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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hey everyone. This will be a bit of a brain dump so I apologise in advance.<br><br>
First of all, my fiance and I have been together for 4 years and are due to get married in November this year. Loads of stuff has already been booked - when he proposed I was so happy, and we got on with it straightaway.<br><br>
We've recently had a couple of big arguments - one about money and the latest about some suspect texts I found on his mobile. He said that he was wondering if we should go through with it because the trust was gone, but I was due to go away for a week for college so we decided to think and sort it out when I got back.<br><br>
I was very upset while I was away and when I got back he said he'd decided he did want to marry me. Trouble is, after kind of coming to terms with it over the week, I'm not sure I do any more. Is this just nerves, or do I risk saying something, if not that I don't want to marry him, just that I'm wondering if we should? I'm really worried that if I say something I'm basically ripping my life and future to shreds but I can't shake the nagging feeling that it's not quite right.<br><br>
Help?
 

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This is asking alot in such a small paragraph of description.<br><br>
btw, money is the number one reason for divorce at this time. it's common.<br><br>
is there a need to rush this? you might as well think this through slowly. are your emotions getting in the way of rational thinking?<br><br>
weigh the pros and cons with this fella. look at the big picture. can you see yourself with him until the end?
 

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pros and cons are a great idea. make a physical list and think with your head. emotions dictate a lot of what we do in these type of situations, so rationalizing is key. do what is best for you. good luck!
 

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In what way were the texts suspect?
 

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Too tell you the truth my husband and I been married for over 8 years and we have faught over the passed several years about Money and finance and 5 times we were on verge of Divorce. However, it came to show that we had to sit down and discuss what we can live without and do with out and its helping. I would try to work on trust the next two months if the trust isn't there cancel the wedding before the summer is over because people are making plans far advance and scheduling stuff.<br>
There is also alot of stress on any couples today because the prices of stuff is going up and so little income and it seems unbearable at times but, don't allow this to scare you out of marrying someone you love.
 

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There is a lot more time for you to think. This is a question which arises n every relationship. I seriously hope you get through this<br>
There was a reason why you both have been togather for 4 years. It's only a matter of time before you find that again and get togather forever. I wish you good luck
 

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Everyone goes through fear and cold feet. You are trusting this person with the rest of your life, after you're married it's not so easy to walk away. You need to decide if it is just the stress making you crazy or if your gut is really trying to tell you something. I wanted to get married in the worst way, we were together 10 years but I still had night terrors for a week afterward about being late for our wedding etc.<br><br>
I think you should have a sit down talk with him and clear the air. Keep in mind, you were dating so if he confesses any sort of flirting with other girls, unless you directly told him that was not alright with you... right then and there is where you also need to decide if you will be able to let that go and trust that marriage is when he will completely commit himself and give up his bachelor days.<br><br>
Good luck, marriage is difficult you have to put in effort every hour of every day but it is worth it, in my opinion. Things like this will seem small potatoes as time marches on and you face the best difficulties life can throw your way together, they can either bring you closer together or doom you if you can't come together and move forward. If you love him and you're ready to be married, I have a feeling you will be able to forgive him even with the suspect texts. But understand that sometimes love just isn't enough, especially if both partners aren't willing or ready to be honest, forgiving and supportive.
 

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Heya, I'm really sorry you're going through a tough time, it must be really stressful <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/sad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":("><br><br>
My gut reaction would be that if you are both, or have both, questioned if it's right for you to get married right now, it may be best to give it some time before you decide to do something you may not both want. Could you perhaps temporarily call things to a hault, and spend some time on your relationship before deciding you have to decide (if that makes sense)?<br><br>
That said, there's no need to throw the baby out with the bath water. Having disagreements and even arguments is healthy for a relationship and, as someone else mentioned, money is one of the biggest causes for everyone. Arguing, and getting over these arguments, and learning to comprimise and how to work together can make you into a stronger couple.<br><br>
But I guess my main advice would be to talk to him, and maybe to friends or family members that know you both well and are better placed to advise. Tell your fiance exactly how you feel, and what's bothering you, and try to work things out. If it isn't helping you could even consider couples counselling. Just don't agree to anything you're not happy with - just because you've set a date, doesn't mean that date cannot be postponed, or changed. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"><br><br>
I hope things work out.
 

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If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Maybe ask yourself if he proposed tomorrow, would you say yes? (As nothing would be booked).
 

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I personally would not marry anyone if I had any doubts in my mind, especially with things such as suspect texts.<br>
I would suggest postponing the wedding until you and your fiance are in a better place.<br>
Good luck with whatever descision you make x
 

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Do not let the fact that things are booked, invitations sent, family expecting it, etc... decide this for you. What makes the texts suspect? Do you feel you have enough reason to believe he may be cheating on you? You don't want to marry somebody you believe is cheating on you. You shouldn't marry someone you can't trust. However, there might be a reasonable explanation for the text messages. (You didn't tell us what they were, so it's hard to know).<br><br>
I would say if your gut instinct is that something is wrong, you should probably call it off. The fact that you posted it here means it's more than just a slight itch in the back of your mind. Something is bothering you. It's nothing to shrug off. It won't just go away. I wish I had listened to these instincts sooner about my last relationship. It should have ended a year before it actually did.
 

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Only you can make this decision but I have been in that same situation about 15 years ago. I've regretted my decision and I recommend taking time to really look at your relationship with him. If something isn't right, its best to address it now. Even if all the guests were there and the wedding was tomorrow, make sure it is the right thing for you. People will get over it if you cancel the wedding. Your wedding it just an event in their life; but for you this event will forever change your life. Make sure it is a change you have accepted fully.<br><br>
For what it is worth, here is my story.<br>
I met him, moved in a few months after that and then married him four years later. I remember having doubts but going through with it anyway. Even my best friend asked me on my wedding day if I really wanted this and it wasn't too late to walk away. I told her I wasn't sure if it was what I wanted, but everything was already in motion and I didn't feel I could stop it at that point. So I continued.<br><br>
For more than 10 years I continued to try to see the positive and make the best of it and believed it would get better. I had trusted him in spite of suspect behavior. Finally, when I stood my ground to do something with our life that was important to me, but he didn't want to do, he left me. He moved across the country and we got a divorce.<br><br>
I wish I had never married him. I wish I had listened to my gut, but I didn't. I continued because I didn't want to be embarassed in calling off the wedding after the plans had been made. Instead of facing momentary embarassment, I wasted over a decade of my life supporting a turd who in the end embezzeled my money, cheated on me and uprooted my life every 2-3 years to move to a new state. Looking back I wish I had been strong enough to do what was in the best interest of the relationship and for me and didn't give a hoot about what anyone else thought or how much my family had paid in airfare and chair rentals.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>delicioso</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2848919"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Maybe ask yourself if he proposed tomorrow, would you say yes? (As nothing would be booked).</div>
</div>
<br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>dormouse</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2849413"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Do not let the fact that things are booked, invitations sent, family expecting it, etc... decide this for you. What makes the texts suspect? Do you feel you have enough reason to believe he may be cheating on you? You don't want to marry somebody you believe is cheating on you. You shouldn't marry someone you can't trust. However, there might be a reasonable explanation for the text messages. (You didn't tell us what they were, so it's hard to know).<br><br>
I would say if your gut instinct is that something is wrong, you should probably call it off. The fact that you posted it here means it's more than just a slight itch in the back of your mind. Something is bothering you. It's nothing to shrug off. It won't just go away. I wish I had listened to these instincts sooner about my last relationship. It should have ended a year before it actually did.</div>
</div>
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I agree with both of these posts. You have to understand though, that I didn't listen to my inner voice and spent twenty years in a marriage that should never have occurred in the first place.
 

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When I was having pre-wedding jitters, the thing that helped me was making a list of ten (and only ten) must-have qualities in my life partner. It helped me focus and remember that no one is going to have every single quality I'd ever dream, but the right person would have my top ten.<br><br>
That, and the fact that I could honestly discuss all my doubts and worries with him without risking losing him. Good, honest communication is essential.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>dormouse</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2849413"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Do not let the fact that things are booked, invitations sent, family expecting it, etc... decide this for you.</div>
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I agree with this.<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>ElaineV</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2849897"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
When I was having pre-wedding jitters, the thing that helped me was making a list of ten (and only ten) must-have qualities in my life partner. It helped me focus and remember that no one is going to have every single quality I'd ever dream, but the right person would have my top ten.<br>
That, and the fact that I could honestly discuss all my doubts and worries with him without risking losing him. Good, honest communication is essential.</div>
</div>
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I did something like that too and it did help me focus my mind, good advice there.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>ElaineV</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2849897"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
When I was having pre-wedding jitters, the thing that helped me was making a list of ten (and only ten) must-have qualities in my life partner. It helped me focus and remember that no one is going to have every single quality I'd ever dream, but the right person would have my top ten.<br></div>
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Maybe lists are useful to other help other people clarify if they are making the right decision, but for me, just getting the feeling that I needed to make a list of my partner's good qualities would tell me that he probably isn't the right person to marry.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
I have been talking this out with a good friend and I'm going to speak to my mum today. I really want to speak to her first because she knows me better than anyone and I just want to make sure I'm not making a huge mistake before I say anything to my fiance. I'm going to talk to him about it this weekend. I can't really ignore this gut feeling and I'm wondering if he's actually feeling the same - he's been very distant for the past few weeks. Thank you everybody for your advice and for listening. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>AstarteManeo</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2852815"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
I have been talking this out with a good friend and I'm going to speak to my mum today. I really want to speak to her first because she knows me better than anyone and I just want to make sure I'm not making a huge mistake before I say anything to my fiance. I'm going to talk to him about it this weekend. I can't really ignore this gut feeling and I'm wondering if he's actually feeling the same - he's been very distant for the past few weeks. Thank you everybody for your advice and for listening. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"></div>
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Good luck with the talk. I'm glad you have a supportive friend to turn to. I also think it's wise that you aren't ignoring that gut feeling. I hope everything turns out well for you.
 
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