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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm trying to win the cover spot competition in paw prints magazine ( http://www.pawprintsmagazine.com/2007covermodel.htm ) which is a local magazine that promotes shelter adoptions. There is tons more I could say, but I'm limited to 300 words, anyone want to tell me what they think?

I wish I was writing about a pastel calico with beautiful green eyes and a shy disposition, but sadly, she was the first to discover that the latch on the back door of our new house didn't quite work correctly, and despite my best efforts she never came back home.

After months of tears every time I saw her picture I knew I would never be ready for another cat, but then three orphans came into my life. My boyfriend's sister found them, dirty and hungry in a field, their mother was dead. At 2 weeks old they couldn't be left by themselves and I had experience caring for kittens so I was asked to come see them. Despite working full time my boyfriend and I were persuaded to take them for "just a night", then, "just until they can be adopted" and then forever.

It was funny how they each had their personalities from the beginning, from two weeks old Pandora has been bossy, talkative, and very attached to my boyfriend, Ducky sweet, loving, and easy to please, and The Dread Pirate Roberts, despite his Siamese markings, is almost silent, with clown like antics.They brighten every day , they make me laugh, they keep me company while I watch TV, or make dinner. Every part of my life is better because of them, and while they'll never replace my sweet girl, they make it a little easier to bear.

They are wonderful advocates for pet rescue, they disprove the notion that rescuing an animal means you get a broken pet. You don't, you get a friend who understands everything you have done for them, who knows how bad life can be and is forever grateful you took them into your home and made them part of your family.

Thanks!
 

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That's just beautiful! I love it!


The punctuation is the only thing I see that needs fixing up, but I'm sure somebody at the magazine will do that for you.
 

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This was wonderful! I'm sure it will improve your chances of winning if you get an edit beforehand; I write magazine articles so if you don't mind I'll make a few suggestions.

Quote:
Originally Posted by thebelovedtree View Post

I wish I was writing about a pastel calico with beautiful green eyes and a shy disposition, but sadly, she was the first to discover that the latch on the back door of our new house didn't quite work correctly, and despite my best efforts she never came back home.
You said there was more you would write but you were limited to 300 words. I know what that's like! I spend a lot of my day trying to cut out words. If you want to gain a little more space, consider revising something like this:

"I wish I could tell the story of my sweetly shy, green-eyed calico, but she was the first to discover the broken latch on the back door of our new house. Despite my best efforts, she never came home." (words saved: 11)

Quote:
After months of tears every time I saw her picture I knew I would never be ready for another cat, but then three orphans came into my life. My boyfriend's sister found them, dirty and hungry in a field, their mother was dead. At 2 weeks old they couldn't be left by themselves and I had experience caring for kittens so I was asked to come see them.
"After months of tears every time I saw her picture" This is very touching, but as you said, this isn't your calico's story (though I wish it was, too). I'd skip to the end and revise something like this:

"I knew I would never be ready for another cat, but months later my boyfriend's sister called. She had found three dirty, hungry kittens in a field. Their mother was dead. As I had experience caring for kittens, she asked me to come see them." (words saved = 23)

I cut out the "two week old" part because you mention their age below.

Quote:
Despite working full time my boyfriend and I were persuaded to take them for "just a night", then, "just until they can be adopted" and then forever.
Very sweet.

Quote:
It was funny how they each had their personalities from the beginning, from two weeks old Pandora has been bossy, talkative, and very attached to my boyfriend, Ducky sweet, loving, and easy to please, and The Dread Pirate Roberts, despite his Siamese markings, is almost silent, with clown like antics.They brighten every day , they make me laugh, they keep me company while I watch TV, or make dinner. Every part of my life is better because of them, and while they'll never replace my sweet girl, they make it a little easier to bear.
A few punctuation errors here, nothing serious. "It was funny how they each had their personalities from the beginning. From two weeks old, Pandora was bossy, talkative, and very attached to my boyfriend. Ducky was sweet, loving, and easy to please," (on my first read I thought Ducky was your boyfriend!) "and The Dread Pirate Roberts, despite his Siamese markings, clowned around in utter silence." (love the names, btw!) The rest of the paragraph is great. (Also saved 2 words)

Quote:
They are wonderful advocates for pet rescue, they disprove the notion that rescuing an animal means you get a broken pet. You don't, you get a friend who understands everything you have done for them, who knows how bad life can be and is forever grateful you took them into your home and made them part of your family.
Maybe "My orphans" would be stronger than "They." Also you might tidy up the punctuation a bit: "My orphaned three are wonderful advocates for pet rescue. They disprove the notion that rescued animals are broken pets. They're not; they're friends who understand everything you have done for them, who know how bad life can be, and are forever grateful that you took them into your home and made them part of your family." (Very strong paragraph, btw! You have a knack for this. Also saved 3 words).

I hope you understand that these are TOTALLY only suggestions and use or discard whatever you like...I just happen to do this every day and want to help! We're also happy to look over your second draft. If you use something similar to my edits above, you also save 39 words. Might not seem like a lot, but it's amazing what you can do with 39 words!

GOOD LUCK!
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Yeah I know the punctuation is horrible, my word processor is acting weird and putting little dots instead of spaces, and replacing other symbols for punctuation,etc. My proof reading skills already aren't that great and that just made it worse. Plus I was late for work I just let it go.

Medesha, thank you so much for cutting out words. I tend to be VERY verbose, so that was difficult for me (I kept rewording it and actually making it longer). 39 words is another sentence or two.
 
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