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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Okay. I am asking for advice about an older guy situation. There is this guy that i met at a Spanish-speaking church. The first time that I met him he told me about what he wanted in a woman and that he wanted a family. I was slightly taken aback seeing the fact that I didn't understand the services and he was the 3rd person I met from the church. Before the Christmas Eve service, he got me a card. And he called me many times about the communion service. I had refused to participate in communion because it was a church that I wasn't used to. I also had a mishap taking part in communion at a Catholic church and I'm Protestant. My friends royally embarrassed me.
So, he told me to go to the church an hour early. Later that day he told me if I would have gotten there earlier he would have taken me to Burger King, which is in walking distance. Since that time, he has asked me out to restaurants, his house and the movies, I have refused all of them. Though I do have a sight crush on him, I have my concerns.

1. He does not have a high school degree.

2. He came to the country in 1973. I have always been afraid to ask him his age. I am guessing that he is at least 45 years old.

3. He smokes. I cannot stand to be around someone smoking or to be in a house where a smoker lives.

4. He joked around about me being his girlfriend and taking care of him. I don't want to date 'til I graduate college. And I can't possibly imagine marriage directly after that.

I told my mother about him after I talked to him last night. He had invited me to see the new Jim Carey movie when it comes out. I declined because I did have plans that date which could not be changed. Anyways, my mother said that she did not feel comfortable with me dating the guy. But she could understand that he was lonely. So, she suggested that I invite him over the house for pizza sometimes.

I wonder if I invited him over a lot would that give the wrong message? And I am scared that I will start liking him if I am around him more than on sundays. What should i do?

(Sorry I got really long winded)
 

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I think that if you are not interested in him the n ext time he askes you to do sumthin with him tell him that you are not interested in dating him

or

if you want you could say that you have a boyfriend

he doesnt seem like a guy that you would want to get involed with but thats just imo
 

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It has been my experience that if I don't feel the same level of intensity that the other person is showing, but I go ahead and get involved with them, it becomes a living hell. If you don't get where his feelings are coming from trust that something just isn't right.

Don't lead him on by having him over for pizza just to make him feel better. He'll only make it into something larger than it is.

If you don't like some of his qualities now, wait and see how much you don't like them a year from now.

I guess what I'm saying is...run.
 

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I agree. People who are interested can take anything but the strongest rejection as a positive sign sometimes, and this guy already sounds aggressive by teasing you about being his girlfriend, etc. Being firm and consistent that you are not interested may be the only way to avoid trouble.
 

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if you are questioning this situation you already have your answer.

he seems very wrong for you. sometimes we think we want the bad boy because it has some appeal because we are somehow breaking the rules.

i would distance myself from him.. i just got a bad feeling while reading this, but that is just my opinon.

good luck!
 

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i'm with everyone here. even though i have a crush on the unattainable viggo mortensen (44), he smokes and if i were single and he were interested i still wouldn't date him.

inthis situation, it seems like the guy doesn't ahve what you want, so i wouldn't bother with anything with him. Crush or no crush, better to stay clear of this situation.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thanks for the advice


I have already told this guy many times that I was not interested in having a boyfriend and dating him. The last time that I remember telling him was the Sunday before Valentine's day when he said that maybe we should go somewhere for the holiday. I sort of feel sad for the guy that he has no friends to hang out with during his week vacation, but I do not want to cause any problems in the near future. I can't possibly relate to a guy over 30 years older than me. This just seems way too weird.
 

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It's also weird that he keeps hounding you. Be careful, for some reason, he just doesn't sound too stable to me.
 

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Quote:
Originally posted by Baby

It's also weird that he keeps hounding you. Be careful, for some reason, he just doesn't sound too stable to me.
that was exactly what i was thinking.. be careful!
 

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be careful. i was in a somewhat similar situation for about a year - i rode the (public) bus, sometimes with my friend (whom i lived with) my last year of high school. there was a guy who worked right near where i lived that talked to both of us, both together and separately. he seemed lonely, etc. my friend talked to him more than i did, so i didn't think much of it. after a few months he would ask me out (he was probably 30-something), i was 18 (but told him i was 17 to get him to back off)... dinner, drinks, beach (we lived there), etc... always no, always sorry, always i don't date, i'm not interested, whatever. well, as the months went by, he started following me places. i would go walking on the beach (alone) and around the neighborhood and he knew my path. knew my school schedule, etc. after my turning him down for another date one day, and putting my headphones on, i look across the bus (no one else was on it but the driver) when he's calling my name to see him sitting there, erection in hand, masturbating.

my point? no, not everyone is going to turn into a stalker who inappropriately exposes in public, but you have a lot of warning signs already. be wiser than i was - heed them! there's just something shady about the whole situation. i know it sounds mean, and i sympathize, but i've been in multiple situations like the one i described and finally had to accept that it's not my job to make lonely men feel better. a smile and a nod and keeping walking is about all i'm gonna give.
 

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If he's creeping you out, you might want to talk to the priest or someone else in the church community, and maybe they can have a conversation with him (hopefully, a gentle conversation would do it, but maybe not if he's really out there). I'm sure they would recognize how inappropriate the situation is.

I'm not conviced that he's going to turn into a stalker or otherwise physically dangerous, but it's best to err on the side of caution. Besides, making you feel uncomfortable, even if there's not physical danger, is not ok.

I understand feeling bad for him, and even the crush. But it's really not your burden to take on.
 

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Not taking no for an answer in this kind of situation is already a violation of respect for you.

This guy has a screw loose, I agree, talk to some church people. If they don't think it is a big deal, keep talking until you find someone who does. Be careful.

Being friendly and/or polite isn't going to help you if he is this persistent. Be angry, be mean if necessary. Actually, in Gavin DeBecker's book, the gift of fear, he recommends the best way to deal with men who won't leave you alone is to ignore them altogether. Any reaction, positive or negative just reinforces the behavior.
 

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I agree that this guy sounds creepy.

Your concerns are very ligit. Those same very things would bother me too.

Guys get the wrong impression easily even if you tell them you aren't intrested in dating. Even though you say you have a slight crush on him, all those things you listed are huge differences between your personaility. It just sounds like a bad situation and it seems like it would be best if you distanced yourself from him.
 

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ITA with Thalia. Ignore him completely. I have had lots of experience with guys like these, and it is all too easy to encourage them. And I have had several of them turn "scary" (showing up at my house in the woods univited - when they just "accidentally" saw my car there - half a mile from the paved road
) - that kind of thing. Ignore, ignore, ignore.
 

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It's unfortunate that it is natural for us to develop crushes, big and little, on people who just would not make good companions for us, short-term or long-term.

Actually, you seem to know very little about this man, not enough to know for sure whether he is suitable material for you, or not. However you have noticed a bunch of negatives already. I suppose you are hoping there may be compensating positives, seeing as you have a bit of a crush on him. Well, find out. Talk to him in a public place and just ask friendly questions about him. You won't necessarily give him the idea that you are available for whatever he might want you for. Not if you know how to do it correctly. Keep that as your only goal for now -- just finding out if maybe he has some positive characteristics you don't yet know about. You may very well find out that he doesn't have enough of them to make getting to know him better worthwhile, and then you'll know to stay away. I think this would be the most likely scenario. But if you find out he does have positive characteristic -- well you don't have to start thinking now, about what you would do in that situation yet. You only need to start thinking about it if once you find the positives, if you do. Probably you won't. So I don't think there is any need to waste time now thinking about what you'll do if you find positives.

Whenever someone is more interested in us than we are in them -- they seem "creepy" to us. At the same time, they may seem just fabulous, charming, to others who are more interested in them. In this case, apparently he hasn't learned, despite his advanced age, how to stay "cool" and keep his feelings about you to himself, unless and until he knows his interest is reciprocated. Mature people should know to do this, and know how. This is itself a bad sign for a middle-aged person, a sign of lack of social development despite his age. It may not mean he is an evil person, it may not mean he is "inhernently" creepy. But I think it does tend to mean that he will have problems in living, and in getting along with others, that more socially-knowledgable people won't have.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
The more that I talk to this guy the more unappealing he seems to me. I had a surgery done about a month ago. He came to visit me while I was in the hospital with the pastor. He also called me while I was in the hospital ( I was there for 5 days.) And every week since my surgery he has called me at least 2 times a week just to check up on me. And yesterday he treated me and my family to dinner at Golden Corral. He has two kids who are both my age that he lied about having the first time that we met. It makes me sad to hear that he hasn't seen them since they were maybe six or seven because he divorced their mother. He is acting more like the father whom I have never really had than a boyfriend, which makes me feel a whole lot better . And he has also given me advice about choosing a guy when I do want to look for one such as that he should not smoke or drink and to make sure that this is the person for me because marriage is forever.
 

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More red flags. He is showing you a nice side of himself but there is obviously a side he is hiding if he is divorced, hasn't seen his kids and has no friends.

My friend who is 25 recently started dating a guy that was 45. He just showered her with affection. But then he became really possessive. Luckily, she broke it off with him. I had mentioned to her that i was seeing some major red flags in how he was acting. I'm not saying a relationship between and older man and a younger woman can't work out. I"m just saying one should question why this man can't relate to women his own age.

Please don't start treating him like a father figure. It would just &*%$ everything up even more. If you are missing that figure in your life, I would suggest you talk to someone about it. Be careful.
 

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Yeah, please be careful... Someone who asked you out on romantic dates, was rejected, and now comes back and takes on a father-type role (an advisor) is someone who is still trying to "attain" you anyway he can. It really doesn't sound good. I don't think he's being honest about his intentions.

By the way, I'm married to a much older man (and we've been together for 3 years) and I don't think that's the big problem here... the fact that he's giving mixed signals, wouldn't take no for an answer, and made you suspicious right from the start (go on your instincts) are the red flags I see.
 
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