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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
On Friday my b.f of 3 years broke up with me..<br><br>
It wasn't totally unexpected as it nearly happened a few weeks before, but we had agreed to try again.<br><br>
I feel very very confused. I love him to death, but I am no longer *in* love with him, and hadn't been for some time. He hasn't made it clear to me what he was feeling so I can't comment on his position. I feel devastated and very very sad, and yet also relieved.<br><br>
I know it was the right thing to happen but it still hurts, and I stupidly have feelings of anger and dissapointment despite not having been in love any more.<br><br>
And, I'm worried about how I will react when he meets someone new...I am by nature, a very jealous person, and can find it difficult to cover those feelings.<br><br>
I seem to be experiencing so many emotions right now, from being absolutely devastated, to being elated and in the mood to go out and party.<br><br><br><br>
I feel I would have found it easier if one of us had done something unforgivable that had culminated in a huge fight. Instead it was very civil....amicable even...but that makes it harder.<br><br><br><br>
I don't really know what I'm meant to do now... I feel almost guilty that I am not busy begging him to come back.<br><br>
I'm not sure if I should be enjoying being single, if I should be playing the field etc... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/help.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":help:">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":hug:"> The "grew apart" kind of breakups seem really hard. It sounds silly, but I understand what you mean about wishing there had been some sort of huge fight. It makes it easier to pinpoint the "fault".<br><br><br><br>
Don't feel guilty at all..you feel how you feel. Since it was an amicable breakup, perhaps there will be a time that you can even be friends.<br><br><br><br>
Also, playing the field is fine, but it's okay to take a break for awhile too, and just be with yourself, yes? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">
 

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this happened to me and my girlfriend after a couple years also. we broke up for 4 months, and in that time we both experienced what we needed to, and it also made us realize how much we love each other, and are meant for each other. i too went through these same feelings you are talking about.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":hug:"> I don't have much advice, Jen prtty much covered what I was going to say..<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":hug:">
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks guys.. I just needed to vent.<br><br>
I know that in the greater scheme of things a 3 year relationship isn't that long, but it is still a bit of shock to the system.
 

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Sorry, Schoska...I hope you do ok with it all. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":hug:">
 

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"civil" breakups can be good too though.<br><br><br><br>
give yourself some space - to get used to life without each other, but don't totally end communications.<br><br><br><br>
who knows, in several months you could be reminiscing about old times and telling each other about your current relationships.<br><br><br><br>
I wouldn't recommend dating this soon, rebounds aren't fun, give yourself time to get over him first before starting anew.<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br>
- and yeah, I was in a 5 year relationship that "grew apart" more or less. We still talk every so often. It's nice to know someone that really knows you - even if not romantically any more - you can still be good friends.<br><br><br><br>
/edit - and yeah it took about 9 months to get used to talking to her about her new boyfriend without feeling jealous.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>troub</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br><br>
- and yeah, I was in a 5 year relationship that "grew apart" more or less. We still talk every so often. It's nice to know someone that really knows you - even if not romantically any more - you can still be good friends.<br><br><br><br>
/edit - and yeah it took about 9 months to get used to talking to her about her new boyfriend without feeling jealous.</div>
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I think this must vary tremendously, then. I haven't been able to maintain a friendship with any of my ex's and have an ex from 10+ years ago I dread seeing at an upcoming reunion because he's married now and it makes me uncomfortable. Another ex of mine is married and I really don't care.<br><br><br><br>
I broke up with my bf of 2.5 years in late July, and saw him/spoke/communicated with him for the last time in mid September. I do not want to know anything about his romantic life. I don't want to talk to him. I am not mad, but I think friendship can be really hard to do until both of you have gotten completely over it. Any speculation about him and his life just makes things worse.<br><br><br><br>
Schoska- You are going to feel all kinds of things, just let it flow. Sometimes it feels good to feel angry or about the bad times, or the new opportunities that await, other times you might go to a certain store, restaurant, and think about good things and feel sad. A big mixture of thoughts and feelings will ebb and flow and I, at least, spent a lot of mental energy trying to come to a "conclusion" of what happened. I had to just let go and spend time thinking about my future. When I am more emotionally removed, I'll be better able to think about what happened and what was both good and bad about it.<br><br><br><br>
If you can pursue a new interest or create a new educational or career goal, that can help keep you going, too.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Schoska</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br><br>
I don't really know what I'm meant to do now.</div>
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I think you should mourn the loss of the relationship for a little bit at least.<br><br>
I think you need to analyze your support systems--how many friends do you have? How many of the friends you had when you were a couple were really "his" friends vs. "yours"? To whom can you turn in real life to talk about this with?<br><br><br><br>
On the other hand, how did you meet your ex? How did your friends meet their BFs? Maybe it is time to spend more time with friends and repair relationships that might have been a bit neglected when you were part of a couple. Then gradually get back into the social scene (activities where you might meet people) when you are ready.
 

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Schoska, <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":hug:"><br><br><br><br>
I've been there too. It's wierd when emotions are all jumbled up together, but like everyone was saying- that's totally normal and to be expected.<br><br><br><br>
I like Joe's comments. Do mourn the death of the relationship- but also celebrate the birth of a new part of your life, and the many new experiences that will be coming your way!
 

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One big, big benefit of being unattached is that decisions you had trouble making or were considering compromising on out of consideration for your relationship are no longer an issue.<br><br><br><br>
For example, I'm now thinking of applying to graduate schools all over the country. Wherever I go, I go. It was also nice not having to spend extra money for Christmas presents, I was already tight on cash.<br><br><br><br>
And if there was something you really didn't like about an ex, you can breathe a sigh of relief and imagine the next person to come along who is 100% free of that trait. "Oh Ben, it's so nice to finally sleep next to someone who doesn't snore."<br><br><br><br>
And I can be flirtatious with people again. That's nice.<br><br><br><br>
I know this all seems trivial when one is really sad about the breakup, but it's something to keep in mind.
 

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What should you do now? Whatever seems right to you - that might mean hiding away for a while and healing, or getting out and seeing other people. One of my friends and I both had relationships end within the past six months - neither of us is really ready to get out there again. We're doing some well-deserved moping (her word). My job is also keeping me busy enough that I'm distracted.<br><br><br><br>
My ex is engaged and planning a wedding this summer - I have plans to be elsewhere and therefore unable to attend, even though I'm a close friend of the family. I'm not ready to handle that. I do try to remember that I want him to be happy, though, and because of that I really hope it works out for him.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Thalia</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
I think this must vary tremendously, then. I haven't been able to maintain a friendship with any of my ex's and have an ex from 10+ years ago I dread seeing at an upcoming reunion because he's married now and it makes me uncomfortable. Another ex of mine is married and I really don't care.<br></div>
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skip the reunion? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/surprised.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":surprised"><br><br>
although thats probably taking a bit too far...<br><br><br><br>
but I know what you mean... I don't think I would be comfortable in the same room with both of them. Seeing them together and in person? Oy I don't think I could handle it.<br><br>
I still miss her for sure, miss her companionship. But on the phone it seems different........<br><br>
She was amazing - I thought to myself that she was the "second-best-person-for-me" but I knew her not being a vegan would have caused too many problems. I think if she <i>was</i> vegan, it would have been a lot harder to get over.<br><br><br><br>
the night we broke up, she wrote on a piece of paper "always in my heart" and hid it under my keyboard while I was in the bathroom. Which... actually i think made that night worse lol...<br><br><br><br>
...sigh
 

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I'm sorry to hear about your break up. Breaking up is hard to do (maybe I should write a song about that) no matter who initiates the break up and no matter how much sense it makes. I'm with the folks who feel that you should do what feels right to you. I worked through my last break up with a book of affirmations that were directed to people who had recently broken up. It gave me something new to think about each day, showed me other ways of looking at things and helped me learn from the relationship rather than repeating the same mistakes again.<br><br><br><br>
The bottom line for me is that everyone should be involved with someone who makes them happy and who they feel in love with. That isn't to say there will never be rough spots or there won't be times when it's difficult to feel the love. However you have to know it's there otherwise you're just existing with each other as opposed to being with each other.<br><br><br><br>
I hope you get through this with less difficulty than you expect and that you're able to take what you've learned towards the best relationship you'll ever have.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":hug:"><br><br><br><br>
I know how you feel... I just recently (3 months ago) ended a 3.5 year long relationship with my ex-bf... and the kicker was that he started dating someone else like a week later! Needless to say I was angry and hurt and all those fun emotions. I knew the breakup needed to happen, but it still sucked because when someone is so much a part of your life for that long, it seems weird suddenly imposing these boundaries that weren't there before.<br><br><br><br>
Good luck... if you need any more advice feel free to PM!
 

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Hi!<br><br>
I totally understand. My boyfriend and I broke up today too. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/sad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":("><br><br>
Kinda similar situation..we had grown apart and we had a lot of differences that caused a lot of issues between us. I actually broke up with him but I dont think he wanted to be with me anymore either. He wasnt treating me very well, it just so old. We DO love each other..and just like you it had almost happened a couple weeks before but we agreed to "try again"...it just hit a point where I KNEW I couldnt do it anymore. The bad outweighed the good and I needed out for my sanity.<br><br>
It hurts me too..I dont know what to say to help really...I feel so sad and alone and like a failure..but I also feel kinda free and relieved. I dont have any desires to get out there and be single and crazy and party and hook up with guys or anything (been there, done that) but I am really looking forward to quality time with good friends, LOTS of quiet time to myself, and to making lots of plans for my future, and for my own growth. It kinda excites me when I realize how MUCH energy was wasted every day worrying about him and I, it was probably seriously 3/4 of my overall energy and thought. Now I can put all of that into ME and MY life and bettering who I am. You should do the same. I kinda feel that if I work on myself, Ill end up attracting someone better and more right for me down the road. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"><br><br><br><br>
Hang in there..it hurts like hell but it will get easier...thats what Im trying to tell myself anyway. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"><br><br><br><br>
P.S. I know how you feel about being worried about seing him with someone else as well...I feel the exact same way. It hurts to think of my ex-love with someone else..he was mine..we were an "us" and now we arent. Thats life I guess.
 
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