VeggieBoards banner

1 - 20 of 27 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,121 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My mother in law wants to have thanksgiving, but knows we won't eat anything, so she is upset. I also said a while ago I was doing a vegan Thanksgiving, and that she is welcome to come, but she says she couldn't imagine a Thanksgiving without turkey.<br><br>
Would it be so bad to merge my vegan Thanksgiving with hers? Have her bring over turkey that she cooked and serve it with all my vegan dishes?<br><br>
I don't know, I have been stewing over what the right answer to this is. I feel like she is super resentful of us being vegan now and feels like she is being shut out- which is not the case- it is her choice entirely. She could open up her mind a bit. But maybe if I let her bring her dead turkey, her family (my FIL and SIL and her husband) could try some vegan Thanksgiving dishes and maybe would like them? Maybe it is the way to open up their eyes that it is not so bad?<br>
Then again, I don't want a dead turkey on my dining room table.<br>
Just looking for some feedback so I can juggle this around in my head.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
221 Posts
It's a tough one. My dad went vegetarian a little over three weeks ago. My family typically is very last minute, so my mom decided to preemptively invite the extended family over to our place. I'm not sure if she mentioned it'll be vegetarian (mostly vegan...they put me in charge of side dishes, but my sister wants to make "regular" green bean casserole). My mom works on Thanksgiving, so she might make dead turkey on Friday, but overall I'm very excited about how well receptive my people have been.<br><br>
In your situation, I'd probably tell them what your plan is. The turkey or no turkey would be an issue. I definitely wouldn't want it cooked at my house. And I wouldn't want the whole carcass there either. But really, if she isn't going to be open minded, there isn't much you can do. Sorry. I don't think I helped you one bit.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,349 Posts
Personally, I would let her bring the bird. She's going to eat it regardless of whether it's at your house or not, but like you mentioned, they will have the opportunity to try some delicious vegan side dishes, and maybe even some tofurkey. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/grin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":D"> Maybe have her bring it precooked though, so the smell doesn't get to you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,299 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>mollycakes</strong> <a href="/forum/post/3024563"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Then again, I don't want a dead turkey on my dining room table.</div>
</div>
<br>
This is your answer. If she wants to eat turkey at her house, fine. Why let her closed-mindedness ruin Thanksgiving for you and your family?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
437 Posts
Personally, I'd let her bring the turkey. Or if you really really can't stand the thought of it in your house, offer to stay over at hers the night before, celebrate there and cook your vegan dishes either beforehand or using her kitchen (not ideal, I know). I do think that she could be more open-minded, but maybe if you make the extra effort to make a merged Thanksgiving work, she'd see that you aren't shutting her out and become more receptive to how you choose to live.<br><br>
It wouldn't have to be like the usual awkward holiday dinner where the one lone veg*n eats the side dishes and maybe brings one thing for themselves. If you guys prepare the side dishes together, you can use Earth Balance instead of butter, vegan milk instead of dairy, etc. That way you and your family can eat almost everything on the table, you get a chance to show your extended family how great vegan food can be, and no one's left feeling alone or left out on Thanksgiving. I think this would be a lot more effective in getting your mother-in-law to open her mind.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,079 Posts
I say merge the two together. For many people, Thanksgiving is about family and tradition, and unfortunately, part of the tradition is turkey. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/sad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":("> If you can handle it, I would invite her to your house and have her bring the cooked turkey. I agree that she is probably feeling resentful and shut out. I think it would better serve to open the eyes of her and your other in-laws by allowing them the turkey. It sounds like you won't think it too much of a compromise and it would be a great chance for them to sample your vegan cooking. Family relationships can be hard...I don't think special holidays are the time to do battle if you can at all avoid it. This is my take on the situation. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,483 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>karenlovessnow</strong> <a href="/forum/post/3025560"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
I say merge the two together. For many people, Thanksgiving is about family and tradition, and unfortunately, part of the tradition is turkey. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/sad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":("> If you can handle it, I would invite her to your house and have her bring the cooked turkey. I agree that she is probably feeling resentful and shut out. I think it would better serve to open the eyes of her and your other in-laws by allowing them the turkey. It sounds like you won't think it too much of a compromise and it would be a great chance for them to sample your vegan cooking. Family relationships can be hard...I don't think special holidays are the time to do battle if you can at all avoid it. This is my take on the situation. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"></div>
</div>
<br><br>
This. We merge with every holiday (there are seven of us) and have won over two family members in the process.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,026 Posts
I will attend nonvegan meals with family or friends at their houses but inside my home we keep it vegan.<br><br>
Pros of merging:<br>
She will attend<br>
She might eat some vegan food<br>
You don't have to change all your plans<br><br>
Cons:<br>
She will probably expect it next year (might even bring a ham for Christmas etc)<br>
She might push turkey on your kids<br>
There might be an issue of leftovers
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,075 Posts
I think that merging is a good idea. There is nothing we can do about what relatives eat, but holidays still have to be celebrated. And of course as someone said, it is a chance to showcase some awesome food... : )
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,793 Posts
I'd say have her over, and whatever other family (extended or otherwise)join you. If she's not comfortable without a turkey, let her bring it. Things like Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, etc. are family times, and what's on the table isn't as important as who is <i>around</i> it. You may, like SallyoMally, even have a convert or two. Good luck, and I hope it turns out all right. Just make sure whoever brings what takes it home with them (i.e. MIL brings turkey, she has to take it back home). Good luck with this.
 

·
Not such a Beginner ;)
Joined
·
8,394 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>ElaineV</strong> <a href="/forum/post/3025662"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
I will attend nonvegan meals with family or friends at their houses but inside my home we keep it vegan.<br><br>
Pros of merging:<br>
She will attend<br>
She might eat some vegan food<br>
You don't have to change all your plans<br><br>
Cons:<br>
She will probably expect it next year (might even bring a ham for Christmas etc)<br>
She might push turkey on your kids<br>
There might be an issue of leftovers</div>
</div>
<br>
^^ The real issue is whether she will push meat on or even sneak it to your children. My mother intentionally gave my then 11-year- old son stuffing made with turkey. She is usually quite sane, but lost her mind apparently. It really ruined her relationship with him, destroyed the trust. I wish I had not allowed the turkey in my house. :-(
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
89 Posts
This is what my family did two years ago. I cooked a fully veg*n thanksgiving with a stuffed pumpkin and plenty of sides and my mother-in-law brought chopped up turkey. It worked out pretty well with everyone getting their special Thanksgiving comfort food.<br><br>
However, the success of merging will depend a lot on your own family dynamics. Everyone was pretty laid back about dietary differences. My mother-in-law asked my husband and I ahead of time about our comfort level with meat and was careful to follow our requests (don't use the cast iron and make sure I have the oven the day of Thanksgiving). Everyone was gracious about the food during the meal and no one made any negative comments about veg*nism. If your family is hostile to veganism then it may not work so well.<br><br>
PS: I've had a much better time with joint omni-veg*n meals in my own house than at my in-law's house. Personally, the omnis I've dealt with have been more relaxed with veg*n food while visiting a veg*n person instead of eating it in their own home.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,121 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Well, I think yesterday answered my question.<br>
She took my son for a bit in the afternoon and gave him pepperoni pizza rolls. Claiming, "oh...I didn't even know there was pepperoni in them!"<br><br>
Yeah, its the pizza roll in general that wasn't really cool, but c'mon. It says pepperoni on the front of the box. She doesn't even eat pizza rolls- of course she purposefully went out and bought them for him!<br><br>
Whose to say she wouldn't try to slip them some turkey if I leave the room for a second? Forget it, if she was more attentive to my wishes for my family, I might be more sympathetic to her needs. But she can either come to our vegan thanksgiving or sit at home alone and eat her turkey. I'm definitely not going to accommodate now, she pulls this crap all the time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
221 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>mollycakes</strong> <a href="/forum/post/3026544"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Well, I think yesterday answered my question.<br>
She took my son for a bit in the afternoon and gave him pepperoni pizza rolls. Claiming, "oh...I didn't even know there was pepperoni in them!"<br><br>
Yeah, its the pizza roll in general that wasn't really cool, but c'mon. It says pepperoni on the front of the box. She doesn't even eat pizza rolls- of course she purposefully went out and bought them for him!<br><br>
Whose to say she wouldn't try to slip them some turkey if I leave the room for a second? Forget it, if she was more attentive to my wishes for my family, I might be more sympathetic to her needs. But she can either come to our vegan thanksgiving or sit at home alone and eat her turkey. I'm definitely not going to accommodate now, she pulls this crap all the time.</div>
</div>
<br>
Yeah, not cool. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/sad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":(">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,483 Posts
Oh man, that was just wrong! I can't imagine a family member doing something like that. We've been blessed with a family who loves and respects one another; eating habits and all, but I guess some are not so lucky. I'm so sorry, mollycakes.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,793 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>mollycakes</strong> <a href="/forum/post/3026544"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Well, I think yesterday answered my question.<br>
She took my son for a bit in the afternoon and gave him pepperoni pizza rolls. Claiming, "oh...I didn't even know there was pepperoni in them!"<br><br>
Yeah, its the pizza roll in general that wasn't really cool, but c'mon. It says pepperoni on the front of the box. She doesn't even eat pizza rolls- of course she purposefully went out and bought them for him!<br><br><b>Whose to say she wouldn't try to slip them some turkey if I leave the room for a second? Forget it, if she was more attentive to my wishes for my family, I might be more sympathetic to her needs. But she can either come to our vegan thanksgiving or sit at home alone and eat her turkey. I'm definitely not going to accommodate now, she pulls this crap all the time.</b></div>
</div>
<br>
That's just rude, she had no right to do that. Tell her to have her turkey at home, and it's not welcome at your house. You also might want to tell her no more grandchildren with her unsupervised if she's going to keep doing that. Stand your ground, Mollycakes. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/rifle.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":gun:"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/whip.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":whip:"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/veganpolice.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":notvegan:">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,852 Posts
I'm sorry, Mollycakes.<br><br>
I personally have found that it's better relationship-wise with family to spend holidays apart. There are a lot of other days in the year that I can see them without a dead turkey in-front of me. Also, I've learned that I find the world to be a pretty horrible place most of the time but my home is like my sanctuary where I escape from the world and I live very peacefully at home with the dogs and the chickens. I refuse to allow anyone to invade that with non-vegan food or anything else that disturbs the peace of our mini-sanctuary. We'll be hosting a ThanksLiving at our house and I'm very excited about it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
221 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Almeria</strong> <a href="/forum/post/3027070"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
We'll be hosting a ThanksLiving at our house</div>
</div>
<br>
That is adorable.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
585 Posts
*hugs*@mollycakes!!!<br><br>
I read thru the first page thinking I could add some helpful suggestions. Then i get to the second page and read that your mother in law really is so horrid! You can only focus on the positive parts of the holiday with the members of your family that ARE nice, respectful ppl. Try not to let her negative vibes get to you.<br><br>
Good luck!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
175 Posts
If she can't respect you as a parent, your choices from your family, your rules for your children...etc.. then no. I wouldn't let her bring her dead bird in my house to try to feed to my children. Respect is a two way street.
 
1 - 20 of 27 Posts
Top