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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm having some issues with my mother right now. She is demanding that I tell my other relatives about my pregnancy (probably mostly because she's dying to talk to them about it) - but she's gotten to the point of being so rude and mean as to make me cry :-( I know she's excited, but she's being REALLY mean, and telling me I'm being unreasonable and difficult - and well, making me feel bad in a way only a mother can do to a child I guess!

I am only two months along and I'd really feel better waiting to tell them after I make it out of the first trimester. My mother tells me that this is not all about me, its also about the family, but I do not agree! I do think this is about me. It might sound weird, but I know I am a very unselfish person. I never ask anything of anyone, and I am always very generous with everyone I love (perhaps too much....) I ask for so little, and all I really want is to be able to do this my way, when I feel comfortable. I have told a few of my friends, so I have some support, and we have told my parents, and our siblings. But that's it (well, and VBers, but this place is fairly anonymous). We don't want anyone else knowing until everything is ok, because I know I will have a hard time dealing if a lot of people are pouring sympathy at me if something were to go wrong. I am very introverted and need privacy.

I also know that my relatives will start with the "are you eating meat again now?" and other awful questions as soon as they know. The thought of them knowing yet turns my stomach in knots. But she wont leave me alone about it! I tried asking her to stop asking me becuase it was upsetting me, and she told me I am being selfish! Do you think I am? :-( thanks for listening I just needed to vent.
 

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Holy moly you are not being selfish in the least. It's perfectly reasonable and common for couples to wait until the end of the first trimester before telling "the world" that they're pregnant.

What is your relationship with your mother like typically? That would make a difference for me how I would respond. You might try acknowledging her feelings of excitement and impatience and then firmly reiterate that you want to wait until x time...are you afraid that she is going to tell people on her own? If not, I suggest you attempt, as best you can, to ignore her berating and get on with your own things. Don't give her that much power. I know, easier said than done...good luck.
 

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I don't have any advice specific to the situation, but I just want you to know that I think it's completly reasonable to keep it a secret until the end of the first trimester. Actually, I think that's the prudent thing to do. If your mom doesn't like it, too bad. It's your life, and your decision. It's only another month or so anyway.

Congrats BTW!
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thank you for responding. My relationship with her is usually pretty good, but she has been going through a mid-life crisis sort of "selfish" phase where everything is about her, for the last few years. We talk often, we live about an hour away from each other, but she rarely comes to visit me (I usually have to go visit her... she hates to drive.)

I guess its not an atypical mother-daughter relationship. I've been calling her a lot lately, and giving her a lot of attention and time, but this came as a shocker. Or maybe not a shocker, but a "last-straw" sort of thing. I guess I'm sick of being the one always doing everything for others, and comforting others, and being there for others - and now I need a little TLC and there is no one.... and not only that, I get this type of meanness from my own mother

:-(

My friends are nice but a little jealous that I am pregnant, becuase they want to have kids too but aren't ready yet financially/school/etc. So I don't get a lot of support from them either :-(

I guess I'm having a bad day :-(
 

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From what I hear, it's really common to wait until after the first trimester because of the risk of something going wrong. So it's totally reasonable. And even if it weren't, it's what you want to do, and you're the pregnant one. So I completely support you.

And happy wishes for you and your pregnancy.
 

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As far as the questions about eating meat.You dont have to explain your diet to them. It's your body and your baby! Good luck with everything.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
:-( :-( :-(

I've been having some pain, so my doctor is having me come in for a sonogram tomorrow to check it out, to see if its a cyst, or something worse.... I'm sooooo early still, will the sonogram this early hurt my baby???? :-( :-( :-( Please someone reassure me......
 

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You can tell people whenever you feel like. My husband said that if we ever accidently got pregnant he wouldn't want to tell people until it was born and then bring in a baby!
He is a little nuts though and has a lot of social anxiety. That kind of attention from people really freaks him out.

I think you should tell people when you're good and ready.

I have no experience with this but I wouldn't worry about the sonogram. I'm sure it is something they do a lot and wouldn't suggest it unless it was needed and okay to do. I know that is very trusting but pregnancy is no new thing and they should be able to know by now if it is harmful or not.

Good luck!
 

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i agree with your assertion of wanting to wait to tell others.

my dear friend had a similar situation. she told immediate family and asked them not to tell others. her FIL went ahead and told other family members. Then, she miscarried shortly after. She told immediate family, FIL did not pass on this information to other family members. Months later, people whom she marginally knew would say "oh, did you leave the baby at home tonite?" and so on--when she'd miscarried months prior and the wound of it was still very raw for her.

when she got pregnant again, she told her mother, her MIL, and me. when she miscarried two weeks later, she told us and we were able to support her. it's completely reasonable to keep things under wraps until you feel comfortable--even if you don't suspect miscarriage.

Tell your mother you do not think that this is about the family, but rather that this is about you and your baby. Assert that if she isn't supportive of your choices, you will have to increase emotional distance from her for the safety of the baby growing within who is affected by your hormonal and emotional fluctuations. You're the mother now; you get to make these decisions.

As to medical issues, you can always ask the doctor if you have other options or what the risks of the sonogram are (and yes, sonograms, dopplers, and ultrasounds can cause harm to babies--there are risks in using them during pregnancy--but if those risks outweigh the benefits for you, then it's worth utilizing that technology)--and also ask if you could get a second opinion before setting the appointment for the sonogram.

And ultimately, what do you intuitively feel that the pain is?

Remember, to have a baby, you don't necessarily need doctors, hospitals or any attendants at all. You have options: midwives in hospital, midwives in birthing centers, midwives at home, and unassisted birth at home (yes, even with your first!). You know your body and your needs better than anyone else. If your intuition is telling you something about this pain, or telling you that it's nothing, or anything in between--listen to that first.

And we're here for ya. So if you want to mush-mush about being pregnant and get support, dont' hesitate to ask!
 

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aimra:

i'm like your DH (though i don't really have social anxiety per se). I would like to just have the baby, unassisted, and then have people show up at the holidays and go "here's the baby!"

but, i don't think i'm going to get away with that. at this point we're thinking about not telling anyone until 6 or so months along and not giving them an estimated due date. Our hope is to retreat for the birth and the first 4-6 weeks after the birth to bond as a family, and then invite family and firends to come for the baby welcoming ceremony at that time. During that 4-6 weeks, we'll likely have a cleaning person help out and utilize a post-partum doula for the first week or so.

that's what we dream about anyway.
 

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Yeah, I think it is such a stigma that comes with being pregnant. People think they have to tell EVERYONE they know or come in contact with. I mean that is all fine if that is what you want (or think you want to do). It seems like people think you are weird or not happy about it if you don't shout it from the roof tops. And then people give you grief about it like veggielove's mom. When people start giving you crap about stuff like that they are just making it about them and are disregarding your feelings and plans entirely.

I hope your mom changes her mind Veggielove.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
wanted to let you all know i saw the doctor today - everything looks fine! I have a cyst on my ovary but she said that its very normal and will go away on its own, and the baby is great and i saw the little heart beating!! So awesome :)

My mother finally has stopped bugging me too, when I told her I was going for an u/s she realized, I think, that its still too early. Thanks for letting me vent!!!
 

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VL, that's great about the sonogram. Isn't astounding to see that little flutter on the screen? In terms of support, have you thought about taking a pre-natal yoga class? It's a good way to meet other pregnant women. Or maybe some sort of birthing class? I know it's early and all for this...anyhow, lots of luck, and I'm glad your mom has piped down.
 

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My mom had a cyst with her second pregnancy and since my sister turned out to be an emergency cesarian, they cut the cyst out during the surgery. But yes, they can disappear by themselves, too.

Being high risk when I was expecting (placenta previa) I had lots of ultrasounds and no problem with baby. Well, not because of any ultrasounds, anyway. The reason why you US people get so few u/s is because the insurance won't cover for more, that's all.

I'm glad your peanut is OK. It's great to see, isn't it ? I think your mum is being very selfish. It's your baby, your pregnancy, and you call the shots. Geez. A little respect isn't too much to ask for, is it ? I miscarried once at 10 weeks so I am all for keeping quiet for at least 3 months... Luckily I come from a vegetarian family so my lifestyle was never an issue !

Keep us posted about the pregnancy, will you ?
 

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My mom had a cyst with her second pregnancy and since my sister turned out to be an emergency cesarian, they cut the cyst out during the surgery. But yes, they can disappear by themselves, too.

Being high risk when I was expecting (plaI had lots of ultrasounds and no problem with baby. Well, not because of any ultrasounds, anyway. The reason why you US people get so few u/s is because the insurance won't cover for more, that's all.

I'm glad your peanut is OK. It's great to see, isn't it ? I think your mum is being very selfish. It's your baby, your pregnancy, and you call the shots. Geez. A little respect isn't too much to ask for, is it ? I miscarried once at 10 weeks so I am all for keeping quiet for at least 3 months... Luckily I come from a vegetarian family so my lifestyle was never an issue !

Keep us posted about the pregnancy, will you ?
 

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U/S do have real dangers for babies, though the reason that people in the US do not get many (more than 3 on average during a healthy pregnancy) is because of insurance reasons.

for me, those risks are reason enough to avoid them. one can palpate to determine placental placement in the uterus, and often previa adjusts itself during the growth of the uterus during pregnancy. if not, then a c-section is the appropriate process--but many women can avoid this if they observe (U/S or palpation) if the placenta has moved due to uterine growth.

VL:

i'm glad that your sonogram went well.
i'm glad that your mom is chillin too.
 

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i'm so glad everythings okay!

My mother really made me angry about stuff like that too! we'd just bought a house together, and I moved out within a month. I was about as far along a you are and the realtor know about it- YUCK.

I personally didn't tell people who's buisness I didn't think it was until ~ 23 weeks when I started showing (including coworkers)... now there did come a point in time I had to say something and the funniest reponse I got was..." I thought I noticed something but didn't want to say anything since we just got back from the holidays"

Wishing you a healthy and wonderful remainder of your pregnancy!
 

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As a sidenote, Zoebird, I would like to add that palpation and internal exams are a no-no with placenta previa, since they can cause bleeding (which is the primary risk of previa anyway). I agree there are probably risks to U/S but in some cases, the U/S can be lifesavers. My placenta previa did not move up at all, it stayed up front and over the cervix. It is good that they saw this and it is good that I was (since they could see exactly where the placenta was situated) put on bedrest at appropriate moments. My mom had severe bleeding before having an emergency c/section at 34 or 35 weeks with my sister and it was rather traumatic, whereas I was able to carry my baby up to 37 weeks without any bleeding at all. So I feel differently about ultrasounds.

Veggielove, I do hope you are still doing well and that your mom has left you in peace !
 
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