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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
One of the hardest things anyone can deal with is trust. once its been broken its hard to get back. How as a veggie do you deal with this issue. You have friends, family and strangers, all whom are omnis and don't understand why you eat the way you do. What happens when someone who has previously shown that they have a hard time grasping you're vegetarianism decides to make you something to eat. Do you eat it without question and just assume that since they know you are vegetarian that they will make it in a way that you can eat it? Do you question them and if they tell you it is then believe them? What happens when just before you go to eat it you find out it has something you can't eat?<br><br><br><br>
My situation: I was staying with my father and his wife for a week or so, they know what i will and won't eat. I haven't really explained why I'm vegan, but they know i am. We are going to a BBQ at my grandparents, my dad is going to make some bean thing. He is showing me how to make it, i'm chopping up some veggies will my dad is frying up some stuff, like garlic or something. Anyway, I see him pour something into the bowl, i come over to his side, he tells me not to worry that he is making it with water instead of chicken stock like it normally would. I say great, but what did you just pour in there, wasn't that chicken stock? He says yeah but it was an accident. I say thats fine but don't expect me to eat it. He starts to get upset that he was making it so i can eat it. I told him I don't eat chicken stock or anything else with animals in it. He says, but its just a little bit and its cooking off. I say, so, I'm still not eating it. Nuff said right? No, a little while later we are talking in his other kitchen, yes he has to kitchens in his house, and he tries to guilt me into eating his stupid bean thing. I tell him a bit of why i wont eat it, i tell him straight out that i have a moral issue with eating animals products and its disgusts me and makes me lose my appetite. He says ok, but still he doesn't get it. 5 Minutes later after having added some chillis to the pot he asks me to taste the broth to see if its too hot. All the while I'm being very polite about it, but had decided that i wasn't going to stay with him ever again, never eat anything he cooks again, and in general never talk to him again. I guess this may seem harsh, but my theory on life to to hang out with people who respect me and my choices as i respect them and their choices. IN the 29 years the he has been my father i had not critised him or made him feel guilty for any of his choices, not for any of his choices for 3 wives, or the divorces or his lack of paying child support ontime, or screwing over my mom on child support, nor never sending me presents on time or seeing his children every other weekend, and lets not mention the games he missed. Through all that i didn't care, he was my dad and i loved him unconditionally and i still do. But he couldn't show me this same respect, nor do i think it would be beneath him to slip some non-vegan items into my food, I simply can't trust him and because of his rude behavior I have lost a lot of the respect for him that i had. The thing is, its not my veganism that is the issue, i don't care if he understands or not, its his reaction and lack of respect for my choices that is the issue.
 

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I can understand where you're coming from. My dad hasn't said anything to me about it, but I know he doesn't get it. I thought my mom understood until she took me to a BBQ place and asked me if I could just not be a vegetarian for a night.<br><br><br><br>
I've only been a vegetarian for a year and I think they hope it's a phase I'll outgrow.<br><br><br><br>
I'm no shrink, but I think you're right about this episode being more about trust than being a vegetarian. Not sure where you can go from here. Maybe more experienced veggies can help.
 

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Sorry to hear about that, majake. Your dad sounds like an ass, but many asses are loveable. I wouldn't not speak to him again, but I doubt I would trust his cooking. He obviously doesn't get what is important to his own son and that is sad.
 

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I'm sorry that your dad isn't more accomodating -- I'm very lucky that the people in my life respect my veganism, even though they don't really understand it. They're pretty much conditioned to tell me the ingredients in what they've cooked (without me even having to ask).<br><br><br><br>
I totally agree that the issue is respect and trust, not veganism.<br><br><br><br>
But I don't know if it's worth cutting off all contact with your dad -- only you and people who know more about you and your family could really have a valid opinion on that.
 

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Hell, my dad's died-in-the-wool Republican and thinks I'm silly for being vegan, but I still talk to him. Just not as often...
 

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*hug*<br><br><br><br>
I do understand where you are coming from. My dad also recently did something to ruin any trust I had in him in the first place... it's been an interesting situation with him.<br><br><br><br>
But often times it is not the thing that a person does, it's their feelings behind it that are the problem. I'm really sorry that this has happened with your dad. Hopefully he will come around.
 

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Heck, can you imagine growing up with a professional hunting and fishing guide? I remember walking out into our yard and seeing 5 dead black bears, their paws and heads cut off (and laying there) and my dad working away on them. When he and my mother broke up and we would visit him, he would want us to watch his videos of his wild boar hunts or look through his photo albums....knowing how I felt. He disowned me finally at age 12 (never heard from him since)- when he asked, "are you still doing that ridiculous vegetarian ****?"-<br><br>
They are truly clueless....its amazing! Thank goodness my mother has always been incredibly supportive. To this day, she gets more upset at restaurants if they mess up my meal. She'll be like, "Don't you get it? She doesn't eat meat! Why would she want to pick it out of her dish?"...."the juice from the meat soaks into the other food!".....I have to calm her down....lol...its so sweet, though.<br><br><br><br>
MEN!
 

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sorry I can not relate. My folks are very supportive about my change. The only thing my dad ever mentions is.... dont forget protein. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block"><i>Originally posted by majake</i><br><br><b><br><br>
My situation: I was staying with my father and his wife for a week or so, they know what i will and won't eat. I haven't really explained why I'm vegan, but they know i am.</b></div>
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I think the key thing in there is that he just doesn't get it -- it's not that he's intentionally trying to be a jerk or anything, he just doesn't understand how important it is to you or why. Or at least that's what it sounds like from your post, especially since you said that you haven't explained <i>why</i> you're vegan. I doubt you would have to be so drastic that you wouldn't talk to him anymore -- though I don't know anything about your relationship with him other than what you've just posted. So don't eat his food, and move on.<br><br><br><br>
My dad always offers me whatever he's cooking when I come over -- but he's generally joking. Sometimes he honsestly forgets I'm not going to eat Scotch Broth with lamb (and who knows what else) in it. But sometimes he goes out of his way to make a veggie meal or side dish just on the off chance I might drop by (my visits are frequent but random). Of course, he's had eight years at this point to get used to the fact that I'm not going to cheat. And he sees me a <i>lot</i>, so I don't know if your father has had the same adjustment time (?).
 

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Just a different point of view for you to consider majake. It's interesting that I read your post, as it just happened that today my mother and I visited my father's grave. He passed away in 1988 and there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about him or something doesn't remind me of him. Now I know I have no conception of what your relationship has been with your father all along, and there seems to be other issues. I just might suggest to you that life is very short and sometimes we have to weigh the good against the bad in order to maintain relationships with people in our lives. I would not have eaten the bean thing either, had I known there was chicken broth in it, but is this issue worth ending your ties with your father? I had been a vegetarian for 11 years at the time of my father's death. I'm not sure he understood my total conviction, but he never questioned my choice. I am a vegan now and I know my family finds it a nuisance to try and accomodate me at family meals and holidays, but they know at this point that I am steadfast in my beliefs and they do respect that. I think that a lot of people just don't get "how important" the ethics behind a vegetarian's or vegan's beliefs are. How, for some people, it is within your heart, mind and soul not just a dietary choice, and perhaps some gentle education for your dad could save pain and regret for you both. I hope it all works out.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Im not ceasing contact with him as some sort of punishment nor am i doing it because im mad at him, i just don't feel the need to talk with him as i did before, i no longer enjoy it. Im sure i will talk with him in the future, but like it has been since that happened, will only be perfunctorily.<br><br><br><br>
I really don't care if he understands, he doesn't need to. He only needs to respect me and my choices, no one else in my family seems to have this problem.<br><br><br><br>
As far as him not understanding why im vegan i did explain i had a moral problem with eating animals and I asked him straight out if his parental need to provide me food should out weigh my morals, and he said that i should stick with my morals. I thought all was good, then 5 minutes later when he asked if i would try the broth to see if it was too hot and he wasn't kidding and even again proceeded to try and guilt me into eating it. So at that point i ceased being mad at him and just lost respect for him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
catka, like i said, its not about chicken stock, i dont care if anyone ever feeds me, im old enough to feed myself, but im also old enough to know when im not being shown the respect i deserve, and thats all i wanted.
 

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Eeer.. My dad is an ass about veganism. He just doesn't get it at ALL. He'll walk up to me while I'm cooking, look and my food strangely, and walk away.. So I do it to him. lol. Today, I was boiling some veggie dogs to put in vegan franks and beans. And he happened to be frying up some "normal" hot dogs to cook with egg (yech!). And he looks at mine all weird, so I looked at his even weirder.<br><br><br><br>
I'm lucky doesn't cook for me... However, he does ask me to cook for him, or the fam.. He doesn't realize that I don't want to touch pork, or chicken, beef, etc. Once I had to put pork in the crock put for him. I was being all immature and gagging, and I had plastic bags on my hands (lol). But it's gross enough like that! My dad (I think most dads fall into this category) is EXTREMELY DENSE. I don't really get along with him normally (because of the respect thing as well), then to add veganism on top of it is not fun.<br><br><br><br>
I'm sorry that happened. I know how you feel. It's hard for me to even respect my Dad to begin with (other issues). And him not being able to respect me makes it harder on me... I wish I could just move out but it's not that easy. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/sad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":("><br><br><br><br>
I love him, I just can't respect him.
 

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sorry majake, I didn't mean to preach or sound like I would ever know what you are going through, as I haven't had that experience. I was just missing my dad. On the flip side of the coin, I wonder what my feelings would be if my son(s) decided they wanted to hunt. I definitely would still love them, but I'm pretty sure I would have a tough time respecting their decision. Thank goodness I doubt that will ever happen.
 

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Fortunately my relatives (for the most part) are really understanding. Theyve actually stopped eating some things after they started reading the ingredients lists. Every so often something slips by them, but I always read it, and they instinctively give it to me beforehand so I can. My stuff is always in its own pan, and has its own utensils.<br><br><br><br>
However, one relative, knowing that I was vegetarian because of allergies, took a perfectly good veggie burger and went to put it on a grill. My mother made her wrap the grill in foil so it wouldnt touch. But she still didnt get the hint and went to flip it with the same utensil as she was using for meat, my mother once again stopped her. As soon as my mother turned her back, she intentionally put the meat on top of it, and then separated them. I didnt see her do it, but blood dripping off of veggies kind of gave it away (since she kept it on the foil, it was really obvious). Not to mention the awful stench.<br><br><br><br>
Same types of things happen with some friends, theyd try to put meat, or cut/stir my food with meat tainted utensils thinking it was funny, so I had to stop ever eating around them; and if I did, carry my food with me at all times so they couldnt get a hold of it.<br><br><br><br>
For me its different, putting certain types of meat in something and I can have a reaction like if it were shellfish to some people; regardless, its a shame people cant respect others choices.<br><br><br><br>
Some people I cant trust to fix me anything, others I wouldnt even have to ask whats in it. Of course its probably that way with all veg*ns. Of course those that dont respect my eating habits I dont talk to, not completely because of the vegetarian thing, but theres other issues mainly they have little respect for me as it is for anything, the food thing is just one part of the puzzle so to speak.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block"><i>Originally posted by majake</i><br><br><b>All the while I'm being very polite about it, but had decided that i wasn't going to stay with him ever again, never eat anything he cooks again, and in general never talk to him again.</b></div>
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That's harsh.<br><br><br><br>
But at the very least, if that's how you feel, then you should tell him what you're telling us: Say, "Dad, I'm never going to stay with you ever again, nor eat anything you cook again, and will basically never talk to you again."<br><br><br><br>
If he asks why then tell him, so he knows. "You almost tricked me into eating meat and thus I don't feel that you respect my choices."<br><br><br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":rolleyes:">
 

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Hi majake!<br><br><br><br>
I've been reading everyone's posts and I must agree with most of the people. To just cut your father off is only going to hurt you in the long run. No one's relationship with their parents is perfect, by any means. I know my own children think I have lost my mind on half of the things I do - but they love me and respect my decisions. I just sort of get the feeling that this whole thing was some sort of "test" to see if your dad passed or not. Like you may have been looking for him to make up for all the past mistakes he has made. This doesn't seem to be about "chicken broth", it's more about how he really feels about you and the relationship the two of you have. Now - I am by no way, shape or form a psychologist - however......I have raised 4 children and I have the hardest time with my daughter. But - she seems to put me through these "tests" from time to time. No parent is perfect and no one gave birth to a set of instructions. You did what you could do and you did it the best you could.<br><br><br><br>
As for him continuing to not show you respect for your decisions on veganism - you are right. He did not show you the respect you deserved. And you have every right in the world to be mad. But - if you are not going to have contact with him - or at least minimal contact with him; make sure you let him know the REAL reason behind your decision. It will make YOU feel better and let him understand you, the person/adult; not you the 12 year old he still sees.<br><br><br><br>
I hope you can understand what I am trying to say. I lost my father 2 years ago and I miss him every day! He would think I have gone crazy not eating animal products; but he loves me and would respect what decisions I made. He would never understand it and would probably slip and try to feed me meat or meat products - but that would not mean he didn't love me.<br><br><br><br>
Dad's are human guys. They make mistakes. Holding on to a grudge only hurts the person who holds it - not the person it's against.<br><br><br><br>
Hope I didn't get anyone too mad at me.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block"><i>Originally posted by JLRodgers</i><br><br><b>As soon as my mother turned her back, she intentionally put the meat on top of it, and then separated them. I didnt see her do it, but blood dripping off of veggies kind of gave it away</b></div>
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Wow, that's unbelievably mean -- and kinda psycho!
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block"><i>Originally posted by aksjg</i><br><br><b>MEN!</b></div>
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Hey. I take exception to that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I had told him what i felt the same day i went to stay with my brother and he is aware that i won't be staying with him again. But please understand this isnt a grudge, im not mad at him, im just disappointed that he doesnt respect me or my ability to make my own choices, i don't hang out with people like that. I don't see a point in it.
 
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