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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
When I was six years old I became a vegetarian.

I still remember to this day, 11 years later the event that changed my life. I was in McDonalds with my dad, eating my chicken nuggets. A thought suddenly hit me. Why do they call chicken nuggets chicken I wondered. My dad told me the truth.

When I told my parents I wanted to be a vegetarian, they thought it was just some phase I was going through, and that it wouldnt last more then a week or two. With true dedication, I proved them wrong.

Dedication.

Throughout the years, I have stood by my beliefs, overcoming both temptation and peer pressure. If I got a nickel for every Just eat meat just the once or being a vegetarian doesnt change anything, Rockefeller would have been jealous of me.

\tWhen I was about thirteen years old, due to an overwhelming amount of peer pressure, I was seriously considering about eating meat and fish again for the first time in seven years. But I didnt. Well, not on purpose, anyways.

\tSometime during this considering eating meat phase, I went to a party. One of my favorite foods, at the time, were these little spinach rolls. Of course, I thought, they were vegetarian, despite the fact that the food wasnt labeled/ At this party, on a big buffet table filled with delicious looking food, were about ten dishes, most of it meat. The spinach rolls, though stood out as the one thing that I could eat as a vegetarian. I ate a couple, but they were different than normal spinach rolls. Out of what some would consider paranoia, and others would just call being careful, I asked one of the people in charge of the party what was in the rolls, expecting a one word answer of spinach. A different word came out of the ladies mouth-shrimp.

\tPhysically, it hurt. My stomach felt like it was tearing apart. But there was a psychological aspect to the pain as well. Just knowing that I ate fish, which was something I havent done seven years prior, made the pain that much worse. It wasnt even that much fish either; the roll itself was about the size of a golf ball. But even that was too much for me to handle.

\tFor me, that little golf ball sized shrimp roll symbolizes overcoming temptation. Peer pressure is not an easy thing to handle, and I was almost willing to sell out everything I believe in to make myself look a certain way. A little shrimp roll though, changed my perspective. The way I see it, I was supposed to get that terrible stomachache. It was the push I needed to not give up-to keep that dedication that I have held, at the time for more than half of my life. It was God telling me I should do what I believe in-what is right for me, and not anybody else. Since that experience, I have never considered eating an animal again.

Comments?
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
No opinions?

Sent from my PG06100 using Tapatalk
 

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Yo, if you're looking for a literary critique of the piece (nit-picking as well as general comments) that's really my cup of tea, so if you want, I could hook you up with that sometime before Monday.

If you just want opinions on the feel of it... I don't like doing that for academic papers.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
That would be great! Also, why not? By the way, I am in high school, and this is the subject for my college APPLICATION essay, not a school assignment.
 

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Shrimp isn't "fish"; it's called seafood by most omnis.

Using an analogy other than the "golf ball" may be more powerful, as a golf ball is round and doesn't really resemble the roll it seems you're talking about. Perhaps saying "as big as two fingers" or "not much bigger than my thumb" and then refering to it as "tiny" or "little" after that may be more effective.

Also, when you say "Peer pressure is not an easy thing to handle, and I was almost willing to sell out everything I believe in to make myself look a certain way." it seems to come out of nowhere. You didn't indicate that you ate the rolls at the event to try and fit in, or "look a certain way", you came off as simply being hungry.

I see the points you are trying to make...if you posted the prompt for the essay, it may help us give better feedback.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by *AHIMSA* View Post

I see the points you are trying to make...if you posted the prompt for the essay, it may help us give better feedback.
Yes, I'm curious as to what the topic you're responding to is...
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Its a practice essay for college admission. Just a personal statement about an important event in your life.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by AdamLayish View Post

When I was six years old I became a vegetarian.

I still remember to this day, 11 years later, the event that changed my life. I was in McDonalds with my dad, eating my chicken nuggets. A thought suddenly hit me. "Why do they call chicken nuggets chicken," I wondered. My dad told me the truth.

When I told my parents I wanted to be a vegetarian, they thought it was just some phase I was going through, and that it wouldn't last more than a week or two. With true dedication, I proved them wrong.

Dedication.

Throughout the years, I have stood by my beliefs, overcoming both temptation and peer pressure. If I got a nickel for every "Just eat meat just the once" or "being a vegetarian doesn't change anything," Rockefeller would have been jealous of me.

When I was about thirteen years old, due to an overwhelming amount of peer pressure, I seriously considered eating meat and fish again for the first time in seven years. But I didn't. Well, not on purpose, anyways.

Sometime during this "considering eating meat" phase, I went to a party. One of my favorite foods, at the time, were these little spinach rolls. [One... was] Of course, I thought they were vegetarian, despite the fact that the food wasn't labeled. At this party, on a big buffet table filled with delicious looking food, were about ten dishes, most of it meat. The "spinach rolls" stood out as the one thing that I could eat as a vegetarian. I ate a couple, but they seemed different than normal spinach rolls. Out of what some would consider paranoia, and others would just call being careful, I asked one of the people in charge of the party what was in the rolls, expecting a one word answer of "spinach." A different word came out of the lady's mouth: "shrimp."

Physically, it hurt. My stomach felt like it was tearing apart. But there was a psychological aspect to the pain as well. Just knowing that I ate fish, which was something I hadn't done in the seven years prior, made the pain that much worse. It wasn't even that much fish either; the roll itself was about the size of a golf ball. But even that was too much for me to handle.

For me, that little golf ball sized shrimp roll symbolizes overcoming temptation. Peer pressure is not an easy thing to handle, and I was almost willing to sell out everything I believe in to make myself look a certain way. A little shrimp roll though, changed my perspective. The way I see it, I was supposed to get that terrible stomachache [it's more commonly written "stomach ache"]. It was the push I needed to not give up - to keep the dedication that I had held, at that time, for more than half of my life. It was God telling me I should do what I believe in-what is right for me, and not anybody else. Since that experience, I have never considered eating an animal again.

Comments?
See above grammar revisions. Since you used the word "college," I assume you are in the US and are thus expected to follow US standards. (The English tend to follow different rules regarding the placement of punctuation marks in relation to quotations.)

Unless you're applying to a Christian school, I'd also omit the God reference. It's probably fine to mention your religion given such a broad prompt, but concluding that God was telling you what to do in any given situation, without presenting any basis for that conclusion, may make you come across as irrational, even if you're actually not.
 

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Very nice first start. Make the above revisions and repost for critique.

...or not. It is YOUR paper. Only you can know if it sounds right.
 

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Hmm... It seems to be missing something. You never really say why you went vegetarian, or why you decided to become a dedicated vegetarian. Yeah, so you had a realization as a kid that chicken nuggets are made from chickens. All kids have that realization but it doesn't turn them into vegetarians. So what was different for you? That's what's missing. It almost reads as if "proving your parents wrong" was the only reason you decided to stick with it.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by kpickell View Post

Hmm... It seems to be missing something. You never really say why you went vegetarian, or why you decided to become a dedicated vegetarian. Yeah, so you had a realization as a kid that chicken nuggets are made from chickens. All kids have that realization but it doesn't turn them into vegetarians. So what was different for you? That's what's missing. It almost reads as if "proving your parents wrong" was the only reason you decided to stick with it.
This is how I felt as well upon reading the essay. The most interesting thing about a personal journey to veg*nism is the 'why' and I think more time could have been spent exploring that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by kpickell View Post

Hmm... It seems to be missing something. You never really say why you went vegetarian, or why you decided to become a dedicated vegetarian. Yeah, so you had a realization as a kid that chicken nuggets are made from chickens. All kids have that realization but it doesn't turn them into vegetarians. So what was different for you? That's what's missing. It almost reads as if "proving your parents wrong" was the only reason you decided to stick with it.
That is one criticism I was expecting. While right now this is a practice essay, with some corrections it will be the one I am turning in. The reason I didn't explain more in depth was because I wanted to keep the person who chooses if I get in the college in mind. If I start explaining "I didn't want to eat murdered animals" anymore, I may make the admissions person feel guilty, which won't help me get in.
 

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Do you have any response to the other feedback shared? It would be nice to hear it, if so.
 

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Is it supposed to be a formal academic paper? Or more of a personal story?
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by AdamLayish View Post

That is one criticism I was expecting. While right now this is a practice essay, with some corrections it will be the one I am turning in. The reason I didn't explain more in depth was because I wanted to keep the person who chooses if I get in the college in mind. If I start explaining "I didn't want to eat murdered animals" anymore, I may make the admissions person feel guilty, which won't help me get in.
I think that's the right approach. You wrote enough to indicate why you're vegetarian without the risk of coming off as holier than thou. I think the reader will easily make the connection without you spelling it out in greater detail.
 

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I like most people's responses.

Personally, I'd drop the "Well, not on purpose, anyways." comment. It's too early, and we don't know what you're referencing.

It leads us to make assumptions. Your reader is someone who doesn't already know you, and is getting to know you as we read this piece. Readers get to know you and pass judgement on you as person/author with only the little clues we see in text. That particular phrase, when read at that point in the piece, steers the reader down a different mental path than you intend.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
When I was six years old I became a vegetarian.

I still remember to this day, 11 years later, the event that changed my life. I was in McDonalds with my dad eating my chicken nuggets. A thought suddenly hit me. "Why do they call chicken nuggets chicken" I wondered. My dad told me the truth.

When I told my parents I wanted to be a vegetarian, they thought it was just some phase I was going through, and that it wouldn't last more than a week or two. With true dedication, I proved them wrong.

Dedication.

Throughout the years, I have stood by my beliefs, overcoming both temptation and peer pressure. If I got a nickel for every "Just eat meat just this once" or "being a vegetarian doesn't change anything", Rockefeller would have been jealous of me.

\tWhen I was about thirteen years old, due to an overwhelming amount of peer pressure, I considered eating meat and fish again for the first time in seven years. But I didn't. Well, not on purpose, anyways.

\tSometime during this "considering eating meat" phase, I went to a party. One of my favorite foods, at the time, were tiny spinach rolls. Of course, I thought, they were vegetarian, despite the fact that the food wasn't labeled. At this party, on a big buffet table filled with delicious looking food, were about ten dishes, most of it meat. The "spinach rolls" stood out as the one thing that I could eat as a vegetarian. I ate a couple, but they seemed different than normal spinach rolls. Out of what some would consider paranoia, and others would just call being careful, I asked one of the people in charge of the party what was in the rolls, expecting a one word answer of "spinach." A different word came out of the lady's mouth: "shrimp."

\tIt hurt, physically. My stomach felt like it was tearing apart. But there was a psychological aspect to the pain, as well. Just knowing that I ate fish, which was something I hadn't done in the seven years prior, exponentially increased the pain. It wasn't even that much fish either; the roll itself was about the size of my thumb. But even that was too much for me to handle.

\tFor me, that little golf ball sized shrimp roll symbolizes overcoming temptation. Peer pressure is not an easy thing to handle, and I was almost willing to sell out everything I believe in to make myself look a certain way. However, a little shrimp roll changed my perspective. The way I see it, I was supposed to get that terrible stomachache. It was the push I needed to not give up, to keep the dedication that I have held at the time for more than half of my life. I took it as a sign from above; something telling me I should do what I believe in and to do what is right for me, not for anybody else. Since that experience, I have never considered eating an animal again.
 
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