[reynolds]

I met my boyfried at work. Actually he was my boss. I was 37 years old and he was 56. During the time I met him, I was married and going through a divorce. In the meantime, his 33-year marriage was not doing well for about 6years. We had a great working relationship and then we became good friends. He stated that he had feelings for me, but he did not want to tell me because he did not want to frighten me since he was my boss. Anyway, to make a very long story short. We decided to go into a relationship. Since I we fell inlove with each other, we decided to let the relationship take its course. We started to go out and spend more free time together. During our relationship, I completed my divorce and he did not start the proceeding of his divorce until almost 2 years ago. Now he has been divorced almost 1 year in October. We've been together for 5 years now, going on 6. Finally we now live together since this passed June. Now that we are both free and able to live with each other, I feel like something is missing and that the next step should be marriage. He states he wants to marry me, however, with him everything is a long process.<br><br><br><br>
I've told him before we let our relationship take its course that since I was 37 years old, I would like to find a good man and eventually remarry. It's just that with him I feel all I've done is wait and wait and wait.<br><br><br><br>
Is this normal? My boyfriend is now 63 years old and I am 43 and I guess I'm just not feeling good about living with him without being married since we've been together for so long and we've been through so much.<br><br><br><br>
Can someone comment on this? What should I do? I love him and because of the love I feel for him, I never dated anyone else. I put my life on hold. I did not give myself a chance to meet someone else. Sometimes I think that maybe getting involved with a man 20 years older than me was a mistake.<br><br><br><br>
Sincerely,<br><br>
Confused

 

[Ludi]

If he says he wants to get married but won't actually go with you to get a license, then he doesn't actually want to get married. Getting married isn't a difficult or timeconsuming process.

 

[karenlovessnow]

As an outsider looking in, I don't see a problem with giving it a little more time. You've only been living together a few months. By next June I would definitely see if I could get him to set a date. If not, at that point you will have to make the decision for yourself if you want to continue the way things are or perhaps move on. I don't see that another 10 months will make that much difference in the scheme of things. Of course, if you are really feeling, right now, that you need to be married to him in order to be happy, then you shouldn't settle for less. You are the only one who can really make the decision for yourself.

 

[Poppy]

Does he have children? I ask because I wonder if they have any influence on this decision. Do you have children - and are they supportive of this relationship?

 

[Thalia]

How often do you bring up the subject? Sometimes people need to know for sure they are making a decision because they want to and not because they felt pressured. There can be a fine line between letting someone know your desires and needs and pushing them away. I wish I knew where that line was!!<br><br><br><br>
But I wouldn't give up just yet.

 

[Tesseract]

If you both are committed to being with each other into the foreseeable future, what does it matter if you're married? A piece of paper and a ring are not the measure of genuine commitment or stability.

 

[reynolds]

<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Ludi</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
If he says he wants to get married but won't actually go with you to get a license, then he doesn't actually want to get married. Getting married isn't a difficult or timeconsuming process.</div>
</div>
<br><br><br><br><br>
I know, I've thought about that myself. I think he is afraid. I will be his 3rd marriage.

 

[reynolds]

<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>karenlovessnow</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
As an outsider looking in, I don't see a problem with giving it a little more time. You've only been living together a few months. By next June I would definitely see if I could get him to set a date. If not, at that point you will have to make the decision for yourself if you want to continue the way things are or perhaps move on. I don't see that another 10 months will make that much difference in the scheme of things. Of course, if you are really feeling, right now, that you need to be married to him in order to be happy, then you shouldn't settle for less. You are the only one who can really make the decision for yourself.</div>
</div>
<br><br><br><br><br>
You are right, we just started to live together. I guess I just feel that after being together so long, it would be right to get married. I guess it has to do with wanting to have a blessed marriage and not live forever in sin. He doesn't care about that, but I do. Having two uncles that are ministers and always asking, "When are you going to get married?" embarrasses me.<br><br><br><br>
I'll follow your advice. I give it more time and see what happens. I do love him.<br><br><br><br>
Thanks for your advice.

 

[reynolds]

<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Poppy</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Does he have children? I ask because I wonder if they have any influence on this decision. Do you have children - and are they supportive of this relationship?</div>
</div>
<br><br><br><br><br>
He has 3 grown children. As far as them being supportive, I'm sure they are not. I'm sure they are under the impression that their parent's divorce was cause by me. They don't understand that their parents were having problems way before my boyfriend ever met me.<br><br><br><br>
I have 1 child. He is 19 years old. He's jelous of his mom having someone else because I'm "MOM" he says, but he seems to be accepting. I don't think his children are influencing in decisions. I believe he may be influenced by his sister and cousins. (Just a hunch).

 

[reynolds]

<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Thalia</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
How often do you bring up the subject? Sometimes people need to know for sure they are making a decision because they want to and not because they felt pressured. There can be a fine line between letting someone know your desires and needs and pushing them away. I wish I knew where that line was!!<br><br><br><br>
But I wouldn't give up just yet.</div>
</div>
<br><br><br><br><br>
I've not really brought it up until recently. I figured, we not even engaged yet, not that he really cares for that because he says he is 63 years old and that isn't important to him. I guess I can understand that. But maybe if I don't mention it anymore, after our discussing this past weekend will be the best thing for now. The last thing I want to do is pressure him. He is normally very slow at doing things.<br><br><br><br>
I love him. I won't give up just yet.<br><br><br><br>
Thanks for the advice.

 

[reynolds]

<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Tesseract</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
If you both are committed to being with each other into the foreseeable future, what does it matter if you're married? A piece of paper and a ring are not the measure of genuine commitment or stability.</div>
</div>
<br><br><br><br><br>
You're right about a paper and ring not being the measure of genuine commitment and stability. I guess, I feel that beinging legally married is the right way to go.<br><br><br><br>
Maybe I'm just a romantic fool. You are correct.<br><br><br><br>
Thanks for the advice.

 

[Michael]

He's probably cheating on you.

 

[Dirty Martini]

I'm a bit concerned over the "I feel like something is missing" bit.<br><br><br><br>
Marriage probably won't fix that.<br><br><br><br>
Is there something missing? Communication? Intimacy? Closeness? Honesty? What is it that is missing? And, if marriage would fix that feeling, why? And is your reason good enough?<br><br><br><br>
Do you really feel like something is missing, or do you feel like OTHER PEOPLE disapprove of your current situation? Do you feel like others would give you their approval <i>if only you got married...</i> ?<br><br><br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Having two uncles that are ministers and always asking, "When are you going to get married?" embarrasses me.</div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
For god's sake, PLEASE do not marry someone just because people are asking you this. This is NOT a good reason to marry anyone!

 

[synergy]

<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Michael</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
He's probably cheating on you.</div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
*raises eyebrow*

 

[Susanne]

Hmmm. I suppose if his first marriage failed he might have negative feelings about getting into another marriage.

 

[raw jess]

I think it depends on what you're looking for. I agree with some other posters. What will change when you get married?<br><br>
I know quite a few people who've been married before and won't do it again.<br><br>
My dad and stepmom dated for, oh, i think it was 12 years before SHE proposed to him. I think I got my "Whatever" attitude about marriage from him. I just don't see it as a big deal.<br><br>
Now, if something is "missing," getting married won't solve that. Figure out what's "missing" and try to resolve that.<br><br><br><br>
Note: It's probably dumb to take any of my advice on marriage. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="">

 

[IamJen]

You've said that getting married isn't important to him, but it seems that it is important to you. You can "give him time" sure, but he might not change his mind...he may never want to get married. Now, that's okay, but you need to decide if you're okay with that possibility.

 

[Joe]

<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Tesseract</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
If you both are committed to being with each other into the foreseeable future, what does it matter if you're married?</div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
I guess you don't practice Divorce Law.

 

[Joe]

<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>reynolds</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br><br>
I love him. I won't give up just yet.<br></div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
I am curious as to the following:<br><br><br><br>
If you two were to split up now,<br><br>
(1) what would be your prospects in the dating/marriage market?<br><br>
(2) what would be his prospects in the dating/marriage market?<br><br>
(3) to the extent that his opinions or assessments of #s 1 and 2 might differ from yours, what do you think his views on 1 and 2 are?

 

[Tesseract]

<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Joe</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
I guess you don't practice Divorce Law.</div>
</div>
<br>
No, my dad does. I won't touch it with a 10-foot pole. He once told me a marriage license is just a contract to determine how stuff will be divided up when the couple splits. Between that and his 8 wives, he pretty much turned me off of marriage forever.