sorry for the confusion i felt a bit vulnerable with my first post so i deleted it my husband is a heroin addict and has been using on and off for the past 3 years he was supposed to be clean for a long time well thats what he told me untill i found evidence in his van last night that contradicted his lie i just felt so hurt last nighht not only to find out that he was still using but because he lied to me and once again shattered my trust in him. I am sorry if this is too much but i needed to talk to someone thanks for listening.
MAn, that's tough. I've had several expiriences with addicts for SO's. MY advice is that if the lying is a continuous thing then you need to see if he'll commit himself to conseling and you and your family. If he is not willing to change then you shouldn't feel obligated to stick it out. You need to do what's best for you and your child(ren?). And a drug addict and a liar is not what you or any child should deal with. With addicts, you feel so bad, because when they are normal they are usually the sweetest people in the world. But when it's ugly, it's very ugly...not to mention expensive and illegal. Like I said... if he isn't willing to work with you, tell the truth, and get help, then you need to leave. Even if it is temporary. He may just need to see that you're serious about your family and him. Serious enough to leave. Sometimes this can inspire people to get thier act together. Good luck, and don't feel afraid to ask us for advice....
Snowbunny, has your hubby ever had any sort of substance abuse therapy? Heroin is sooo hard to quit, not that I'm excusing his lying to you or that you don't already know that. Substance abuse in general is genuinely nasty stuff, and I'm sorry that you're having to shoulder something like this. I don't know, my thoughts are definitely with you... It's perfectly normal to feel vulnerable about sharing something so personal, so don't feel bad about editing your first post... I'd say we have a pretty supportive community here, so please feel welcome to vent to us.
Have you ever thought about a support group for folks with family members who have substance issues?
thanks guys and FD he is on methadon right now to get the more permanent treatment he has to lose 50 lbs which he is attempting to do i mean he wants help he just cant help himself its got him by the balls (pardon my french) i know he is lying to me because he knows that it is devistating to me and he dosent want to see me suffer anymore i have been through alot with this man i was 16 when we met he was 28 we have been through so much in our 8 years together that most people wont go through in a life time so i cant just up and leave him i love him to damn much
I know you don't want to leave him. I'm just saying the threat of it sometimes can communicate your seriousness about his addiction. Although, I didn't know about him already being on medication for it. So he's taking a step in the right direction. And he could have just relapsed. Ultimately you should really talk to him. Tell him what you found and see his response. If he fell off for just one night, then help him back on the wagon, ya know? I'm sure he knows how much it hurts you. Just communicate, be patient, and keep encouraging him to do the right thing. It will never go away completely, but it will lessen.
I don't know, sometimes an ultimatum or challenge (like threatening to leave or actually leaving him) might have the opposite effect--instead of it bringing him to his senses, it could very well push him over.
The bottom line is this: Snowbunny, you've got to take care of yourself. You can't take care of anyone else if you're not taking care of yourself. Know what I mean? You only have control over how YOU handle this. Don't try to deal with this alone, okay? I'm not a substance abuse counselor, but I am a social worker, so I have worked with folks in similar situations... I genuinely do recommend spending time with a group or therapist--just so you can maintain your own (and your daughter's) wellbeing and can continue to help him work through this.
snowbunny, my heart is with you. i haven't dealt with heroin addiction in my immediate family, but i have dealt with alcoholism and other drug addictions and i know how hard it can be. have you considered attending al-anon meetings? you can't control your husband's behaviour but those meetings can help you feel stronger and help you understand how little things you do, personally, can enable the addict in your life; and give you strategies for coping and ending the cycle. maybe you've already done that, i don't know.
one question...why does he need to lose 50 lbs to get treatment?
FD, that's what I meant with the last comment. If it's already a discussed and open issue, and he's willing to work with her, then by no means should she leave. She has to be there to help him. I was just saying if things are out of control and he's not showing any improvement, then it's time for her to consider moving on. But that's not the case.
I have dealt with a few different kinds of addictions personally, and I have gotten one guy to actually curb and eventually quit his abuse (well, not all me, but I definately encouraged it and when I told him I couldn't take it anymore ("I'm leaving") he ended up taking steps to recovery.) But snowbunny is dealing with something different than that, and I would definately say to follow your advice. They both need counseling and they need to make sure that thier communication is very open with each other. Snowbunny, you need to tell him what you found in a nonthreatening and understanding way. Don't accuse him (even though I'm sure you are infuriated by the lie), be sympathetic. Be on his side, because you are actually working towards the same goal. You have to be a team.
well first i have threatend to leave him he got all upset cryed and promises he would do better i have not been to anymeeting i should look into that but he would have to take me i dont drive he knows i found the evidance and i did confront him he hugged me and apologized shewolf i love you too and Kreeli they have to put him under anistetic for 8 hrs and they fear he will asperate because he is overweight...you guys are great with every post i read i feel a little better thank you all
I've had experience with Tough Love and counsellors, etc with my kids and others in my family.
The hardest distinction I have ever had to make was:
That letting go, did NOT mean giving up....
I truly am the world's best enabler.
I was so afraid that those I needed to let go, would interpret it, as loving them less.
The opposite is true, however.
The fact that I could RISK having them think I loved them less, or not at all, was my biggest fear.
Now I have found that by letting go, I think I demonstrate my love for them even more..I would risk them thinking that I didn't love them, because I knew what was best for them more than what they did. Make sense?
I have a drug addicted sister, who broke into my apt, stole all my things, went to jail (I got most of my stuff back) When she got out, she came to live with me...is now back in jail for using again.
When she gets out this time, she needs to collect her things and move on..it torments me, maybe more than her.
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