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385 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Dear God:

Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

1. I will not eat the cat's food before they eat it or after they have thrown it up!

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs etc, just because I like the way they smell.

3. The litter box is not a cookie jar.

4. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

5. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he is on the toilet.

6. Sticking my nose in someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "Hello".

7. I must shake the rainwater out of my fir before entering the house.

8. I must not drag my butt on the carpet.

9. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.

10.The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it is usually not a good thing.

p.s. Dear God:

When I get to heaven may I have my testicles back?

Hugzzzzzzzzzzz to all the pets out there!

15,684 Posts
How sweet!

I'd add, "I will not assume all people in uniform are evil" and "I will remember my family sometimes wrestles and tickles each other, and I will not panic."

Plus, like always, "I will not get so excited that a new person is petting me that I pee all over the floor."

385 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
OK everybody, this joke still cracks me up, but, doesn't anyone else have any other jokes they would care to share. I think we all could use a good laugh now and then. Sooooooooo bring 'em on.........

Even my dogs are getting bored with my jokes. LOL

Hugzzzzzzzzzzz to all pets.

15,684 Posts
DLS, I did, in post #6.

How about:

--I will be most affectionate when I am not shedding (as much).

--When I'm on a walk with Mommy and Daddy, I will not pull them over by charging after rabbits.

--I will perfect my "rug dance" that Mommy wants me to do so I don't track mud inside the house in the spring.

--I will not hate the vet, even though I hate the way s/he pokes me and sticks things into me.

--I will try not to be jealous when my family comes home smelling like another dog.

385 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Thanks skylark, those were great add ons to the original joke {and all sooooooo true too!}, but I need NEW jokes, ones my dogs haven't heard yet. LOL

15,684 Posts
Ohhhh I hadn't realized you were looking for something completely new. I don't have any completely off the top of my head, but if you do an online search for dog jokes, I'm sure you'll find plenty.

385 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Yes I could search for new ones I guess, but skylark I love the ones off the top of the brain, you know the ones that are so cute you can't help but remember them. So any time one comes up to the top of the noggin, share it with me OK

15,684 Posts
From, on why a woman is better off living with a dog than a man: (my apologies to the good men on VB)

A dog is better protection from intruders.

Dogs enjoy ball games. But they don't spend six hours on the phone trying o get tickets for France 98.

Dogs greet each other by sniffing bottoms. Men are far less polite.

Puppy love doesn't wear off so quickly with a dog.

You can be prosecuted for neglecting a dog.

Dogs can find their way back home - even after a really heavy night out.

Dogs can be trained not to lie on the bed. Men always lie in bed.

A dog can moult without becoming obsessed about premature baldness.

Dogs can be taught the meaning of the word "NO!"

A dog is far less irritation to have in the back seat of a car...

...and will be less likely to show its rear end to the people in the vehicle behind for a laugh.

Elizabeth Hurley has a faithful dog whom she loves dearly.

If a dog says sausages, that's clever. If a man says sausages, that's just greedy.

Dogs will wait patiently outside clothes shops...

...and not criticize your purchases afterwards.

A dog will fetch the morning paper for you.

A dog will trot faithfully round at your heel.

Dogs don't break wind in public and blame it on the man.

In the canine world, boxers are quite intelligent.

If a dog gets ill, it won't take eighteen Panadols in order to avoid having to go to the vet.

You can also ask the vet to perform the snip, even if the dog objects.

Small, ginger-haired dogs can be quite appealing. As for men? Two words. Robin Cook.

You can find a nice dog by advertising on a card in a shop window, or in the classified section of the local paper.

A woman can live with more than one dog, without rumours starting.

When dogs beg, it's cute. When men beg it's pathetic.

Dogs sometimes dig the garden.

A dog can go out fox-hunting without being incredibly stuck up and pompous.

Dogs don't necessarily prefer blondes.

Dogs won't get embarrassed if you call them by a pet name when their friends are around.

Dogs travel more cheaply on the bus.

Dogs whine less.

Some dogs can be quite talented at singing.

Men lost the World Cup. A dog found it.

Dogs are less reliant on tinned food...

...but after a few cans, a dog will still be able to stand up.

And there are some things even a dog won't eat - like the remains of a three-day-old King Prawn vindaloo that they found on the floor behind the sofa.

You can leave a dog alone in your house without worrying so much about what it'll break.

A dog gets a new coat every winter.

Dogs are not so careless about leaving puddles on the bathroom floor.

A dog is less likely to leave a filthy, stinking mess for you to clear up.

For a dog, a wet nose is a sign of GOOD health.

Men are even less useful for testing cosmetics on.

Dogs don't wolf-whistle.

There are still thousands of totally undomesticated dogs in Australia; but far more undomesticated men.

Your dog will never refer to you as 'a *****'.

In disaster films, the dog is always far more likely to have a miraculous escape.

Dogs do not waste money betting on the dogs.

You can stop dogs getting too randy by throwing a bucket or water over them.

All the best clips on 'You've Been Framed' are the ones with dogs in.

If a dog starts worrying sheep, that's just its natural predatory instinct.

If a MAN starts worrying sheep, however...

A 'King Charles' is much more likely to be a big, floppy-eared dog than a big floppy-eared man.

You can also call a dog schitzu without offending it.

"Working like a dog" is strenuous. Working like a man is, er - not.

You can fondle your dog in the park without being arrested.

A dog will encourage you to lose weight by taking more exercise. A man will just remark on how big your bum looks.

Dogs do not attack other dogs for being a different colour.

Having a dog around the place can actually ease stress.

You'd feel guilty about turning a dog out on the street.

A dog can take a barrel of brandy to a lost mountaineer without drinking ANY.

There aren't so many good reasons to keep a dog muzzled in public.

You can buy a dog's affection with a squeaky toy.

A dog will be eager to walk, rather than getting a taxi.

Most dogs are really good with children.

Dogs have a highly-developed sense of smell. Men, on the other hand, can quite happily wear the same pair of pants for a fortnight.

A dog is more useful for tracking down criminals.

Who did YOU miss most from Blue Peter - John Noakes or Shep?

A dog might actually take a bath of its own accord.

There's more chance of your dog being able to operate the video recorder.

You can buy a choke-chain for a dog.

A 16-year-old dog is very mature.

A dog is easier to keep well-groomed.

Dogs have more chance of receiving an award for bravery.

Dogs are easier to house-train.

Dog do not scratch themselves so much in polite company.

A dog can look as though it understands what you're saying.

Dogs went into space first.

A man will roll over and play dead only if you ask him to get up and make coffee.

Dogs enjoy swimming, and not for the chance to ogle girls in bikinis.

Being a dog's mistress is no reason to feel ashamed.

You can keep your dog tied up if it starts misbehaving.

Saggy skin and a hang-dog look aren't half as appealing on a man.

You can train a dog in obedience.

A dog in a studded collar isn't kinky.

Few men would answer to 'Lassie'.

A dog is a pack animal. A man is a six-pack animal.

Dogs spend the day sniffing drugs only if they're with the police.

Dogs aren't obsessed with 'doing it man-fashion'.

A dog is a faithful companion.

A dog is for life.

385 Posts
Discussion Starter · #17 ·
WOWWWWWWWWWW thank you skylark. My dogs are still reading that one, but they are starting to chuckle. LOL

108 Posts
oh I love this! so true of my dog! my poor cats are definitely treated like squeeky toys and I am always running interference.

thanks for the laugh!

385 Posts
Discussion Starter · #19 ·
To God, from DLS

When my time comes and I go to heaven I want you to send me back as a dog, but I would like you, at the same time, to send my dogs back as my human companions.

Becuase I want to get them back for:

1. chewing up my blanket off the couch {which by the way, we share the couch, you mutts DO NOT own it}

2. destroying my new shrubery, it was a really nice purple flowering one that I dug up from a friends place, hauled all the way up here, planted in a really nicely dug over hole, the ground was as hard as a rock, it took me over 4 hours of back breaking work to get that hole ready for that shrub. 2 days later, yes after only 2 days, one of you dogs {i am still not quite sure which one it was, they are not talkin'} ripped it out and tore it to shreds.

I was going to add a bunch more {cause I have a very, very, very long list of things that I would like to get back at them for} but I think I will just come back here once in awhile and add another one.

God, it's DLS again. I was not going to mention names, but I know you are going to have a hard time telling a couple of red dogs apart. So to bring you upto date....... 1. Stormy and Pearl 2. Still not positive but I think it was O.B., she always had a dislike of my shruberies. And I will have more to say about O.B. later.

3.All the shoes that have vanished, been buried, chewed up, used for tug-of-war, etc. Hey Casper, do you remember YOUR shoe incident? I am sure you do. I will get you back Girl.

Hugzzzzzzzzzzzzz to all pets

385 Posts
Discussion Starter · #20 ·
4. Spencer, Carrie told me to include you in this as well. You were her dog, but since I bred you, she says that what you did is my fault too.Spencer, Do you remember the PILLOW thing? You know the down pillow you tore to shreds, down everwhere. Do not try to deny it either, Carrie sent me a picture of the mess, you even posed proudly amongst the carnage.

You have been gone for many years now Spencer, we all miss your smilin' face, and you will never be forgotten, cause Carrie never stops givin' me heck for all the crazy things you did. Like it was all my fault or something!

Hugzzzzzzzzzzz to all animals!

ps. oops, I forgot to add it to the above post. oh well 1.-3. are above. LOL
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