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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
eh..this could be complicated and long winded..

About 2 months ago I met a really lovely guy and we got together and things were quite good, and then suddenly he became very distant and said things weren't going to work.

I was very upset, but I figured he'd just changed his mind.

Anyway, it turns out that this isn't the case. He's crazy about me (finally sorted this all out last night thanks to his flatmate). His distance and him backing off is due to him suffering from pretty severe depression.

It makes him quite introverted and along with all the normal depressive problems he worries non-stop, and he had backed off for fear of hurting me (yeah..if he'd explained all this we could have avoided the madness that ensued).

Anyway, we talked and are back on, seeing how things go. But he is really suffering at the moment.

I want to be able to help, but I don't know how.

This is particularly frustrating for a number of reasons.

1) I care about him so much, and it distresses me to see him in such pain.

2) I suffer from equally bad depression and I should therefore have seen this in him.

3) Because I have the same problem I should know how to help, but I don't!!

He is quite self destructive (thankfully not to the point of physical self harm), and is pushing away everyone at the moment. People back off, and that then makes him feel worse.

I've been there, done that (still do sometimes), got the t-shirt etc, but I'm at a total loss as to how to help him.

We have talked at length, and he is fully aware that I understand what he's going through, and that I am there for him in whatever capacity he needs.

I just wondered if anyone had any advice.

 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
He's been on meds before and they weren't particularly succesful and his doctor was unsupportive so he's reluctant to try again, but I did suggest it and he said he'd make an appoinment so I guess that's good.
 

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Unfortunately, I'm not sure if there is much else you can do. You seem to have done great by letting him know you care about him and that you are there for him. If he's not willing to reach out to you during the dark times, it's kind of hard to force him to. I agree with Life2k. He should be getting some professional help if he isn't already.

If it does reach the part of self harm, you can do an intervention. My son did it for a friend who was severely depressed and threatening suicide. The police came, took him to the hospital where he was admitted for a few weeks. He is doing much better now. That was 5 years ago! Good luck!
 

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first of all, I think what you've already done is wonderful. Everyone wants to hear that someone is there for them. Does he do a lot, or is his depression making him stay at home, etc? It sounds stupid but I know my mood improves when I get out of the house and do stuff, even though I really don't feel like I want to. Don't push him too much, but if you can make sure he gets dressed and eats and leaves the house every day, if he spends some time outdoors, it might help.

I don't really know what else to say. good luck.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Schoska View Post

He's been on meds before and they weren't particularly succesful and his doctor was unsupportive so he's reluctant to try again, but I did suggest it and he said he'd make an appoinment so I guess that's good.
Oopss. I was a bit too late with my post!
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
you guys are wonderful.

He does go out and do stuff which is good.

~I have so much admiration for him. Last night he met some of my friends and even though he finds these situations hard when he's down he made a big effort with everyone. It's more than I could have done in his situation.

It just breaks my heart. He's so talented, funny, incredibly kind and has so many people who love him dearly, but he can't see it.

I actually find it a bit scary too though.. I don't mean I'm afraid of him, but I can see him doing the things I did, and to be on the outside suddenly is very strange for me. It is disconcerting to see him the way people saw me.
 

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Stay close. We don't want to loose him. The depressed forgotten can rock around for years and then one day just end it all. One of my classmates did when we were 52. It left a hole in me that will never fill.
 

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"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit" (Psalm 34:18)

Some great advice already, but I thought that I would just say that I will keep your friend in prayer.

We must many times in life, traverse valleys to reach mountain peaks.

I pray he sees the light through the canopy of this forest of darkness, and moves closer still to the mountain basked in warmth.
 

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First of all, I want to say that I have depression alongside, shall we say, self distructive behaviour. I am sharing this so you know I know what I am talking about all too well.

Ok, I'm going to be a bit cruel to be kind here, please don't take any of the following to heart....Getting a psych is not as easy. I'm in the UK and here it is even harder and that makes me so crazy. But anyway... he has to want to get better, be meds compliant... and you gotta be prepared that things may get worse before they get better. I respect you for wanting to make it work but it will be no walk in the park. I have screwed up a few people on my journey (not deliberately) and you are going to need to be one hell of a rock. I understand cognative therapy is very effective in maladaptive behaviour, but for the actual depressive illness he will need medication and a sort of counselling talking therapy, to see if it stems from a psychological trauma. It may not. Some people are just more predisposed to depression than others. But that doesn't mean life will always be that way.

Good luck with everything, and if I can help you at all, please Pm me. xx
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Thank you all for your kind words and for your prayers.

vawny_la_veg, I'm in the UK so unfortunately I know how hard it is to get any kind of treatment for depression here - counselling, meds, therapists etc. It's a nightmare. I've been through part of the system myself, and it is a fiasco, although you can be lucky.

He is feeling quite a bit better at the moment for which I am incredibly thankful. He's now willing to go back to the Dr, and is feeling more positive and philosophical. It's going to be a long hard road, but I have every confidence in him. And he knows I'm there for him in whatever capacity he needs.

Thank you again
 

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You said you've been through a lot of it, as well. What was/is it that helped you?

I've been through three hospitalizations, years of medication & intensive therapy, etc. and actually am having trouble getting out the house myself these days, even though it ALWAYS helps when I can do it. Probably encouraging him to connect with a good therapist is the most important thing, I'd say.

He needs to have someone whose knowledge & experience make him feel secure about the medical part of things, but also he knows will always have his (not their own idea of how things should be) best interest at heart.
 

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Make sure he's getting all the vitamin B6 he needs plus Omega-3 fatty acids, the latter in particular have been shown by a number of clinical trials to be effective in treating depression in some sufferers. Supplements suitable for veg*ns are available (e.g. Vertese Flaxseed Oil (Omega 3) and Omega Oils 3 6 9 - can be ordered online or you may find them in Tesco or health food shops).

Above all just be there for him and make sure he knows you are there for him ... I'm sure you're doing that already anyway!
 

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I agree with a lot of what has been said...and also with badgerman here at the end. One thing that has helped my nine year old, who has anxiety issues as well as some depression, is omega-3 and counseling. One thing that also helps her (and for that matter me) is getting out and being in green spaces. Trees, forrests...walking, talking. Regularly exercising. I think balanced lifestyle and diet can really help people more than we realize. Turn off the tv and computers which put us on disconnect (not altogether, but learn to really moderate and schedule those events)...get out get out get out and be/do. I think a lot can change if we learn to start living well and doing self care....and also we need to learn to accept help instead of trying to be little islands.

B
 

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bethanie the lifestyle changes you mention would be so much more effective than a lot of medication for heart disease/strokes and diabetes. Even a lot of traditional medicine recognizes this.

It's one of the things that is so upsetting about the "we need animal testing for medications" argument. If we spent time energy & money on wellness programs we could eliminate the perceived dependence on most medications in use today. There's no doubt about it.
 

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Well, while I agree with all that's been said, some things can't be managed without meds. Especially heart disease and diabetes. My dad has heart disease and my bf has diabetes. If it weren't for their meds, they would both be dead.

But I think if you can do anything other than meds, thats great. And suppliments are a great idea in moderation. Although with a balanced diet you shouldn't need them.

Another thing is, though, exercise is good for depression (the release of endorphins) but you need to have motivation to exercise and it can become a catch-22 situation when you're depressed. And depression and anxiety are not really that similar.

Please no one freak out. This is just my opinion after training to be a nurse and being a user of the mental health system (such as it is.). And I know I stand alone with most of my opinions. xx
 
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