oh, and predicting that someone will suggest therapy... i've tried it. recently. but i'm 16 and BOTH people i've tried to see also would "check in" with my parents. i guess because of the eating issues, and the fact that people with ED's commonly lie and act deceitfully. but basically, they would fill my parents in about everything and i felt like it was more for them rather than me. i felt like a little kid being spied on, i felt trapped. so i couldn't get anything out of it.
Teenage confusion.. beware: this is long. read, relate, support :)
Lately, i don't even know what's wrong with me.
probably depression?
teenage years hittin hard?
(this doesn't have much to do with my veganism...that is basically the one good thing i believe in nowadays)
here's when i realized things were outta control...
last week, i bought a pack of cigarettes. and a lighter. i've smoked cigarettes before with friends, and i've liked the relaxing effect, it wasn't due to peer pressure. thats not me. but, tension within my family has been horrible lately and when they start screaming..and screaming...while i'm trying to read and it continues for minutes and minutes... it's sure nice to go out in the backyard and smoke a cigarette. i KNOW it's awful, and i don't care. 1/2 the teenage conviction of invincibility ...and 1/2 is honestly just lack of respect for my body. and i won't lie..i've been messing around with an 'eating disorder' (the term is thrown around too lightly lately, i probably do have one though, to some extent)...used to binge/purge and now i simply skip meals. i still end up munching majorly but what i do is deprive myself and "binge" on, say, crackers. or cereal. so i'm not nourishing my body and i mean, crackers and cereal have calories but no nutrition.
okay, tangent.
so if i want to binge and purge..if i'm bored..cigarette seems a nice idea too. then i can get on with my life and go back to my art (passion. my calling in life) or playing the guitar or SOMETHING productive.
i know, i'm messed up. and i refuse to let the eating disorder to take a hold of my life, i dont think about it 24/7. i just like being thin. i mean, i'm an intelligent girl and that's part of the problem!! i'll think to myself "as long as i change the world with my art, don't push away my friends, keep learning and expanding my mind, and save animals...who cares about my body"
i dunno. has anyone else gone through anything similar?? i need someone to
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(if you have read all of that, thank you for enduring my ramble it's appreciated
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probably depression?
teenage years hittin hard?
(this doesn't have much to do with my veganism...that is basically the one good thing i believe in nowadays)
here's when i realized things were outta control...
last week, i bought a pack of cigarettes. and a lighter. i've smoked cigarettes before with friends, and i've liked the relaxing effect, it wasn't due to peer pressure. thats not me. but, tension within my family has been horrible lately and when they start screaming..and screaming...while i'm trying to read and it continues for minutes and minutes... it's sure nice to go out in the backyard and smoke a cigarette. i KNOW it's awful, and i don't care. 1/2 the teenage conviction of invincibility ...and 1/2 is honestly just lack of respect for my body. and i won't lie..i've been messing around with an 'eating disorder' (the term is thrown around too lightly lately, i probably do have one though, to some extent)...used to binge/purge and now i simply skip meals. i still end up munching majorly but what i do is deprive myself and "binge" on, say, crackers. or cereal. so i'm not nourishing my body and i mean, crackers and cereal have calories but no nutrition.
okay, tangent.
so if i want to binge and purge..if i'm bored..cigarette seems a nice idea too. then i can get on with my life and go back to my art (passion. my calling in life) or playing the guitar or SOMETHING productive.
i know, i'm messed up. and i refuse to let the eating disorder to take a hold of my life, i dont think about it 24/7. i just like being thin. i mean, i'm an intelligent girl and that's part of the problem!! i'll think to myself "as long as i change the world with my art, don't push away my friends, keep learning and expanding my mind, and save animals...who cares about my body"
i dunno. has anyone else gone through anything similar?? i need someone to
(if you have read all of that, thank you for enduring my ramble it's appreciated
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Well depending on what kind of cereal you're eating it could actually be quite nutrious, but anyway that clearly isn't the issue.
I know you said you'd tried to see a councellor but they wanted to check in with your parents, what about a school councellor? They might have a different approach.
You say you smoke to escape your families shouting and yelling, how about just leaving the house and taking a walk? It'd be better to stop smoking now, rather then when you're addicted. Maybe you just need to look at other ways of relieving you're stress, and dealing with this (maybe puting an mp3 player/whatever up loud with headphones.) Maybe you could even try channeling some of that emotion into the creative activities you say you love.
As cliched as it does sound.. you feel better when you eat properly.
Just don't let all of this get out of hand!
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I know you said you'd tried to see a councellor but they wanted to check in with your parents, what about a school councellor? They might have a different approach.
You say you smoke to escape your families shouting and yelling, how about just leaving the house and taking a walk? It'd be better to stop smoking now, rather then when you're addicted. Maybe you just need to look at other ways of relieving you're stress, and dealing with this (maybe puting an mp3 player/whatever up loud with headphones.) Maybe you could even try channeling some of that emotion into the creative activities you say you love.
As cliched as it does sound.. you feel better when you eat properly.
Just don't let all of this get out of hand!
You really shouldn't smoke... It's soooo bad for you, and anyone else who is around you. I think you should find a new way to relax/ get away from your family. Someone suggested taking a walk, and you could do that or anything that would get you out of the house. You like art? Go paint at a park, or take photos somewhere new.
As for the eating disorder, I say you get help. If you don't want to get help from a counselor, maybe talk to a sibling or aunt or friend or cousin whom you like and trust.
Don't tell yourself your body isn't important, it is!
Now that you've read all that, have a hug.
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You should find a "spot". A place far away, quiet, peaceful. A place that you can go to to relax, think, take a breather. (smoking is not 'taking a breather' at all.) A park thats not to busy? a creek? A small stream? woods? anywhere like that. Just stay safe- and don't tell people about it. It will break the relaxation of the place.
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but the next thing you know, you are beyond that point.. and I don't think you'd know it when you get too skinny because in ED, there's no such thing as being too skinny.
It really scares me now when i see my pics like 5 mths ago before I went to treatment.
I know it's really hard especially when you don't see it and don't really want it, but I think it's super important that you really get help before it becomes too big to just hope to "grow out of it" because ED acts really fast.
"as long as i change the world with my art, don't push away my friends, keep learning and expanding my mind, and save animals...who cares about my body
ED won't let you change the world the way you want to.. it will not only destroy your body, but your relationships ultimately..
Please do try to nourish yourself in both ways.. get a RD or something
talk it out!!! I know that the therapists didn't work out before, but it doesn't mean all the therapists you meet will be like that
I've been there (not smoking, but ED) and through the phase where I thought I was thin, but not deathly..Originally Posted by murry
i just...don't feel like recovering from the ED quite honestly. and i'm thin but like, not deathly. i feel fine, i still have energy and stuff. i dont ditch parties and weekend plans to workout... and i've been "iffy" about food for a year now. i honestly think that i won't let this grab a hold of me... because its truly just because i want to be skinny. i dont see myself in a wrong perception...if i got too skinny i'd know it. whatever. i just hope i'll grow out of it...i dont want to be a mom worrying about being skinny, yknow?
hopefully time will just take care of everything.
and yes smoking is illegal from my age but in my town allll the gas stations are run by perverted indian men who never hesistate to sell them to me despite my not having an ID. haha. i don't smoke a lot, at all, my most ever has been 2 in a day. i go many days without smoking at all. i tell myself, as long as i dont increase how much i do it..
but the next thing you know, you are beyond that point.. and I don't think you'd know it when you get too skinny because in ED, there's no such thing as being too skinny.
It really scares me now when i see my pics like 5 mths ago before I went to treatment.
I know it's really hard especially when you don't see it and don't really want it, but I think it's super important that you really get help before it becomes too big to just hope to "grow out of it" because ED acts really fast.
"as long as i change the world with my art, don't push away my friends, keep learning and expanding my mind, and save animals...who cares about my body
ED won't let you change the world the way you want to.. it will not only destroy your body, but your relationships ultimately..
Please do try to nourish yourself in both ways.. get a RD or something
talk it out!!! I know that the therapists didn't work out before, but it doesn't mean all the therapists you meet will be like that
animallover..best suggestion i have heard in awhile
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You say that you don't care about smoking/developing an eating disorder, yet they seemed to be quiet main points in your orginal post. That doesn't seem to quiet add up!Originally Posted by murry
i just...don't feel like recovering from the ED quite honestly. and i'm thin but like, not deathly. i feel fine, i still have energy and stuff. i dont ditch parties and weekend plans to workout... and i've been "iffy" about food for a year now. i honestly think that i won't let this grab a hold of me... because its truly just because i want to be skinny. i dont see myself in a wrong perception...if i got too skinny i'd know it. whatever. i just hope i'll grow out of it...i dont want to be a mom worrying about being skinny, yknow?
hopefully time will just take care of everything.
and yes smoking is illegal from my age but in my town allll the gas stations are run by perverted indian men who never hesistate to sell them to me despite my not having an ID. haha. i don't smoke a lot, at all, my most ever has been 2 in a day. i go many days without smoking at all. i tell myself, as long as i dont increase how much i do it..
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Glad I could be of some help
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At my old town, we had this little river, and it had piers and stuff you could sit on. At one time it was always crowded, people feeding ducks, people having parties, people boating..ect..ect..but as that town grew, got more violent, and whatnot...that park was pretty much always vacant. It was in walking distance of my house...so it was really nice to go down there and sit on a pier, take my shoes off, and splah my feet around in the water. I also picked up any trash I saw laying around.
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Originally Posted by murry
animallover..best suggestion i have heard in awhile![]()
At my old town, we had this little river, and it had piers and stuff you could sit on. At one time it was always crowded, people feeding ducks, people having parties, people boating..ect..ect..but as that town grew, got more violent, and whatnot...that park was pretty much always vacant. It was in walking distance of my house...so it was really nice to go down there and sit on a pier, take my shoes off, and splah my feet around in the water. I also picked up any trash I saw laying around.
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Before these small problems escalate and get serious, please do get some help. Even if its a friend or a reliable adult, any kind of help is better than none.
I'm an ex-cutter and have had a slight ED problem in the past. I know all too well about how things can grow quite quickly into bigger problems.Originally Posted by murry
My ED or smoking habit does not yet effect my life on the overall. this post is ABOUT those two issues that are right now SMALL to me but obviously come big for some people. just because the post was about the issues doesnt mean my life is...which was my whole point in the first place.
Before these small problems escalate and get serious, please do get some help. Even if its a friend or a reliable adult, any kind of help is better than none.
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