Starting preschool?

nowoutonvinyl · Aug 3, 2006

So Ive been thinking of starting my daughter in preschool. But there is one problem. Shes never been to day care or anywhere without me except at her grandmas. I cant imagine what it would be like for her to just drop her off with a bunch of strangers at preschool. 
She does go to a play group on occasion but she sticks pretty close to me the whole time. Shes super shy and pretty much runs when the other kids get to close to her. 
Ok so to any of you who have kids in preschool or day care how did you do it? Do they some how let your kid get to know the teachers before you leave them?

Treklady · Aug 3, 2006

I was lucky enought to either be able to saty home or to have a schedule that was condusive for me to be with my children during the day (I worked nights until they went to the public school system) so that I did not have to drop them off with, as you put it, a bunch of strangers. 
My sons autism was much worse as a child and I had him in school only because he needed early intervention, if not, he would have been home with who? His mommy. 
My daughter was, and still is (even at nearly 13) very clingy and does not like being around a group of strangers. She would have freaked out if I had plopped her in a building full of no one she knew. I was blessed to have the ablity to be with my children during their formidable years. To coin a familiar phrase: There's no place like home. 
I know I am always more comfortable in my own surroundings, so are most children. Good luck in your decision making!

zoebird · Aug 3, 2006

i would try this: 
start by asking a playgroup mom if she would 'babysit' your daughter for a few hours a couple times a week and 'trade' with her. That way, she knows the kids and the mom. 
then, see if you can utilize short-term day care facilities like those in gyms or churches/temples while you go away for the short time. 
and then perhaps consider day care a few times a week. 
and then finally enter her into preschool. 
OR 
consider homeschool.

hazardblisss · Aug 3, 2006

My son will be starting Montessori pre-school in two weeks. At first, there will be a series of half-days where the children get accustomed to their new environment and their new teachers, but after that the full day program begins. Parents are not allowed to drop in during the transition period because it stresses out the children and interrupts their routine. 
Honestly, if I couldn't send my son to a high quality pre-school, I would do whatever I could to stay home with him. Perhaps you could give pre-school a shot, and if your daughter is not ready or shows signs of stress, just pull her out and try again the next year.

rabid_child · Aug 3, 2006

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by zoebird <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a> 
OR 
consider homeschool.</div>
</div>
 
I would disagree with homeschooling in this situation. Unfortunately, in life, we must eventually be integrated into the greater population and function as part of society in some capacity or another, or be completely dependent on another person/the government. Children need to interact socially with other children, and without the presence of their parents, in order to develop into well functioning independent beings who can resolve conflict, deal with disappointment, compromise with someone who isn't looking out for your best interest etc... 
Have you considered asking your daughter how she'd feel about going to school? Maybe get some play school things, like a chalkboard, some marble notebooks, a pointer, etc... and play school with her at home for a while to get used to the idea. When you're out doing every day things, integrate the idea of school with other activities. Like when you go grocery shopping and are in the snack isle talk about what she would bring to snack time to share if she was in school and it was her snack day. Or look at lunchboxes, and bookbags, and school supplies, and just talk about school related things so it isn't a foreign concept for her. I was a clingy/shy kid when I started preschool, and I cried the first day, then I saw that the teacher made some other crying kid take a nap (not in a mean way!), and I didn't want to, so I stopped crying and found a toy to play with instead <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/tongue3.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="

"> If you are looking at preschools in the area, bring her along to see the schools. If there is someone in her playgroup that she's friendly with, see if she is going to preschool and where and see if you can get them into the same class so there is a familiar face. OR if she goes and you're not ready for that step, talk about how her friend goes to preschool and what she does there. You could even start small and, in playgroup, with another mother there you trust to look after her, arrange so you can leave to room without her for just a minute or two at a time, so she sees you can leave and come back and it will be ok. Preschool is a first "mommy free" experience for a lot of kids, and plenty will cry and be scared and be clingy at first, and that's normal. Part of trusting you has to be learning that you will always come back for her. While it might be upsetting at first, I doubt it will inflict any long-term mental health problems or adjustment disorders!

healthnut32 · Aug 3, 2006

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by zoebird <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a> 
OR 
consider homeschool.</div>
</div>
 <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/pibo.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="

ibo:"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/dancingbanana.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":nana:">

MaryC1999 · Aug 3, 2006

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by rabid_child <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a> 
I would disagree with homeschooling in this situation. Unfortunately, in life, we must eventually be integrated into the greater population and function as part of society in some capacity or another, or be completely dependent on another person/the government. Children need to interact socially with other children, and without the presence of their parents, in order to develop into well functioning independent beings who can resolve conflict, deal with disappointment, compromise with someone who isn't looking out for your best interest etc... </div>
</div>
 
I don't think we need to push independance at, what, four? That's a tad young imo. Also I think kids need to interact with other children without parental interference which is a lot different than without their parents. I think this idea that you can only be an independant, functioning adult if you're away from your parents starting at 3 or 4 is a little foreign to me. 
That said, since the decision for preschool has already been made, I'm not trying to talk anyone out of it. 
How old is your daughter? The babysitting idea is ok if you know the moms really well but it could backfire. School settings often work better for apprehensive kids because of the structure though. There are lots of things to keep them busy from the time you leave until you return. If your daughter is too young to be attending kindergarden next year, I would probably try other ways to foster some independence. Preschool might be overwhelming to a really young child who already has some shyness issues. Know that this does pass for most kids. My twins were REALLY clingy at 3 but are ok with being left at summer camp or the museum for trips now at 5. We just took it at their pace. 
If she's close to school age and you really fear she won't react well to kindergarden (trust me kindy teachers are used to the crying and leg hugging though) you can try preschool. I know around me most of them have a "meet the teacher" day where you bring in your child and their teacher to be talks to them and shows them around the room. You can also probably call ahead and ensure that your child can meet the teacher with you there. It IS scary to be in a new place when you don't know anyone. At least this way she'll have felt like she knows someone in the room. Be prepared for some crying anyway though. She won't like the idea of you leaving. 
Does she do well with relatives? Is it just the thought of being with strangers or the thought of you leaving, period? If she does well with relatives and seems at ease as long as she knows someone well, I wouldn't say she has a dependancy issue, I would say she's a normal preschooler. They've realized that the world can sometimes be dangerous and they know they're too little to brave it completely by themselves. 
If it's just the thought of YOU leaving that terrifies her, you can ask someone very patient, like grandma, to watch her for you. If your relatives don't live nearby, maybe a family friend that you are close to and she knows well. You can also check childrens museums for toddler/preschooler classes. Usually they have them with or with guardians. You can start with and once she knows where she is, graduate to without. At home you can explain to her that you are leaving the room but you want her to stay there. Reward her with a big hug and lots of "What a big girl!" when she does it. She won't the first 100 times but eventually she will. Start with only disappearing for maybe a minute. Then 5, 10, 15. Make it gradual and pretty soon she'll be so used to you leaving the room that she won't even look up. 
Also realize some kids are just shy. Some adults are just shy. Shyness isn't an ailment, it's just a personality quirk. It's not a bad thing nor does it mean she's destined to be a unsuccessful adult still living at home with no job. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="

"> 
Mary 
<---shy adult

nowoutonvinyl · Aug 3, 2006

thanks for all the responses. as far as homeschool thats really not an option. the whole reasoning behind me sending her to preschool besides basic learning of course is to expose her to other kids. besides her play group shes never around other kids. 
i dont really know any of the moms at play group. i'm about socially enept as my daughter (wonder where she gets it huh? ha). plus we dont get to go that often. so i wouldnt feel comfortable asking one of the moms to watch her. 
Wysty is only 2 3/4 so i could try explaining school to her but i doubt she would know what i was talking about. 
do any schools let the parents come for like the first day or something?

nowoutonvinyl · Aug 3, 2006

oh as far as relatives, she spends TONS of time with both her grandparents and dosent have a problem when i leave her with them.

rabid_child · Aug 3, 2006

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by MaryC1999 <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a> 
I don't think we need to push independance at, what, four? That's a tad young imo. Also I think kids need to interact with other children without parental interference which is a lot different than without their parents. I think this idea that you can only be an independant, functioning adult if you're away from your parents starting at 3 or 4 is a little foreign to me.</div>
</div>
 
I would agree with you there. I interpreted that statement as homeschooling forever -- not just staying home as an older toddler. I don't think homeschooling for an entire school career to avoid having to interact with other people is a smart choice. 
She is a bit young for preschool yet. Is there any way you could attend playgroup more often as a start? Or join a mommy-and-me sort of interactive thing? Maybe a program at the library where you go to storytime together or something? It sounds like you think it could be beneficial if she saw you interacting with people more! A playgroup would probably be an easy place to start up a conversation with another mom. You have something in common right away!

misq17 · Aug 4, 2006

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by rabid_child <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a> 
She is a bit young for preschool yet. Is there any way you could attend playgroup more often as a start? Or join a mommy-and-me sort of interactive thing? Maybe a program at the library where you go to storytime together or something? It sounds like you think it could be beneficial if she saw you interacting with people more! A playgroup would probably be an easy place to start up a conversation with another mom. You have something in common right away!</div>
</div>
 
R_C had a great idea about local mommy-and-me type programs. It will be a great way for your daughter to learn to interact with other kids and to have fun with you. I'm always seeing signs up for these types of classes in my area (some of them are even free), they have them for everything from swimming, to yoga, to arts and crafts. 
Finding a babysitter whom you trust and going out once in a while would also be a good way to get your daughter used to you being seperated for a few hours at a time.

MaryC1999 · Aug 4, 2006

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by nowoutonvinyl <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a> 
thanks for all the responses. as far as homeschool thats really not an option. the whole reasoning behind me sending her to preschool besides basic learning of course is to expose her to other kids. besides her play group shes never around other kids. 
i dont really know any of the moms at play group. i'm about socially enept as my daughter (wonder where she gets it huh? ha). plus we dont get to go that often. so i wouldnt feel comfortable asking one of the moms to watch her. 
Wysty is only 2 3/4 so i could try explaining school to her but i doubt she would know what i was talking about. 
do any schools let the parents come for like the first day or something?</div>
</div>
 
Ok you're just expecting way too much from a toddler imo. She is REALLY young. If she has no problem staying with other people for any length of time, I would say she is certainly not a clingy kid. Most kids her age do NOT play with other kids. They do something called parallel play for quite a while. They may play around other kids but barely acknowledge their presence. It's not shyness, it's normal. I would definitely say preschool is not a very good option in this case. 
You only occasionally hit the playgroup? You can't really expect her to build a relationship somewhere if you don't go often. If you want her to start reaching out to other kids you'll need to make an effort to make sure she is in a situation where she is interacting with other kids regularly. Bring her to the group and let her sit by you the first few times. If other kids come towards you model proper behavior by saying "Hi! My name is ____ and this is ___. How are you?". Of course a toddler won't say that but you're setting up the foundation for what she should say/do when approached by someone she doesn't know. If you still find shyness is an issue in 2 or so years you can start roleplaying with her. One of my sons has a sensory disorder and high functioning autism so I've done lots of roleplaying with him. He has a hard time reading people's emotions and body language so we work on pretending we're new friends a lot. I pretend to be a new kid he wants to meet and I help him identify when people aren't interested in what he is saying, how to maintain eye contact and how to approach people and introduce himself. It's helped him a lot but we've had to roleplay like thousands of times (I'm barely exaggerating lol). 
Right now, though, it sounds like she's doing fine. Really I wouldn't worry. Preschool seems like a drastic move to me. I would try preschool more like around 4. 
*****************please note this post is supposed to read informative and helpful, not rude or mean********************** 
Just in case. 
Mary 
ETA In case you feel silly talking like that to other little kids, I've been doing it since my twins were able to walk and talk and they introduce themselves to adults even (sometimes even remember the handshake lol) and they also 90% of the time say please, thank you and excuse me without being prompted. They're 5 now. It's all really a matter of what you model. Consistently. Of course I don't know what they do when I'm not there but I've never heard anything but compliments on how absolutely wonderful they are to have around. So don't feel silly!

nowoutonvinyl · Aug 4, 2006

Ok well maybe i'll wait until next year when she is old enough for pre k. I looked and last year they had 3 kids in the class so i guess i wouldnt have to worry about her being overwhelmed ha. Plus its still the same teacher that i had when I was a kid so i know shes nice. 
but still. i have been looking into getting a part time job in the future which would mean she would have to go to day care. which is the same problem all over again.

zoebird · Aug 7, 2006

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by rabid_child <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a> 
I would disagree with homeschooling in this situation. Unfortunately, in life, we must eventually be integrated into the greater population and function as part of society in some capacity or another, or be completely dependent on another person/the government. Children need to interact socially with other children, and without the presence of their parents, in order to develop into well functioning independent beings who can resolve conflict, deal with disappointment, compromise with someone who isn't looking out for your best interest etc...</div>
</div>
 
as has been established in innumerable conversations on this board, homeschooling is NOT about social isolation or not integrating individuals into society. 
homeschoolers have a number of opportunities for children to gather and work together in groups--and this mother already mentions one in which she is already involved, indicating that she is already socializing her child. 
school is not the only method to help a child integrate and socialize, as well as learn to resolve conflict, deal with disappointment and compromise. These things do happen at home and when we participate in our larger community in a variety of ways--not just through school. 
therefore, homeschooling is a viable option. 
I was not saying that she should or must homeschool--and that there are other pathways to introduce her to others that are viable--but that it is a viable option that meets the individual (and social) needs of the child.

Bonoluvr · Aug 7, 2006

<---------- Homeschooling mama to a very socially integrated independent 6 yo and a 3 yo who is well on his way. 
I just love when people who probably dont even have kids and dont know the first thing about homeschooling or homeschooling families give advice on it! 
That said, to the OP, I think your dd is too young for preschool, when in actuality it would just be day care, and if you dont HAVE to put her in daycare dont. These are the formative years, she needs to be with YOU. But you need to make the effort to get her out there, I live in one of the smallest towns in Massachusetts but we do have a moms group, we have playgroups, story time at the library, a playground filled with kids, town activities like soccer and swimming, etc etc. 
my kids both go to gymastics and my dd goes to dance as well. 
We get involved in activities at local places like science centers, museums, etc...........you just have to look and see what is out there, 
My kids are more socially adept then their mom most likely..........LOL........ 
Kids are only young for a short time, they need US to guide them and be with them. Not strangers, Who loves your daughter more than you? Who is more concerned with her development than YOU? 
good luck!

colorful · Aug 7, 2006

I don't know if you have this in your area, but I've been involved in a cooperative preschool with my oldest (just turned 3) since last fall. For the 2's class, preschool meets 2x/week for 2 hours each. Half the parents stay at preschool on one day, and the other half stay at preschool on the other day. This way there is a super high adult child ratio (there is a teacher in addition to all the parents) and you only drop your child off one day per week to begin with. Plus if we wanted we could stay both days, which some of the parents did almost all years because their children weren't ready to separate. 
Next year we'll be in the 3's class which meets 3 days/week - I'll be in class one of the days and drop him off 2 days/week. Classes are still only 2 hours. The 4's class is still 3 days/week but it meets for 3 hour sessions. The idea is to gradually get children comfortable with being in a school setting with the comfort of having a lot of familiar adults around in the process. Also, for the parents, there's a parent educator that holds a parent meeting once a month to discuss parenting issues and offer suggestions. I find that really helpful, and have made some great friends in the process. There are a lot of cooperative preschools in my area to choose from so maybe there's something like that where you live? The other plus is it's a LOT cheaper than drop-off preschool because they don't have to pay so many teachers, and parents rotate other jobs like bringing snack, making playdough, etc. Overall, coop preschool has been a really great experience for both of us. 
HTH! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="

">

zoebird · Aug 7, 2006

the coop idea sounds awesome. how did it get started or was it already started and you got involved? 
(and as an aside, i don't have kids--yet, i think/hope/assume--but that doesn't mean that i can't be at least somewhat knowledgeable about parent-child stuff. not experienced, but not without some knowledge. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="

"> )

Edamommy · Aug 7, 2006

Well, this is our experiance. I was a sahm for almost 3 years. The first 2 years of ds's life we lived far away from family/friends and rarely went to playgroups. He did mingle w/ kids during trips to the playground. But, that's it. He self-weaned a bit before 3 years and I went on the job hunt and got a job. We had moved back to near my family/friends. Luckily a dear friend of mine opened an at-home daycare. Bay hasn't / hadn't even been left with a babysitter of any type for more than an hour maybe a handful of times. We told Bay that I got a job and that his new job would be to go to daycare and play w/ his friends all day. Day one, I dropped him off- he gave me a hug and a kiss and that's that! He was fine. Since, we've change providers as my old one decided to not do it again. Bay is BORED at the new place as he's the oldest and he's excited to be on the list at the local pre-school. 
My suggestion is to explain this all to the child. In simple but normal (grown up) language she can understand. Take her to meet and hang out at the preschool of your choice before signing her up. 
Don't seem nervous yourself- and your child won't.

healthnut32 · Aug 7, 2006

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by Bonoluvr <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a> 
My kids are more socially adept then their mom most likely..........LOL........ 
Kids are only young for a short time, they need US to guide them and be with them. Not strangers, Who loves your daughter more than you? Who is more concerned with her development than YOU? 
good luck!</div>
</div>
 
Same here-I'm a bit shy, but my kids are very friendly and love meeting new people. Bonoluvr, I really wish we lived in the same area. Our families sound so similar.

bethanie · Aug 9, 2006

I think the coop idea sounds awesome colorful! I've heard of that happening and would love to see it happen more often. 
I'm a prek teaching assistant and i used to work in daycare. My feeling is that if you feel she is not getting enough time with other people and would like her to be more social...either find a few more playdate groups, or....a few mornings a week in a high quality daycare or prek setting (I'm assuming from what you've said that she is too young for prek). I have a good friend who has her daughter in a church prek program just two days a week. It gives mommy a much needed break from clingy daughter, and it gives daughter more chances to interract. It has been my experience...even with shy children (esp with shy children) that the more chances they have at independent (from parents) interraction, the more fluent and confident they can become at social graces. this doesn't mean she'll go from wall-flower to party girl...but that it will help her emotionally to know that she's okay when you aren't around...and that you'll be back momentarily. I think shy children need more time and help/encouragement in making these transitions....so my advice should you decide to start her in a program would be to visit the program without her, once you feel you've selected the right program for your needs. see what goes on during the day...not just how the teachers act (bad teachers tend to change their behavior when parents are in the room), but how the children act. You can usually tell if the children are well balanced and happy in the classroom by their own interractions with each other, the materials and the teacher. Meaning, are they mostly interested in getting caught up in behavior issues...or are the mostly interested in playing/working, listening and participating while behavior issues are on the outskirts or not presented. You can usually spot that difference right away. Observe how the chilren respond to the teacher....children are pretty open about their feelings, and you'll be able to tell a lot about the teacher from the children's reactions and actions toward her. 
Next, take your daughter on a tour of the school. sit in her perspective classroom without the expectation that she jump up and start playing. Not for a long time, just for a little while. Introduce her to the teacher, get the names of a few of the children (so you can refrence them as her new friends in pre-game conversations). After this, take her out to lunch or to a favorite park so she associates the school experience with another special activity. Mark the day on the calendar that she will start (if after everything you've decided this is the right program for you guys) and have low key preparatory talks about the program...for instance, that you will take her there to play for a few hours and then come back to get her when she's done playing. 
Now...first day....the most important thing you can do for your daughter is to leave well and quickly. If ever there was something to share with parents, it is this. Do not make the experience difficult on your child by hanging around or allowing her to cling to you after you've said your parting words. very kindly and compassionately say your goodbyes, i love yous and i'll be back in a little while...and allow the teacher to take it from there. teary children generally cry for five minutes or less and good teachers will always help integrate them into the group and support them through the process of being upset about the new situation. If you stay on too long, you take away from us the ability to get to know your child right away and to help them feel comfortable in the setting without you. 
Last advice....first day of prek....after you drop her off, do something very nice for yourself so that you can associate the experience with good. 
remember that prek and daycare programs are not created equally....so very important that you choose a quality program. quality does not always mean extra dollars, and extra dollars do not always = quality. 
b

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