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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
can i improve it? Thanks<br><br><br>
The End<br><br>
I woke up. It was December 21, 2012. I was in college, and it was the last day of school before winter break. People were joking about 2012 months before, saying how its not going to happen. Of course, I didnt believe it would happen either.<br>
I was in my Philosophy class just waiting to get out and start my break. I heard a boom. I didnt know what hit me. I flew to the floor, as did the other 70 people in the class. Everything was dizzy. All I could hear was a loud buzzing, and all I could see was a shining light. It was the brightest thing I have ever seen. I was sitting in the back of the room, and the light was coming from the front. Out of instinct, I jumped to the floor. If I didnt, I wouldnt be telling this story. The light got brighter. With my hearing slowly coming back, I heard a buzzing sound, but this time it was different. I heard screams-about 20 students caught on fire, but these were no ordinary flames. The flames were blue, and upon seeing the flames, I knew the 2012 predictions had come true.<br>
I ran. Faster then I ever ran before. The sky was black. Not grey, but black as night. I wasnt the only one running. All you could hear was screams. I knew yelling wouldnt help the situation so I just kept running even though the power was out, and because of the black sky, I couldnt see anything. I knew the campus really well, so I ran to my car. I heard the buzzing sound again. More people were burning in the bright blue color. At least I finally had some light. I felt the ground shake below me. I knew I had to run faster. Nearby, at a gas station, I saw the brown liquid leak onto the floor. I knew what was next. A small blue flame. It was small, but it was all that was needed. I ducked under a car across the street. It probably wasnt the best place, but luck saved me. I kept running. More people burning blue, and cars exploding. I finally got to the colleges parking area. My car was on the top floor, so I took the stairs.<br>
The ground started to shake. I knew the stairs werent going to be able to take all the pressure. I was about half way up the spiral staircase when the stairs started falling below me. The stairs I was standing on seconds before were collapsing below my feet. I knew if I fell, the debris would crush me. With seconds to spare, I finally made it to the top of the parking garage. A whole row of cars were on fire, and the row my car was in looked like it hasnt been touched. I got in my car and drove out of the parking garage. I went faster in that car then ever before, hitting my cars top speed of 120 mph. I made it out of the garage. Oddly, besides the section where the staircase was, the whole building was perfectly intact. That lasted seconds.<br>
I saw the black clouds open up. I was just sitting in my car once I was out of the parking garage, in shock when I saw it. A blue flame. But this wasnt like the flames I saw in the classrooms. It took me a second to process what it was when it finally hit me. This was a meteor, headed straight for the parking garage. I drove away and looked behind me and the explosion was the same color as the flame. What was the parking garage minutes ago was now a big ball of blue flames. I guess some other people had the same idea as me to get their car and go, but they did not make it. They were lost in the flames forever. I knew where I needed to go. Home.<br>
I kept driving. Driving at 120mph. I saw more meteors. The roads were so packed with vehicles. Cars here were upside down and on their sides. I guessed those landed here from the explosions. Some cars were occupied, but many of the occupants were dead. A lot of people were just staring at the sky knowing their fate, while others, like me, were driving like maniacs. I lost track of time, and my only worry was making it home to my family.<br>
I finally got home. Every other house was either gone or on fire. At first glance, I was relieved because my house looked perfectly intact, but from a different angle I realized that half of our house, where my room, the living room, and the kitchen once stood was now a pile of metal framework and ashes. I didnt care. I ran inside to check on my family. Whats left I the house I searched. Both of my brothers rooms. Nothing. The two remaining bathrooms. Nothing. My parents room. I was about to walk out when I noticed something strange on the floor right next to my parents bed.<br>
Scratch marks. I was very confused at this point. The message simply says love you.<br><br>
THE REST OF IT IS ON A REPLY
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
But there was blood on these scratch marks. I looked to the left and my jaw droped. I see four people. My mom, my dad, and my two brothers all in each others arms. I sat there. I was too shocked to cry at this point, just sitting there with my knees crossed, feeling guilty about the fight my parents and I had last night. I knew if I wanted to live I need to snap out of it. I looked at my families bodies. I didn’t see anything that would have killed them. I looked at my mom’s hand and some of her fingernails were filed down all the way and there was blood coming out. That’s how she made the message. I finally stood up, and some of the shock wore off. I started crying. My tears were dripping on the “love you” message washing away the blood from my mom’s fingernails. I knew I needed to stop crying. Wondering about their cause of death wouldn’t have helped my cause any. I walked around the room. Out of a broken window I saw another meteor heading here. As I ran out, I saw a briefcase. I had no idea what’s in it, but it was the only thing that’s left in the ruins of my house so I grabbed it. As I ran out the door the meteor comes, and hits my car and what was left of my house. Everything that was left of my family was gone, even the bodies. Even though I didn’t believe in the afterlife, I had a strange thought that I may see the rest of my family later that day, doubting that I would live another hour. I was out of breath so I walked as fast as I could to the park about half a mile away. What was the playground was gone, and in its place was a huge crater. I walked away but then I heard something. Barking. I slowly walked back to the crater, not believing my hopeful thoughts were really happening. I was proved wrong. I was very happy to be proved wrong.<br>
My two dogs, Angel and Simba were lying in the crater, snuggled up on each other to keep warm. I screamed their names. They didn’t respond, but because of their barking, I knew they are alive. I walked into the crater and I pat my dogs. They looked at me, happy to see me as I was to see them, but they were also just as confused. I still had the briefcase in my hand. I figured this was a good time to open it, since I now had with me my only remaining family. I tried to open it, but I noticed it was locked. I tried to think of a significant eight-digit number, but nothing comes to mind. Suddenly, I had a flashback. My mom telling me each year how she loves the numbers of my birthday, and how significant they are to her because I was her first child. I put the number in. 11-22-19-93. The suitcase clicked open and I saw what I would need to survive.<br>
A couple cans of food, some clothes, 2 liters water, a bible, money, and some family pictures. The first thing that came to mind is how thirsty I was. I opened up the water bottle, and finished half of it off right away. I realized what a bad idea that was. For all I know, it could have been some of the last clean water in miles. At least I didn’t eat the food right away. The second thing that came to mind was about the Bible. My family knew I am not religious, so I wondered why they packed it for me. The most important thing I wondered though, is why they packed it. Did they predict I was going to survive? My family always worried about everything so maybe it was just for a “what if scenario”. It doesn’t matter. I knew I needed to leave the park.<br>
I decided the best place to go was the college. Although I wasn’t friends with anyone there, I did know the campus really well, and it wouldn’t hurt to talk to a stranger at the time. I was sure the dogs could use the exercise as well.<br>
We walked, and we saw more buildings destroyed, more blue fire. But most odd was the sky. It was changing to a more reddish brown color now. I feared something else will happen, but because of hunger and fatigue I didn’t run. If I died, it was meant to happen. I try to ignore the sky and just kept walking with Angel and Simba. I got to the college and just like my neighborhood, every other building was destroyed. I didn’t see anyone, not even bodies. I knew the food wouldn’t last for long so went to the cafeteria. I wasn’t the first one here that day.<br>
It was dark because of the loss of power. There were dead bodies everywhere. At least 50. But these weren’t the same supernatural occurrences as the blue fire or the red sky. No, these people were killed by someone. I could tell by the stab and gun wounds that every dead body there had in common. I looked around for whatever food or supplies I could save. Nothing. Not even crumbs on the floor. I realized everyone here was looking for food. And that’s why they were killed. Survival of the fittest. Then the door to the janitor’s closet opened.<br>
He was running towards me. I didn’t know how I can see him in the darkness, but the sharp steel of the machete was getting closer to me. I had no idea what to do. I jumped to the floor, and then I saw the machete next to my throat. Then light. Real light. I realized he was not going to kill me right at that moment. The flashlight was in my eyes, and I heard the only words I have heard all that day “What are you doing here?” Out of fear I lied<br>
“I got lost”. He knew I was lying.<br>
“Do you need directions?” I had no response. Then I heard a bark. Out of nowhere I saw the machete slice across my chest, and I saw the crimson pouring onto my hands. He started screaming, and the barking continued. Simba was biting my assailant’s leg. I simply made the clicking sound I always make when I call him. He comes to me, panting, while I was lying on the floor bleeding. The assailant came to me and he took off his shirt, to cover my wound. He just sat there for a little bit, holding the shirt against my chest. After ten minutes or so he said “I’m sorry”. At the moment it was clear that he didn’t cut me on purpose. If he wanted to kill me he wouldn’t have waited.<br>
After about five more minutes of silence he whispered to me “Let’s go”. And he shined the flashlight on his face. I instantly recognize him. He was the most famous kid in school. Sammy. The quarterback. The jock. Big and muscular with a buzz cut. He gave me a hand up and we walked into the janitor’s closet. The wound must not have been too deep, because although it hurts, I knew I was not dying. “It was a reflex. Your dog bit me and I had the machete in my hand.”<br>
“I know”, I replied More flashlights started to turn on, but I know Sammy’s hands are full so it can’t be from him. A girl started to walk towards us. Sammy gave her a hug. It’s Amber. The cheerleader. Sammy’s girlfriend. Blonde hair, skinny, tall.<br>
“Are we the only ones alive?” I said.<br>
“No, there’s Albert.”<br>
The kid in my programming class. The nerd. Short, chunky, red hair, glasses.<br>
“So just three people?” I said.<br>
Amber Replied,” No. Four people and two dogs.”<br>
“We need to heal that up” said Amber.<br>
“Are you a nurse?” I responded sarcastically.<br>
“Ever hear of common sense? Oh, and a pre-med major” she responded in the same tone. “It’s going to hurt.”<br>
“I don’t have much of a choice do I?”
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
“Unless you want an infection, then no, you don’t have much of a choice.”, she replied. “I’ll go get the first aid kit”. A minute later she came back.<br>
“No gloves?” I said as a joke. She ignored my comment.<br>
“Ok, she said. Take off your shirt.” I took it off.<br>
“I hope you’re an anesthesiologist as well.” “Sorry to disappoint you. Drink this.” She handed me a bottle of vodka. “I got this from the end of the world party last night. It’s strong. It’ll knock you out.” She wasn’t kidding. It had a terrible taste, but it sure was strong. I saw her rub the wound with alcohol pads. I wanted to scream but that will only make it worse. I wondered how bad it would feel if I wasn’t drunk. She took what looked like a thread and carefully stitched the wound up. She says to lie down until I’m sober, and I did just that.<br>
The first feeling when I woke up was hunger. I don’t know how long it has been since I have eaten, but I don’t care. I need something to put in my stomach. Amber walks over and gives me a small can of tuna. I hate tuna. But I swallow the processed, grinded up fish instantly.<br>
After condemning my manners, Sammy says, “Let’s go for a walk”. I laughed at him, but he was being completely serious. I don’t want him to kill me with his machete, so I objectively agreed. As we walked, we all talk. It felt like something out of a movie. Just four people and two dogs walking together in a destroyed city. I hardly ever talked to any of the three, and only Amber and Sammy knew each other because they were dating. But the stereotypes seemed to fit. Of course everyone respected them because they were the two most popular people in the school, but they were still stuck up. Albert on the other hand was a loner. He hardly talked to anyone, and sadly, nobody really cared about him.<br>
We all walked for hours talking about the day and what happened to everyone. Sammy explained how many of the people in the cafeteria were killed. I cried once again, and they all comforted me. I finally realized there was more to these three then I thought.<br>
We kept walking, and eventually we stop talking about the events that happened that day, even though there are collapsed buildings and craters nearby. We somehow got our mind off of it and started to tell jokes and school stories. Literally and figuratively, this is the only light we have seen all day. Then we noticed it.<br>
\tThe sky. Once again it started to change colors. This time it turned blue. The same blue as the flames. That was weird, but what happened next was most surprising.<br>
\tA disk. It was thin, and it was the same shape as a CD. From out point of view it looked about the size of a football field. But, it wasn’t the same color as the UFOs in the movies. It was a mirror. A giant mirror. We saw our reflections in the sky. The only thing that wasn’t our reflection was the hole in the center, which instead showed the blue color of the sky. Out of the hole, something fell out. A body.<br>
\tWe ran over to see what happened. Nobody was dead though. Quite the contrary. It was alive.<br>
\tIt walked over towards us. We didn’t run, because we knew if it wanted us dead, he would have killed us already, just like the situation with Sammy. We just stood there. It was transparent. All we could see was an outline. It looked just like a human but it was eight feet tall. It got closer and closer. Finally, the transparent alien said something.<br>
“You four are going to start life. All over again.”
 

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In terms of grammar etc. I think you have too many short sentences in there. It reads quite abrupt and stilted. I would try taking out some full stops and using connective words instead to make longer sentences, then it will flow much more nicely. You also slip from past tense to present (the note <b>says</b> I love you)<br><br>
For the actual content and plot I will have to read again when I am less tired and digest it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/grin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":D"> My initial thought is that you have a few things that don't add up, like driving at 120mph through streets crammed with cars, and somehow knowing that a blue flame is a meteorite (wouldn't it be more like a white streak?). It's certainly an action packed and thrilling story!
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Earthling</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2889368"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
In terms of grammar etc. I think you have too many short sentences in there. It reads quite abrupt and stilted. I would try taking out some full stops and using connective words instead to make longer sentences, then it will flow much more nicely. You also slip from past tense to present (the note <b>says</b> I love you)<br><br>
For the actual content and plot I will have to read again when I am less tired and digest it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/grin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":D"> My initial thought is that you have a few things that don't add up, like driving at 120mph through streets crammed with cars, and somehow knowing that a blue flame is a meteorite (wouldn't it be more like a white streak?). It's certainly an action packed and thrilling story!</div>
</div>
<br>
Thanks! This is the kind of feedback I am looking for. I corrected most of the stuff you told me. I did the small sentence thing on purpose. I puts a certain emphasis on things in my opinion. Any other opinions?
 

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I so far like it. However overused the alien card is. I like it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/grin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":D">
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Changed the date. 2012 seems too cliched
 

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It would probably be easier on the eyes if you divided out the paragraphs a little wider.<br><br>
I don't care for the content of the story, but that's my constructive criticism as a recovering English nerd.
 
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