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OK, so I'm a tennis fan, and I've been watching the US Open the last two weeks, and I'm cracking myself up making up rules for a hypothetical tennis tournament drinking game. The rules would go something like this:

Drink whenever:

Brad Gilbert acts like a goober.

John McEnroe acts like a misogynistic ass.

One of the female commentators criticizes the men's game.

Anyone uses the word "Cypriot."

Anyone uses the word "Federer-like" to compliment a shot. Drink twice if they use the word "[player name]-like" and it's NOT Federer.

The commentators refer to someone as "one of the fittest players on the tour."

Andy Roddick uses the phrase, "It's a new day," during an interview.

Roger Federer forgets that he's supposed to be modest during interviews and shows how conceited he really is.

Maria Sharapova pulls a left-handed forehand. Drink twice if anyone else does it.

Rafael Nadal does his patented "I just made a great shot" dance.

Amelie Mauresmo does her patented "I just made a great shot" leap.

Roger Federer does a fist pump after making a great shot.

Lleyton Hewitt yells, "Come on!" Drink twice if he really belts it out with gusto.

A player curses herself out at length in Russian. Drink twice if the ranting reaches a screaming crescendo.

A player challenges a line call. Drink again if they turn out to be right.

A player hits the deck while diving for a ball. Drink twice if they immediately leap up and do an "I made a great shot" dance.

A player pulls the old between-the-legs shot. Drink twice if it's obviously unnecessary and they're just showboating.

You see illegal coaching occuring. Drink twice if the person doing the illegal coaching is Yuri Sharapov. Chug your whole drink if he holds up a banana.

They show a gratuitous shot of a random celebrity.

They show a gratuitous shot of a random attractive female fan. Drink twice if this happens and it's not ESPN doing it.

They show Justine Henin-Hardenne's husband chewing his nails.

They show a player's girlfriend/boyfriend in the stands and it's someone different from the last tournament.

One of the ballkids gets whistled or booed.

A female player shows up for a match looking more like a diva than an athlete (ie, wearing glitter and/or sequins and/or massive earrings). Chug your drink if she runs back into the locker room for a forgotten piece of jewelry.

Chug your drink if a male player shows up for a match wearing capri pants or a shirt with a hole in it as a fashion statement.

Two players show up for a match wearing different versions of the same shirt/outfit. Chug your whole drink if they're EXACTLY the same.

A random fan screams "I love you!" at a player. Drink twice if the player responds in any way. Chug your whole drink if the player yells, "I love you too!"

A ball gets stuck in the net.

A player hits the ball around the net post.

A player double faults on game point. Drink twice if they double fault on set point.

A player changes their shirt. Drink twice if they change their shirt before the first set is over.

Chug your whole drink if a player intentionally tanks a set.

A player gets in an argument with the chair umpire. Chug your whole drink if that player then goes on to tank the rest of the set.

A player calls for the trainer or a bathroom break at a critical moment.

A player falls to their knees after winning the tournament. Drink twice if they fall all the way to the ground.

A player climbs into the stands after winning the tournament. Chug your drink if they spend more than one minute climbing/wandering through the stands.

A player is too choked up to speak after the match. Chug your whole drink if they're too choked up to speak for more than one minute.

A player cracks the press up during the post-match press conference.

Yeah, so this is probably only funny if you're also a fan and routinely watch American broadcast coverage of the major tennis tournaments...
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