VeggieBoards banner

1 - 20 of 83 Posts

·
Herbivorous Urchin
Joined
·
9,717 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is kind of weird post, and I am not entirely sure of the response I'm looking for, I think I just need to get my thoughts out.<br><br>
So, I'm a very active and positive person. Optimism is my state of mind, and I live generally stress free. It actually usually drives my dad nuts how I seem incapable of stressing. I am also, very busy. This weekend (thursday night to this morning) I got to spend the weekend sleeping on Vancouver Island's beautiful beaches just being with the earth and the animals in it, it was amazing and beautiful and I feel so refreshed and amazingly centered and back to... just, so amazing. I cannot even describe how amazing I feel, I swear to you, if I could just live outside I would be the happiest person alive. Anyway! I go to yoga twice a week, I bike about 20 miles a day, longer on days off, and starting Sept. 20th I'll be learning Tai-Chi, taking that twice a week. I want to live forever. I noticed the better I feel and less toxic I feel, the less toxic I eat, it's an amazing thing.<br><br>
My roommate, however, is the most toxic person I know. She is not heavy by any means, but she eats like crap and hates herself for it. She doesn't really exercise, and hates herself for that. She recently told me that I make her feel even worse about herself because I religiously practice what I preach, and she envies how happy I always seem to be. She makes problems where there aren't any, and she wishes she could just 'be'. So I tell her what I do in my life that I feel contributes my life, I included being Vegetarian, never drinking milk, all my exercise and time outdoors. It's really the time outside that makes me feel beautiful, and connected to the beautiful earth.<br><br>
She says she just can't do that. I ask why not, she says she's too busy. I work two jobs and go to school full time, she works part time and isn't in school for the summer. So I can't help but wonder, is there anyway I can get this wonderful health message to her any other way, since she does want it, or at least says she does? She jokes I'll live forever because of my lifestyle and genes, I say she could too if she wanted. She says it's too hard. Any ideas?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
824 Posts
Id stop trying with her. I can not stand people like that. For years people asked me weight loss advice since I had lost a large amount of weight after my kids and started running (and now im biking too!! on my way to a tri!) and being very active outdoors. I got so sick of repeating myself and hearing the lame excuses I just stopped. Now I say "i dont know". When someone is ready to change they will and never before. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/sad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":("> It sucks. Im sorry she is your roommate.<br>
Where those the pics on FB? If so I need to visit the west coast STAT.
 

·
Herbivorous Urchin
Joined
·
9,717 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>veganmama884</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2959658"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Id stop trying with her. I can not stand people like that. For years people asked me weight loss advice since I had lost a large amount of weight after my kids and started running (and now im biking too!! on my way to a tri!) and being very active outdoors. I got so sick of repeating myself and hearing the lame excuses I just stopped. Now I say "i dont know". When someone is ready to change they will and never before. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/sad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":("> It sucks. Im sorry she is your roommate.<br>
Where those the pics on FB? If so I need to visit the west coast STAT.</div>
</div>
<br>
Yepp!! It was so beautiful, there aren't words. I live in Bellingham, WA which is about the most beautiful town on the planet, but Vancouver Island runs a close second!<br><br><br>
And I think you're right. It's just hard because she whines about wanting to change all the time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
824 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>River</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2959745"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Yepp!! It was so beautiful, there aren't words. I live in Bellingham, WA which is about the most beautiful town on the planet, but Vancouver Island runs a close second!<br><br><br>
And I think you're right. It's just hard because she whines about wanting to change all the time.</div>
</div>
<br>
I think I "liked" 10 million of your pics!!! Breathtaking! Someday I will make it out there.<br>
I had a friend named stephanie for 20 years. She would text me constantly about food and workouts, Id tell her what to do and she would text back a day later "sorry had pizza whatever" and I had to just say "that sucks" every time she complained. SHe eventually got the hint.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,075 Posts
Perhaps the reason that she hates herself is not related to diet or exercise. I have gone through phases where I had a very healthy lifestyle with lots of exercise but I felt not much better moodwise, though I did have a lot more energy in the physical sense.<br><br>
It could be that she has a lot to figure out in her life. Perhaps she doesnt know where she is going and does not have the meaning and purpose she is looking for. You may be fit and healthy and positive, and that is great, but not all people are so robust.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,056 Posts
in my experience with whatever it is regarding health habits, if someone wants to make changes they are actively working their butt of for it (just like you did, just like i am). so if she was asking you for advice about working out, for instance, she'd already be making a big effort if she was serious. otherwise, it's just not worth your time and energy because there is no shortcut for anyone. just work and dedication. you don't get the runner's high without running.<br><br>
i'd point to an elliptical and say "work your way up to 240 minutes a week on that, and then come back to me and i'll help with other things". if she asks for anything else, all you have to say is "how is your elliptical work coming?". she'll say "it's not". do that enough times and eventually she'll get the hint.<br><br>
basically, you need to get rid of her.<br><br>
i've gone through this myself the last couple of months in san antonio. they guy i'm renting a room from turned out to be an alcoholic and an inconsiderate, impulsive glutton. i've finally got him to stop asking me for advice he's never going to take anyway, despite my dumbing it down to caveman level. i'll be so glad to get back to florida <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">. sept 2, i am out of here and back in my nice cozy house <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">. if i ever do another travel assignment i'm going to hook up with the vegan society and try to find a roommate that way. no more craigslist. i went to a vegan lunch society lunch today, and those people were totally awesome! the secret is to hook up with awesome people <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,483 Posts
Toxic people often are just. plain. toxic. I'm not sure I can give you any advice, just encouragement to stick to your guns. And not to let it bother you when you feel like you are talking to a brick wall. Having a positive influence around will make it easier, but if she really wants to change, end the end she'll have to do all the work herself. Good luck, hun. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":hug:">
 

·
Herbivorous Urchin
Joined
·
9,717 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Kibbleforlola</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2959789"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Toxic people often are just. plain. toxic. I'm not sure I can give you any advice, just encouragement to stick to your guns. And not to let it bother you when you feel like you are talking to a brick wall. Having a positive influence around will make it easier, but if she really wants to change, end the end she'll have to do all the work herself. Good luck, hun. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":hug:"></div>
</div>
<br>
Thanks >.< It's funny, I'll be gone all day and she'll have spent it at home on the couch. When I come home, she'll ask "What did you do today?" "Rode around, went to the farmers market, swam in the bay" Which leads to, every time, "I should have done that". *sighs*<br><br><br>
@Freesia: She constantly says she wants to be more environmental and less lazy, I can't only take it to mean that at face value.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
824 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>River</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2959839"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Thanks >.< It's funny, I'll be gone all day and she'll have spent it at home on the couch. When I come home, she'll ask "What did you do today?" "Rode around, went to the farmers market, swam in the bay" Which leads to, every time, "I should have done that". *sighs*<br><br><br>
@Freesia: She constantly says she wants to be more environmental and less lazy, I can't only take it to mean that at face value.</div>
</div>
<br>
Tell her you twiddle your thumbs all day.
 

·
Herbivorous Urchin
Joined
·
9,717 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>veganmama884</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2959844"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Tell her you twiddle your thumbs all day.</div>
</div>
<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/laugh.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":lol:">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,324 Posts
Change is hard and scary especially when you have low self esteem and you hate yourself. The hatred tends to be more powerful than the motivation and determination to change.<br><br>
I think that your positivity and the way you live your life is fantastic and amazing. I understand how you could be frustrated with your roommate. It's great that you have the drive and desire to do the things you do and that it all seems so easy and simple to you but that's not the case for everyone.<br><br>
Does you roommate suffer from depression? People that suffer from depression can't just get off the couch and stop being lazy. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/sad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":(">
 

·
Herbivorous Urchin
Joined
·
9,717 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>fadeaway1289</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2959914"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Change is hard and scary especially when you have low self esteem and you hate yourself. The hatred tends to be more powerful than the motivation and determination to change.<br><br>
I think that your positivity and the way you live your life is fantastic and amazing. I understand how you could be frustrated with your roommate. It's great that you have the drive and desire to do the things you do and that it all seems so easy and simple to you but that's not the case for everyone.<br><br>
Does you roommate suffer from depression? People that suffer from depression can't just get off the couch and stop being lazy. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/sad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":("></div>
</div>
<br>
No, she's actually not depressed, she just won't practice what she preaches and whines about it. Actually, she whines about everything. But no, shes not depressed as far as I can see.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,693 Posts
The day to day pursuit of pleasure and avoidance of pain accomplishes neither, and this is how most people live their lives. I came to the conclusion long ago that happiness is simply a state of mind, achieved through willpower and discipline, as opposed to the result of the good and bad things that happen to us in life. A happy person will almost always be happy, and a pissed off person will almost always be pissed off. Some people get it and some people don't. I have yet to find a way to explain it that initiates a change in someone who doesn't.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,423 Posts
i agree......I'm a happy smiley person....but I certainly know people who are the opposite, and their personalities can be toxic!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,324 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>River</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2960516"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
No, she's actually not depressed, she just won't practice what she preaches and whines about it. Actually, she whines about everything. But no, shes not depressed as far as I can see.</div>
</div>
<br>
Oh this rooommate is the 'recycle wanna be environmental queen' isn't it? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/sad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":(">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,548 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>River</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2960516"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
No, she's actually not depressed, she just won't practice what she preaches and whines about it. Actually, she whines about everything. But no, shes not depressed as far as I can see.</div>
</div>
<br>
>depression<br>
>I can see<br><br>
depression can be a little more subtle than that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,299 Posts
Speaking from LOADS of experience, I think she does have depression. I agree with Envy, it can be subtle. The low-self esteem, negativity, and lack of motivation are all symptoms.<br><br>
I have battled with this disease (that's what it is), caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain, for most of my life. I know how she feels, and I feel nothing but empathy for her. It's great that you have your **** together, but you need to realize that she just isn't in a place where she can accomplish all that without first seeking professional help. I have been in her shoes. People who don't have the disease just don't understand. Every day is a struggle. It isn't simply a matter of being optimistic rather than pessimistic, or choosing to eat healthy and be active. You have to slay some major dragons first, and perhaps the largest one is realizing you are sick and need help.<br><br>
I don't really have any advice on how to "deal" with her. She'll need to figure it out on her own, or with the help of those closest to her. In the meantime, try to be more understanding.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,299 Posts
I'd also like to add that just because someone isn't optimistic and smiley doesn't mean they're "toxic".
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,026 Posts
Here's my two cents:<br>
People with low self esteem or dysthymia often have had some (or many) very negative past experiences. They've literally been beaten down by life. (If she sits around all day on the sofa and doesn't do anything then that's a good sign she has a type of depression like dysthymia.) You can't just tell them once or twice how to be happy and then expect them to change.<br><br>
Being happy is a learned trait that (often) comes from many positive past experiences. Someone who is sad needs to learn how to be happy, starting with small things and working slowly towards major change. Telling her to go vegetarian and ride a bike 20 miles a day is totally overwhelming. She's not going to change because that feels like way way way too much.<br><br>
Pick one small change to work on and gently nudge her in that direction. As often as she whines about hating herself or her life urge her to do that one small thing, like "want to take a walk?" Eventually she'll probably get off her butt and go for a walk with you. And then she'll do it again. And again. Until she's decided she's interested enough in fitness that she doesn't need your help/encouragement.<br><br>
Or, it might not work. But if that's the case then at least you really tried.
 

·
Herbivorous Urchin
Joined
·
9,717 Posts
Discussion Starter · #20 ·
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>fadeaway1289</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2960769"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Oh this rooommate is the 'recycle wanna be environmental queen' isn't it? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/sad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":("></div>
</div>
<br>
Yes, yes it is.<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Envy</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2960776"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
>depression<br>
>I can see<br><br>
depression can be a little more subtle than that.</div>
</div>
<br>
Hence why I added the 'as far as I can see' I can't know what goes on in someone else's head.<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>sequoia</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2960819"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
I'd also like to add that just because someone isn't optimistic and smiley doesn't mean they're "toxic".</div>
</div>
<br>
It's toxic to me if she won't stfu being constantly negative around me. I never spend any time at home because whenever I do she's whining or bitching about something in her life, and while we've been friends for over a year, I simply don't care anymore. I'm sick of her making up problems because she feels like nothing else is going on in her life, and then make everything in my life up for debate.<br><br>
So yes, it can be toxic to the other people that can't go home for fear of dealing with her.
 
1 - 20 of 83 Posts
Top