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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Okay I don't usually post in this forum anymore but I wanted some opinions. My roommate has been perfectly fine up until he got a girlfriend. At first it was fine, he just wasn't here much. But now he is here a lot . . . BOTH of them are here a lot. Last week, he did not bother to ask me if it would be okay for his gf to stay here for 3 days straight. I'm serious. For literally 24/hours a day, she was here, for nearly 3 days. I was stuck here studying, so I couldn't exactly leave. She almost drove me crazy. I finally lost it and had to ask him, while she was using the shower on the third day, "when is she LEAVING?!?!?!" at which point, she left. I figured he got the point.

Nope. She's been here again this week for 24 hours straight. I don't like coming home and finding some person who doesn't live here studying away at the kitchen table, using the shower when I need it to get ready for work, etc etc. I know I need to talk to him about it after she leaves (whenever THAT will be!) but I'm wondering what your opinions are on whether I am being reasonable or not in being upset about this? How often is too often for a SO to stay at someone else's place? I don't want to be like "I never want to see her again!!" since really she seems nice, and I don't mind her being here sometimes, but holy crap I'm starting to feel like I have a third roommate, and I'm starting to feel like a third wheel in my own apartment. After about 24 hours of her being here, I start to get really annoyed and feel like my personal space is being infringed upon. After all, I kinda see the apartment as mine. I found the place, all the furniture is mine, I'm acting as the landlord, etc. Although to be honest most of my irritation is at my roomie's inconsideration of me (not even asking me if it'd be okay for her to be here all the time, nor giving me any warning, etc).

I'm just not sure how to handle this appropriately, since I never had this problem with my roommates from last year! Any opinions would be appreciated. Thanks!

ETA: Just to clarify, it's not like I'm here 24/7 myself either. It's just annoying when I go to work, come home, and she's here. I wake up the next day, she's still here. I go for groceries, come back. She's still here. They leave for a bit, I eat and start studying, then go make some coffee to study. She's here again. AGAIN!! AGAIN!! Aghhhh *shoots self*
 

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well, it depends on the size of the place and the number of bathrooms, but she shouldn't be showering, studying, doing laundry, cooking,etc there more than 2 a week- but if she's just there to sleep then 5 nights wouldn't bother me.
 

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See if your roommate would be willing to sign a written agreement with you. Try to establish an agreement about how long each of you can have guests over for extending periods of time.

I'm not sure if that would work, but it's worth a shot! Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Yes she showers, studies, and prepares food here. And I wouldn't mind if it were just sometimes, but for her to literally be here 24 hours a day, I don't know, that just seems like too much to me. If she were just here for a night, left all the next day, came back the next night, etc I would probably not mind so much. OR if she were here for the day but then finally left at night, I'd be okay with that too I guess. But it's like she never leaves! And we only have one bathroom. The size of the place is pretty decent, but our bedrooms are right next to each other and sound insulation is pretty poor and I've had to nicely ask them to shut up a few times so that I could actually sleep. Sigh.
 
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i'd be peeved if she was there more than 2 days straight through in a week... or if she stayed over maybe more than 3 nights in a week, especially if there was lots of annoying giggling and noise keeping me awake. though i'm not a huge fan of uninvited guests- i can't relax with random people in my space, so i may be abnormal about this.

your roomie needs to have taken it up with you too, not just as a matter of courtesy. i think you need to take this up/sort it out with him- have a chat... especially as you're the landlord, you wanna sort it out before it gets messy and causes you loads of grief.

if he doesn't get the hint and take it seriously when you talk to him, and if after a week or so she's still there all the time, i'd remind the bf of your conversation till he gets sick of hearing it and does what you ask, and if that didn't work, then i'd work out how much she's actually been there, then write her a bill for the rent and water and electric she's used, and present it to them: eg: if she's there on average 3 days a week, showering, cooking, watching tv, sleeping over, etc, then thats half a weeks rent she owes you for (on top of what your roomie and you already pay), and as she's used water, electric, etc for half of the week, then she should be paying a portion of those bills too.

wow, i'd make a horrible roomie, hehehe.
 

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I'm pretty biased, as I hate all roommates.
But I'd be having a talk with him right quick. I vote two days a week. Regarding sleep-time, I can kind of understand, except nobody's gonna come over to just go to sleep. They're going to be up talking, practicing baby-making, then that's still one more person to shower in the morning. So I think 5 is too much.

I also think she does need to start paying some bills then, or he can start paying for her. Even if you don't need the extra income (I have no idea if you do or not) who the hell likes a mooch?
 

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Why doesn't he spend an equal number of hours at her place? Does she live with her parents?

No more than 2 nights a week would be my rule, and if she showers, prepares food, etc. more often than that, I'd start charging her a daily rate. For my apartment and the amount I pay in bills, rent, etc, it'd be $10/day, but depending on where you live, significantly more would be appropriate.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Skylark: I'm not sure why exactly. I found it really odd that she appears to go home, get changed, then come back here. There were different shoes on the rug when I came home this evening. Sigh. Yeah I haven't had much chance to discuss this in depth with them. He DOES spend nights somewhere other than here, although for the most part he is either here on the phone with her or has her over.

Anyway, I'm going to follow everyone's advice. I will talk to him tomorrow, whether she is still here or not. I'll post an update.
 

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I've had a ton of experience in this department, seeing as how I've been through 4 different apartments and a total sum of 8 roommates in the last three years.

Because you're playing landlord and everything in the apartment is yours, I think that you have the right to say whether or not you want her there for 3 days at a time.

Have a talk with your roommate. Explain that you feel as though your personal space is being infringed upon and that although you think she's great, you aren't ready to have a third roommate. Her staying around for days at a time is certainly infringing upon your alone time, and because the apartment is your home, that shouldn't be happening.

In my current living situation (It's my apartment as I'm the only person on the lease, and everything in the apartment is mine aside from her bed and dresser. I'm doing her a favor by letting her live with me.), I made it clear before she moved in that I didn't want her boyfriend over here all of the time. I said that I understood that things sometimes come up and that her boyfriend may need to stay over, but that it shouldn't happen often. I said that I didn't mind if he came over during the day, as long he wasn't left unsupervised in our apartment. In respect for her, I said that I would follow the same rules with my boyfriend as well.

We've only been living together for a month so far, but things honestly couldn't be any better. When we want to hang out with our boyfriends, we do it outside of the apartment.
 

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Id be really annoyed at that too. Not so much her being there or whatever but using the shower and cooking in the kitchen is really weird. I dont think Ive ever taken a shower at my boyfriends place...and we have been together 8 months. Not saying there would be anything wrong with it if I needed to use it shower on a random occasion, but why does she need to be staying there so much? To me, it seems like she lives there, and she should pay a portion of the rent and utilities. ANd you have every right to say she cant move in, its your choice if you dont want a third roomate.

At the VERY least, she needs to be checking with YOU before she uses the bathroom, or cooks food in the kitchen, etc. She seems kinda inconsiderate, although he probably told her it was okay, so Id hold him responsible for this, not her.
 

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well, i have been on both sides of the ball on this one.

i lived with a couple of friends a few years back, and my one roomate had her boyfriend sleep over every single night we lived together (365 days), with maybe 5 exceptions. he rarely showered there. but, did make food, use my computer (which aggrevated me to no end), and watched our tv. he also had his own key and would be there when she wasn't. it drove me nuts. he contributed nothing to the bill situation.

but, i also stayed at my ex's apartment probably 95% of the time for about 9 months or so straight. i showered there, made food, and whatnot. i didn't have my own key and was never there when she wasn't though. i payed 1/3 of the gas bill (since i showered and used the gas stove and stayed warm), i threw in a little for the cable bill and both my ex and her roomate were both happy.

so, just to throw my two cents in. having the person help out with bills will definitely make it easier to take, but there was a few times that my ex's roomate asked that i didn't stay over and i obliged. as long as you are open about things, i think it should work out.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I talked to him about it today and he was really cool about it. We agreed that she'd stay here a maximum of two days/nights a week. Also he is taking her to his parents place for a few days to introduce her to them, so I get the place all to myself! Peace and quiet. Ahhh. So I am happy now. Thanks for the advice everyone!
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Michael Conway View Post

but, i also stayed at my ex's apartment probably 95% of the time for about 9 months or so straight. i showered there, made food, and whatnot. i didn't have my own key and was never there when she wasn't though. i payed 1/3 of the gas bill (since i showered and used the gas stove and stayed warm), i threw in a little for the cable bill and both my ex and her roomate were both happy.

so, just to throw my two cents in. having the person help out with bills will definitely make it easier to take, but there was a few times that my ex's roomate asked that i didn't stay over and i obliged. as long as you are open about things, i think it should work out.
Thats kind of what I have going on. My boyfriend stays over quite a bit (we switch back and forth to his house and mine) but he buys TP and paper towles, food my roomies eat, does handy work around the house, fixes roommates computers and has contributed furniture/electronics to my house as well. None of my roommates really care since he contributes so much to the house. He does have his own key because he comes and helps me care for my animals quite a bit, but over christmas, etc. when my roomies were out of town he took care of their cats for free so it works out.

ETA: Plus he and I were here first so they knew about him when they moved in. We've been dating for 4+ years so it's not some random person I sprang on them.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
UPDATE:

It is still a problem. He misunderstood me when we agreed two nights a week. He thought I meant two nights in a row. So he had her here tonight for the third night in a week. I was almost asleep and I kinda woke up and noticed she was here, and I was like wtf. And I immediately became upset that he hadn't been following his end of the deal and I knocked on his door and had him talk to me in the living room. She overheard it all though.

And we had this nice argument (not the yelling kind) where he tried to argue it had only been one night that she had been here this week (she agreed with me it had been two). Then he claimed he thought it was only two nights in a row. Well if you thought two nights in a row wasn't okay why do you have her here for two nights in a row? She was just here last night. So either way you are not following the agreement. I didn't think to argue that until just now though. I do not think well late at night when I'm tired and emotional. Then he started talking about how it's hard to put time restraints on a relationship, and relationships consist of this and that, yadda yadda. I was like, okay I know what a relationship entails and I don't know anyone who feels the need to be at the other person's house all the time. I am never like that with guys I date either, so I don't understand.

Then when he asked me why it upset me besdies the sleeping thing, I was like well she's here half the week when it's three days a week. Which adds up to half a month and last time I checked, she is not contributing anything. And then he claimed she is not using up that many resources. I couldn't believe it. I was just so upset I was shaking. I get very upset when I feel my personal space is being invaded and personally I wasn't expecting him to be unreasonable, so I didn't know how to respond.

We ended with him saying she couldn't go anywhere else tonight and that we would talk about it later since I need to go to sleep for work tomorrow. Like hell that is going to happen NOW!! I need to get up in like 4 hours and I have not slept all weekend hardly.

Anyway sorry for the long babbling. I have already called a friend of mine to complain, and talked to another. I wouldn't mind some more advice. I am going to talk to him tomorrow night after he gets home from work probably, since we won't both be home until midnight (i work day, he works evening) and I do not want to put this off. I am thinking up points to bring up in the discussion but I don't know if I can compromise anymore than I already am. Anyway, I'm done now. Thanks for listening


ETA: I feel kinda bad that she had to overhear the whole conversation. she's probably embarassed now. but I had to stand up for myself. Ugh. I am hoping she will have the common sense to understand what I am saying, since he doesn't. I get the impression he cares more about his girlfriend than about his living relationship with his roommate. He might be dating her, but he lives with me. Probably not for another year after this, but still, he can't just do what he wants, go against our agreement (even the misunderstood version of the agreement!) and expect me to just go with it. AR:GKJSDF: LKJSDFLKJDS [/rant]
 

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I know exactly where you are coming from. I've been there a few times myself. In the end, in my last house, we instituted a rule that said if they stayed more than three nights a week, whether three in a row or not, for any reason, they paid a full portion of rent and bills. We told people up front at the interview right along with explaining how much the rent cost. One of our flatmates was evicted because he consistantly violated this rule. We could do it because no new flatmates were allowed to have their names on the lease which gave us the power to evict at will. It's a shame it's too late for that.

Is his name on the lease by the way? Is it at all possible just to get a new flatmate or is that going overboard in your situation?
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Yeah that's a good idea, although I'd rather charge after more than 2 nights, haha. Three nights does seem like too much. No his name is not on the lease at all. We do however have a lease between ourselves. I'll have to look over it and see what it says as I forget. I didn't think to put rules in it regarding overnight guests, other than that I should get warning about it and that they can't stay more than 7 consecutive days. Anyway it's not bad enough now to evict him. In any case the lease ends in April, so if it's that bad he can just move out and I'll find someone else.

Umm. any advice on how to explain to him the concept of "it's not about how quiet you are, it's about the fact that she doesn't live here and you can't just do whatever you want without regards to my feelings" ? I think this is gonna be a toughie, he was uber defensive and rather illogical.

ETA: In the event that he is stubborn and insists on continuing this, would it be super rude of me to just tell the girlfriend myself that I want her to leave? Cuz I almost did that tonight, lol.
 
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