VeggieBoards banner
1 - 20 of 28 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,146 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Steve and I have been friends for six years. He's had a crush on me the entire time. Honestly, I really only talk to him when I'm bored. He's not a bad person, just annoying. Three weeks ago he told me he wasn't going to bother talking to me anymore because I don't show any interest in him. He's right. He and I have nothing in common. Conversations with him always leave me frustrated and wanting to strangle him, because he keeps beating the same dead horse. (Steve: Are you still gay? Me: Yes. We've had this conversation before. Steve: I don't see why we can't still go out.)

Last night he sent me an instant message asking if we could be friends again. I've had my away message up since then because I don't want to talk to him. I have two options here: I can tell him the truth outright and cut him off completely, or I can keep him around as an acquaintance. What's less cruel? (I'm really not trying to be cruel here.)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,606 Posts
It's less cruel to cut him off. Keeping him around keeps his hopes up.

However, if he's too dense to realize it's not gonna happen, who cares if you're cruel?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
350 Posts
Tell him that you realize it's too hard to mantain a friendship with him because you have little in common, and because he refuses to respect and appreciate that your not attracted to him. Ask him why would you want to continue a friendship that is a guise for him continually trying to get in your pants. Tell him how boring and offensive his approach is. Tell him your in a place in your life were you are ready to more honest and open in your friendships and you realize it's not going happen with him. Let him know this is your last conversation and wish him well.

Some years ago I decided to get rid of the clutter in my life, it included the negative, burdensome friendships I had cultivated out of boredom. When these people called I told them the truth, that I didn't want the negative energy that we were sharing in my life any more. It wasn't an easy thing to do, but it allowed space for better quality relationships, and much more positive energy to come into my life.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
184 Posts
Aww, that's kinda mean....

Sorry, I know that wasn't what you were looking for! But I understand, I have the same problem.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
0 Posts
i have the same problem with a friend who is sooooooo unbelievably negative and likes griping about others too. spent a year talking to him, trying to get him out of it and now i give up. i talk to him when i see him and all, and seriously i don't mind talking to him when he's not being sad and/or complaining about other ppl or things. i don't have the heart to tell him off, esp since he sees me as the lil sis he's never had. but i guess if you could tell the guy, do, cos it'll save both of you the agony!
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
10,763 Posts
"Honestly, I really only talk to him when I'm bored."

This is really inconsiderate of you -- it involves putting yourself ahead of him, above him. Anyone with any sense would have completely dropped all dealings with you. If he wants to contact me I would be glad to tell him how to get rid of you, and make you as miserable as possible in the process.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
10,763 Posts
I don't see why you can't go "out" with him, to enjoy various entertainments other than sex, just because you are gay, either. You know, like have fun.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
350 Posts
Soilman, It is my understanding that they are both being dishonest in their friendship if he is hanging out with her simply to have another opportunity to make their involvement a sexual one, and if she is simply hanging out with him simply to have something to occupy her time. If she is not getting much satisfaction from their friendship I doubt if he is finding a lot of pleasure in it on his side. Relationships do not take place in a vacuum, for every action there is a reaction, whether you perceive it or not.

I think one of the worst things you can do for someone is feel pity for them, but incontrast, one of the kindess things is to show compassion. By expressing how you honestly feel you are showing compassion for yourself, and the other person by inviting them to express how they honestly feel. They both deserve to hear how they impact one another.

Her friend doesn't need your pity or anger, you're putting him beneath her by assuming he has been the victim in this friendship. They both have an opportunity to grow, and feel good about themselves, from ending this farse with honest words.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,606 Posts
Humph! In Verbivore's defense: She's made it clear to him she's not interested. The guy is obviously just dense. He is being purposefully annoying for repeatedly bugging her about "going out."

She *is* above him, because she has the ability to perceive things about human relations. (i.e., she knows how to take a hint)
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
10,763 Posts
"That whole situation is F'd up, IMO, and it should end now"

Well, I don't think we need to make mountains out of molehills.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
0 Posts
Quote:
I have two options here: I can tell him the truth outright and cut him off completely, or I can keep him around as an acquaintance. What's less cruel? (I'm really not trying to be cruel here.)
It's not a matter of being cruel, but rather of doing whats best for you both of you.

If you have nothing in common, and you only talk to him when you're bored, it seems to me that you are just using him out of convenience (and keeping the friendship alive), and thats not fair to him. And its not fair to you for him to keep pestering you over the same issue.

Seems to *me*, the best option is to firmly tell him the truth (and the whole truth, not a compromise, i.e. 'well, maybe sometime we can hang out together....'), and let the friendship go.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,146 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
He wanted more than a friendship and wouldn't let it go. It's more than that; he and I have a history of making each other miserable. I agree that the situation is effed up, big time. Again, I don't really hate him. So I just him flat-out that we just can't make the friendship work.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,089 Posts
This isn't really an answer to the specific question, but it goes to how I felt about myself after going against my better judgment:

I had dated a guy for a few months, then ended it. My best friend and I ran into him and his good-looking buddy on a night out. My friend and the buddy were attracted to eachother. My best friend begged me to go out with them on a double date with the guy I had stopped dating! I couldn't stand this guy anymore, but I didn't hate him. I *really* didn't want to go. I knew he still liked me a lot and wanted to see eachother again. She was adamant about me going with her, blah, blah, blah. I went for *her,* but have felt guilty ever since! This was years ago, mind you. This didn't hurt the guy in any way (that I know of) that was obvious, but it is my conscious, my inner knowledge of what's right and wrong, of what's true and false, of what's honest and deceptive, of what's ethical and unethical that convicts me. I shouldn't have gone because, one, I didn't want to; and, two, it was giving him hope where there was none, and I knew that. Right or wrong on his part, whether he made an assumption or not, I knew he'd think that.

But that's just me. I think everyone is unique and sees things differently. I just know I was wrong. I would never want someone to go out with me if they really didn't want to and did it just for their friend! That is humiliating! I prefer brutal honesty over benevolence to pacify me.

So, I guess, I'm just saying do what your conscience allows.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
59 Posts
One time I had a hangnail. It was very painful every time I tried to where tight shoes. I wanted very badly to remove it, but somehow I knew that I couldn't because the pain reminded me that I had a toe.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,791 Posts
Just don't answer his contacts or contact him again. It is time for him to move on. Give him a gentle shove on his way.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
10,763 Posts
"So I just [told?] him flat-out that we just can't make the friendship work."

I don't know that telling him that is necessary, unless he asks. It is often sufficient to just say you are too busy to speak to him, if he calls. however if episodes of boredom overwhelms your self-control and you have trouble refraining from interacting with him when you are bored, this isn't going to work. That is why I am saying that is is you who is exhibiting improper behavior here, not him. He may be also, but whether he is also, is not relevant. Not unless he is doing something like being a stalker or a repeated harasser, despite specific requests to him that he not try and contact you -- which you haven't indicated that he is. Only if that is the case do you need to do something like tell him flat-out that we just can't make the friendship work. And then you would also need to be prepared to take more drastic measures if he still tries to contact you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
0 Posts
this doesn't have to be complicated. live your life and be yourself. it will work itself out if you are honest with yourself and him. if you are coy with him he won't let up- he's a guy. if you are honest you will save yourself and him a lot of grief. that's my 2cents, good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,133 Posts
Ummm Soilman? She's gay. Her friend Steve doesn't seem to "get" that he has a snowballs chance in hell to move the friendship to the next level. I think she's frusterated and not trying to appear snobbish. She has a bonified reason to end this friendship.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Verbivore View Post

Steve and I have been friends for six years. He's had a crush on me the entire time. Honestly, I really only talk to him when I'm bored. He's not a bad person, just annoying. Three weeks ago he told me he wasn't going to bother talking to me anymore because I don't show any interest in him. He's right. He and I have nothing in common. Conversations with him always leave me frustrated and wanting to strangle him, because he keeps beating the same dead horse. (Steve: Are you still gay? Me: Yes. We've had this conversation before. Steve: I don't see why we can't still go out.)
I think Verbivore, If I'm understanding correctly that you have asserted your position and you're frusterated at the fact that Steve doesn't understand that being a lesbian is a fun temporary thing to do before you settle down and be straight and live happily ever after. (If I'm reading to deep, I'm sorry if I popped psyched this to death) To many guys have watched Chasing Amy and are wrongfully lead to believe "My dick will make her straight".
Regardless, I think you will better off ending the friendship. It's not doing you or him any good. Be honest, tell him that you don't want to lead him on anymore and it's best that you don't see each other anymore.
 
1 - 20 of 28 Posts
Top