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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Okay... rant-ish moment and perhaps everyone can tell me if I'm over-reacting here.

Part of back story (written a bit in the heat of the moment) is here. See, she's always got something more important to do than spend time with her family... but then continuously complains that we are never there for her. I've risked my job to be there for her when he girls were born. My mom has battled against her panic attacks to drive to events the girls are at. We've made it to every one of my nieces birthday parties, most of their school plays or graduations, and numerous other little events. She visited my mom once while she was in the hospital after removal of half her lungs and has been to her apartment twice in the two years she's lived there. I've been in my home for many years (5?) now... I wouldn't need all the fingers on one hand to count how many times she's been here.

One example is this past Christmas Eve. Our family always gets together on Christmas Eve and this year it was scheduled for my mom's house. My sister informed us they couldn't make it, but rather than explaining why she just said, "We're doing something else." She later said they had to wrap the girls' gifts from Santa that night. The girls were with their dad for two days before Christmas Eve and weren't coming back until Christmas night. I call bull****. Why couldn't you have told us this before rather than "something else?"

She's engaged now to what will be her second husband. She doesn't see it yet, but he is just a re-packaging of her ex. They are broke, living off assistance and he won't get a job. They are planning a $20,000 wedding in six months. She tried to keep a lower budget but he said he wouldn't get married if they couldn't have the $1500 lighted dance floor and open bar. She's pregnant with his kid, so she caved. Yes, I'm serious.

Now, for my wedding, I eliminated all the kids I wanted in it because she couldn't afford for her daughters to be in it. (Not sure how it is in other families, but in our the person asked to be in a wedding pays their part and we were already covering several of the things that would normally have been her cost.) I told her it was okay if we didn't have a bachelorette party, because I knew she couldn't afford it. I specifically chose a day, location and transportation that would mean my attendants didn't have to pay for anything but their dress or tux. My sister, on the other hand, has chosen a location 2 hours from where any of us live. She is requiring us to stay at the suite-only hotel for two nights. She informed me that I'm "not going to get out of bachelorette party and wedding shower so easily." The dresses and accessories she's chosen will cost me over $400.

So, as you may have read at the link, I just decided all the drama was too much. She refuses to sit down and just talk about everything on our minds. She "doesn't have the time." I honestly figured, with the upcoming baby and the pending wedding, that she would have at least contacted me to see if we could work things out. Beyond the comment to my mom about me "doing stuff like this all the time," she hasn't said a word to anyone.

Yesterday I got an invite to her baby shower. It's scheduled for the exact day and time of my son's (her nephew's) first birthday party. She was fully aware of the date. I have been telling people to save that date for his party since a week after his birth. It further proved that she thinks the world revolves around her and she doesn't give a crap about me or my family. I'm fuming! It's taking everything I have not to call her up and let her have it. Am I over-reacting here?

I'm more than willing to expand on anything to clear confusion. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I do love my sister and I hate that things are like this, but I can't keep soaking up all this negativity and going on like nothing happened. Thanks for reading and for any insight.
 

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Yeah, she seems to think the world revolves around her, and her only. Not only is she a bridezilla, she's a total *****.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Well, the up side is... if she refuses to talk to me before the wedding, it's going to save me about a thousand bucks! The thing is, it's not so much about her but my nieces. She's poisoning my relationship with them and they're getting caught in the middle.
 

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She's a feamel dog and a bridezilla, but she might also need therapy or something. Always got to explore that, she seems kind of overchildish for a grown woman with two children, so maybe there's something else going on in her mind
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by affidavit View Post

She's a feamel dog and a bridezilla, but she might also need therapy or something. Always got to explore that, she seems kind of overchildish for a grown woman with two children, so maybe there's something else going on in her mind
I have suspected that a time or two. It's little secret that mental issues are very strong in our family, but she thinks she's immune. Her doctor told her she should be on anti-depressants and needs to reduce stress in her life because he believes that's the cause behind her heart and bleeding issues... she basically told him to write her a prescription and shove it. Her nine year old daughter, who has told the new guy he needs to grow up, is so stressed by everything going on that she has taken to biting herself. My sister has taken her to therapy but denies the diagnosis that her daughter is acting out for attention and because of stress over all the sudden changes in her life (parents divorce, THREE moves, new "dad," new sister, new school, etc). I guess she thinks her kid is bored or something.
 

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There way so much wrong in this situation and on top of it she and her new man is stressing a 9 year old. I am sorry this is happening to your family. This guy she is involved with is only thinking of himself if he wants that light up dance floor, I didn't have that at my wedding 9 years ago. Why can't people with low income have simple weddings?
 

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Earthwhispers,

That sounds very frustrating. However, you wrote it all out very nicely. Why not write her a letter or an email explaining your frustrations in a diplomatic way, since she "doesn't have the time?" Don't be accusatory, but rather tell her how her behavior makes you feel. (I.e. it makes me feel unimportant to you, etc...). Or, just demand that she meet with you. Issue an ultimatum, like, "We need to talk about this, or I don't think I can be in your wedding."
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by dormouse View Post

Earthwhispers,

That sounds very frustrating. However, you wrote it all out very nicely. Why not write her a letter or an email explaining your frustrations in a diplomatic way, since she "doesn't have the time?" Don't be accusatory, but rather tell her how her behavior makes you feel. (I.e. it makes me feel unimportant to you, etc...). Or, just demand that she meet with you. Issue an ultimatum, like, "We need to talk about this, or I don't think I can be in your wedding."
That's a good idea.

I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt since I also tend to make up a ton of excuses to get out of situations, however my mind totally changed when I got to the wedding details. $20,000 on a wedding? A lit up dance floor? C'mon that's absurd. Talk to her or write her and tell her your feelings. If she's not willing to at least open her eyes and acknowledge your feelings then maybe it's best that you do take a much needed break from her.
 

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EarthWhispers, there is so many things wrong with what you have told us, I don't know where to begin. Oh, yes, I do. The soon-to-be husband will refuse to get married if he doesn't get a lighted dance floor and he doesn't even have a job. Big bright sirens are going off right now saying your sister has lost her freakin' mind wanting to marry this jerk. On to her... stealing the spotlight of your son's first birthday for a bridal show that can be thrown at any time she likes is wretched.

Write these things down and try to discuss them with her. She will probably get mad and call you names. But who cares? She obviously needs you a lot more than you need her. Let her get mad at you and cut you off from her life for a bit. She WILL come around. The things you wrote down will simmer in her mind and your absence will make her miss you. I think she will come around after she realizes how crappy she has been treating you. Plus, like you said, it wouldn't hurt that you didn't have to spend $1000 on her wedding (which at this point, I'm sure she won't be grateful for it).

Good luck!
 

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Agreed that you have to try and resolve this or it will drive you mad (or madder than you are now!
). The planning of the baby shower on the birthday party day seems really likely to be unintentional, but definitely approach it as if it were. There's absolutely no reason she shouldn't change the date and/or time since your plans seem to have been well announced. Maybe be sure to let her know how hurtful this is to you too, that it's not just about you being angry.

I hope that you can get it worked out. It's a shame if one of you were to miss such an important event as 1st birthdays or weddings.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by EarthWhispers View Post

Thanks for reading and for any insight.
Your problem appears to be intentional negative behaviours?

Intentional negative behaviours have the sole purpose and intent of elliciting negative response.

Any negative response thus 'rewards' negative behaviours.

Any positive response thus 'punishes' negative behaviours.

Massively oversimplified that; but, if of any interest, I could try to elaborate ..
 

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Originally Posted by IamJen View Post

Maybe be sure to let her know how hurtful this is to you too, that it's not just about you being angry.
I would tread with caution there ...

Hurt and angry people feel 'lonely' when all around them seem to be happier than they.

If you ever let a hurt and angry person know that they have succesfully got you into their world of hurt and anger they will then go into over-drive in order to keep you there.

Such is the basis of the old addage that "misery loves company", I think.
 

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My mom always told me that if something is more negative in your life than positive, you have to make a change. It sounds like this crazy person in your life is sucking the life out of you. I'd start asking if she is even worth it. Doesn't sound like it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
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Originally Posted by peacefulveglady View Post

There way so much wrong in this situation and on top of it she and her new man is stressing a 9 year old. I am sorry this is happening to your family. This guy she is involved with is only thinking of himself if he wants that light up dance floor, I didn't have that at my wedding 9 years ago. Why can't people with low income have simple weddings?
Thinking of himself first is a big part of what reminds me of her first husband. That guy made the decision to move himself 400 miles away because he liked another job better and "if she doesn't want to move, then I guess it's time for a divorce." I gotta say, for a few moments I actually thought "I can't blame her" when she cheated on him after he moved out.

Her goal is to ultimately outdo my own wedding and her fiance wants a "killer party." She's upset that I had a big wedding because she's convinced I did it to spite her. I had always said I wanted a small wedding, but shortly after our engagement I was informed that hubby's family "doesn't do small weddings." (Don't worry... I have a spine now. LOL) Somehow my caving to in-laws was a jab at her.
What she forgets is that my husband and I are in a much better financial situation than they are. We had no kids until a year after we were married... they have three between them with another due four months before the wedding.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dormouse View Post

Earthwhispers,

That sounds very frustrating. However, you wrote it all out very nicely. Why not write her a letter or an email explaining your frustrations in a diplomatic way, since she "doesn't have the time?" Don't be accusatory, but rather tell her how her behavior makes you feel. (I.e. it makes me feel unimportant to you, etc...). Or, just demand that she meet with you. Issue an ultimatum, like, "We need to talk about this, or I don't think I can be in your wedding."
I've attempted so many times to talk and/or write it out. It's like talking to a brick wall. There are days you could tell my sister the sky is blue and somehow you're "cutting her down" for not matching the sky or something. It's ridiculous.

Quote:
Originally Posted by fadeaway1289 View Post

That's a good idea.

I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt since I also tend to make up a ton of excuses to get out of situations, however my mind totally changed when I got to the wedding details. $20,000 on a wedding? A lit up dance floor? C'mon that's absurd. Talk to her or write her and tell her your feelings. If she's not willing to at least open her eyes and acknowledge your feelings then maybe it's best that you do take a much needed break from her.
Oh, yeah. I've made an excuse or two now and then... but she excuses herself from everything and then goes on to accuse us of never being around.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sleepydvdr View Post

EarthWhispers, there is so many things wrong with what you have told us, I don't know where to begin. Oh, yes, I do. The soon-to-be husband will refuse to get married if he doesn't get a lighted dance floor and he doesn't even have a job. Big bright sirens are going off right now saying your sister has lost her freakin' mind wanting to marry this jerk. On to her... stealing the spotlight of your son's first birthday for a bridal show that can be thrown at any time she likes is wretched.

Write these things down and try to discuss them with her. She will probably get mad and call you names. But who cares? She obviously needs you a lot more than you need her. Let her get mad at you and cut you off from her life for a bit. She WILL come around. The things you wrote down will simmer in her mind and your absence will make her miss you. I think she will come around after she realizes how crappy she has been treating you. Plus, like you said, it wouldn't hurt that you didn't have to spend $1000 on her wedding (which at this point, I'm sure she won't be grateful for it).

Good luck!
I guess part of the problem is that she doesn't get mad. She doesn't react. She just ignores you, hangs up if you're on the phone or walks away if you're in person with her. She always says, "we'll never agree so why try?"

Quote:
Originally Posted by affidavit View Post

I'd also sugest, if you have the time, taking on the daughter now and then to give her some attention/love, and/or maybe getting her interested in books or something, so she has an escape
I'd like to, but every time I ask to spend some time with my nieces, I'm told they are too busy with school and activities.

Quote:
Originally Posted by IamJen View Post

Agreed that you have to try and resolve this or it will drive you mad (or madder than you are now!
). The planning of the baby shower on the birthday party day seems really likely to be unintentional, but definitely approach it as if it were. There's absolutely no reason she shouldn't change the date and/or time since your plans seem to have been well announced. Maybe be sure to let her know how hurtful this is to you too, that it's not just about you being angry.

I hope that you can get it worked out. It's a shame if one of you were to miss such an important event as 1st birthdays or weddings.
Knowing my sister, the choice of date was entirely intentional. I've already changed dates of things before to accommodate her schedule... like my own baby shower. She was supposedly hosting it, but I ended up having to contact everyone to tell them of the new date and make adjustments in rentals and everything. Even the day of the party, she stalled the games an hour so her boyfriend (now fiance) could play. She also contacted both my mother-in-laws requesting money to help... never mentioning my husband and I covered most the cost already because we knew she was broke. It was a mess!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Clueless Git View Post

Your problem appears to be intentional negative behaviours?

Intentional negative behaviours have the sole purpose and intent of elliciting negative response.

Any negative response thus 'rewards' negative behaviours.

Any positive response thus 'punishes' negative behaviours.

Massively oversimplified that; but, if of any interest, I could try to elaborate ..
Quote:
Originally Posted by Clueless Git View Post

I would tread with caution there ...

Hurt and angry people feel 'lonely' when all around them seem to be happier than they.

If you ever let a hurt and angry person know that they have succesfully got you into their world of hurt and anger they will then go into over-drive in order to keep you there.

Such is the basis of the old addage that "misery loves company", I think.
Makes complete and utter sense. All the more reason to cut my losses and run.

Quote:
Originally Posted by peacefulveglady View Post

I agree with clueless git , also I been thinking is there a way you can have the shower for your sister and then later on have a Birthday party for your son?
I had set the day and time of this party 11 months ago, so everyone has kept schedules cleared for it. I'm not moving the party and I can guarantee she'll say the same thing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ade903 View Post

My mom always told me that if something is more negative in your life than positive, you have to make a change. It sounds like this crazy person in your life is sucking the life out of you. I'd start asking if she is even worth it. Doesn't sound like it.
I'm being forced to agree with you. We used to be quite close. I don't know what happened. Too much hurt building up, I guess.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by EarthWhispers View Post

Originally Posted by Clueless Git
Quote:
I would tread with caution there ...

Hurt and angry people feel 'lonely' when all around them seem to be happier than they.

If you ever let a hurt and angry person know that they have succesfully got you into their world of hurt and anger they will then go into over-drive in order to keep you there.

Such is the basis of the old addage that "misery loves company", I think.
Makes complete and utter sense. All the more reason to cut my losses and run.
Noooooooooooooo!!!!

Running does not work!

If you run you can be, and WILL be, pursued.

'Less we want to spend our entire lives running and hiding from negative people (which means leaving any vunerables behind at the mercy of the negative people) we have to learn to use obscene levels of positivity to drive the neg-heads in our lives away from us.

Anyways, a quote (buddha) that I use to give myself strength when faced with massive negativity .. I hope you find something in that helps you too ..

In this world
Hate never yet dispelled hate.
Only love dispels hate.
This is the law,
Ancient and inexhaustible.

Full text, if anyone is interested, can be read here, btw ..
 
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