[BethanY]

...that is my question.

i have never had an overwhelming desire to be a mother. at times, when around friend's babies and such, i do get "baby fever" but the reality of it scares me off. with that said, i'm 27 and while that's not yet *too* old to reproduce, at some point i'll get there and i'm very scared of missing my window of opportunity and painfully regretting it. my husband has always said he could go either way, in fact years ago when we met he "knew" he didn't want kids but as the years went by i think he's looking forward to it. at any rate, some people tell me when/if i'm ready i'll just "know" and others tell me that you're never really ready, you just have to decide when and do it.

any words of wisdom greatly appreciated. VBers are so wonderful!

 

[TinaNJ]

I think that it is a combination of the advice you have already received. No, you will never be prepared but yes, you will know when you are ready despite all that. I know that I am ready in many ways now (I am 25, fiance is 31) but for financial and home purposes we have chosen to wait 2 years. While it is true that the older you are the more difficult it can be to conceive, there are still women having children into their 30's and 40's and there is always adoption as an option too. Whatever you do, I would say DON'T get pregnant just because you never know, maybe you might want a kid sometime. In my opinion that will only lead to problems and resentment on everyone's part. Make sure when you do decide to bring a child into your life in one way or another it is a truly wanted child.

 

[Skylark]

Don't listen to anyone who tries to guilt you into wanting a child. Some people think all people should love kids as much as they do, the more the merrier. They can think that all they want, but there's all kinds of people in this word, and one couple choosing not to be parents doesn't kill off the human race.

 

[Jessica Alana]

I vote "not to breed" but i'm biased.

 

[GhostUser]

I'm 38 and have not biological children of my own. I have a wonderful stepdaughter. There are pro's and con's to not having children of your own. Here's my pro's and con's, not taking into consideration my stepdaughter:

Pro's:

I can take off whenever I want for how long I want and don't have to worry about another person.

My living expenses are definitely less.

I have a sports car versus a family car.

I don't miss work due to the kid(s) being sick.

Cons:

I won't experience all those firsts like first steps, words, birthdays, Christmas's, and watching them in awe when they discover the simplest of things in the world.

I don't know what it's like to be pregnant and some say its a wonderful feeling.

I won't see them go through things like learning to drive, school dances, prom, graduation, college, marriage, etc.

I won't have any grandchildren.

I won't have any children to visit me when I'm older or help to take care of me.

It's lonely sometimes.

I can't handle going to baby showers (some may though).

If you are on the fence maybe make a list of the pro's and con's. Think into the future as well as considering the present.

 

[pixiexxs]

I'm a mother of 3 children, however, I would never advise anyone to have children just because they can. I do agree with what people told you. You'll know if and when the time comes. Will you be ready? Probably not, no one can be 100% ready, but you will have prepared yourself and your family the best way that you could have. But be sure it's what YOU want. If you never feel it, that doesn't mean anything is "wrong" with you (I'm only using that term because I've heard it used, not my take on it, though). Here's my take, there are some people in this world (I've met and know some of these people) who should never have children. Yet there they are walking around popping them out. If you don't think you're there yet, do not rush into it. Don't put yourself in a situation that you will end up resenting. If you live to be 100 and you never had a child, make sure you led your life to its fullest so that you don't have any regrets about anything. Because yes (contrary to some people's beliefs) you can lead a long, fulfilling NON-superficial life without having had a child.

 

[eggplant]

I say definitely don't do it now since you're so unsure. You have time to see if your desire grows stronger. You'll never have no fears about it, but at some point your desire/need to have a child might surpass your fears. That's the stage I'm in now! But as others have said, you shouldn't feel pressured to have a child now or ever if you don't want to.

 

[BethanY]

exceptional advice from all of you. when i was younger, i used to be sure that one day i'd have kids but as the years go by i'm starting to wonder if i thought that just because i knew as women "it's what we do". i *do* know that if it were to happen my husband and i could not love a baby more and would be wonderful parents. i guess i just still feel like being selfish (ie don't want to be responsible for anyone else/want to live for myself type of thing) and i would've thought that by my age i'd have gotten over this by now. i feel like if i were a parent....well, i'd lose myself and THAT is what bothers me tremendously.

btw, i wasn't asking because i'm trying to decide if it's something i should do right now, just starting to look ahead a little, i suppose.

 

[SeaSiren]

You will know when/if you're ready. If that time is 45 years old, you can always adopt. There are so many children who want a Mommy and Daddy, don't overlook that option even if you miss your "window".

 

[Dirty Martini]

So true, SeaSiren!

BethanY, many women our age (I'm 31) are choosing not to have children. If you're unsure, don't do it. If you want to be around kids but aren't too keen on the 24/7/365 responsibilities of parenthood, volunteer. It's good you're thinking about it and askign questions rather than just jumping in

 

[BethanY]

do any of you happen to know of any books on the subject? i found one on amazon but the reviews weren't great.....

 

[rabid_child]

I'm 27 and not married and still in graduate school and I'm stuck somewhere between really really really wanting to have kids, and being absolutely terrified of pregnancy (not labor and birth, however) and actually having someone completely dependent on me all the time. My bf, who doesn't need to worry so much about hauling around a fetus and being a primary caregiver, as wonderful as he is with children, has complete baby fever and wants one really bad.

We've both agreed that we aren't going to go any further with this idea until we're both done with school (which for him is next week) and married (which could be in a couple years, could be never.).

I think it's likely normal to be scared though. *shrugs*

 

[Dirty Martini]

Here are some books - I recommend the Naomi Wolf one.

http://www.amazon.com/Mask-Motherhoo...111145-5054223

http://www.amazon.com/Misconceptions...111145-5054223

http://www.amazon.com/Mommy-Myth-Ide...111145-5054223

 

[veggielove]

Bethany, if only everyone thought so carefully as you about whether or not to conceive, the world would be a better place for all children. So as nerve-racking as your current thought process may be, its a very POSITIVE process.

You are 27 - you aren't 37. You still have time. I'm 28 and now just pregnant with my first. I have known my whole life that I wanted children, and have had the "bug" since I was in my early twenties, so my personal experience isn't the same as yours - but I do know many who HAVE had your experience.

One of my best friends has never, ever wanted to have kids. She always thought she would be childless, and to be honest, I've always felt it would suit her just fine. Some people just don't want kids, and despite what everyone says about it (and sadly, people always speak their mind about this subject, even when not asked) - its totally fine to NOT have kids. But, over the last two years, she's been dating a man who does want kids, and very recently, I've seen a change in her outlook. I was totally shocked. I realized that this was not her boyfriend pressuring her into wanting a kid - it was some latent part of her deciding to turn on. So now she can't wait to get engaged, married, and have a baby. That happened to her, and if you had said it to her 5 years ago, she never would have believed you. It may or may not happen to you - but if it does, I think you'll know it. That you're asking this question, perhaps is a first sign...

Of course, I dont think anyone can really anticipate and be totally "ready" for the hugeness of caring for, loving, and raising a little living person - but if you have the will, you can find a way. I hope this is helpful. ;-)

 

[BethanY]

Quote:

Originally Posted by OregonAmy

Here are some books - I recommend the Naomi Wolf one.

http://www.amazon.com/Mask-Motherhoo...111145-5054223

http://www.amazon.com/Misconceptions...111145-5054223

http://www.amazon.com/Mommy-Myth-Ide...111145-5054223

thank-you so, so much for this!

 

[BethanY]

Quote:

Originally Posted by veggielove

That you're asking this question, perhaps is a first sign...

honestly, i hadn't thought of it this way but good observation.

 

[MRSSHF]

My husband and I were too busy having fun for the first 7 years of our marriage to have kids. We never did anything to prevent kids, but it just never happened, and for a long time, we were fine with that. I doubted that I would ever really want kids.

Then, all of a sudden, Chris admits to me that he really wants a kid. Then I realized that I really wanted a kid too, and I had been protecting my feelings about our failure to get pregnant with my, "Oh well, I don't want them anyway" attitude. At that moment, I knew I was definitely ready.

So we went and got a little help, and my anniversary present to my husband this year was a positive pregnancy test. I'm 36, and it only took two tries once we got assistance from a fertility specialist, so you have plenty of time to make sure you are ready.

 

[veggielove]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MRSSHF

My husband and I were too busy having fun for the first 7 years of our marriage to have kids. We never did anything to prevent kids, but it just never happened, and for a long time, we were fine with that. I doubted that I would ever really want kids.

Then, all of a sudden, Chris admits to me that he really wants a kid. Then I realized that I really wanted a kid too, and I had been protecting my feelings about our failure to get pregnant with my, "Oh well, I don't want them anyway" attitude. At that moment, I knew I was definitely ready.

So we went and got a little help, and my anniversary present to my husband this year was a positive pregnancy test. I'm 36, and it only took two tries once we got assistance from a fertility specialist, so you have plenty of time to make sure you are ready.

Wonderful story MRSSHF!

I agree its great to be married for a good while before having kids. Travel, have fun, experience life as a married couple without kids, cause once you have them, there's no going back!

 

[Medesha]

I wrestle with this question on occasion. Here are some questions I ask myself:

1. Do I really want to be a mother, or do I want to have a baby? The two are different. If I want to be a mother, there is no reason not to adopt a needy older child. Just like older pets in a pound who stand a slim chance of finding a home, older children in the foster system stand little chance of finding loving parents -- a great many people want a cute baby. Now that's understandable, because cute babies are cute, just like cute kittens and puppies. And there's a definite allure to the idea of shaping another human being's life from the get go.

But the fact remains that there are different reasons to want to be a mother. Do you want to help a child become an independent, healthy adult? Do you want to pass on your religious and moral beliefs? Do you want someone who will take care of you in old age? Do you want to pass your genes on to the next generation? Questions to ponder.

2. Have you considered the possibility that you would have trouble conceiving, perhaps that you or your mate are incapable of conceiving? Would you go for fertility treatments for the chance of making a biological baby?

3. Have you considered the possibility that you might have a special needs child? What emotional support (family, friends) could you count on?

4. Have you evaluated what you want against what is best for you, your family, and the world in general? Part of being a good parent is putting others' needs ahead of your own, to a degree. It's the maturity of knowing that what is best isn't necessarily what's most popular or appealing. Applying that philosophy to your life before becoming a parent gives you a good head start.

I haven't decided yet. But I've given myself permission to regret not having kids if I don't, and to regret having them if I do. One regret may be large, but it won't destroy my entire life. I've agreed to let it shape me and move on, just like all the other regrets in my life. Call it a psychological trick, but it's helped me. Good luck! Keep us posted!

 

[colorful]

I am 28 and I have two children. One thing I can say is that I was totally unprepared for the enormity of motherhood when I had my first baby at age 24. Parenthood is a constant job that is NEVER done. You don't get weekends off, you don't get evenings off, you don't even get nighttimes off!

Nobody can say whether motherhood is right for you. But whatever you choose, just embrace it! There are times I wonder what our lives would have been like if we hadn't had kids, or had waited awhile to have kids (we got pregnant 2 months after our marriage). I can dream about the traveling we would have done, the nights-out we could have had, the sleeping in on the weekends that we would have enjoyed. But that's not my life now. So I don't focus on that, I focus on my baby's soft skin and silky hair and the magic of snuggling with him in the morning (even if it's 5:00 am!), the way my 3-year-old says big grown-up words and cracks me up, the fun it is to dance with them in the living room, and the energy and warmth our home has now that it's filled with kids.

So think carefully about what you want, but whatever you decide (or whatever life unexpectedly throws at you) - fall in love with it. Life can be wonderful whether you have kids or not.