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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
For those of you who don't pay attention to the news, France's President Chirac has made worldwide news in his condemnation of the United States and its plans with Iraq. Whether or not you agree with Chirac, given the importance of France in matters of world opinion, particularly when it comes to cream based sauces, perhaps a short review of French military history is in order.

France's PreGaellic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frenchmen the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlboro, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English

colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkish Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France surrenders?"

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Bank, you forgot one part about the WWII part... it was Canada who supplied the escort ships for the US Navy between North America and Europe.

Hmm, or maybe I am thinking WW1... damn, I forget.
 

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There's a lot of people not buying French food and wine anymore. I read somewhere this morning that in the USA, where you call them french fries, they've been renamed as freedom fries. We call them chips anyway. [And chips we call crisps....]
 

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Geez, guess they're trying to capitalize on the "patriotism" of french fries... ooops, freedom fries.
Amazing.

I'll bet they sell a lot because of it too.
 

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There's a place in France called Condom. A neighbour stayed at a campsite there and sent us a postcard.
 

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I'm not really up on history. I know alot of people in the UK have a real problem with the French. Perhaps because of the first I've never understood the second. On the surface it would appear to someone uninformed (ie me) that the French just aren't particulary agressive, and rather than be obliterated in a wave of unprecidented violence and torture they opt for a self preserving balance of compromise and the opportunity to undermine, infiltrate and eventually help to eject the invaders.

Perhaps its not that simple. I've never lived in an occupied (or previously occupied) country to know what its like. But I live in a country whose cities were destroyed by world wars and where certain racist predudices are endemic. Supposed patriotism is whipped into a frenzy by the tabloids whenever a sporting or other opportunity event occurs. Suddenly we haven't advanced a day in the last 55 years. Is that healthy?
 

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As Grounskeeper Willy would say - the French are a bunch of cheese-eatin' surrender monkeys.

I personally prefer to call them whiny pillow-biters.
 

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"without Americans to save your ungrateful behinds war after war, you'd be just where you deserve to be - a suburb of Germany. ...

...Even their cheeses smell. "

 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I heard some DJ's on the radio this morning talking about wanting to give back the Statue of Liberty...I think people have gone too far. I say just let them be and if they ever need our help again ignore them. Act like they are just a little dot on the map.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
let me see if i have this straight, people are angry with france for not kissing dubya's butt as he skips off to start his totally illegal war with iraq over "weapons of mass destruction"?? i am stupified.
 

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huh. personally i applaud them along with the other 2 for refusing to take part in another war. who cares about who saved who's butts in the past, the fact is they don't want a war and neither do i. and i hardly see how insulting their culture and cuisine proves any kind of point.

but that's just my opinion i guess.
 

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Don't want a war...The French just want billions of dollars owded to them by the Iraqi government. Don't let them fool ya LF.
 
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