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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My great aunt whom I am very close with had a stroke awhile ago, and from there she has just been slowly suffering and dying. I went to see her about 2 weeks ago for the last time and she still acknowledged who I was and we said goodbye.

She is now critical having pipes and tubes everywhere to help her feed and live.

My mom and grandmother advised me not to come through now to hold on to the image of her 2 weeks ago as they say she is really looking bad.

I am torn between going and not going.

I also know myself, going now would sent me to a very dark place...

I dont know what to do
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
i did see her two weeks ago where she could still acknowledge who i am and it was very emotional, i sort of made peace with the fact that it would not be long now, althou I was praying that she would find peace and not suffer like this.

as my parents and grandmother is telling me that she doesnt acknowledge anything anymore I dont know if I should go.

I dont know if I would feel bad.

I think it will eat me up if I go.

I love my great aunt and its been very emotional for me esp to see her suffer like this, I feel I have just gotten to a place where I eat again, dont feel so down and depressed, I am scared of what going there would do to me.

Am I being wrong ....

I just dont know.
 

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I've never seen a very ill person and I think if I did, the memory would haunt me. However - if you feel that you need some more closure go and see her. You clearly don't feel that you have, but place yourself in your aunts shoes and think about how she might feel. I do not know her but she would either feel pleased you came regardless of recommendations not to or she would be glad that you saw her before she got really bad. Either way I doubt that she would be mad if you did or didnt.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
i think even if its going to be very hard for me, i should go, then at least i know i have done everything i can till the last moment.

i dont want to feel guilt my whole life or think maybe she would have known i was there.

maybe she is even waiting for me to come.

i am going to go on saturday.... its going to be hard but it needs to be done.
 

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Impeach the gangster
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Do you know she's suffering? Perhaps she's dreaming. Maybe of you.
 

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I would go and see her and tell her you love her don't forget they know and ear things even if the are lookin bad and having all sorts medical stuff on them. I would remember the good times with her also but I think you should still go again.
 

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I can understand the struggle. It's difficult to see someone you love change so much. I stood alongside my mom taking care of my dad for the last several months of his life after he was declared terminal. It's now hard to remember him without conjuring up the images of his final days... sometimes those images overshadow my memories of his younger, healthy, active days... but I know the guilt of not being with him would have far outweighed anything I saw during that time.
 

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It's very difficult to balance our own need to feel safe and happy with the needs of others to be close to us/feel supported by us/be cared for by us. Whether it's an aunt, child, companion animal, parent, etc I do think that "the right thing to do" is to be there with them till they leave us. I don't think it really helps us or them to insulate ourselves from the inevitable pain of loss. Everything is easier when we're loved and supported. If there's any chance that your aunt may want you there during this crucial time, I think you should go be with her if you can.
 

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Just want to say good luck to you on Saturday. I think going will ease your mind and thus is the best choice. It will probably be less difficult than you imagine, and it might give you closure that you otherwise wouldn't have. Hope it goes well.
 

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i long ago lost count of my patients who died. in all honesty, the way people die is their body shuts down and they withdraw into themselves. it's impossible for me to believe they are aware of who is visiting them, etc, when they reach that condition. long before they reach that point, they're totally disoriented and neurological responses deteriorate. i realize the families often want to believe there's going to be some sort of last moments where they're alert, etc. that's only tv drama, because the reality is entirely different. so don't expect anything except seeing her with all the tubes, etc.

death is a journey to peace and a relief from suffering. it's a natural process, and medicine more often than not prolongs it needlessly. the thing for you to do is just remember all the good times you had with her, and see this as a time to celebrate her life. i know it's hard, but be happy for her, because she'll finally be free.
 

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I don't know what I would do in this situation, so I'll just say this:

 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by papayamon View Post

i long ago lost count of my patients who died. in all honesty, the way people die is their body shuts down and they withdraw into themselves. it's impossible for me to believe they are aware of who is visiting them, etc, when they reach that condition. long before they reach that point, they're totally disoriented and neurological responses deteriorate. i realize the families often want to believe there's going to be some sort of last moments where they're alert, etc. that's only tv drama, because the reality is entirely different. so don't expect anything except seeing her with all the tubes, etc.

death is a journey to peace and a relief from suffering. it's a natural process, and medicine more often than not prolongs it needlessly. the thing for you to do is just remember all the good times you had with her, and see this as a time to celebrate her life. i know it's hard, but be happy for her, because she'll finally be free.
I wanted to quote this because you wrote a beautiful and wise piece here. Thank you, it was something I needed to read, and I hope OP sees it
 

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My nan died from a massive stroke. The stroke killed off most of her brain so she couldn't talk, move much, eat and so on. She lived five days afterwards in hospital, and I stayed with her, sleeping there and only leaving to get food. When her sons and daughters came to say goodbye she woke up, every time, and squeezed their hand before falling unconscious again. The night before she died she woke up, looked straight into my eyes, reached up and stroked and twirled my hair around her fingers. It was worth it for that.
 

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I know you have made the decision to go and that Saturday has come and gone. I hope you are ok.
My only concern is that you intimated it might be more than simply being afraid or upset to see her in such a deteriorated state, especially since you had already said your goodbyes ("I also know myself, going now would sent me to a very dark place...I think it will eat me up if I go...I feel I have just gotten to a place where I eat again, dont feel so down and depressed, I am scared of what going there would do to me..."). I do not know you, so I don't really know how literal to take these words. At any rate, whether or not you did actually go, I hope you are at peace with your decision. Sounds like the last thing your aunt would have wanted is for you to be distraught and in a dark place over her passing.
 

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I hope you're all right.
 
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