survey for the married and engaged

GhostUser · May 20, 2003

I'm curious... 
How long did you date before getting engaged? 
How long were you engaged before getting married? 
And... what made you/ your s.o. decide it was time?

spa_girl · May 20, 2003

We dated for a little over a year before becoming engaged... We were engaged for 11 months. We basically knew after the first few dates that our relationship was something special. He's divorced and I had been in a couple serious relationships in the past so we knew what we wanted and didn't want, and I think we both knew almost from the start that this was different than anything we'd experienced before. 
We also moved in together 6 months after we started dating, so after 6 months of living together (around the time we got engaged) we knew it was right, and by the time we got married we had been living together for about a year and a half. The timing was perfect for us. We moved a little more quickly than some people do (living together so soon) but when you know, you know. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="

"> We've been married for 8 months now.

Life2k · May 20, 2003

We dated 6 weeks, were engaged 6 more weeks, been married 25 years. It was not love at first sight, but almost.

GhostUser · May 20, 2003

He moved in with me after a week. Got engaged exactly six months after our first date, and married exactly a year after that. I just knew, and even after hitting rock bottom in our marriage I still knew, and now our marriage is better than ever.

zoebird · May 20, 2003

we started dating in april. by the end of the school year (mid may) i had a choice to make: either walk off and be single or stay and be committed for the rest of my life--as far as i could see it anyway. 
so, i took the risk and decided to stay with him. We started living together the following december--nine months later. The following october, we got engaged. 
five years later, in october, we got married. That was 7 months ago. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="

"> 
we are very slow people. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="

"> it's weird to me to be married so soon. but it's been hard for me to be married. although thing with my husband are fine, my social conditions changed--and so did the way i was treated by friends and coworkers. even church members and random people on the street. It's really weird. Like i'm no longer a full person, but rather an attachment under the rules and permissions of my husband. To be honest, this aspect of "marriage" i don't like so much. 
and if i had to do it again, i probably wouldn't "get married" but rather just stay committed and "single" as before. 
but i'm really independent and i have strong feminist tendencies. I didn't realize what impact it would have on my social standing to the outside world--beyond the relationship between my husband and i. I've even toyed with divorcing just to get out of the social BS.

punkmommy · May 20, 2003

We started off as housemates, after a few months we "got together". I got pregnant about the first time we had sex ( just too darn fertile! ). We have a 3yr old son and have been married for a little over a year. We have the best relationship in the world. He's the best husband and father imaginable ( pretty darn cute and vegan too ! ) .

pickletatertot · May 20, 2003

We dated for about a year and a half and then we moved in together. We had just gotten out of grad school and moved half way across the country together to a town where neither of us knew anyone. I had gotten a job there and he came along and got a job there too. We lived together for a little over a year when we got engaged and got married about a year after that. So we got married about 3.5 years after we first started dating. We'll be married 5 years this fall and we have two beautiful daughters. More info than you asked for but that's my story! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="

">

GhostUser · May 20, 2003

we moved in together 10 months after dating, got engaged 8 months later, got married 1 year after that. he's such a sweetie pie - a great husband and father. 
i remember seeing him at the mall with his girlfriend at the time years before we even started dating and i said "i want him for myself" then never really thought of it again. and i got him!!

CaptainSwab · May 20, 2003

I'm glad I'm not the only person who moved in with my guy so soon.... 
Lets see here. I started spending the night at his place on our second date. (it just felt right, I dunno) I've never acted like that before....We offically moved in together 7 months later, but before that I would go two weeks at a time without going to my own place. 
We've been living together (the offical living together) for 2 years in June. 
We've been dating for 2 years and 7 months and plan on getting married in August. 
I know its right for me. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="

"> I dated this one guy for 3 years. We got along really well, everybody else thought we would get married except for me, we had a great relationship and even now I still talk to him once in awhile as friends. I just couldn't picture my futrue with this guy. With Dave I can picture the future. Thats how I know its right. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="

">

GhostUser · May 21, 2003

We dated for three months before moving in together. After a year and a half, we bought a house together, then became engaged after two years together. That was ten months ago and we'll be married this Saturday! 
I guess we were very ready to get married since we already were raising his kids together and living in a house that we own together. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="

">

epski · May 21, 2003

After our first date, which took place after we'd known each other for three days, we spent the night together, but observed limits neither of us wanted to observe, so after another week of spending every single evening together, we had our second date and did what we wanted to do. From that time on, we spent nearly every night together at my place, occasionally at hers, until her lease ran out, then she moved in with me. 
We were engaged roughly 10 months after she first started spending the night and married almost exactly 10 months after that. We've been married just about 7 months now.

Kamila · May 21, 2003

We dated for eight months. He had asked me out a few times before I finally dated him. I really was not attracted to him when I first met him. I did like his car. After he got new glasses and I saw him out of his uniform (we worked together) I agreed to go out with him. 
We were engaged for a year and a week (I needed to graduate high school). He had a house, I lived with my parents but we were together every moment we could squeeze in. 
Eleven days out of high school we married. Everyone said I was too young and that it would never work. They generally gave us from two weeks to two years. I did not care; at the time I did not see marriage as any more of a commitment then living together. In my mind the only difference was the big party and the gifts. No one I knew broke up happy and stable, I did not think divorce could be any worse emotionally then just breaking up (never thought about the financial cost of divorce). 
This June the solstice will mark out 28th year together as man and wife. 
By the way Zoe-- you are not one to let others lead you! Show them a better way.... make your own social BS! I have so much confidence in your heart and style.

GhostUser · May 21, 2003

Met my wife in law school (she was doing her MBA) and dated for about a year before we got engaged. Engaged for about a year before we got married. Been married for 18 years now and don't regret it, even though like everyone in a relationship we've had peaks and valleys. Now if she'd just quit hiding my guns and ammo . . . <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/grin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="

"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/grin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="

">

Thalia · May 21, 2003

I have had three relationships that all ended after about 2 years. None of these men were ready to get married. Now that I am older and will date men older than those three (the oldest of which was 23), how long should I wait before I try to get on the same page about where the relationship is headed, if it could lead to marriage? I don't want to waste years and years with men I am never going to marry. 
So, especially for the men, at what point does a guy start knowing that he is open to marriage or that he knows he has no plans for that at all? (of course evey guy is different, just want some general advice)

shewolf · May 21, 2003

I wouldn't call it "dating". LOL We were together in a very casual no strings attached sense, then it got attached, and about 2 months after we admitted we were ni a relationship we moved in together (with a friend). It was no big deal to us. We were together for 4 and a half years (had been living together for 4) when he asked me. We probably won't be getting married until I finish my PhD which is two years away, as I'd get too distracted. He just decided it felt right, we were committed to each other and it really didn't need to be formalised, but he said it felt right. And I agreed.

epski · May 21, 2003

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally posted by Thalia I have had three relationships that all ended after about 2 years. None of these men were ready to get married. Now that I am older and will date men older than those three (the oldest of which was 23), how long should I wait before I try to get on the same page about where the relationship is headed, if it could lead to marriage? I don't want to waste years and years with men I am never going to marry. 
So, especially for the men, at what point does a guy start knowing that he is open to marriage or that he knows he has no plans for that at all? (of course evey guy is different, just want some general advice)</div>
</div>
 
Being a man, first and foremost, and being something of a serial monogamist, I'd say that a guy will know if you're the one for him fairly quickly, if he's ready to get married at all. Now this doesn't apply in 100% of all cases, obviously, since everyone is different, but in my conversations with other men, guys like that comfort zone of a good girlfriend, but could go without getting married for a really long time, and then they'll realize you're not the one for that step. Then they'll be in "search and marry" mode, perhaps without realizing it, and for the longest time before this I never even wanted to get married. 
Looking back on when I met my wife, I realize I was in a "search and marry" mode. I was dating around a bit at the time, and had been seeing one particular girl for a few months, but never really took it very seriously, though I started getting signals that she did. Then I met my wife and I realized what I had been looking for. I knew fairly quickly that she was someone that complemented me quite well, and with whom I could grow, in addition to lots of other pluses. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="

"> 
Of course, some men get married because they feel like they have to, which is a huge mistake. 
So, to distill this and all the unsaid stuff down to a "Marriage for Dummies" statement: If it isn't obvious, then he's probably still looking around for the next best thing.

zoebird · May 21, 2003

thalia: 
if i were you, when dating, i would stop thinking about marrying at all. Tell yourself (and believe it), that it's ok to NOT ever marry, that it doesn't matter if you do--because you're valuable anyway. 
and if you are a serial monogamist, or not, you'll still have a great life with lots of companionship of all sorts. being unmarried is actually VERY NICE when people stop trying to get married. 
i never think of time as a single gal dating lots of guys as "wasting time" with people. Sometimes i really enjoyed them, and sometimes it was like : here today, gone tomorrow. it's the nature of being single--and it's actually really good. 
what i looked for was a person who was what i wanted to be with, rather that looking for a husband. If he never married me, i would be ok. If we broke up--even after a b-zillion years--that would be ok. Because time spent with him would be good time, regardless of whether or not we get married. 
I have no idea why people rush into marriage. There are a lot of burdens in it--but then most women don't even see them. They don't even begin to understand their cultural context, they just want to be married by some indoctrinated social drive. men are subject to it too. My husband has no concept of what i go through on a daily basis. His life is golden. he got everything when he got a wife: "stability," a "trophey," a "caregiver," and generally higher social standing. I, on the other hand, got very little socially, except that if i'm not sitting comfy in the social normalization, i'm a "bad wife" and "too independent" and "not helpful or caring to ryan." 
but darn it, i'm not his mommy or his maid, or his prize. I am a full human being with my own needs and desires--and if that means not having kids, or not being some simpering "wifey" idiot. . .then i'd rather be ME than something else. 
Yes, i'm bitter too. but i'm heading to the inlaws this weekend, and they take issues with me: 
"i thought you'd calm down after the wedding, and understood the joys of being a legitimate woman." 
gotta love that sort of statement. As if i wasn't a legitimate woman before! 
Followed by all the questions: 
when is the baby coming? (and all related) 
Like i'm a baby factory. 
and "you're not treating him right" if i'm not doing X, Y, or z--which by thw ay, as a grown man, he can do by himself. Hello? 
trust me love, get some feminist in you. Get some independence. DOwn with marriage! LOL

epski · May 21, 2003

I've never felt any burden in being married, zoebird. Sounds like most of the problems you encountered after getting married came from a backward society. And, yeah, screw them. 
My wife is her own person, and we're fortunate that my family is very cool and that they all love her madly. She is very independent and has her own set of goals and opinions, but when she's had a hard day, she's confused, stressed, sad or even when she has good news, she wants to share it with me. Just 15 minutes ago, she called to tell me how one of the higher-level staff members where she works came up and congratulated her on being the number one student in her molecular genetics class. She was excited that word was getting around and that people were talking about her so positively. I was so happy to be included in that. 
When I was growing up I thought marriage was a load of crap, and I always thought being a serial monogamist was good enough for me but, after a while, it wasn't. I really can't explain it. I'm not religious. I don't believe in locking someone into a contract. But that commitment, that vow, it means something. It's an expression of love that transcends merely being together. 
I'm just glad I waited until I was 31 to do it, unlike just about everyone else in my family, many of whom got married in their late teens or very early 20s, and ALL of whom have been divorced at least once.

kirkjobsluder · May 21, 2003

Engaged after three months here and married a year later. We've been together for about 10 years now.

Thalia · May 21, 2003

zoebird- 
I totally agree in that I should not have a fear in not getting married, I am totally cool with that. I am also cool with never having kids. But I would prefer both of these things, therefore I prefer to date men who are able to commit. I have a tendency to drag relationships way past their run and then it takes me a year or two to even want to date again. So if I am 28 and would prefer to have a child (and I want to have a partner for this), I need to at least try to weed out relationships with men who are not interested in making a commitment to me. 
I agree, none of them are a waste in and of themselves, but they are if you are not getting that commitment you want and as a result passing up a man who would want to share his life with you instead of dumping you when he gets bored. 
Don't worry about my feminist side. I don't stress about getting married, I just want to be mindful of my relationships instead of just leaving it up to fate. And in fact, one of my goals before marriage is a house. I want to experience even if only briefly, owning property that is mine, all mine! 
And epski- 
There is a scene in Sex and the City when the women talk about men who couldn't commit to them and then commit to someone else later on bc they are suddenly ready. They conclude that men are like taxi cabs, you have to get them when their light is on!

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