going to contact whom, he reacts one of a few ways: 1)he gets mad, 2)he gets suspicious that I'm hanging out with a guy and not telling him, or 3)he gets very anxious that I'm mad at him or want to break up with him.<br><br><br><br>
Now, the last two reactions are totally bizarre, because I'd never be with another guy and not tell him, and I have no reason to be mad or break up with him.<br><br><br><br>
So anyway, I feel that his reactions to me being late are kind of strange, considering he's almost always not running on time, and I'd think he'd understand. My question is, what do you think is going on? Do you think this is some sort of warning flag? Part of me is wondering if it's a little bit of a form of control. But part of me is also wondering if it's just that he has confidence issues, so he automatically assumes the worst when he doesn't hear from me.<br><br><br><br>
Do you think his reactions are the signs of something bad, or is it just an issue he's having that he will have to slowly work out?<br><br><br><br>
Any thoughts are appreciated!
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
It sounds a little controlling to me. Perhaps it'd work better for the both of you if you both try to be a little more flexible with each other and your daily phone calls! If you don't try to have a schedule established, then it won't matter if you or he doesn't get around to calling the other person at an exact, designated time.<br><br><br><br>
It may also be a little lack of confidence of himself and the relationship on his end, but hopefully he will be able to overcome that. I suggest you sit down with him and tell him your feelings and assure him he has nothing to worry about. See how it goes.<br><br><br><br>
I hope it all works out for you both. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Do you think this is some sort of warning flag?</div>
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Yep. Run the other way fast <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">
 

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I think maybe you should start making plans that prevent you from being on the phone starting one hour after his scheduled call time. That way, if he calls late, there is some sort of consequence. It seems like he's running the show. he talks to you on his terms, and you call him on his terms or he gets mad. Don't let him think you have nothing better to do with your life than to sit around waiting for a man to call. That's just disrespectful to you.<br><br><br><br>
He does seem controlling. I haven't had boyfriends do these sorts of things to me, probably because I'd get creeped out by it pretty quickly. YMMV
 

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I would talk to him about it. Voice your concerns and suggest some "fixers" for the issue at hand. That is how my fiancé and I have always dealt with disagreements and it has worked very, very well for us.<br><br><br><br>
Insecurity is so common nowadays because of how easily people are hurt. My guess is that's what it is. He's just paranoid and insecure [noteably why he suspects you with other men or wanting to leave him ... definite signs of being insecure/paranoid].<br><br><br><br>
Ask him to talk to you about why he is so worried and insecure. Maybe he was hurt in his past. Maybe he just simply has low self-esteem. Communication really helps these kinds of issues.<br><br><br><br>
Best of luck.
 

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It sounds like he's very insecure, which could be a big red flag. Controlling and abusive behavior is almost always the result of insecurity. If you want to continue with this relationship, I would confront this issue head-on. You shouldn't be with someone who doesn't trust or respect you.
 

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There is another forum I frequent, where people often post to <a href="http://www.drjoecarver.com/articles_loser.html" target="_blank">this</a> article. I am not at all saying that I think your BF fits this. I don't know, but I thought I'd throw it out there in case it helps you think about things. For example, if he is not at all like this, then maybe he's fine. But if he is, or becomes so over time, then you will be able to identify it.<br><br><br><br>
I agree with eggplant that controlling and abusive behavior is often rooted in insecurity. And as eggplant says, it may be a big red flag.<br><br><br><br>
Even if a person has a reason for behaving a certain way (was hurt in the past- hey, haven't we all?, or insecurity, abusive childhood, etc.) it doesn't mean we can fix that or we should put up with bad behavior (and to do so just enables it). Sure we can feel sorry for them, maybe even offer support, but do so from a distance large enough to protect yourself. At a certain point we have to just move on and let them figure out their own problems for themselves. Believe me, I have some experience and know this can be difficult.
 

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Sometimes when a person is cheating, they get overly jeaulous and suspicious of their partner. They think, "if I'm doing it, my partner may be doing it as well."
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Thank you very much for the responses! I haven't talked to him yet, since I just realized this pattern a couple of days ago, and he's been out of town. But I will plan on bringing it up at an appropriate time.<br><br><br><br>
I went to the website Thalia gave me and it didn't seem to really describe him. But it's a fairly new relationship (just under 2 months), so I will keep it in mind to see if I start noticing more things.<br><br><br><br>
As far as cheating, I don't think he is. I don't think he's that kind of person. However, he does like to drink and party a lot, and I worry about his judgment when he's intoxicated. He's told me of a few times when he's been tempted but then thought about me and that he doesn't want to do that to me.<br><br><br><br>
Speaking of girls, one thing he does that upsets me is he'll joke about other girls. He'll say something like, "Well, I'm going to my other girlfriend's house right now... just kidding." Or, he's been out of town this week for his Drama Club at college, and he makes incessant jokes about "working on a cute chick" or "finding a hot girl." I finally told him that I really don't think it's funny, and he said he would stop. I don't know-- is this right?
 

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The joking does not bode well in my book. Again, it could just be insecurity: He's afraid that there's nothing about him that would keep you around if you saw someone better -- and he feels there's nothing special about him. Or he might be feeling guilty for not holding up his end.<br><br><br><br>
If he does not feel worth staying with, there will be tough times ahead. If he does not trust you, there will be tough times ahead. A healthy relationship is built on trust. (Ugh -- if he keeps trying to dissolve your trust for him, well... )
 

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I see bright red flags! Those are definetly signs of a controlling behavior, especially since you havent even been together two months. Does he get bothered when you spend time with your friends or family? Or when you go places without him? Those are also signs. As far as him joking about other women, my bf and I do that all the time, but we think its funny and we both know its a joke. Your bf probably thinks it is just funny. And the fact that he thinks about cheating but says he thinks of you and stops himself worries me. I dont know why he would tell you this unless he thinks your cheating and he hopes telling you these things will make you come clean, or hes actually cheating and in some way he feels better by telling you he almost does. Very strange, I dont think this sounds like a healthy relationship. He really may just be insecure, but these days you never know.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>froggythefrog</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
The joking does not bode well in my book. Again, it could just be insecurity: He's afraid that there's nothing about him that would keep you around if you saw someone better -- and he feels there's nothing special about him. Or he might be feeling guilty for not holding up his end.</div>
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Yeah it could be either or even both. It's kind of hard to pinpoint exactly what the problem is but I think there's the potential for a lot of drama along the way trying to sort it out.
 

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He sounds a bit controlling to me, and the joking part is not funny, for sure. My first thought when I read that is the saying that there is a grain of truth to everything. I once dated someone who made jokes about how he can't hold onto girls and well I'm not sure why he found that amusing, but I soon found out why girls didn't stick with him for very long. For a relationship that is so new, I would say decide soon whether he's worth staying with or not. If it seems the problems will continue or new similar problems will crop up, then the relationship will probably be unhealthy - from the very start, and that's no good. It's possible that he's just insecure but who knows, the two of you would know that better than me. I just wanted to say it's better to get out of a bad relationship sooner than later, if it turns out that this seems like a bad relationship to you.
 
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