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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Sometimes from books or people, I hear that if you are not ready for a long-term relationship, you should just date "casually" or just date.<br><br><br><br>
What does that mean? Never going out with anyone more than a couple times and then going out with someone new?<br><br><br><br>
Here's how I usually go about it- I meet someone, do some things with them to get to know them and talk on the phone. If I don't really like the person it doesn't go anywhere (or if they don't like me, of course). If I do, it continues like that and we spend more time together, maybe after a month or so thing get "intimate" and maybe after a couple of months it's understood that we are exclusive. Then about 2 years later we break up.<br><br><br><br>
I don't even understand why people use the word "dating" when referring to serious relationships. I mean, it's not like you go on "dates" every time you are together. Last breakup I was told, "I can't date you anymore". It's kind of funny, we were in a LDR, it's not like we had gone on any dates lately. It was a <i>relationship</i>, not dating.<br><br><br><br>
I guess what I am saying is, why casually date with no possibility of things getting serious? Wouldn't that mean no longer seeing anyone once one of you started really liking the other or either not ever having sex or having casual sex, possibly with multiple people? It seems pointless to me to get attached to people with no hope of something serious and then breaking up after a few months. Less stress to just be alone.<br><br><br><br>
I think I'm going to continue to do things my way, but just wondered if anyone has successfully "casually" dated without it getting serious or messy.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Thalia</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
I guess what I am saying is, why casually date with no possibility of things getting serious? Wouldn't that mean no longer seeing anyone once one of you started really liking the other or either not ever having sex or having casual sex, possibly with multiple people? It seems pointless to me to get attached to people with no hope of something serious and then breaking up after a few months. Less stress to just be alone.</div>
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I haven't casually dated before. So I could be off on this one.<br><br><br><br>
I think the point of casual dating is to gain experience and learn what you want in a relationship and a partner. Casual dating implies no expectations. When people don't casual date, they end up moving toward a serious relationship automatically if they both end up liking each other. I'd assume that casual daters aren't necessarily looking for serious relationships with every person they go out with, and they just "go with the flow."
 

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To me, casual dating meant, unless the guy was creepy or gross, I went out with everyone who asked, even if I didn't think there was a lot of relationship potential. I also asked a number of people out, even if I didn't know them all that well. It was a fun way to get to know people, and to give me a better idea of the types of men that I was compatible with. As Janie said, no expectations.<br><br><br><br>
That sort of thing is not for everyone, to be sure. I think you have to have a certain level of emotional aloofness to pull it off, successfully. There have been some heated discussions on VB about casual dating, it seems to be a mostly (U.S.) American phenomenon. I only liked it in small doses, I got burned out after a while. There is a certain expectation for casual sex built in, and if you're not willing to do that, the whole thing can get old pretty quickly.
 

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can't help you on that one, it's not really something we do down the arse end of the world.
 

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Yeah. Casual dating is when you see more than one person. Nothing serious, just go out on dates with them. I've never casually dated. I've never dated more than one guy at a time; because I have issues and can't just go out on a casual date with someone I don't know. I have to get to know them first, then usually if we like each other enough to go out, then we're exclusively dating. I do use dating because the terms "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" kind of freak me out. So although I don't date more than one guy at a time, the guy I am with, I will say that we're "dating."<br><br><br><br>
**I've met a couple guys I've dated on the internet, so yeah you can get to know 'em before hanging out with/dating them. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/grin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":D">
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Yeah, not for me. For me I see it as a stage of something larger, not something to do ongoing. I actually hate the early stages of relationships. Some people find this exciting. I don't at all. It's very stressful to not feel comfortable around someone, to not know them that well or to not be at total ease with them. I like relationships after they've matured and become "boring". To me, I like the comfort of a companion, not excitement. I've had a few "flings" with people that lasted maybe a few weeks. But generally speaking, if someone isn't someone I'd want to have around long term, why bother. I enjoy my own company much more. I guess that's what I may do for now.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Pixelle</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
can't help you on that one, it's not really something we do down the arse end of the world.</div>
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yeah we do, we're just more direct and call it f***ing around <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Thalia</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Yeah, not for me. For me I see it as a stage of something larger, not something to do ongoing. I actually hate the early stages of relationships. Some people find this exciting. I don't at all. It's very stressful to not feel comfortable around someone, to not know them that well or to not be at total ease with them. I like relationships after they've matured and become "boring". To me, I like the comfort of a companion, not excitement. I've had a few "flings" with people that lasted maybe a few weeks. But generally speaking, if someone isn't someone I'd want to have around long term, why bother. I enjoy my own company much more. I guess that's what I may do for now.</div>
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I have a similar view to yours. (Except it's been awhile since I got to the "comfortable" place in a relationship.) I'm not interested in playing around or keeping all my options open or whatever else casual daters are into. If someone is fun to be around, then I'll try to be around that person or persons. If I or they start seeing me/them as more than friends, then we may head that way. I tend not to go on lots of dates, though I have plenty of male friends. I usually invite them to do stuff with other friends and me. The more the merrier, and less stressful than constantly going on dates right and left. And it can be less expensive if "going on dates" means paying for food or entertainment.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Thalia</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Yeah, not for me. For me I see it as a stage of something larger, not something to do ongoing. I actually hate the early stages of relationships. Some people find this exciting. I don't at all. It's very stressful to not feel comfortable around someone, to not know them that well or to not be at total ease with them. I like relationships after they've matured and become "boring". To me, I like the comfort of a companion, not excitement. I've had a few "flings" with people that lasted maybe a few weeks. But generally speaking, if someone isn't someone I'd want to have around long term, why bother. I enjoy my own company much more. I guess that's what I may do for now.</div>
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Amen. I HATE the awkwardness of new relationships. That's probably half the reason I don't date. Starting over sucks! Good thing I'm more than content being alone.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Jessica Alana</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
I have to get to know them first, then usually if we like each other enough to go out, then we're exclusively dating.</div>
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This describes how things are for me, too. The challenge I've found is trying to get that idea across to guys who want to just date casually.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Thalia</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Sometimes from books or people, I hear that if you are not ready for a long-term relationship, you should just date "casually" or just date.<br><br><br><br>
What does that mean?</div>
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Plug in "casual dating definition" to Google and you will get over 700,000 hits.<br><br>
One example:<br><br><br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block"><br><b>What is Casual Dating?<br><br></b><br><br>
The first question I asked every single person in their interview was for them to give me their own personal definition of casual dating so I could recognize whether or not we were on the same level of cultural understanding. Each person said almost the exact thing as the next, only in his or her own words. Sarah said it was going out on a date with a relative stranger for one time somewhere on or off campus, but most likely it would have to be off-campus to be recognized as a date. Brent, a first year, and Bjorn, a senior, agreed with Sarah. They both said a casual date is going out to dinner or a movie with someone for the sole purposes of getting to know someone better. Lucy added that as a first-year student, casual dating is limited to the St. Olaf College campus and the town of Northfield. Rachel added that it is physically going with someone for coffee, a movie, or just some fun and not worrying about getting into a relationship with that person or about how things will end up between the people involved in the date.<br><br>
Michelle and Meredith had similar ideas about what casual dating involved. Both likened casual dating to a friendship where two people spend time together having fun and hanging out. Michelle added that you can have one friend that you spend the rest of your life with, but you need lots of friends to figure out who you are in relationship to the world around you. All the rest of the individuals expressed similar responses. Also, all agreed that casual dating did not necessarily involve intense levels of physical contact other than kissing and holding hands, if even that.<br><br>
These personal definitions seemed to agree with the cultural norm of what constitutes casual dating. Like many of the responses of students, Dr. Sheron Patterson offers a clear definition of casual dating. <span style="text-decoration:underline;">If youre in a mode of life or in a social situation where you seek to meet lots of different people and youre not attempting to be in a serious relationship, dating more than one person at a time would be fine</span>, (Editorial 22). Dr. Tiy-E Muhammad agrees. He adds, Regular or casual dating is just that, casual dating. <span style="text-decoration:underline;">In this form of dating, you dont owe anything to the other person more than common respect and courtesy</span>. (Ed. 23). He stresses that <span style="text-decoration:underline;">a person should date many people [so] that will allow a person to have a variety of experiences that are crucial in teaching oneself about ones needs and dislikes in relationships.</span> Both Dr. Patterson and Dr. Tiy-E Muhammad agree that dating many people does not mean jumping in and out of many peoples beds. The dates should be clean and fun, they offer. Therefore, the idea of casual dating in a larger context is similar to the concept within the community of St. Olaf College.<br><br><br></div>
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(Emphasis added.)<br><br><br><br>
From a student sociology paper about dating at St. Olaf college, apparently not copyrighted.<br><br><br><br><a href="http://www.stolaf.edu/depts/sociology/OtherLinks/373final_papers_2002/fish_no_fish.html" target="_blank">http://www.stolaf.edu/depts/sociolog...h_no_fish.html</a>
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Thanks, Joe. But then there is the old adage that the third date means sex. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"><br><br><br><br>
But anyhow, I've only dated people in this manner when I met them through online personals, so I really had no other way of getting to know them. With my last boyfriend, that is how we got to know each other, but I think I had reason to think that things were going in a certain direction early on since we talked on the phone every day and talked about things like having been tested for STDs and our ideas about relationships, family and marriage. But now, we did not have sex on the third date. More like the 10th. I would have been dating other guys, too, but I had even been wanting to date and noticed his profile- loved cats, coffee, and was vegetarian and boring, mellow and cynical. I couldn't really pass it up.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Thalia</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Thanks, Joe. But then there is the old adage that the third date means sex. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"><br></div>
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I guess I've never heard that adage. Also, isn't this supposed to be the age of AIDS? "Third date means sex" sounds like maybe something from the free love '60s or something.<br><br><br><br>
I also guess I never heard the adage that one is supposed to <span style="text-decoration:underline;">count</span> one's dates. I think maybe women do that more than men, but I could be wrong. (I can't help thinking of baseball announcer Phil Rizzuto and Meatloaf's song "Paradise by the Dashboard Light." As if you are supposed to have the voice of Phil Rizzuto in your head as he says, "It's the top of the third date, you've gotten to first base, but no one has scored ... .")<br><br><br><br>
At any rate, I think I may have mentioned before that my exGF remarked to me once that we went out 22 times before I kissed her. Well, there were a couple reasons for that. One was that it never occurred to me to "count" or keep count of the number of our dates. Two, I had never heard of any such "numbers" rules. Third, she was one of the most talkative people I've ever met, and she succeeded in convincing me that all she wanted was someone to talk with. That was a misperception on my part, but she was truly a non-stop talker.
 

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To me, casual dating was when I would date a guy (or two) without any sex or emotional strings attached, in the interest of getting to know them. When it became serious enough to turn from casual to exclusive, we both knew it and agreed to take things to the next level.
 

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"Casual Dating" is something that does not come naturally to me. If I like someone, I become attached pretty quickly.<br><br><br><br>
To address the adage, "Third date means sex": Whether this is the age of AIDS or not, kisses, hugs, sex, talking about the last Smurfs re-run is something that I approach by "feeling things out", communication, and mutual desire. I'd hate to have rules that would cause one side to feel obligated and the other to have expectations.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>veggiejanie</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br><br>
I think the point of casual dating is to gain experience and learn what you want in a relationship and a partner. ...When people don't casual date, they end up moving toward a serious relationship automatically if they both end up liking each other...</div>
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This is my take on it as well, and I think for many people 'casual dating' is a good thing. So many people out there fall for the first person who shows interest in them, and then pretty soon the relationship falls apart, because they didn't really "know" what they wanted out of a relationship anyway.<br><br><br><br>
A large percentage of the population doesn't know how to just be "friends" with members of the opposite sex.<br><br>
If someone is friendly towards you, it's automatically thought they want a relationship? Why is our mindset that way? It's sad to miss out on wonderful - but platonic - friendships, just because we tend to rush into a relationship, and exclusivity, so quickly.<br><br><br><br>
I have many male friends who I've 'gone out with' just as friends - Not because we wanted to have a relationship, but because we were already old friends. Maybe we both wanted to see the same movie or enjoyed a certain band or wanted companionship and conversation over dinner. No strings attached.<br><br><br><br>
I learned a lot about the opposite gender from them, and they the same from me - that can't be a bad thing, though - and while we weren't interested in each other romantically for whatever reason, did that mean it wasn't "dating" but just two friends hanging out?<br><br><br><br>
OK, yes, I'm in an exclusive relationship now, but when I was single, I was OK with that too. I ENJOYED being single<br><br>
No, it's not for everyone. It takes a lot of confidence to be comfortable being without a partner.<br><br>
It's always been a major peeve of mine that the whole world feels they HAVE to be "in a relationship" and can't just cultivate friendships first.<br><br>
...end rant/
 

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I don't think the 3rd date means sex, Joe. This is the age of AIDS, and anyone who thinks Sex in the city is representative of how people should behave is just nuts.
 

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I don't trust a guy who doesn't put out on the third date.<br><br><br><br>
KIDDING. KIDDING.<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br>
I'd give him 'til the fourth.
 
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