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Anyone hear last week's sermon at good-ole Landover Baptist. It's a good read.


VEGANS: Modern Day Witches

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/sermons/vegans.html

Sermon by Brother Harry Hardwick

January 26, 2003, 11:00 A.M., Gold-Star Members Service, Main Sanctuary

Friends, you neednt be nostalgic for your mind to occasionally wander back to a better time - a time when the world was far less complicated, when morality reigned supreme, when life was just a whole lot easier and more care-free. I am, of course, referring to the late 1600s. Lucifer was easier to spot back in those days even though the people were simple-minded - even more simple-minded than the current American public when it comes to justifications for war. Satans minions were easy to locate. They looked, acted and spoke differently than anyone else. Their slimy, pickle-colored, wart-ridden skin, enormous noses and jutting chins, web-like, matted hair and sickly demeanor led folks to know instantly what they were -- witches! Front porch cauldrons of bubbling fluid containing the most disgusting insects and rodents imaginable made the home of a witch easy to locate. And the incessant rhyming of incantations made the voice of a witch easy to identify, particularly since there were no rap singers back then. A True Christian could spot a witch a mile away. An even better Christian could strike one with a flaming arrow from the same distance. All it took was a few wooden stakes, some rope and a torch, and the devil was defeated for yet another day.

Things arent so simple any more. Witches have learned a lot since the days of the Puritans. Theyve learned that if they show their hideous faces in public, it wont just be their warts we burn off. So, theyve had to go undercover in their efforts to recruit the weak-willed to the service of their master in Hell. To induce these naïve innocents to join their filthy cult, they have been forced to come up with a politically correct justification for their association. They have had to conceal the real purpose of their late-night meetings, when they cast spells on the vulnerable, brew hideous potions, and sacrifice infants to the devil. They have had to come up with a modern message that will be attractive to the weak-kneed while not raising the ire of True Christians that much. That message is called vegetarianism. Todays witches are called vegans.

One neednt look any further than Christs words to see that so-called vegans are nothing more than sorcerers and demons, mocking God while spitting on His Sons final supper. They know God loves meat and has ordered us to eat as much of it as we can. So they poke fun at the Lord with slogans like Meat is murder and by insisting their members abstain from consuming anything that comes from an animal. Jesus warned us about these diabolical cretins. Turn your Bibles to First Timothy, chapter 4, verses 1 through 3 and recite along with me:

Now the Spirit speaketh expressly, that in the latter times some shall depart from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils; Speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared with a hot iron; Forbidding to marry, and commanding to abstain from meats, which God hath created to be received with thanksgiving of them which believe and know the truth.

I dont know how Jesus could have warned us any more directly about these devils. They try to hide behind phrases like animal lover and animal rights advocate. That is devil-speak if I ever heard it! The Bible makes clear that God created animals for one purpose only - our nutritional and intestinal satisfaction. Just as God created woman solely to be the servant of man, meaning women are to obey their husbands at all times, keep their mouths shut in church and never teach (1 Timothy 2:11-15; Ephesians 5:22-24), so, too, God created animals so we would have something to fill our stomachs with after a hard days work. God told us long before He used Mary to incubate His son: Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you (Genesis 9:3). Every moving thing - not just the ugly ones, not just the dumb ones, like chickens and fish. Every living thing. The most beautiful fawn, the most prized heifer, the most graceful swan, the cutest bunny rabbit. According to God, theyre all nothing more than sausage fodder!

When the apostle, Peter, woke up hungry, what did God give him to eat? Not a pansy platter of carrot sticks, lettuce leaves and orange slices. He gave him every type of four-footed beast on the earth and every fowl of the air, telling him, Rise, Peter, kill, and eat (Acts 10:9-13). When Cain and Abel offered gifts to the Lord, Abel gave the Lord the fat he cut off the hides of his flock whereas Cain gave the Lord a fruit and vegetable tray. The Lord loved Abels offering of something that would stick to His holy ribs and despised Cains lesser offering of mere produce. Cain became jealous and murdered the brother with the superior gift-giving eye (Genesis 4:3-8). This was the first, but my no means the last, human murder committed by these vegans a/k/a witches a/k/a wiccans.

But add another a/k/a to that list - homos. You see, veganism offers a place of solace for sodomites every bit as attractive as a Catholic confessional. Fruits and vegetables are what housewives and sissies on Weight Watchers eat, whereas meat, cheese and butter are what real men eat. If every meal you eat doesnt contain something that lives in, or comes out of something that lives in, a barn, you arent a real man. Jesus warned us that the men who would one day call themselves vegans are nothing more than nancy-boys looking for refuge somewhere. For one believeth that he may eat all things: another, who is weak, eateth herbs (Romans 14:2). Just take a look at these losers - thin as a rail, pale as a ghost. The kind of men we used to beat up every day at school. If you asked any one of them, he would probably admit he supports feminism. The only protein these marys consume was created for a completely different purpose, the misuse of which is precisely what got Onan struck dead by God.

Watch out for these witches and fairies, my friends, for in todays world of ailing morality, they are everywhere. They protest outside leather shops. They ruin other peoples valuable winter coats by hurling buckets of blood on unsuspecting ladies. And they try to destroy the cattle industry with their left-wing talk shows. If you spot one of these demons, detain it and, when youre through roasting that side of beef youre having for dinner, replace that meat on the skewer with the heathen, and help restore a long-missed moral tradition.
 

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yarnblossom, Landover Baptist is a satire of fundamentalist Christians. However, there are people who really think like that.

ETA most Christians aren't that extreme, and some are veg*n themselves.
 

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Quote:
Originally posted by Seadolphin

hahaha, we are evil! EVIL!!!!
lol and I like it

"RedStarJedi\tthey're too big of a wart to cover up Avalon.

Avalon\tBah. Well, consider my Veg-Wiccan ass after theirs'.

Ooops. First I'd better get my wart cover-up."

I though I'd better clarify I meant the intolerent putzs are to big of a wart to cover up.
 

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As funny and relevant as parodies/farces can be, I'm suddenly not very fond of them when someone misunderstands that it's a joke. Yarnblossom, FWIW, I don't find my Christianity and my vegetarianism to be in contradiction.
 
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