[glimmermarielea]

O.k. being a newbie I know I'm throwing out my personal life pretty early seeing as I don't know any of you but since you all believe in the same things I do and such I'd love to get your opinions. I'm married, have been for 5 years. I love my husband to death but the last 2 years I've been actually happy with him probably 25% of the time. Here's the thing about that time, we both changed. I became a vegetarian, this wasn't a huge step for me though as I've been a huge animal lover my whole life and refused to eat red meat, and most dairy products when I was 12. My husband became a punk, started a band, started drinking a lot, and was and is hardly ever home. Nowdays when he is home I just can't seem to talk to him. I had him watch meet your meat and he got very angry when he saw it at the factory farm industry then an hour later proceeded to go eat some hotdogs with out flinching. Since then he hasn't even tried to cut down his meat in take. He constantly makes fun of the way I eat and my beliefs. He can't stand being out in nature- which is something I can't live without. My major I'm going for is outdoor education/leadership so I will most certainly be living in the mountains either in a small town or in the middle of nowhere when I graduate. He wants to live in the city. The only things we share in common what so ever is our love for fantasy/adventure movies, Buffy and Angel, and most music we listen to. I honestly can't remember the last time we had sex and he completely spaces out birthdays, anniversaries, valentine's,etc. I'm not asking for some expensive gift, a card, a love letter, a flower, anything. He also has suddenly gotten a mean temper which has been scaring me. One time he couldn't find me for 20 min. in a video store than when he did he grabbed me loudly cussing me out and dragged me out of the store. He had bought a large soda in there before and wanted to go to Carl's Jr. for something to eat and I told him it was late and it would be closed. He dragged me there than tried to open the door and it was of course locked he then threw his soda at the door and cussed out the employees inside. I was very upset and told him I wanted to walk home alone,we ended up fighting and he basically ended up at one point calling me his "property". I didn't talk to him for 2 days. He's punched in the walls at home, put me down repeatedly,etc. He has never hit me but a couple of times has grabbed me hard and shook me. The thing is I know I should leave him but I stupidly keep holding on to the hope of having what we had when we were first together but I know deep down that that's never going to happen. I also moved in with him straight from living at home and am scared to death of living on my own.

 

[Epinephrine]

it seems like you already know what is best for you. hang in there <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":hug:"> maybe you can start looking for a roommate?

 

[kerouac]

You should be more "scared to death" of living with him.<br><br><br><br>
I do not believe that your husband just "got" his violent anger, but probably has always had it. Did he tortue animals as a kid? Did he get suspended at school alot? I digress on that topic though, as I don't know him or you.<br><br><br><br>
Simply put, if you yourself do not want to get harmed, I'd get out as soon as possible.<br><br><br><br>
Do what you think is necessary to keep yourself safe.<br><br><br><br>
But, I'm don't know you nor am I a doctor, I just play one on the internet.

 

[Miss Meg]

If he is drinking more he may also be doing drugs which could in turn be bringing out a bad temper. This will only get worse. Why wait until he does hit you? You have already realized the potential is there. A good person whould never call you his property. You belong to yourself and yourself only. I may not know you that well but you seem like a kind caring and interesting person. You deserve better. You deserve someone you can share your interests with. Find somewhere to safe to stay FIRST, then call him and tell him you have left. Don't let yourself be alone with him in case he does get violent. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":hug:">

 

[glimmermarielea]

Thank you for the replies. Regarding his temper, The first 4 1/2 years we were together (we lived together 1 1/2 years before getting married) he never once put me down, never hit anything or got really angry. We had debates but that was about it. It was once he started hanging around the wrong crowd 2 years ago and drinking did things start to go down hill. It's also not an everyday thing, more like once or twice a month. The putting me down part is all the time though. He says it like he's trying to be joking and loving about it but what's loving about saying I have a big ass, am a goody too shoe, have no life, etc. He has called me a frumpy house wife several times. It hurts my feelings, I've told him several times and he'll stop for a little while than do it again. That night when he went off and called me his property, he apologized for it prufusely the next morning. I know he's not on drugs though because I've heard him outside ripping a friend a new ass over them doing drugs and he thought I was asleep. He's very outspokenly against them to everyone. And the alcohol use has toned down a lot. In fact the last time I saw him drunk was a year ago and he's home every night, sometimes late, but he always comes home. His friends however are complete jerks, one wrote a song for their band extremely degrading to women talking about all their good for is using their hair as handle bars. I wonder if it's from being around them or if he used to be this way before he met me but it's just been hidden from me all this time. His father is a horrible man, the most racist, sexist, ******* I've ever known in my life. He was homeless and lived with us for a couple of months and I kicked him out. There is only so much I can take. He know lives in his car. It sounds heartless, but if you only knew the man. I have gone as far as telling my husband that if he becomes like he did that night again I will leave him immediatly, I don't deserve that. And he's been good ever since, that was about 3 weeks ago. But how long is that going to last.

 

[Peter Parker]

<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>glimmermarielea</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
I have gone as far as telling my husband that if he becomes like he did that night again I will leave him immediatly, I don't deserve that. And he's been good ever since, that was about 3 weeks ago. But how long is that going to last.</div>
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it sounds like he loves you and doesnt want to leave you that he is trying to improve.<br><br>
talk with him, let him know that you see he is trying to improve, and that it means a lot to you.

 

[NDvegan85]

It doesn't really sound like he has your best interests at heart. I think you know what you need to do too. I'm sorry that this is happening. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":hug:">

 

[MollyGoat]

I think you have two viable options: get help or get out. Probably the situation isn't going to change on its own.

 

[CarbLover]

I was in a similar situation with my ex-boyfriend. He started hanging out with some friends that gave him the idea that respecting your girlfriend or trying to make her happy somehow made you pussy-whipped and unmanly. That is pretty much when things started to go downhill, but it was a slow, hellish process. His negative traits amplified and he was very rarely considerate of my feelings. I'd discuss it with him and he'd get mad at me for criticizing him. Sometimes he would be nice for a few days and it would start again. He'd go out drinking with his friends and wouldn't tell me when he was getting home. He wouldn't answer his phone. Sometimes I wouldn't see him again until the next morning, but in a way it was better than when he came home drunk.<br><br><br><br>
Things aren't just going to get better on their own. I had the same hope you did, but unless he is willing to put forth the effort to permanently change his behavior, you need to get out of the relationship. I recommend counseling, and if he isn't willing to go, go yourself to strengthen your resolve. When you've been in a relationship where you are constantly put down for a long time, it's hard to muster up the self-esteem to take control of your life and get out. But trust me, there are men out there who will respect your feelings and won't take you for granted.

 

[thebelovedtree]

You both need to get professional help, or you need to leave. My Dad hitting my Mom started the same way, First verbal abuse, then he shook her, then he got to where he would hold her up against the wall, and finally he started hitting, then he hit me. She wasted 10 years of her life, and let it wait until there were two kids involved before she would leave. Waiting only makes it harder, don't wait until you're going to be a single mom, or you don't have a job, and no where to go.<br><br><br><br>
If your husband is willing to get help, then do it together. It sounds like he doesn't really have a role model of what a good husband should be, but that isn't an excuse. Abuse is a deal breaker, if things don't do a 180 right now, then it needs to be over, for your safety.

 

[Peter Parker]

<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>thebelovedtree</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
You both need to get professional help, or you need to leave. My Dad hitting my Mom started the same way, First verbal abuse, then he shook her, then he got to where he would hold her up against the wall, and finally he started hitting, then he hit me. She wasted 10 years of her life, and let it wait until there were two kids involved before she would leave. Waiting only makes it harder, don't wait until you're going to be a single mom, or you don't have a job, and no where to go.<br><br><br><br>
If your husband is willing to get help, then do it together. It sounds like he doesn't really have a role model of what a good husband should be, but that isn't an excuse. Abuse is a deal breaker, if things don't do a 180 right now, then it needs to be over, for your safety.</div>
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been there too. if things dont change get out. its not fun getting knocked out, its harder to leave when its your Dad doing it because you try to stop fights between your parents. meh. please find some help. if he hits you dont hit him, hit the door. you can buy new clothes, you can get new things, hard to get a new life. or fix a crushed eye socket, broken jaw, broken ribs and other various bones.<br><br><br><br>
im sorry doesnt fix bones. trust me.

 

[Bizy]

My opinion is, if he won't agree to commiting to get professional help (like marriage counseling or something to that degree) to leave him. There is no excuse for an guy to act like that. Even though most of the women in my family have been abused in past marriages they all did get out and because of that they are alive. I really believe that if my mom hadn't of gotten out of her first marriage that she would be dead. She with stood so much that when she finally left him, her body untensed, and she was in the hospital for that for months....Please keep in mind what we all here have said....

 

[GhostUser]

I think its time to end the relationship...get some breathing space...

 

[heathdwatts]

Hi,<br><br>
You should leave your husband right now. If someone is physically abusing you, like your husband is, you should leave and get protection from him.<br><br>
Heath

 

[GhostUser]

Pack a bag of clothes, call a taxi, go to a women's shelter and never speak to him again except through a lawyer.<br><br><br><br>
You know you should leave him. If you thought it was acceptable (his behaviour), you wouldn't have asked for advice.<br><br><br><br>
It may seem hard packing and leaving, but it will be harder once you have a broken nose and 3 cracked ribs.

 

[Wiccanveg]

Are there any friends you could stay with? Because you could give him an ultimatum, his friends or you. That also might enrage him further so I'd recommend staying with family, and tell them not to let you go back to the house alone.

 

[Skylark]

As much as I want to believe that there's hope for everyone, in this case, I don't think that staying with him for the time being is your best option. Maybe someday he will permanently change for the better. However, until that's happened and you can prove it to people other than you, <i>don't take your chances.</i> Staying with him may come across as approval, even if it's not.

 

[tearhsong2]

Honey, you need to get out of there. Abuse is abuse is abuse is abuse. Doesn't matter if he's shaking you, beating you, putting you down, intimidating you, threatening you, etc. It is abuse no matter how you look at it. Pack your clothes and a few necessities, call a friend or family member to see if you can stay with them until you can get going on your own. If you can't do that, go to a women's shelter. From there you can either get help or get an attorney. What's most important right now is to stop living with him and seeing him unless it's around other people that *you* can trust.

 

[Stephanie]

I agree with the others. People don't suddenly get a bad temper. It's been in him for a long time. Noone deserves being treated like that and you aren't property. You deserve love & respect and he's not giving you that at all. It only gets worse. I know you're scared of living on your own, but you should be more scared of what might and most likely will happen if you remain with him. I know it's incredibly hard, but you have to think about you. You deserve to be free from abuse or harm of any kind. You deserve love that doesn't scare you. Love that makes you feel good. He's not giving that to you. This just isn't a positive relationship and it seems deep down you know this. It's just incredibly difficult because you love him & you have a small belief that maybe he will change and go back to what he once was. I think you know the truth though. I think you know what's right, but you're scared to take that step. I think you came here knowing we would say what you already know, that you need to leave him.<br><br>
That you deserve much more than he can give you. That real love is free from abuse and that you should never be afraid of the one you love. It's time to do what's best for you. It's time to explore your options and be happy. I wish you the best! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":hug:">

 

[GhostUser]

get out. fast. there are many wimmyn's shelters around everywhere, try some close girl buddies, do anything. my mom has been putting up with my father for 15 years, and shes had plenty of oppurtunities to get out, and she hasnt. i dont want you to end up like her, trapped in a very very ugly relationship, and keeping the three of us (my sisters and i) trapped in it. are you in college? do you go to any kind of school? because maybe then you could move into a dorm or a small loft/apartment on or near campus and that would be better. this is a good oppurtunity to help yourself, and perhaps get him some help as well, so that if there is another womyn in his life, that this wont happen to her. DO NOT RISK ANYTHING. Get out. Do you have a bank account? draw out some money to rent a place for a little while, just please for your safety get out. If he truly wants you to be in his life, he will sober up, get rid of his nasty new buddies, and agree to therapy/conseling of some kind. If he doesnt, then he is not worth it, and defintly not worth a trip to the hospital or feeling like you are his punching bag.<br><br><br><br>
please, leave the situation immediatly, go somewhere safe, and DO not contact him while you are alone, even if its by phone. always have a person with you, and always have a quick and easy way to contact authorities if need be. if you do call him, have people there for support to help you out. If you meet him in person ( which i do not think you should ever do under any circumstances) do it in a public place with lots of people during day light. you do not know what he will do if he shows up under the influence of drugs or alcohol. And if he does show up under the influence of a substance and does get violent, there will be lots of people to witness and hear your calls for help.<br><br><br><br>
i hope that helps, and please, your safety and well being should always be at the top of your list.<br><br><br><br>
Rebel Girl.