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Hi Folks. Just made the transition tonight. How is it for everyone? The following appeared to day at

Vegan Bank Robbers Apprehended.

According to a news report in the Daily Muse a gang of vegan bank robbers were apprehended after a low speed car chase through the streets of an alternative lifestyle community. The vegan robbers gently entered the building shortly after opening time and after admiring the generous array of potted plants they donned all natural hemp rich balaclavas. They obviously knew their way around: it is believed that the gang had previously cased the joint, so to speak, using a recyclable case.

The leader of the gang, who is thought not to be related to Gary Glitter, approached the bank manager and asked politely for the codes required to open the safe. The bank manager obliged but subsequently recalled to the waiting press that he had had a very lucky escape. He had inadvertently but fortunately overslept that morning and as a consequence did not have time for his usual 'morning constitutional' bacon sandwich. He suspected that if the robbers had known about this dietary weakness they might have raised their voices, or at least an eyebrow in a threatening manner.

The gang opened the safe and stuffed huge wads of freshly minted cash into bleach free cotton holdalls. They then fled the building, but not before they asked the staff and the few mildly amused customers to buy more organic foods and to reduce, reuse and recycle.

The gang then attempted a getaway using a variety of modes of transport. One gang member, subsequently disowned by his colleagues, drove off in a diesel car. He had argued that as the diesel car was more fuel efficient that a petrol equivalent it released less carbon, and was thus environmentally friendly. But the rest of gang had already measured the particulate levels, and despite the public pressure to car share they had voted for an alternative getaway mode.

Bicycles and indeed tandems were considered but it was thought that some of the booty would have to be jettisoned in order to keep to the narrow confines of the cycle lane, and to indicate correctly and appropriately. Some thought this was acceptable but at a committee meeting (chaired by everyone present) it was agreed that as the purpose of the robbery was to fund the purchase of the ultra expensive organic foods they all craved, any jettisoning would be bad for the environment.

After some further debate it was decided to make the getaway in an all electric vehicle. This would produce no emissions at all. Well, except for the emissions in the vicinity of the power station. But at least the power station was in an area with a high proportion of meat eaters, who were trying to kill themselves anyway with saturated fat and LDL cholesterol, and if they can't look after themselves, why should vegan robbers do it for them?

Unfortunately for the robbers the bank manager, who had previously seemed so meek, called the police. They, who in so many juristictions are not known for their sense of fair play, proceeded to the scene post haste, and post BLT, in gas guzzling, turbo powered, ozone depleting cop mobiles.

It was no contest. The vegan robbers gently accelerated to their top cruising speed of 25 miles per hour, knowing that they had up to 80 miles to shake off their pursuers before having to stop for 8 hours to recharge their batteries. Despite imaginative maneuvres, including several hand brake gentle changes of direction, they were soon cornered and had to surrender. Their only hope was that their captors would not make them shave or cut their pony tails. Especially the women.

The robbers were subsequently tried, and despite pleading that they had the most noble intentions, they were given substantial prison sentences by a judge who was at least an omnivore and quite possibly a carnivore. How could justice possibly be served in these circumstances? A compassionate appeal was launched based on the fact that the community's entire harvest of bean sprouts would be laid to waste, but not only did the appeal fail, the sentence was in fact increased. Relatives of the gang had to sell their entire cellars of vintage Peruvian Quinoa to pay the fines.

The ultimate insult to dependents of the Vegan robbers was delivered when it was realised that buyers of the key vintages of Quinoa thought that their spoils had three syllables.

April 10 th 2003. All spoofs reserved ..
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