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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
First of all I apologize for this post being off topic to vegetarianism, but I don't know where else to go for advice, and most people here seem to be very knowledgeable. Anyways, here is my situation. So I met this guy a few months ago, and from the first day we "clicked", so we started spending a lot of time together. After only a few days we were dating and everything was amazing, unexplainable. We both thought that this was the best relationship we had ever experienced (keep in mind I was only 15 for the first month, and he is only 17). I still have yet to meet someone remotely close to how he thinks, acts, and loves. He would always tell me how much he admired my veganism, unlike past boyfriends I have had who were opposed to it. He has become my best friend, and I care very deeply for him. He is a very important part of my life, especially because I don't have many close friends. He goes to a boarding school because in the past he has had drug dependency problems in the past, though he has been clean for about a year. He had ran away from a rehab type facility shortly after his good friend there got out. He and his friend went through hell to get clean together, and they were all eachother had at that time in thier lives. I will explain the significance of this in a second.

Anyways (sorry for the long intro), a couple of weeks ago we were at a close friends house (the freind who introduced us). He had just gotten home from school, and we were so happy to see eachother. Then, he got a phone call from one of his friends telling him that his friend (the one I was talking about before) had died from an overdose of methadone. He was shocked because they were both clean for a very long time, and he had heard his friend started using again, but never got to talk to him about it. Of course, I didn't know how to react to this, so I just let him know I would be there for him and tried to comfort him as best as I could. Throughout this time he has become more and more distant, which I understood and gave him some space. Then, after about a week he called me and said he wanted to go on a break. This confused me because I didn't really know what the terms of a "break" actually are. Though I was upset, I thought it was selfish to take it so personally. He said he would call me later, he never called. He finally answered his phone for me to ask him if he was comming home this (this past) weekend and he said yes and that he would call me later. He never called. My friend (his best friend) had seen him on Friday and told him I was pretty upset and that he should call me. He never called. I waited all of saturday, called and called him, but he never called back. Then, sunday morning he picked up the phone, told me he was doing alright (which was comforting) and that the reason why he hadn't seen me, or even talked to me was because he felt bad for screwing me over and didn't know what to say to me. Aside from that, not much got said. So I called him last night and he told me he wasn't really expecting to get back together with me. He also explained that his way of dealing with his problems is alone, and he doesn't really know any other way of dealing with it. I asked if it was also that he thought we just weren't right for eachother, and he said that was part of it. That was what really, really hurt me. If he felt that way then so much of what he said about how he felt about me must have been lies. Which is shocking because he isn't one to abstain from telling someone the truth, ever. Oh, and another factor that may have affected him is that he went off of his depression medication right after he found out about the death of his friend, though he was supposed to stop taking it about a week or two after. Now here is what makes things so very difficult, his best friend (one of my close friends) who has always been there for me and tried to comfort me during these times has just sunday confessed his love for me. He told me he had really liked me a few years back, and those feelings never went away. I feel so stuck, lost and confused right now, I really do not know what to do.

Again, I'm sorry this is so long. I guess I'm pretty bad at summarizing my thoughts.

Has anyone else been in this type of situation?

If so, how did you deal with it?

Or, is this just me over reacting to a situation as many teenagers do?

Thank you so much for taking your time to read this.
 

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Has anyone else been in this type of situation?

I think a lot of us have been. Especially at your age. People at your age are just figuring out who they are, really. We think we are being truthful to others and ourselves, but sometimes we are not. I lost my first love at 18 (to alcohol and drugs through some new "friends" at college), we had been together through so much, that part of my identity was tied to him, and I thought my world was coming to and end. And a part of it did - but then, new parts of me grew, and new parts of my world showed up. He might have been dishonest with you in some ways, but to be honest, I think at your age its really, really, really hard to "know" if someone is right for you. He has things he needs to sort out, and if he has decided that is without you, then its his loss, and you need to move on.

If so, how did you deal with it?

Suffered and cried for a long time (lovely teenage hormones, I don't miss that!!! I'm pregnant now and I can tell you, teenage ones are way worse.) But, I didnt allow myself to screw up school. I focused on school work, went to college, met the true man of my dreams, and married him. ;-) Same could happen to you too!

Or, is this just me over reacting to a situation as many teenagers do?

You're not over-reacting, you're reacting the only way you know how. You're a sensitive and sensible young lady, as far as I can tell from your post. You will have an uphill battle getting over this guy, but the ONLY thing I can tell you from experience is, DO NOT go back to him. He has a lot of stuff to figure out, so do you, and it will drag your self-esteem through the mud if he's off-again on-again. I've seen this happen to so many people, and I allowed it to happen to me for a while too (I was SOOOO convinced I could help him, and that he would see how much I loved him... nope.) You are still young, and intelligent, and have a lot ahead of you. Focus on you, not him. Study hard and build a future for YOURSELF. That's the only advice I can give you. The rest will all fall into place on its own :) Good luck and I hope you get through this soon!
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you so much for your reply, you have no idea how much that comforted me. It has been so hard to look at this in a posotive light, though I know times like these will help shape who I am. The only thing I am scared of is not being able to find someone else like him (I know this must sound so rediculous comming from a 16 year old girl). There was just so many things about his personality that I have never seen in anyone else. You're right though, I will definatly work harder in school and with my artwork, and hopefully that will give me something more benefical to focus my time on. Again, thank you so much for your advice.
 

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Oh, no worries. I'm glad to help. I can really feel for what you're going through. I thought I could NEVER have a connection like that with someone else again - we had a bond that few people ever do. That made it even harder when our relationship fell apart. I felt I had lost something so precious and rare, something I'd never find again. Guess what? I found something even better. A wonderful man, true trust, true love - he's DEFINITELY not the same as the first guy, he's BETTER, in so many ways. I never would have been able to imagine that when I was going through all that heartache. Try not to think about finding another man right now, though - the best advice I can give is to prepare yourself for life (educationally, financially, etc.) and the rest will follow. You have a big heart, a lot to offer - love will find root in you again!!!

p.s. you're very wise to see that this experience helps shape who you are, because it will. It will make you stronger, more empathetic for others, and teach you a lot about life. Struggle and strife hurt, but in many cases, they make us better people for it. You're gonna be just fine, I hope the daughter I'm growing in my belly has as much insight as you at your age :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thank you! I'm glad you found true love, and you're having a child with him? That's amazing! Congratulations! Maybe how my situation turned out is for the better anyways, I still have so many things I would like to experience in life. Plus it would probably be best for me to learn more from myself and nature, and not through others for a while.
 

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What a stressful time for all of you. While the details of everyone's heartache are different, it still hurts.

My advice would be to tell the new guy who is interested in you that you're still recovering from the breakup with the old guy and aren't ready to date anyone else just now. Let the old guy go - you can't make people be with you - and keep in mind that he needs to heal and get himself back on track before he's in a relationship again, too.

Then take some time to mope and heal and find yourself and figure out what you want before you get into another relationship. It really is worth it. Whether you spend some time going out with your girlfriends or a group of friends, or get involved in a new school activity doesn't really matter. Just take the time you need. You'll know when you're ready for a new relationship. (The amount of time to heal tends to vary based on you and your personality, as well as the length of the relationship. So don't try to go by a timetable.)

I think all of us think when a relationship breaks up that we'll never find anyone like so-and-so. Sooner or later, most of us do, though, and you have plenty of time. You DO know now, though, what are some of the things that you want in a relationship, and that will be handy down the road.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Yeah, I tend to jump into relationships very quickly, hopefully I'll be able to occupy myself for a while and try to figure myself out before getting into another relationship. Thank you so much for the advice.
 

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Something similar happened to my mum a few years ago. Her and a guy had started seeing each other and were ready to really commit and all of a sudden his best friend, who was a pilot, crashed his plane and died. Well he completely shut off from mum and eventually ended the relationship. Mum was devastated but moved on and he expressed interest in her again months down the track but she had since met someone else.

This anecdote doesn't really help you, but just because this happened doesn't mean it's reflective of you, almost everyone has their heartbroken. Unfortunately when it happens as a teenager you don't have the wisdom and self-confidence to take it in your stride.

I doubt he was lying when he said how deep his feelings were. I think he probably believed he really did like you but his friends death forced him to assess things differently and caused a fair bit of confusion.
 

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Don't write off your feelings as just teenage silliness. I was heart broken as a teen and it feels the same as an adult- it sucks.


My only advice is to find strength to create a distance between the two of you while you get your bearings back. It's quite possible he might start doing a come here go away thing or that if you talk it might get your hopes up. That just makes things harder, IMO.

I wish you well (and him, too. He's probably going through a lot of difficulties.)
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Thank you so much everyone for your help, I think I just had a lot of trouble accepting his decision, as it came out of nowhere to me. I'm still shocked it happened though. I will definatly keep my distance, I know if I contiune to keep calling him during these times it will ruin my self esteem.
 
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