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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I don't know, I've been thinking about my ex-girlfriend on and off during the last years, but just a few minutes ago while I was making salad I was listening to a French band I'd gotten to know through her and I've started crying like a baby.

We'd gotten to know each other over the internet through writing and got together after six months, I was 14 at the time and she was three years older. We were pretty much on one level emotionally, in our interests, values... Like long-lost twins, really. It was my first real relationship too and I haven't been in another one ever since. It was also a long-distance relationship.

In the end we broke up because I guess I was too scared of the whole "lesbian for life" thing, even though I never really wanted marriage and kids I was suddenly scared of having a different life later. (I'm comfortably bisexual by now.) And sex? SCARY. I don't know, I just started withdrawing more and more and everything kind of just trailed off.

So now it's four years later and I'm still not over how stupid I was to let that relationship end. I mean, I'm generally considered unattractive by my peers (because I'm pretty damn tall and not pretty) and I'd actually found someone who loved me for who I was and I blew it. I tried making contact a few times but somehow it never really worked out, I guess she's sick of me... Although she's never said so. I don't know.

I still have a few books of hers and a few months ago I phoned her home to talk to her about it - she's already moved out. Her mum gave me her number and I phoned her there, but she asked to talk about it in an e-mail because she's not good at discussing stuff like that on the phone. Well, I don't know, somehow the e-mail contact ended after one or two mails as well - I suggested I could take a trip to her current city and drop the books off with her. I miss her so much, but I feel like I can't say that to her because I'm the one who screwed up.

I'm thinking about sending her the books once I've got money again and putting a letter in it to tell her how I feel and apologize. I don't know... On one hand that's what I really want to do, on the other hand I guess I'm scared because once the books are gone I no longer have an excuse to think "Well, I guess I should write to her" or something.

Sorry for ranting on and on, but I'm really bad at letting people close enough to talk with them about stuff like this in person, and I trust you guys here - it just had to get out now.

What would you do? I guess I should just let go of the thought of getting into contact with her again, I feel so stupid for clinging to it for so long... I don't know. I have a hard time making really close friends due to years of being bullied. I just had no one to really talk about it, I guess. Even my closest friends I still have trouble talking about this with.

Gosh, I think I need to get back to making that salad... thanks for reading, guys...
 

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I think rather than making attempts to contact her on some pretext, then letting them fizzle out, you should just send her what you wrote here and let her see the truth. If she doesn't reciprocate your feelings then it's time to try and move on, but you never know, she could be feeling the same way. I think you have nothing to lose so be honest and see what happens.

 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kjesta View Post

I tried making contact a few times but somehow it never really worked out, I guess she's sick of me... Although she's never said so. I don't know.
Quote:
a few months ago I phoned her home to talk to her about it - she's already moved out. Her mum gave me her number and I phoned her there, but she asked to talk about it in an e-mail because she's not good at discussing stuff like that on the phone. Well, I don't know, somehow the e-mail contact ended after one or two mails as well
I think that these two quotes may give an indication that this relationship wasn't meant to be. I think you would be doing yourself more of a favour if you looked to the future now Kjesta.
I'm sorry to hear that you were bullied so bad that you have trouble making friends. Have you thought about working that issue through with a counsellor or psychologist?
 

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It makes a lot of sense that you would want to hold on and be hung up about it, because how you've explained it it sounds as if she isn't just a person, but an event in your life as you were discovering your sexuality, and it's probably quite hard to separate the two. I think you should let the books go, and send her a letter if you must, but don't expect anything. It's unfair on both of you to keep pursuing her.

Also, your peers are cruel if they don't think you're attractive purely because of your height or your face. There's more to being pretty than being the correct height or having good cheekbones. Perhaps you're right to be looking for someone to accept you as-is, but that doesn't mean to look into your past for that person. I understand social anxiety and being hung up on exes, so I really hope you can gain confidence in yourself and move on, no-one deserves to be in the place you are.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Earthling, I think I will do that. I don't think anymore that it will really change anything, but I'm a big believer in having to say things out loud, sometimes even if only to make room in the own mind. I'll send a letter with the books, but I guess I won't be expecting to get an answer.

Nishani, I suck in general at keeping in contact over a distance... Even with my Australian host family, who I love dearly and where I stayed for five months, I write very rarely... I don't know, I'm just no good at writing and waiting for an answer instead of talking directly. I'm not good at phoning either, there's very few people (even of my closer girlfriends) that I can stand talking to for longer times on the phone. :/ But I won't fool myself here, I guess.
I haven't thought of a psychologist yet... I don't know, I often also have the feeling that I actually am very open to people, but somehow I must be more socially awkward than I notice myself, because in groups I always end up as some kind of outsider, even where I make good friend. I suppose I'm too odd for a lot of people. With relationships I wouldn't even know where to start looking... I don't much like clubbing (only rarely and I often can't stand the music and smoking and I always end up the only one not drunk) and I don't know where I'd meet people. I really suck at this social stuff, even though I always considered myself to be a kind person... I don't know, of late I get the idea that in terms of social situations I just can't judge where I am. Am I being social or weirding other people out? Small talk isn't my thing, either...

Kappa, thanks for saying that it's unfair - I think it really is, and of course I can't keep clinging to the past forever. I guess it's just like you said, she really wasn't just a person, she was my first girlfriend and my best geek friend and the writer I admired the most for years and so on... Having someone like her to hang out with was really a revelation back then, I suppose. The only other time I've really met people on that level again have been in Australia on exchange, and of course I can't just go back there now.
I think my self-esteem is really weird. On one hand I think I'm really full of myself, I'm take great pride in being an artist, in dancing, in being a kind person, in my writing. I'm my own biggest fan, really. And I've come to accept myself a great deal and even when people make fun of me, I have no problem flipping them off and standing up for my opinions. On the other hand I feel like with my opinions and hundreds of hobbies and interests I'm just too odd for everyone else, I don't fit in when people suggest to go hang out at a bar or something - I just feel awkward at times like that. As I said above, I really don't know where I stand sometimes. It's like I'm constantly between extremes, on the one hand thinking that I'm a person I'm really proud of and on the other hand wondering what I'm doing wrong that I just can't fit in. I keep clinging a little to the idea that maybe I'm just in the wrong place because in Australia I did have lots of friends who I could talk with, who were interested in me, who I could have sleepovers with and so on. I just don't know.

Sorry that my writing is so ramble-y and disconnected, it's pretty late and I guess I just suck at discussing stuff like this
Thank you all for taking the time to read and respond, though.
 

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Kjesta, I hope you come to some conclusion about it. I know what you mean, as my ex made a huge impact on me. I became a vegetarian while I was going out with him. The events of 2010 and January 2011 pretty much turned my life upside down. I imagine all this will remain unresolved for years for me, especially when it was only last year.

That is what can happen with these sorts of things, unfortunately... for you though it has been four years, perhaps the time is coming now that you will be able to examine things properly, what happened.

It was your first love after all, not something easy to forget. I think perhaps you need to try and work out what it is you need to move on with your life...
 

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The world spins and all I can do is wonder, why we dont all fall off into space. When I think of lovers of the past I think... damn why did I even bother in the first place :) So dispare not there are plenty of fish in the pet store. Much easier to catch them there than in the ocean I never understood that saying. Time to change and move with the times or youll end up at the beach wondering where all the fish have gone... damn over fishing???? Sorry what were we talking about?
 

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it's really rare to still not get over someone for four long years. i think you should strive to look for someone new or something to focus on. it is a little harsh but i want to be honest in saying that crying over something that seems to be hopeless is a complete waste of time and energy. it also doesn't help that she seems to have a very low self esteem. instead of focusing on the ex that has been gone for so long, i suggest that she do things to improve herself; have a makeover-learn a new sport - you know stuff for self development. i am sure the moment she begins to love herself, other people would see how beautiful she is and she would soon find the love of her life and be happy. Good luck and God bless.
 

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Kjesta, I'm in your position too, but I always think it would be a bad decision to contact her so I just try to focus on the future.

I do want to say good luck, though. Maybe check out meetup and find groups with themes that you enjoy? Any sports or hobbies you really like? Nothing breaks the ice easier than talking about something you love.
 

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I'm 30 now, and I still sometimes stop what I'm doing moan, whimper, hit my head on the wall, and even get a little teary over opportunities that I let slip through my fingers because I was an idiot who didn't know what I had at the time.

Old memories and feelings have a way of bubbling up at random as we go about our lives. I'll suddenly feel angry at a male ex I was with for four years who was abusive towards me...even though it ended 8 years ago. My first girlfriend ever dumped me for some guy she met at a party that I took her to....and at random the hurt will bubble up in my thoughts even though that was 14 years ago.

12 years ago I never told my best friend (girl) that I'd fallen in love with her. I wound up with Mr. Abusive instead.

I have plenty of other regrets, but I don't want to write a novel in this thread.

*** Even if/when you do "get over" her, those feelings of regret are going to bubble up here in your mind probably for the rest of your life. As you move through life, there are going to be other experiences that cause pain, regret, loss, etc...that will haunt you. What is important is that you teach yourself to let the past live in the past. The present and the future are far more deserving of your affections. If you truly think that there is a real chance that she can be in your present or your future, then give it one last shot. If not, then she needs to live in your past.
 

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It is hard when any relationship ends. I think the best advice I can give you here would be to try to remember the reasons the relationship didn't work and ultimately fizzled each time when you start thinking about the good times. Some friends and most lovers weren't meant to last, we take what we can from the experience and who we were at the time they knew us, work on it and try to make it better the next go. Usually the partner who lasts comes along when you aren't looking and least expect it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18gDQU2gNkg
 

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I would maybe send the letter with the books, and see if she gets back in contact. If she does not then she has moved on, and there is the closure that you need.
I really feel for you, it sucks to be hung up on some-one for so long. You sound like you are still young, I would say that there will be plenty of opportunities to meet new people as your life progresses, after my last break up I was single for 3 years, and I finally someone I thought was worth seeing and would be good for me. Don't settle for just anyone because you will never be happy. Maybe take up a new hobby as a way of meeting new people, and don't let the opinions of others give you a complex about your appearance. Stay strong and good luck.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kjesta View Post

Nishani, I suck in general at keeping in contact over a distance... Even with my Australian host family, who I love dearly and where I stayed for five months, I write very rarely... I don't know, I'm just no good at writing and waiting for an answer instead of talking directly. I'm not good at phoning either, there's very few people (even of my closer girlfriends) that I can stand talking to for longer times on the phone. :/ But I won't fool myself here, I guess.
I haven't thought of a psychologist yet... I don't know, I often also have the feeling that I actually am very open to people, but somehow I must be more socially awkward than I notice myself, because in groups I always end up as some kind of outsider, even where I make good friend. I suppose I'm too odd for a lot of people. With relationships I wouldn't even know where to start looking... I don't much like clubbing (only rarely and I often can't stand the music and smoking and I always end up the only one not drunk) and I don't know where I'd meet people. I really suck at this social stuff, even though I always considered myself to be a kind person... I don't know, of late I get the idea that in terms of social situations I just can't judge where I am. Am I being social or weirding other people out? Small talk isn't my thing, either...
Lots of people on this board have said that they don't like small talk but IMO, what they really mean is that they are shy and anxious about doing it because they are worried that they will say something stupid or run out of things to say and will end up feeling awkward, so they try to avoid it.

Small talk is actually a very necessary social skill and it's difficult to meet people and introduce yourself without it. If you don't keep practising it, you might find it increasingly difficult to make friends because you can never get past that first hurdle of getting to know each other. When you get that "grr small talk is boring" feeling, try to push through it because the benefits of having friends and very worth it. (well, most friends, heh
some of them end up being a PITA sometimes.


Quote:
I keep clinging a little to the idea that maybe I'm just in the wrong place because in Australia I did have lots of friends who I could talk with, who were interested in me, who I could have sleepovers with and so on. I just don't know.
Not that I'm biased or anything
but Aus is a great place to grow up and a fun place for teenagers (generally speaking). My parents dragged me away from here for a few years and I was never really happy until I came home again so I understand how you must feel. Is there anyway you could get back here? Have you considered doing some kind of traineeship to get a visa?
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Thanks everyone. I guess it's really over with this relationship, but I'll still send her the books - I'm extremely anal when it comes to giving things back and books especially! I'd want my books back from someone even a decade after I'd last seen them, so she'll definitely have them back.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nishani View Post

Lots of people on this board have said that they don't like small talk but IMO, what they really mean is that they are shy and anxious about doing it because they are worried that they will say something stupid or run out of things to say and will end up feeling awkward, so they try to avoid it.

Small talk is actually a very necessary social skill and it's difficult to meet people and introduce yourself without it. If you don't keep practising it, you might find it increasingly difficult to make friends because you can never get past that first hurdle of getting to know each other. When you get that "grr small talk is boring" feeling, try to push through it because the benefits of having friends and very worth it. (well, most friends, heh
some of them end up being a PITA sometimes.
I'm not really scared of small talk - I'm a huge chatterbox, actually. My problem is that I'm just too much of an oddball for most people, I have too many unorthodox opinions and hobbies and random things that I say and somehow the other party always seems to end up feeling awkward which makes me awkward. IDK. But I can't just make myself be different, I don't even want to, so I'm never sure where I am with small talk.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
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Originally Posted by Nishani View Post

Okaaaaaaay.
What I meant to say was, I'm not scared of talking and I can be really chatty - but it always ends up in a kind of awkward situation and I don't enjoy it much. Can also be very boring because, like with telephone conversations, I get bored very easily. Just babbling random thing does not good smalltalk make! XD
 

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I'd say this is more about that feeling of dicovering yourself/having strong feelings and an intense relationship with someone else, and having that feeling of really being wanted by another person than it is about specifically that person. First love so to speak is hard enough as is, and you haven't had a ton of new experiences that compare to that first one so of course it is going to still stand out against the rest of your life and you are going to think of it often. I mean, relationships are one of the great joys and pains in our life and they complicate everything infinately. Just the nature of them, especially your first and only one can be intense and unforgettable, but combining that with the whole self discovery, ohmygoshilikegirls part of your life makes it harder. I have been where you are. Litterally. When I was 15 I fell in love with a girl and I dated her for a year, but we hurt eachother and I left partially because I was scared. I missed her for YEARS. I kept all her letters. On and off I tried to make contact but it fizzled and I pulled away. I did date other people, sex, relationships, new experiences, the works. Nothing else compared. Until finally something made the brightness of that first love and self dicovery seem faded and distant. I'm happily married now. I don't think of her often but i'm glad I moved on and gave myself a chance to find happiness. Give it time. Life is such a beautifula nd painful experience but we only get to appreciate it once. I can look back on the time I spent with her and see how it affected who I am now and I wouldn't change a thing.

Good luck.
 

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I'm going to be blunt and as gentle as possible here, because this is what I do good at.

What you have here is something that is really unhealthy and is not letting you get on with your life.

When we're young, we get friendships and relationships that are good and lovely at the time, and we obviously want to hold onto them as long as possible. As we grow older and move on with our lives, people sadly slip away and out of our lives. And it's truly for the best. If the girl isn't interested, she's isn't interested. Flat out. I've been where you've been, with a boy who I thought I loved, and I tried to cling onto him for a long time. It wasn't ever going to work out, and I kept trying to make it happen. It caused me more damage to keep pursuing it rather than to move on. That boy did damage me, but after a while of being upset about losing him, I realized I had to move on because it was keeping me back.

What you are doing is unhealthy. You have established that you're still interested, which is usually okay, but not always welcome. By contacting your ex, and trying to pursue talking and a potential relationship again, you have stated your intentions. The problem is that this girl does not seem to be interested, despite you trying to rekindle a relationship. Continuing to try to pursue her is unhealthy for you, and frankly, a little creepy. This mental roadblock has basically stopped you from moving on, and it's time to start that process. The end of a relationship always means there has to be time to heal, and you have had a long time to start to heal.

What this means is that you need to start healing today, not tomorrow or next week. You've spent a long time trying to heal, and you need some guidance. Seeking professional help with a counselor or therapist is a wonderful option because they will give you help to get over the past relationship and to find self worth. Therapy is pretty scary at first and it can be overwhelming, but it really helps to have a pro help you examine how you can change yourself and have healthy relationships.

They can also help you realize that you're awesome. Hear that? You are awesome and pretty. Self worth issues are common, and therapy totally helps. And getting back into dating helps as well, it shows that yeah, people are interested. Joining an online dating site sounds kind of weird, but really is a great place for shy people to meet. I've had success with it, and I met my boyfriend online. It works.

So, my advice to you is this: seek professional help, realize that you are a pretty and desirable person, and start trying to date again.
 
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