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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Shouldn't have posted this in the first place. I'm going to deal with this in a more direct manner. Thank you to those who have been supportive. I know what I need to do, and I'll be doing so.
 

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He has anger issues.

I'm scared for your dog.

I'm scared for you.

He really needs counseling. If he won't go, you should consider dumping him. I know thinking about that is painful, but he is a danger to your puppy and to you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Luckily its December now, so I see him less often because of exams and holiday stuff - he wants me to spend Christmas with him and his family, but I think I'm going to bow out of it, for my sake, and so that I can make sure that my puppy is safe. If this behaviour with the puppy hadn't started so recently, if he had of behaved like this when we first started dating, I would have dropped him immediately. I think through the course of a longer term relationship, I've come to try to fix things that instead of fixing, I should be handing off to professionals. He's been offered counselling by the university, so hopefully he'll take that up.

I just don't know how to keep him away from the dog, aside from only letting him be near the dog when I'm taking him for a walk, and not letting him come over, but only spending time outside my place - but I worry because he has a key to my apartment, and drops by without telling me all the time. He even decides to sleep over without asking me now.

I know that the safety of my puppy and myself is the most important thing, I guess I've been having a very hard time coming to grips with the reality.

Thanks for your opinion, and I'm going to continue to push counselling. He has a doctor's appointment tomorrow, and he has to get counselling set up through the doctor on campus, so hopefully I'll be able to get him to set that up. I worry though, because he has an excuse for everything.
 

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I agree that if he doesn't get major counseling-dump him. Actually, if IMO-I'd dump him ASAP!!! He's definitly a danger to you and your doggie, I say get out before it gets even worse, which by the sounds of it is likely to happen. The negatives outweigh the positives... and the positives don't even sound like they're positive because of him, but rather being w/someone in general. He sounds like an a** and you don't deserve that.
 

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Wow - I know you're just writing the bad stuff, but there's an awful lot of it, and he really doesn't seem like a very nice person at all. He also seems very controlling. The cruelty toward your puppy is unacceptable.

I'm sorry - but you deserve a whole lot better, and so does your pup.
 

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Originally Posted by Skyla View Post

I know that the safety of my puppy and myself is the most important thing, I guess I've been having a very hard time coming to grips with the reality.
You are totally correct, your safety and that of your puppy should be your #1 concern. You are also correct in saying that no animal should be treated in the manner which you described.

If you think it's worth it, then do the counseling. I think a separation might be a good idea too, provided you aren't going to just end the relationship.

I would think that the arguing is probably symptomatic of some larger problem, which the counseling might help bring to the surface.

Best wishes to you!
 

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Oh dear, please leave him. I know first hand what can happen to you if you don't get out of this abusive relationship soon.

Don't worry about being alone - it's better to be alone until you find someone who truly loves you and cares for you instead of staying with someone who doesn't.

You are right that no animal deserves to be treated like your puppy does - and neither do you! You deserve the best just as your companion animal does. Please find safety for you and your puppy.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. If you ever need to talk to someone who has personal experiences with this, please let me know, as I have someone very close to me who would be willing to talk with you.

 

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Dump the abusive sunovabeeech. ASAP

Abusive to your puppy, not allowing you a choice in your job, not allowing you a say in your life, yelling at you for things you didn't do at all, demaning sex when you can't (because of your health) and even indifference towards your cycles of depression... sounds like all the makings for a domestic abuser if there ever was.

And how he treats that puppy is a clear sign of how he treats and WILL treat you. Believe me when I say it won't get better with age, but it will get a hell of a lot worse.


I don't know that counseling will work but if he continues to balk at the idea, RUN LIKE THE WIND AWAY FROM HIM! DON'T BE ANOTHER DOMESTIC ABUSE STATISTIC!!
 

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Maybe it's the pessimist in me, but I just don't see councelling doing much for that kind of case in the long run. It might change him temporarily but then after some time, one day he might snap again, and then you would have to dump him anyway - the only difference would be that you would have become even more attached to him and you would have suffered from the relationship longer. He doesn't sound like someone who has some problems he is struggling with - he sounds like an indifferent *******, if I may say so.

So I'd say get rid of him as soon as possible and make sure he doesn't do anything to the dog.
 
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from what you've said, he does seem to have a lot of anger and control issues that need dealing with, (as well as some stuff around respect and personal boundaries, and thats for a start!) and which make it unhealthy (both mentally and physically) for you to be in a relationship with him, at least until he does resolve them fully.

when he has got help, and when he's worked through stuff and maintained what he's learned for at least 6 months (or long enough for you to feel really safe), you can always re-assess the situation, and get back together, if you both want to, but i'd definatly advise against being with anyone unless you feel safe, like you can trust them, that you are respected, treated kindly, and that you are an equal partner in your relationship.

two things that come into my head: that you need to put yourself first, and i know how hard that can be- but you are responsible for your own wellbeing (and that of your pup) before anyone elses. right now, you're at risk of harm, and thats got to come first. also, that you need to come to understand that you can't change or fix his problems or behaviours (it seems you've realised this, which is really positive) so please don't continue to enable him to behave in an inappropriate way with you, its not fair on either of you, for you to reinforce this behaviour as being acceptable by taking it.

it'll be scary branching out on your own, but i think it'd be scarier to find yourself in a horrendous relationship with this guy, with no confidence, possibly unwell, possibly with a kid, and with what feels like no way out, a few years down the line. there are lots of sources of support available to you, if you need help moving on from this relationship, so make use of them! look online for charities offering support to women leaving abusive relationships in your area, and don't feel that because he doesn't beat you, you don't apply as an abused partner- you do.

if you need to, get help to move, arrange to get the locks changed, and/or consider letting the local police know the situation (that you're leaving an abusive partner and that you'd like it on record for your safety) so that they have you in their files, and so that if you call on them for support should he do anything stupid (eg: end up banging on the door at 3am drunk) they'll be right there and know the background, and back you up without your having to expalin everything on the doorstep when you're upset.

just to help with a couple of your fears, i'm gonna try and spin some stuff round here:

Being alone (I have a couple friends in my city but not many as this isn't where I'm from take this as an opportunity to get out there and make new friends, and join groups (take up a hobby/do some charity work!), and build a social circle. if all else fails and you hate living alone in the city, you can always go home/somewhere safer/more familiar for a while, and give living alone another shot when you feel stronger too- its not a failure to do this, its self preservation to choose to be somewhere you feel safe.

Getting sick and having no one that will be there for me see above- you can do this! an abusive partner might not be much use if you're sick, maybe more of a burden, even... if he can't walk a puppy when you're ill now without having a meltdown, he probably won't handle caring for you in a more substantial way well either, and'll last 5 minutes in a crisis before he's moaning, having a temper tantrum, or looking for the door.(sorry to be blunt!)

Having opened up quite a lot to a person and having it be for nothing nothing is ever for nothing... i bet you've learned and experienced and grown a lot as a person while you've been with this guy (good and bad) but that doesn't mean you have to continue to be with him to continue to learn and grow.

Seeing a lot of good attributes in him (that I haven't mentioned, because I'm looking for help to deal with the bad, but can and will mention the good if anyone wants to know) if he gets help, that good'll still be there, and he'll be healthy to be with as a partner, if you both still want to give it another shot. but right now, the good doesn't outweigh the bad, and it sounds like your relationship is not a healthy place to be for either of you currently.

He is the first person I've been with that I've started to work on my sexual triggers with, which requires quite a bit of trust. you've learned to trust someone with your personal stuff, thats great! i know that when its time, you'll also find that trust and intimacy with someone who doesn't treat you with such disrespect, or if you choose to rebuild a relationship with your current partner down the line, that you'll be able to rekindle it.

good luck, whatever you choose to do- and please don't go it alone, keep seeking out help, and taking it, as long as you need it!
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue Plastic Straw View Post

Forget counseling for him. You need to get counseling for yourself to deal with the issues that are causing you to stay in an abusive relationship.
Agreed.

This guy needed to be dumped a long time ago.

And there's probably some reason why you haven't done so. Figure out why before you enter a new relationship.
 

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Being yelled at for hours, not having much of a say in your future and the behavior toward the puppy are BIG red flags to me. I would be very concerned about the type of life I and (eventually) children would have with this person.
 

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Originally Posted by Blue Plastic Straw View Post

Forget counseling for him. You need to get counseling for yourself to deal with the issues that are causing you to stay in an abusive relationship.
ITA.

Don't think the relationship was a waste. You learned that you can open up to another person, so you can have faith that you can do so again with someone better.

You deserve much, much better. I think you know what you need to do. I don't think it will be easy, but I think you will thank yourself later.
 

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Oh dear, I wish I'd seen this earlier. He's being abusive to you already. Please for your own well-being and the well-being of your doggy, leave him asap.

The reality is that it will only get worse. If you ever move in with him, get married or have a child with him, then he will only try to control you more. And he will use what ever he can to guilt you and manipulate you into doing what he wants. What will happen once his yelling turns into shoving and into slapping and into full on beating? Or what will happen once his sexual pressures become forcing you? I've been down that road myself and it's hard to get out once the physical/sexual abuse starts in.

My advice is to leave him asap and get yourself into counseling. I know the idea of being 'alone' is scary. I have the same fears. But living in the everyday fear of this man is worse. Once you start working or yourself and learning to care for yourself better, then finding a healthy relationship with come much easier to you. Please don't stay with him out of loneliness. It doesn't matter what his positive traits are. He is abusing you NOW. Don't wait until it gets worse.

And you have all of us here at vb to talk to if you need a shoulder.
 

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Just wanted to say, I agree w/changing the locks... if you leave him (please do *crosses fingers*) be sure to be prepaired beforehand... change the locks, inform your friends and neighbors (neighbors don't need all the details, just enough info to know if/when they need to call the cops) that you're leaving him so they can be aware to call the police if anything seems suspicious, not to mention they can support you etc... seems like there's quite a few ppl on here who have been through abusive relationships so you won't be alone. I agree w/that you need counseling, too. Definitly keep up informed on what happens...I wish you the best.
 
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i know i've already jabbered on a bit here, but to add to the above... i'd definately suggest finding a local abused womens shelter/charity/support group and utilising their resources.

many will help you with all of the preparation stuff, and help you develop strategies to deal with his behaviour before and after you break up, they'll help you plan how you'll manage things that are worrying you (from being alone to changing locks etc) and be on hand for you to call in moments of worry before and after you seperate, as well as being available to help you with all the confidence stuff.

many places will offer you councelling, before, during and after the breakup, and will be indispensible when you're making a fresh start too in loads of ways. its definately worth looking a few local places up online and ringing around to see what help you can get, you'll be suprised!
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Skyla View Post

Behaviour towards my puppy:
  • He yells at me when I'm too sick to take my puppy for a walk one day, making me feel worse than I already did about it, and how when he takes the dog for walks, he doesn't abide by the bylaws of the city
  • On another and probably more upsetting matter *graphic* - as my puppy is a little guy - about 8lbs and he's about fully grown, he has a weak bladder and sometimes when he gets nervous, scared or too excited he pees a little bit, my boyfriend loses it. He has been known to hit the puppy, to pick him up by the scruff of the neck and throw him, to put his face in the pee, and yell at him until my puppy is shaking, and I'm literally screaming at my boyfriend to leave him alone and trying to step in and stop the situation, all the while being afraid myself. I'm afraid to have him near the dog; no animal should be treated like that.


If you let him near this dog again, you're an active party to the abuse. You know damn well you won't be able to do anything when he picks up the dog to hit and throw him again, because he's mad at you or the dog. That this has happened more than once (i.e. "he has been known to hit the puppy...") is shameful. I really wonder how you find someone who hits animals sexy. I'm sorry that you're having a hard time, but if you are willing to subject your animal to another second of this, you don't deserve the animal. Change your locks to proect your dog.
 
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