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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hey guys! I need your advice on something. My bf and I have been together for precisely a year and will be moving in together in 2 weeks.<br><br>
He makes 20 000$ a year more than I do and doesn't have any student debts, while I have 20 000$ worth of them.<br><br>
His parents gave him a car during his university years and so has only bought and started doing payments on a car since october last year, while I bought my own car in oct 2009.<br><br>
He's been staying at his parents' house rent-free, while I've bee paying 200$ to my mother since may 2010.<br><br>
The groceries at this place are paid by his parents, while I've been doing my own for almost a year now.<br><br>
So all this taken into account, he's the one who made the down payment on the condo and who'll be paying most of the mortgage/bills/condo fees. The condo fees are 180$ a month. I offered to pitch in 200$ a month to help pay for it all, because I wanted to help out financially as much as I could, and because it was the most I could afford to contribute.<br><br>
So everything was fine, until he brought up the subject of a pre-(pre)-nup. (the paranthesis are there because he said once we're married, this document would not apply, so it's technically not a marriage pre-nup).<br><br>
After living together for 12 months, we would be considered 'common-law' which would mean we would both have access to everything we own 50/50. This, of course, would mean *I* would have more than I have and he would have less than what he put in. I understand he doesn't want to get 'cheated' from all the money he's putting into this, but he wants me to sign a document saying we would NOT be common-law after 12 months, so that I would not be able to leave with half of his investments, were we ever to break up.<br><br>
But isn't that starting off our new stage in our relationship on the wrong foot? I told him I had no interest in his money, and that I thought his attitude of needing to 'protect' himself from me not a healthy one for a relationship. I find it insulting that he would ask me to sign something like that, and he finds my reaction insulting that I can't understand how he's being generous by letting me stay with him for a mere 200$ a month, which clearly isn't a 'fair share'.<br><br>
It makes me feel like we're moving into HIS place, not OURS, and that my 200$ would be more like 'rent' then anything else, which would make me feel more like a roommate than a girlfriend.<br><br>
I understand if we WERE roommates, the situation is pretty darnededly generous! But we're not, we're a COUPLE. Isn't the point of moving in together to start our lives as a loving couple, a team, to build our future together?<br><br>
Sorry for the long rant!!
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>azerea_02</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2900000"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Hey guys! I need your advice on something. My bf and I have been together for precisely a year and will be moving in together in 2 weeks.<br><br>
He makes 20 000$ a year more than I do and doesn't have any student debts, while I have 20 000$ worth of them.<br><br>
His parents gave him a car during his university years and so has only bought and started doing payments on a car since october last year, while I bought my own car in oct 2009.<br><br>
He's been staying at his parents' house rent-free, while I've bee paying 200$ to my mother since may 2010.<br><br>
The groceries at this place are paid by his parents, while I've been doing my own for almost a year now.<br><br>
So all this taken into account, he's the one who made the down payment on the condo and who'll be paying most of the mortgage/bills/condo fees. The condo fees are 180$ a month. I offered to pitch in 200$ a month to help pay for it all, because I wanted to help out financially as much as I could, and because it was the most I could afford to contribute.<br><br>
So everything was fine, until he brought up the subject of a pre-(pre)-nup. (the paranthesis are there because he said once we're married, this document would not apply, so it's technically not a marriage pre-nup).<br><br>
After living together for 12 months, we would be considered 'common-law' which would mean we would both have access to everything we own 50/50. This, of course, would mean *I* would have more than I have and he would have less than what he put in. I understand he doesn't want to get 'cheated' from all the money he's putting into this, but he wants me to sign a document saying we would NOT be common-law after 12 months, so that I would not be able to leave with half of his investments, were we ever to break up.<br><br>
But isn't that starting off our new stage in our relationship on the wrong foot? I told him I had no interest in his money, and that I thought his attitude of needing to 'protect' himself from me not a healthy one for a relationship. I find it insulting that he would ask me to sign something like that, and he finds my reaction insulting that I can't understand how he's being generous by letting me stay with him for a mere 200$ a month, which clearly isn't a 'fair share'.<br><br>
It makes me feel like we're moving into HIS place, not OURS, and that my 200$ would be more like 'rent' then anything else, which would make me feel more like a roommate than a girlfriend.<br><br>
I understand if we WERE roommates, the situation is pretty darnededly generous! But we're not, we're a COUPLE. Isn't the point of moving in together to start our lives as a loving couple, a team, to build our future together?<br><br>
Sorry for the long rant!!</div>
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Well, you *are* going to be paying rent, aren't you? He's paying the mortgage, condo fees, internet, cable, water, gas and electric etc if these are applicable (and they are in his name, right?). He is fiscally responsible for everything (he and whoever signed on this all). You are paying for the right to take advantage of all these things, contributing a "rental fee".<br><br>
It's not romantic, still, it's just how it is, the reality of the situation.
 

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I have done the same thing with my partner. We've got a legal agreement for the first year of living together that protects us both. I can certainly understand and sympathize with the initial reaction, but I'm a practical person and people <i>do</i> break up all the time. We've been together for more than 6 years, but anything could happen. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">
 

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I am in a slightly similar situation. I'm moving in with my fiance in a few weeks. I have not been earning anything over the last year and have overdraft debts as well as student ones. He is debt free and has a few thousand in savings. Therefore he is paying for the deposit, legal fees and rent in advance for our new place. I am now working full time and we earn almost exactly the same, so once we move in we will be paying 50/50. But I understand how you feel because he has already spent so much of his savings on me and us and I have been able to contribute very little.<br><br>
He is extremely generous, and his philosophy is to enjoy life and not worry about money. He has saved simply because he doesn't require much to be happy, not because he was trying to avoid spending. He is not at all resentful about contributing more than me, and he would never ask for this kind of agreement in order to protect his finances. But I don't think he is a 'better' partner than yours because of that. He is sure we will be together forever and so this will never be an issue, which of course I hope too but based on the stats is probably naive. Your boyfriend is thinking with his head instead of heart, but I don't think that means he doesn't care about you. What he's doing is smart. It doesn't mean he has no faith in your relationship, it just means he understands that things could change. Things DO change when you live with someone, and sometimes not for the better.<br><br>
My concern if I were in your shoes would be feeling like I was a lodger instead of an equal partner. That kind of power imbalance is NOT healthy. Do you think your partner also sees it as 'his' place?
 

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I think it depends on your relationship and the actual agreement. I could see signing something like that if the agreement only lasted a few years, and/or was just a rental agreement, but if it's open-ended then no.<br>
However, I think if you're relationship is more serious than a rental agreement suggests, then propose marriage!
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>*AHIMSA*</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2900016"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Well, you *are* going to be paying rent, aren't you? He's paying the mortgage, condo fees, internet, cable, water, gas and electric etc if these are applicable (and they are in his name, right?). He is fiscally responsible for everything (he and whoever signed on this all). You are paying for the right to take advantage of all these things, contributing a "rental fee".<br><br>
It's not romantic, still, it's just how it is, the reality of the situation.</div>
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I agree with this.<br><br>
You might want to talk to your boyfriend about feeling like you're more of a tenant than a girlfriend in this situation. If you two were to break up, what would happen to the condo? It is totally fair that he wouldn't want you to get half of his savings if something bad were to happen, but the condo, especially if you are buying it together, could be a tricky part. It's best to communicate your concerns and feelings to your partner in a gentle way now, rather than have a fight later.
 

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I don't know if this is unwarranted advice, but I would suggest you both live 100% on your own for a while before jumping into living with each other 100% of the time. Right now you're both getting a ton of help from your parents, and that's not the general reality of living. I think if you spent time living 100% without support, you both may have a better real-life grasp of what it's actually going to be like, because this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>River</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2900174"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
I don't know if this is unwarranted advice, but I would suggest you both live 100% on your own for a while before jumping into living with each other 100% of the time. Right now you're both getting a ton of help from your parents, and that's not the general reality of living. I think if you spent time living 100% without support, you both may have a better real-life grasp of what it's actually going to be like, because this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.</div>
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This is very, very true.
 

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I signed a pre-nup myself a few months ago so I have no problem with them. It was actually a "co-habitation agreement" which is what it sounds like your BF wants you to sign rather than a pre-nuptial agreement. It's really just a way for couples to ensure that they don't walk away with less than they bought to the relationship. It sounds unromantic, but fighting over finances at a later date is even more unromantic.<br><br>
Before you sign anything though, you need to get some legal advice to make sure that the contract will be fair to you. You need to ensure that in the event of a break-up, you don't end up with less than you would have had under common law rights. I have some concerns about that in regard to the situation you describe with your BF's house and the rent you will be paying to him. Whether you sign this contract or not, keep a written record of the "rent" you pay him because you may need it later. Don't just hand over the cash to him. If he doesn't agree to keeping a record of it, that is a red flag. Your contract also needs to be witnessed and signed by your lawyer and his. If it's not, it will be pretty useless.<br><br>
ETA: ^^ That was actually meant to say your contract also needs to be signed by you and witnessed by your lawyer and his.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Nishani</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2900394"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Your contract also needs to be witnessed and signed by your lawyer and his. If it's not, it will be pretty useless.</div>
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I've never heard of any jurisdiction in which that's true.
 

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my husband and i were living together for 5 out of the 8 years of being together. only got married a year and half ago. we signed a pre-nup and i had no problem with it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Earthling</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2900035"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
My concern if I were in your shoes would be feeling like I was a lodger instead of an equal partner. That kind of power imbalance is NOT healthy. Do you think your partner also sees it as 'his' place?</div>
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No, he continuously tells me he doesn't want it to be 'his' place, he wants it to be 'our' place. It's just I who wouldn't feel it is such.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>ElaineV</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2900100"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
I think it depends on your relationship and the actual agreement. I could see signing something like that if the agreement only lasted a few years, and/or was just a rental agreement, but if it's open-ended then no.<br>
However, I think if you're relationship is more serious than a rental agreement suggests, then propose marriage!</div>
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I like the way you think. But he says a year's time of being together isn't enough to be 'serious'
 

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Maybe you should take a step back and think about how you would feel if he wasn't with you and with somebody who is cohabiting with him then they break up and she insists on walking away with more than she brought into the relationship. One might trust the other person completely but it's still a good idea to make contingency plan in case of the event that they make an error in judgement.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Suezo</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2900415"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
I've never heard of any jurisdiction in which that's true.</div>
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You have now. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Nishani</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2900683"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
You have now. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"></div>
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No, it's still not true <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/wink3.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=";)">
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>azerea_02</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2900537"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
I like the way you think. But he says a year's time of being together isn't enough to be 'serious'</div>
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Hold the phone. A year is not enough time to be 'serious' but enough time to move in together? In my book, being 'serious' and moving in together would have to go hand in hand.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>dormouse</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2900721"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Hold the phone. A year is not enough time to be 'serious' but enough time to move in together? In my book, being 'serious' and moving in together would have to go hand in hand.</div>
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:nod: See my "Disaster waiting to happen" post.
 
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