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Sometimes I just don't know if my bf and I are really going to work out. We've been together for 3 years and I almost feel like I can't be myself, that liking some of what I do isn't approved by him so I end up hiding the fact that I buy certain novels for example because I don't want to hear him tell me how they're not important and how they don't mean anything.

Just today I've been talking about food because I'm learning new things about food all the time and I find it interesting. Dieting and exercising has always interested me so I end up talking about it and he comes home from work and says "I don't think food should be discussed beyond talking about preparation. Just talk about other things" and I just feel so bad right now because he's like this with a lot of things. I feel like I want to be with someone who isn't always so critical of me and everything else.

I think he's intelligent and I don't want him not to be critical but he gets so picky sometimes to the point where it's hard for anyone to deal with him.

I love him but I'm afraid of becoming depressed if I can't be myself completely.
 

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Oh wow!! Sorry, if my bf had spoken to me that way, it would have escalated into a full-blown argument because I would demand more respect from him. But hey, I know from a thrid person' POV it's a lot easier said than done. But I full-heartedly aprove of your doubts/reconsideration. This situation calls for a serious re-evaluation. Just don't make any rash decisions and try to approach it with as objective a POV as possible. Sorry if I can't be more help...
 

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I'm sorry this is happening honey. My bf (now my husband) was the same way at first. I knew there were topics I simply couldn't bring up in front of him - sometimes my taste in reading material was one of them. With mine, it grew from being simply annoying to a serious power struggle between us. We could talk about things that interested him, but when I began talking about something that interested me, he either completely shut off, broached a new topic that he wanted, or point blank told me that my topic wasn't important and he wouldn't talk about it. I can't say for sure, but it sounds like the same thing may be happening to you.

For me, I eventually sat him down and explained a few things. 1) Relationships must have respect, and that includes my interests. You don't have to agree with them, or partake of them with me, but you must respect them as a part of me. 2) By ignoring/overlooking/brushing off any and all comments about my life and my interests, he was displaying that part of me - a very big part - was unimportant to him. ...Both of which were Very uncool, and were deal breakers, as far as our relationship. Now that he knew how I felt, he had a chance to change his tune - but if he didn't, I minced no words telling him that I would seek company elsewhere.

Luckily, my husband discovered how he was hurting me by blowing off my interests, and now we have a healthy relationship where both of us enjoy talking about the other's day, including things we are interested in. Hopefully when you explain how your interests relate to you, and how his indifference makes you feel, he will change. If not, honestly, he doesn't care for you as much as he says.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by keishari View Post

Sometimes I just don't know if my bf and I are really going to work out. We've been together for 3 years and I almost feel like I can't be myself, that liking some of what I do isn't approved by him so I end up hiding the fact that I buy certain novels for example because I don't want to hear him tell me how they're not important and how they don't mean anything.

Just today I've been talking about food because I'm learning new things about food all the time and I find it interesting. Dieting and exercising has always interested me so I end up talking about it and he comes home from work and says "I don't think food should be discussed beyond talking about preparation. Just talk about other things" and I just feel so bad right now because he's like this with a lot of things. I feel like I want to be with someone who isn't always so critical of me and everything else.

I think he's intelligent and I don't want him not to be critical but he gets so picky sometimes to the point where it's hard for anyone to deal with him.

I love him but I'm afraid of becoming depressed if I can't be myself completely.
Only you can truly know what's right for you of course, but just from reading that he sounds like a real ass. Accepting your partner for who they are and supporting their interests is a huge part of a healthy relationship and just being a mature person, you don't always have to agree or like the same things but the important thing is the respect. It's an especially big problem if it has gotten to the point that you are hiding from his disapproval, that just sucks. If he doesn't like the same books as you he can just not read them, belittling you for enjoying them is downright childish. A grown up should be able to listen politely to another persons interests even if they don't share them. That's a basic part of being able to interact with any other human being, never mind your freaking girlfriend.

Somethings got to give, at the very least it sounds like he needs a big talking to.
 

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he sounds like he's either pretentious or insecure.
if the things you like to do, like reading certain books, and the things you like to talk about, like food, aren't worthy of his time then why is he with you? isn't this the same guy who you think could/would get your cat declawed behind your back and who you need to have arguments with about why you chose to be veg*n? i expect my significant other to respect my interests and beliefs. he doesn't have to agree with me or share all of my interests but he cannot trivialise them or make me justify myself.
i realise we're only hearing the bad things about him and he must have positive qualities as well but i think you're worthy of being with someone who doesn't make you feel like you have to hide what's important to you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Niur-Tarow View Post

I'm sorry this is happening honey. My bf (now my husband) was the same way at first. I knew there were topics I simply couldn't bring up in front of him - sometimes my taste in reading material was one of them. With mine, it grew from being simply annoying to a serious power struggle between us. We could talk about things that interested him, but when I began talking about something that interested me, he either completely shut off, broached a new topic that he wanted, or point blank told me that my topic wasn't important and he wouldn't talk about it. I can't say for sure, but it sounds like the same thing may be happening to you.

For me, I eventually sat him down and explained a few things. 1) Relationships must have respect, and that includes my interests. You don't have to agree with them, or partake of them with me, but you must respect them as a part of me. 2) By ignoring/overlooking/brushing off any and all comments about my life and my interests, he was displaying that part of me - a very big part - was unimportant to him. ...Both of which were Very uncool, and were deal breakers, as far as our relationship. Now that he knew how I felt, he had a chance to change his tune - but if he didn't, I minced no words telling him that I would seek company elsewhere

Luckily, my husband discovered how he was hurting me by blowing off my interests, and now we have a healthy relationship where both of us enjoy talking about the other's day, including things we are interested in. Hopefully when you explain how your interests relate to you, and how his indifference makes you feel, he will change. If not, honestly, he doesn't care for you as much as he says.
i have to strongly agree with this.
 

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I think you should talk to your boyfriend about this. Try talking about it some time when it hasn't JUST happened, so it won't seem like a fight. Maybe start with "Hey babe, I've been wanting to talk to you about something." Just talk about it in a positive way, since he probably doesn't even realize he's doing it. Tell him that it hurts your feelings and makes you feel like you can't get excited about things your interested in, or share your whole self.
His response to this conversation will tell you a LOT. It will either be "Oh babe I'm so sorry!!" and he will start acting more interested in what you have to say, OR he will brush you off and continue to say he doesn't want to talk about stuff he's not interested in, finds boring, etc... which is very selfish.
Communication is important. If you don't ask for what you want (a partner who cares about your happiness, takes interest in your life, etc) he won't know there is a problem and the break-up would come out of the blue. This way, you can tell him what you need, if he can't give it to you, he will know what went wrong in the relationship.

GOOD LUCK!!

Something was bothering me recently with my boyfriend, too. I was worried about approaching him about it, so I waited to see if it would change. Eventually it built up and I started to feel myself resenting him. BUT... One night I finally just got it off my chest, told him exactly what was bothering me (in a non-confrontational way), and he was very receptive! Things are back to being amazing between us and I feel 100000x better!
You can do it too
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by paisleyjane View Post

I think you should talk to your boyfriend about this. Try talking about it some time when it hasn't JUST happened, so it won't seem like a fight. Maybe start with "Hey babe, I've been wanting to talk to you about something." Just talk about it in a positive way, since he probably doesn't even realize he's doing it. Tell him that it hurts your feelings and makes you feel like you can't get excited about things your interested in, or share your whole self.
His response to this conversation will tell you a LOT. It will either be "Oh babe I'm so sorry!!" and he will start acting more interested in what you have to say, OR he will brush you off and continue to say he doesn't want to talk about stuff he's not interested in, finds boring, etc... which is very selfish.
Communication is important. If you don't ask for what you want (a partner who cares about your happiness, takes interest in your life, etc) he won't know there is a problem and the break-up would come out of the blue. This way, you can tell him what you need, if he can't give it to you, he will know what went wrong in the relationship.

GOOD LUCK!!
+1 I don't think you're asking for much. Just basic respect. Sometimes people hurt the ones they love most because they are so comfortable they are almost careless with their emotions. He may feel that he can talk to you and treat you how he wants because he doesn't think you will leave anyway, and probably doesn't think he's being as big of a jerk as he is. Definitely talk to him, give him the chance to show his love and respect for you. If he can't do it though, that's where the tough decision comes in. Do you want to be treated like this for the rest of your life?

Hope it all works out for you.
 

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It's never OK for someone not to give you the respect you need. I suggest you talk to him about how you feel. I always talk to my boyfriend when he does something I don't like. We're all human, we can sometimes do things that we don't realize we're hurting someone. If that doesn't work, think about why you're in the relationship.

What you read, the things that interest you-- are what makes you. If he doesn't find interest in any of that or respects it then I suggest you find someone who will. You can only hide or not do some things for so long. Don't let him control what you can and cannot do.
 

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I feel your pain. In my current relationship, my boyfriend has disrespected me in some similar ways and in some much worse ways, and I feel like I have put up with it for way too long. I've tried to work on it with him, but he has so many issues that he is not working out within himself that it's making it impossible. He gets defensive and angry every time I try to bring anything up that I feel is not working in the relationship. He asks me if I am happy, and if I tell him honestly that I am pretty happy but there are some things I am not happy with, he becomes angry. I am planning on having a talk with him soon (today) and ending the relationship. I don't regret sticking with him and trying to make it work- sometimes I do wish I would have broken up with him earlier, but I can't change that so there's no point in regretting it. I just don't want to be held back from living an awesome, happy life by someone who makes me feel bad about myself, because I deserve better.

I would say, talk to him about it, and if he seems receptive give him a chance to work on it and change, but if he doesn't after a reasonable amount of time, then don't waste your time trying to change him. Everyone deserves to be loved and respected, and you can always do better than someone who doesn't respect you.
 

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he really doesn't sound nice. in a relationship people should be sensitive to what is important to the other. i couldn't have handled it for 3 years
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ira View Post

he really doesn't sound nice. in a relationship people should be sensitive to what is important to the other. i couldn't have handled it for 3 years
Me either. A BF doesn't have to share my interests but he does have to respect them.
 

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I just wanted to bring up a couple possibilities, not knowing much about the situation.

1) Keep in mind that people have different styles of dealing with conflict. My husband is very blunt, for example - sometimes to the point of being hurtful without realizing it. I'm very non-confrontational, so sometimes it's difficult for me to understand his approach. This deserves more discussion, but not from the perspective of, "Hey, you were being a jerk, stop doing that." Rather, you could say, "When you said X, it made me feel Y." Hopefully by talking about it, you can understand each other a little better.
2) People have different interests. My husband doesn't really like talking or thinking about food as much as I do. I don't talk to him about every new recipe I've found, but we do talk about it when we're approaching meal times or when we're planning a grocery shopping trip.
3) Maybe he feels you have an unhealthy preoccupation with diet and exercise. Think carefully if this might be the case. If that's not the case, try to think about it from his perspective - do you mostly talk with him about diet and exercise? Certainly you have other thoughts and interests. You could try making an effort to talk about other topics more.

Of course, there's the possibility that he was just having a bad day, or that something else was bothering him. I hope you can talk with him about it and work it out.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
All the advice has been helpful and as someone pointed out I only put the bad things which isn't fair when people are trying to judge the situation.

The good things about him are that he takes good care of me such as taken me places I want or need to go (Even though he kind of complained about being accommodating to "unnecessary" things (I.E My vegetarianism as a choice not a need) but he did apologize for being upset lately about it. He's also very loving and does try to do sweet things for me a lot. Like on our third anniversary he got me a 60 minute message at a spa which was so wonderful! We have a lot of fun joking around too and he'll buy me things usually if I ask. He's also is willing to drive me to my house which is pretty from where he lives.

The two things that stood out to me the most when we first started dating was that he was willing to come from way far to my house for my birthday in snow! None of my friends at the time had even bothered but he was the one who lived the furthest and who came to see me for my birthday even through snow. The second thing was the fact that one night I had been feeling really sick and I finally needed something to eat so I woke him up and expressed my need and he got up without complaint and fixed me some food. Those two things are something very wonderful and sweet that he had done for me. I do love him but I also have my doubts as to whether we're really going to be happy if we get married. Three years of dating and I have a chance to decide before we make ourselves official. It's a hard decision.
 

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I can't say that I have a complete understanding of your situation, or expectations, but what I do know is that it's a lot easier to exit a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship than it is to exit a husband/wife relationship.

~
 
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