-AWO Inspector Troub
Join the force!Constable: the lowest rank on the force. Constables follow a vegan diet and try to avoid animal products in other areas of their lives. They have not developed the strong critical talents of the higher ranks.
Sergeant: vegan Police Sergeants have worked hard to develop a strong disapproval of non-vegans, very rarely befriending such people and usually believe there is nothing to be learned or gained from them. They tolerate other vegans despite differences of opinion.
Inspectors: scrutinize the behavior of other vegans - and are never satisfied. There are several specialist branches of this rank detailed below:
Animal Welfare Officer: special duties include finding fault with the way everyone they come in contact with looks after animals - in cases where no fault can be found it is imperative that they fabricate something to tell people. These officers fulfill the essential 'blissful ignorance of own faults' clause superbly by their fondness of shutting animals outside in blizzard conditions with no shelter.
Vegan Family Liaison Officer: these very special officers start out by developing a philosophy of non-procreation, believing that it is wrong to bring more humans into an already over-populated world. However to become a fully fledged Family Liaison Officer they must learn to publicly snub and be generally unpleasant to all people who either have children, are children or may once have been children.
Detective Inspector: these highly dedicated professionals carry out secret investigations. They can be found frantically rifling through wardrobes in search of footwear and clothing produced by companies with imperfect ethics. They delve into the depths of bathroom cabinets seeking out toiletries and medicines that may have been tested on animals or contain animal by-products. Their hardest task is to check the labels of items in food cupboards - they may have to volunteer to make dinner to accomplish this. There is a very specialized section of this rank - the Nestle division. These inspectors have been given a very thorough training and are able to spot Nestle merchandise from a great distance. Should these highly sensitized souls discover a jar of Nescafe in your kitchen there is no telling what sort of frenzy they may fly into. Sometimes it is possible to calm them down with alcohol or a mild sedative but there have been occasions where the use of a tranquilizer dart has become necessary to protect the safety of the public.
Media representative: their role is to bring the pernickityness (OK it's not really a word - who are you, the grammer police?) of vegans into the wider public awareness. They write and complain to various publications and broadcasters about all things which may or may not be completely vegan. Common issues raised are 'is the vegan rock star wearing a mutilated animal in that photo?', 'are those photos digital or gelatine based?', 'was the sugar in your recipe refined with bone char?', 'why did you let the cow look happy in that film?' and 'don't you see that I'm more vegan than you?'.
Literary critic/censor: an avid love of reading is essential to become a vegan literary CC. They devour book after book finding imperfection in them all. In cases where the author has mentioned eating a cheese sandwich or a bun containing whey powder all hell may be let loose. In lesser instances of imperfection such as a slight doubt that the writer is vegan, this will just be used to discredit everything he/she has ever said or written. While deeply disapproving children's reading matter which involves fictional owls being used to deliver fictional letters the vegan literary CC fully approves exceptionally violent videos and computer games for the under 10's.
Chief Superintendent: A person who has no qualms about openly telling everyone how to run their lives, what to eat, wear, buy, which magazines and political movements to subscribe to, organizations to join, which people are acceptable as friends etc. The Chief Super also believes they know more than any other being about every subject known to man (and some others too). Some of the less discriminating inspectors actually worship the CS and base all their own ideas on those of the CS, becoming completely infatuated - this is most tragic but there seems to be no cure.
In this turbulent world we see extremist groups popping up here there and everywhere - vegans are no exception. A reader from Berkeley, CA has recently informed us of a newly emerging group which has been spotted in action at potlucks and other public occasions and places - the Vegan Religious Extremists (sometimes referred to as the Vegan Taliban): Veganism is not a way of life to these people - it is a religion and they have seen the (soy) light. Characterized by unwavering hero-worship of vegan celebrities (though upon occasion they have been known to become confused and accidently start worshipping meat-eating movie stars) and the fact that they carry out highly public, theatrical actions to spread the holy word of veganism and to let everyone know what selfless martyrs they are to the cause. Should they rescue an injured wild bird or small rodent they will take great pleasure in carrying it about in the street to show people (hence terrorizing the poor creature into possible heart failure), taking it to work with them and wheeling it around Safeways in their shopping trolley. These zealots are also experts in the brainwashing of children and they teach their young to see the world in black and white with no grey areas or room for compromise in any situation. Rational discourse and acknowledging the views of others are about as foreign to these people as eating meat and dairy products. Their aim? To hasten the exit of meat and dairy eating sinners into hell.
Impersonating a Police Officer is a crime but sadly this happens all too often. There is a large group of "non-vegan police" out there policing vegans. They strive to catch us out insisting that all cake contains egg so 'you're not really vegan at all' or 'those biscuits have butter in them - I know, I've had them' and 'your shoes look like leather so you're not a true vegan then' in a desperate attempt to feel good about themselves. Exposure to the Chief Super (see above) usually cures them (though this may result in fatalities so is not a recommended course of action) and occasionally starts them on the road to becoming high ranking officers in the Vegan Police Force themselves.
-AWO Inspector Troub