"She"
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Agreed. I went through the same situation with my girlfriend and in the end I realized I was just being silly. I'm sure you know this, but minor "crushes" happen all the time in even the most meaningful relationships and if you trust your significant other then there isn't a need to be worried. In my eyes, being constantly worried or on the lookout is going to drastically effect your demeanor around him and in the end will only damage the relationship. Communication is the key. 
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I think friendships with members of the opposite sex that pre-date a relationship are always tough - particularly if there was a crush on one side or the other. But yes, it comes down to trust. Is she the type to go after your BF, or does she think that he's off limits? What does he think? Does he think she's off-limits?
Also, maybe he's just working to repair the friendship, and taking it too far. It might be worth it to talk with him.
Also, maybe he's just working to repair the friendship, and taking it too far. It might be worth it to talk with him.
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What happened a couple months after you started dating? That he talked to her about the crush? Or did something else happen?
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Well, she is coming to say sth to him everytime she see him, and he does the same. He said that 'she would kill him if he started being in love with her again', so in this matter, i really believe that he won't just change his mind. It's just all about the fact that they have urm, better contact and i sometimes want to say "hey, i am here, woo-hoo".
Thank you all for suggestions, I'll try to be less jealous. But I won't talk to him, as all of you said before unless he does something REALLY annoying.
He told me that it's bad that they stopped talking, and he wishes they would be friends again, so i told him to tell it to her, not to me, and they met to explain that. (i was happy because they're both my friends, but then she said something like 'if i had been with him then, we would still be together i suppose' and it disturbed me a little)
Well, she is coming to say sth to him everytime she see him, and he does the same. He said that 'she would kill him if he started being in love with her again', so in this matter, i really believe that he won't just change his mind. It's just all about the fact that they have urm, better contact and i sometimes want to say "hey, i am here, woo-hoo".
Thank you all for suggestions, I'll try to be less jealous. But I won't talk to him, as all of you said before unless he does something REALLY annoying.
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Please don't take this the wrong way, but how old are you?
Your age will affect the advice people give.
Your age will affect the advice people give.
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9,260 Posts
True... Feeling like your partner actually relates to someone else better than you -- that you're somehow on the outside -- is never a good feeling. You need to talk about this with him.
It sounds like perhaps he has developed a mild crush on her again. Sometimes boyfriends can get a crush even though they are in a meaningful relationship, and they aren't crossing any obvious lines, so they can't really comprehend why their significant other should be upset. But its so easy to get wrapped up in the other person. I think you are right to be upset bacause he isn't being sensitive to your feelings about this. Telling your boyfriend that you feel that he is spending a large amount of time with this female friend, and that you are feeling cast to the side and somewhat neglected might help. Its not like you are telling him he can't have female friends or specifically this friend. Its important to tell him how his actions are making you feel though.
I gently suggested how I feel yesterday. He said "Oh god, I told you it's not like this", then hugged me and when we were coming home and she asked which way we take, he said 'we're going to go for a tea today', hugged her for goodbye and we went off. It was really nice of him for me.
When he started talking about her again, I mean in that 'she she she she' way, i said 'stop' and grinned. Surprisingly, it helped. I'll see it tomorrow, because i'm meeting him. He started being twice as nice as he was actually.
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We will see.
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When he started talking about her again, I mean in that 'she she she she' way, i said 'stop' and grinned. Surprisingly, it helped. I'll see it tomorrow, because i'm meeting him. He started being twice as nice as he was actually.
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I was talking with her about it before they talked and she said something like this. And then it started worrying me a little. And yes, I am also horribly jealous even though i really trust him, i just don't like to be as i said, number two. Or maybe I'm too ambitiousOriginally Posted by me
but then she said something like 'if i had been with him then, we would still be together i suppose' and it disturbed me a little
We will see.
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She (if I understand correctly) said he stays with this girl. And he is always talking about her (she, she, she) and he has secrets with her and invites her (the other girl) out on their dates to name a few "obvious" lines?
What part of that seems appropriate at all?
If he is REALLY still genuinely interested in Musli, he'd slow down in his relationship with the other person and he'd respect her fears and comments - NOT get on her case for bringing them up. The basis of a good, honest, lasting relationship is COMMUNICATION - it sounds like that attribute is lacking from this one.
And Musli - a couple questions: How old are you, hon'? And (none of my business) but are you sleeping with this guy? Both of those factors will make a significant difference in the way others may answer your questions.
Musli has PLENTY of reason to be upset! "Not crossing any obvious lines"? WHAT?Originally Posted by Koalaborg
Sometimes boyfriends can get a crush even though they are in a meaningful relationship, and they aren't crossing any obvious lines, so they can't really comprehend why their significant other should be upset.
She (if I understand correctly) said he stays with this girl. And he is always talking about her (she, she, she) and he has secrets with her and invites her (the other girl) out on their dates to name a few "obvious" lines?
What part of that seems appropriate at all?
If he is REALLY still genuinely interested in Musli, he'd slow down in his relationship with the other person and he'd respect her fears and comments - NOT get on her case for bringing them up. The basis of a good, honest, lasting relationship is COMMUNICATION - it sounds like that attribute is lacking from this one.
And Musli - a couple questions: How old are you, hon'? And (none of my business) but are you sleeping with this guy? Both of those factors will make a significant difference in the way others may answer your questions.
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Whoa - I didn't say what he was doing was in any way appropriate. I have been in this situation in the past where my ex had a female friend that he developed a crush on. He didn't cross any of the "lines" that usually denote cheating in most people's minds - like kissing or making out or sex - these being the "obvious" lines I was referring to. Many people don't comprehend that what they are doing is inappropriate because they haven't done THESE things and so they somehow justify the long talks, the inside jokes etc to just part of a normal friendship. Personally I think she is totally justified in being upset with her guy and I'm glad she has talked to him. He needed to be called out on his behavior with this girl and hopefully he will be be really conscious of how he is interacting with this friend from here on out.Originally Posted by Tempeh-Tantrums
Musli has PLENTY of reason to be upset! "Not crossing any obvious lines"? WHAT?
She (if I understand correctly) said he stays with this girl. And he is always talking about her (she, she, she) and he has secrets with her and invites her (the other girl) out on their dates to name a few "obvious" lines?
What part of that seems appropriate at all?
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I met him today. When I mentioned her to present some situation (not to say i'm jealous or things like his, just to mention it because i thought it was interesting and i spend some time with her) he asked if i'm still so jealous.
Then, when i made fun in 'oh, you and she blahblahblah' way, he said 'stop, this isn't topic for joking'. But well, today he wasn't talking about her nearly at all.
It will all turn out when we meet at school. Thanks for all your replies, really, at least i know that i'm normal
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17, not yet
I met him today. When I mentioned her to present some situation (not to say i'm jealous or things like his, just to mention it because i thought it was interesting and i spend some time with her) he asked if i'm still so jealous.
Then, when i made fun in 'oh, you and she blahblahblah' way, he said 'stop, this isn't topic for joking'. But well, today he wasn't talking about her nearly at all.
It will all turn out when we meet at school. Thanks for all your replies, really, at least i know that i'm normal
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This is the most horrible feeling in the world. When I feel like that I sometimes try to convince myself that it's all in my head but sometimes I just feel that that "other person" always has something more interesting to say to him/her...ugh..it sucks.Originally Posted by froggythefrog
True... Feeling like your partner actually relates to someone else better than you -- that you're somehow on the outside -- is never a good feeling. You need to talk about this with him.
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I know what you're saying here for sure. One of my questions to a past SO is "Where is your heart? I don't care where on the globe he is, or how unlikely something is to happen. I want to know where your heart is."
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Originally Posted by Koalaborg
Whoa - I didn't say what he was doing was in any way appropriate. I have been in this situation in the past where my ex had a female friend that he developed a crush on. He didn't cross any of the "lines" that usually denote cheating in most people's minds - like kissing or making out or sex - these being the "obvious" lines I was referring to. Many people don't comprehend that what they are doing is inappropriate because they haven't done THESE things and so they somehow justify the long talks, the inside jokes etc to just part of a normal friendship. Personally I think she is totally justified in being upset with her guy and I'm glad she has talked to him. He needed to be called out on his behavior with this girl and hopefully he will be be really conscious of how he is interacting with this friend from here on out.
I would try and have an open relationship with them both seperately since you have been friends with both of them. Talk to the girl up-front and explain to her that YOU are having a problem with this friendship and why. Explain that it is your problem, and that you realize it might just be insecurity....but that you'd like to discuss how you can all work around these uncomfortable feelings.
Same with him. Just be honest...using I statements as to why you are having trouble with the friendship they are developing. Ask for honesty in return even if you know it might hurt.
I think if it is a problem of perception, talking openly with both of them will diffuse it. And if it is a real problem of your boyfriend having mixed feelings, you'll be able to see that as well.
I do think that especially young women can sometimes get into unhealthy situations with men...who occasionally will play on the feelings of both women in a friendship. Often the women will stop communicating with one another, trading in their friendship for male attention. IMO, this is a big mistake...for women to make of each other competition, rather than friends.
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Same with him. Just be honest...using I statements as to why you are having trouble with the friendship they are developing. Ask for honesty in return even if you know it might hurt.
I think if it is a problem of perception, talking openly with both of them will diffuse it. And if it is a real problem of your boyfriend having mixed feelings, you'll be able to see that as well.
I do think that especially young women can sometimes get into unhealthy situations with men...who occasionally will play on the feelings of both women in a friendship. Often the women will stop communicating with one another, trading in their friendship for male attention. IMO, this is a big mistake...for women to make of each other competition, rather than friends.
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