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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I won't get in deep w/anything... me & my ex were friends for 8 years before we started going out... very emotionally intense relationship...I broke his heart-big time... I want to see how he's doing (through e-mail, I'm not gonna call him) I just dunno if it's a good idea or not? I broke up w/him about 2 months ago.. last time we talked was probably a month ago & it wasn't on good terms... Plus, I might be getting into a relationship w/someone else (which I won't tell my ex that) So my question is, should I just leave it alone & wait to see if he still wants a friendship? and would it be ok to write him, or would that just be stupid on my part?
 

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It doesn't hurt to try, even if he's not ready for a friendship just yet, atleast he knows you want one and the option is there whenever <i>he's</i> ready. Also, he could want to have contact with you but doesn't know how to go about, feels akward, ect.<br><br><br><br>
I think it's a good idea to write him, but keep your expectations low. Expect him to not be ready yet. Then if he isn't, you won't be as hurt. But hey, you never know what his reaction is going to be until you try.<br><br><br><br>
I think it's wonderful you want to have a friendship with this person again. I'm sure it will make him feel good that he is still important to you.
 

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I would say at least let him know you're there for him and you are interested in a friendship. You never know, he may be wanting to talk to you and going through the same moral dilemma you are.<br><br><br><br>
Also, you never know when someone may need you. At least letting him know you are there for him can't hurt.<br><br><br><br>
Best of luck, whatever you choose to do.
 

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I'll differ from what others have said here. If you left, and he's heartbroken, it's likely that contact from you will be hard for him to deal with. I've been on both sides of that equation, and unsolicited contact from the one who has left always just seems to stir up pain and complicate the healing process.<br><br><br><br>
If there comes a time to be friends again, both of you will know it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
First of all... thank you for the quick replies & good advice. He knows I still wanna be friends & that I'm always here for him no matter what. The way it ended is kinda why I'm hesitant on writing him... (he basically called me a "gutter whore"-because of what I did AFTER I broke up w/him...) But he's very important to me, and I do want to re-establish a friendship w/him. TY again!
 

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I think the words he said to you after you hurt him, should be taken with a grain of sand. Yes, he was wrong to say that to you, but I doubt he ment it. He was probably just upset and wanted to "hurt you like you hurt him", even if he didn't realize it. A lot of people lash out when they're upset. I still think you should talk to him, just to let him know he's still important you still want to be friends ect.
 

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If I were him and you had broken my heart, I don't think I'd want to hear from you. I could see where this might confuse him, what with you breaking up with him but still contacting him all the time. There's no closure in that. I think many months need to pass before you should even consider this.
 

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2 months ago? I wouldn't want to hear from you.<br><br><br><br>
I dated a close friend, and it was also an intense thing for about a year, then we broke up, his choice, not mine, and it took nearly 3 yrs before I could talk to him again without freaking out. Now we're on good terms, but it was a long road.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>SuperChicken</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
If I were him and you had broken my heart, I don't think I'd want to hear from you. I could see where this might confuse him, what with you breaking up with him but still contacting him all the time. There's no closure in that. I think many months need to pass before you should even consider this.</div>
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I haven't contacted him, but I do want to, to see how him and his family are doing. He thought we were going to get back together, etc... and is mad because I've slept w/other people after I broke up w/him.. but I will definitely consider waiting to contact him from what you said.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>rabid_child</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
2 months ago? I wouldn't want to hear from you.<br><br><br><br>
I dated a close friend, and it was also an intense thing for about a year, then we broke up, his choice, not mine, and it took nearly 3 yrs before I could talk to him again without freaking out. Now we're on good terms, but it was a long road.</div>
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I was writing another response & didn't read this... and eep, I hope it doesn't take 3 years before he's cool w/talking to me... but I broke his heart into pieces, so I'd understand if he NEVER wants to talk to me again... I just don't want it to be that way, but I guess that's life for ya, huh?
 

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I agree with Seusomon. My ex broke up with me in July, I didn't want to talk to him until he came to visit one last time in September, and I haven't talked to him, written, emailed or anything since- almost 6 months. I don't talk about him with anyone who could share information about him or to him about me. I told him I don't want to talk to him and that when I'm ready I will. I told him it might be years. I know he wants to be friends.<br><br><br><br>
When someone dumps you (and I love the word dump. That's how it feels. It's a blow to the ego, you've been put out with the trash, so let's call a spade a spade.) it really, really, really, really hurts. It screws up your whole life. (go through my old posts where I've talked about this, and believe me, I barely talk about it as much as it's on my mind.) And if he is a little sad that he can't be my friend, oh well. Crocodile tears.<br><br><br><br>
And I'm sure he'd say he'll always love me. Spare me that crap or sentiments. That's exactly what I don't want to hear. I don't want to hear about how he cares about me because it's just a reminder that he doesn't love or care <b><i>enough</i></b> to do what he needs to do to make a relationship work with me. It's like showing someone a beautiful piece of cake but telling you it's for someone else. And that just makes me even angrier and feel rejected all over again. Do your ex a favor and let him live his life. Let him call the shots.<br><br><br><br>
It probably sounds like I think you or my ex are wrong in your decisions to end the relationship. I actually don't feel that. I'm just trying to give you a flavor for what he might be feeling.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I wanna hear any & all sides... that's why i wrote, because I dunno what i should do and I want to get opinions to weigh the options
 

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Two months would be way to soon for me.
 

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I must agree with Seusomon and some of the others. Two months is not a very long time after a breakup. It can take that long just to start feeling 'alive' again and regain your normal life routine. I've never broken up with someone on good terms before and I don't have friendships with any of my exes so I know how long it can take to come out of the 'post-breakup funk'. And hearing from them was NOT good times. It was painful and made me angry at their audacity to keep contacting me.<br><br><br><br>
I can kind of see why you want to contact him. You [seem to] care for him still and his family and may be curious to see how everyone is, since I assume you used to be involved in his family circle. But, hmm, how do I say this... it's not really your business anymore how he or his family are. I don't say that to be mean, but it is what it is. You ended the relationship and you no longer have that privilege of knowing his feelings or his daily comings and goings. If he would like to continue to share those things with you, then that's great but if he hasn't given you any signals of this, then I'd take that as a hint that he is not, nor ever may be, willing to be friends.<br><br><br><br>
If you have already let him know your door is open, then the ball's in his court. Other than that, continue on with yourself and with moving forward. That's all we can ever do, really.
 

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2 months seems a bit soon to me as well. He knows where you are if he wants to talk. I'd give it at least 6 months, and then see how you feel.
 

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Two months is WAY too soon, IMO. I've had friendships which turned romantic and then died. In one case, it was really about a year before I was ready to be friendly again. In the other, I'm still not ready for a friendship. I'm friendly with his family (and was for a long time before we really became friends) and as it is I hear about him way too much for my comfort. It's been 5 months there and maybe someday I'll be ready to exchange Christmas cards, but at this point, I feel that it won't be anytime soon. When the trust you have in someone is undermined like that, it can take quite some time to heal.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Hang~Ten~Honey</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br><br>
You ended the relationship and you no longer have that privilege of knowing his feelings or his daily comings and goings. If he would like to continue to share those things with you, then that's great but if he hasn't given you any signals of this, then I'd take that as a hint that he is not, nor ever may be, willing to be friends.<br><br><br></div>
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That's a good way of putting it.<br><br><br><br>
Another thing to remember is that people who did not want the relationship to end have a lot of fantasies about the person calling them up and saying, "I miss you so much! I now realize how wrong I was to ever leave you. I've totally changed and I think we can work this out, let's run away together, I'll love you forever!!!" So just by talking to the person, you might get their hopes up a little bit, and when that fantasy isn't fullfilled (and it never is) it's just another little let down, a new reminder that that will *never* happen and a reminder that you want things things your way and not the way they want them. Once again, it's an ego blow, things are on your terms, not theirs. It's a power inequity. You hold the power, so no friendship is possible.<br><br><br><br>
I'd be interested in hearing what the OP's experiences being dumped are.<br><br>
I've always been the dumpee, (except for one case where it was mutual, but still hurt). It can take years to get over. I have at least one person it's been 10 years and I still am afraid to talk to him. I just don't want to be reminded of that time of my life and what he did to me.<br><br><br><br>
You know last night on Idol it was D. ROss night:<br><br><br><br><div class="quote-container"><b><span>Quote:</span></b>
<div class="quote-block"><b>Set me free, why don't cha babe<br><br>
Get out my life, why don't cha babe<br><br>
'Cause you don't really love me<br><br>
You just keep me hangin' on<br><br>
You don't really need me<br><br>
But you keep me hangin' on<br><br><br><br>
Why do you keep a coming around<br><br>
Playing with my heart?<br><br>
Why don't you get out of my life<br><br>
And let me make a new start?<br><br><i><b>Let me get over you<br><br>
The way you've gotten over me</b></i><br><br><br><br>
Set me free, why don't cha babe<br><br>
Let me be, why don't cha babe<br><br>
'Cause you don't really love me<br><br>
You just keep me hangin' on<br><br>
Now you don't really want me<br><br>
You just keep me hangin' on<br><br><br><br>
You say although we broke up<br><br>
You still wanna be just friends<br><br>
But how can we still be friends<br><br>
When seeing you only breaks my heart again<br><br>
And there ain't nothing I can do about it<br><br><br><br>
Woo, set me free, why don't cha babe<br><br>
Woo, get out my life, why don't cha babe<br><br>
Set me free, why don't cha babe<br><br>
Get out my life, why don't cha babe<br><br><br><br>
You claim you still care for me<br><br>
But your heart and soul needs to be free<br><br>
Now that you've got your freedom<br><br>
You wanna still hold on to me<br><br>
You don't want me for yourself<br><br>
So let me find somebody else Hey!<br><br><br><br>
Why don't you be a man about it<br><br>
And set me free<br><br>
Now you don't care a thing about me<br><br>
You're just using me<br><br>
Go on, get out, get out of my life<br><br>
And let me sleep at night<br><br>
'Cause you don't really love me<br><br>
You just keep me hangin' on...<br><br><br><br><br></b></div>
</div>
<br>
 

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I wouldn't want to hear from you either. I personally think its a little selfish to want to contact him. He knows you want to be friends, he's not ready. You should back off and let him make the first move, since you are the one that broke his heart. Sorry but that's the way I really see it.
 

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I agree that it'd be best to not contact him so soon. I've had my heart broken, and being contacted by someone who dumps me, when I am not ready to be contacted, just rips open wounds and forces me to begin the healing process <i>all</i> over again. Quite frankly, I think it is unfair and selfish to do that to another person, especially if you know he was badly hurt. He needs time to recover. With the last guy I was involved with, it took me well over a year to even consider talking to him again. He knew I didn't want to talk to him because I explicitly told him, and he respected that, which helped me to heal that much faster.
 
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