VeggieBoards banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 67 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
0 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have a problem that is affecting my relationship with my 24 year-old girlfriend, "Kaeli". We have been together for 3 years, she has been vegan for 8. When we met, she knew I ate meat and dairy products, and I knew she was a vegan. I respected her choice, and it appeared that she respected mine. Recently, however, Kaeli has been constantly trying to convert me to a vegan lifestyle. When she does the food shopping (with my money; she is not working but in law school), she buys no meat like I ask her to. She says that she refuses to handle meat. I say fine, don't volunteer to do the shopping. When I shop, I buy whatever she asks me to, again with my money. I never ask her to cook meat for me, yet if I eat meat while she is home, she will leave the apartment for an hour or two. When her friends are around, they all gang up on me and will rip on me viciously for hours. She is constantly nagging me about my choice, and I cannot bring her to Thanksgiving, Christmas, or Easter dinners because she "will not gather around an animal's carcass." These are meaningful family events, and my family is becoming alienated with Kaeli for her refusal to attend. My stepmother and aunts are more than willing to prepare a dish for her, which is a bit of trouble considering what goes into a Thanksgiving dinner for 14 people.

I love "Kaeli" with all my heart, but I'm losing my patience here. I've been very careful with my words here, because in my experience, vegans/vegetarians can become combatant when dealing with so-called "savages" like myself. I am very happy with my diet, and am in the best shape I've ever been in. I appreciate her concern for my health and well-being (Actually, my body-fat is far lower than hers, even with higher female fat levels taken into account). I just want some advice on how to deal with this situation. Any help would be appreciated.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,557 Posts
It's not fair for her friends to gang up on you, and I'm sure the nagging does no good. But I can't blame her for not wanting to buy meat or watch you eat it.

You don't say this, but it sounds like she is an ethical vegan. She may use the health aspect as a way to talk to you about it, but if I were in her place, it would come second to the issue of ethics.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,153 Posts
She's being very inconsiderate.. I'm not sure if there's anything you can do about that.

Maybe show her your post? Sometimes writing gets the point across better than words.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
0 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Quote:
Originally posted by borealis

It's not fair for her friends to gang up on you, and I'm sure the nagging does no good. But I can't blame her for not wanting to buy meat or watch you eat it.

You don't say this, but it sounds like she is an ethical vegan. She may use the health aspect as a way to talk to you about it, but if I were in her place, it would come second to the issue of ethics.
I don't force her to buy meat, she volunteers to do the shopping. I buy what she wants with my money. I am supporting the two of us as she finishes law school, and I understand that she doesn't want to handle meat or cook it. She doesn't have to do either. I have no problem with shopping or cooking. I will do them myself. As far as ethics go, I am aware of hers as I have been for the past 3 years. I do not enjoy having someone else's beliefs imposed on me. I have never shoved a steak in her face, nor have I ever belittled or made fun of her. I think I deserve the same in return. People are free to make their own choices, she is not criticized for hers. I don't want to be criticized for mine.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
28 Posts
i completely agree with marie, your girlfriend is being inconsiderate. she should be able to treat you with the same respect you're treating her. i can understand not wanting to cook the meat, but she seems to be acting a little extreme. has she always been this way? or has it just been recently. if so, maybe sit her down and talk to her calmly about this and tell her that she needs to be a little more understanding of your lifestyle.

**i just reread your first post** maybe, you could try to find out where this effort to convert you all of a sudden came from? i find it odd that she would be accepting of your lifestyle before and then not now...?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
0 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Recently, she has been attending a lot of area "meetings", although I've never been to one. I'm not sure what goes on there, but that is the only thing that has changed that I can think of.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,304 Posts
Your girlfriend is being incredibly rude. She should treat you with respect. The fact that her friends belittle you isn't so bad--what's bad is that she doesn't stick up for you in front of them and make it clear to them that behavior of that sort is unacceptable.

If this is all as sudden as you say it is, I would say that the problem is not with your dietary habits but that it is symptomatic of something else. Perhaps she is getting cold feet about the relationship and is trying to sabotage it. I'm not saying she doesn't love you b/c I have no idea, but I think all of a sudden harping on you for your ways is a bit suspect that there's an underlying issue.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
0 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I dunno, but if it continues, her ass will be out the door. I'm tired of it. She will have to find someone else (a vegan) to support her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,218 Posts
Wow, that's a little harsh. Have you had a chat with her about this? I live with a carnivore
and although I may not like the way some of his food looks and smells, I don't think I'm in a position to criticize. I make different curries and curry isn't the most pleasant smell.

I think someone needs an attitude adjustment.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
0 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
It sounds like there are other issues besides her veganism at play here. I've been a vegan for 2 years and a vegetarian for 6, and my boyfiend, whom I've been with for 6 years eats meat. I won't cook it, and even dislike buying it, but you have to respect other peoples choices. For me, being a vegan works, for him it doesn't. People who become veg*ns for ethical reasons do have a difficult time watching others eat meat, but trying to convert someone is useless and usually alienates them. If you are supporting her, perhaps you should just give her money to buy her own food, and you get yours. As far as her friends go, tell her you don't want them around at dinner time. If she is as militant as you've presented, perhaps the relationship is at a stalemate, and you should just call it quits. This is a problem that may never be resolved.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,202 Posts
Perhaps you should attend one of the meetings that you think may be the source of the problem. Tell your girlfriend that you want to attend so you'll understand better how she feels.

You might try reading the thread Controversial Question- dating vegans only to see how various vegans on this board feel about it. It's a big issue, in many ways akin to religion. For example, are you content to have your children raised as vegans? It doesn't sound as though she'll agree to your feeding them meat.

"her ass will be out the door" sounds awfully harsh but I understand that you're frustrated. Just be sure that when you speak to her you're calmer. "I'm not sure that I want to live with someone who can't respect my choices." might be more constructive.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
230 Posts
Not to try to break you two up or anything, but maybe a few snide comments about her not eating meat will help. Not like I want to help you be able to eat meat.. because I have been trying to slowly talk my bf out of flesh eating.. but sometimes the only way to get through to someone is to shock them, so maybe if you start doing separate shopping or you make a few rude comments to her to counteract hers she'll get the point.

Oh maybe I should make it clear that this is only an alternative if nothing changes after the really nice, lovey conversation about how her actions are bothering you and you want her to understand your needs better... Good luck!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,631 Posts
hello bosco and welcome to the boards..

your situation is a tough one and i just wanted to say i hope it all works out.

have you been completely honest with her that if it continues the relationship will end?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
10,763 Posts
bosco writes:

==============

I love "Kaeli" with all my heart, but I'm losing my patience here.

=============

I don't blame you, if what you've described as her actions, are so. Your comments supports the arguments that I have made in the past, while vegans and non-vegans certainly should tolerate each other and be respectful and considerate of each other, living together, and having intimate relationships with one another, is not a good idea.

I think you are going to have to part. I hope you will remain friends, but this intimate relationship thing isn't going to work out.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
10,763 Posts
borealis writes:

===============

it sounds like she is an ethical vegan

==============

"ethical vegan" is a redundancy. A vegan is someone who avoids animal products in food, clothing, shelter, and everything else, out of compassion for animals. Someone who eats a diet that is the same as a vegan's diet, but does it for a reason other than compassion for animals, for example for health reason, or because animal food is not readily available, is not a vegan. They are simply someone whose diet is the same as the diet of a vegan. They may be a vegetarian, but they are not a vegan.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,557 Posts
Quote:
Originally posted by soilman



"ethical vegan" is a redundancy.
I agree. It's just that in his initial post, he seemed very focused on his health. I thought perhaps she had been using health issues to talk to him about veganism. I used the word ethical deliberately.

It doesn't sound like a hopeful situation to me, especially after "her ass, out the door" came up.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,902 Posts
first- please tell us how you have discussed this with her. Only during arguments, or have you had a serious sit-down?

2nd- I was in a rel with an omni. The more I thought about a possible future together, the more I thought about his meat eating. It was hard to accept. I think part of me was trying to convert him, but mostly I was taking out my frustration that if I wanted to stay with him, I'd have to accept that about him.

He made sure to say to me several times, "I will never be a vegetarian." I had a hard time letting that sink in. My frustration from that and other things led to our break up.

Ask your gf- "If I am never a vegetarian, do you still love and respect me as you always have?" and make it clear that you will never be a vegetarian, and if she wants to stay with you, she has to accept that without complaint.

SHe might break up with you, but at least you'll be honest with each other.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,778 Posts
Well the way she probably sees it, she volunteers to go buy anything for you except dead animals, hehe.

Also, while this won't help you a bit, I wanted to mention that in those situations when you are nagged by vegans, you will get a picture of how vegans feel most of the time in a predominantly non-vegan world!!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,339 Posts
If you can't bring her to Thanksgiving, Easter, or Christmas dinners, then it sounds like it hasn't only just begun being a problem. And for me, if a person can't hang with my family, then they can't hang with me. Period. The fact that your family has offered to make separate meals for her makes it even worse.


I really feel for you... It sounds as though this issue is central to her life and that she's trying to "fix" you. (Always a bad idea).

To be honest, I would have a problem buying meat. I tried to once when I was helping out my parents with their groceries and I seriously couldn't bring myself to do it, so I can understand where she's coming from on that one. But she should at least be forthright about it and let you know not to expect that so that you can get your food on your own. And the fact that you're paying for everything makes a huge difference, so it's not exactly like my situation was (e.g., they didn't ask for what I brought or expect it, so they couldn't exactly complain about the lack of meat).

I don't know what to tell you except that you worded your first two posts pretty reasonably, and if you want to get all that across without threatening to throw her to the curb, you might want to write what you're feeling out so that you can be sure she is aware of what she is doing. Since her vegan lifestyle is so central to her that she's attending meetings (I'm assuming either AR or diet related?) and she's surrounded by people with similar ethics for quite possibly the first time in her life, she may actually be seeing your meat-eating as an oddity. It can happen when you isolate yourself into homogeneous groups. She may not feel as though she's in the minority for once, and wants to enlighten you or something. I dunno. I'm rambling at this point.

The bottom line is she has to accept you for who you are, or it's not going to work. I think you need to make that clear. Dealing with people who are trying to change you is just miserable... change comes from within, and trying to force it on people makes it less likely to happen.


Good luck with whatever happens.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
0 Posts
Discussion Starter · #20 ·
We've had quite a few sit-down talks, as I'm not one for screaming and arguing. She does nothing but throw brochures at me and scream about the plight of the animals. I tell her that I sympathize for them, and I support her in her cause, yet she won't support me in my cause. (I volunteer at an inner-city playground.) I tell her that millions of humans die every day as well, but it seems that she places more value on the animals than humans. I don't know, she has changed drastically and I don't know how much longer this can go on.
 
1 - 20 of 67 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top