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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm 38, straight male - in a strange kind of open-relationship with a woman for several years now.

Ever since I first discovered sex at 17, my intitial reaction was "oh, is that it?"
It was ok - and being with a woman was wonderful - but I'm talking about actual physical sexual intercourse, (or oral sex etc) - rather than anything to do with the relationship or emotional side of things - just the purely physical side of it.

Over the years I've been with several women, and experimented with men too, but wasn't into that. And that feeling never really left me - I'm not talking about being asexual - ie. not havign sexual urges - but rather feeling very sexual but not finding penertrative sex or oral sex etc very interesting at all.

Since being with the woman I'm seeing now (and to a lesser extent in the past) we've explored BDSM, which I've found far more appealing - and I'm in the strange postion now where although sex is ok, if I was a with a woman who was indifferent to sex, I doubt I'd ever bother to try to initiate sex, cos I've just never found sex anywhere near as good as BDSM, or just snuggling and cuddling, or just lying in bed together having a conversation - to me sex is there in the background as something that's kinda "meh, if she wants it that's fine, but i'm not that bothered"

I wonder if anyone else has experienced anything like that?
I've talked to male and female friends over the years about all kinds of stuff - one thing I discovered I have in common with a surprisingly large number of straight men (haven't spoken about it with gay friends, so I can't speak for them) - first time I ever had a woman perform oral sex on me, I found it really boring - which sounds awful - I wouldn't even think about telling a woman that - but that's how it's always been - I kinda wondered if there was something wrong with me after more occasions where it was always the same - but talking to male friends, a lot of them told me it was exactly the same for them - I know for most straight guys being given oral sex is kinda the best thing imaginable, but there seems to be a silent minority who don't find it very exciting, but would never be so ungrateful as to tell a partner that - felt kind of a relief when I heard other guys say that - thought "at least it's not just me then".
Just made me wonder - am I the only non-asexual person who doesn't actually think sex itself is very interesting?

I've had experiences with women I've been in love with, and casual sex - 3somes, kinky, or gentle loving and romantic - and just kinda come to the conclusion, that whatever it is that other people find so enjoyable about it, either I've missing it, or I've learned to enjoy other stuff so much more, and sex doesn't compare.
I'm not a stereo-typical male who wants casual sex, i'm probably more in touch with my emotional side than any of the straight male friends I have - i'm one of those men who tends to end up beign freinds with women more than chasing them for sex - but I'm not remotely asexual, have very strong sexual urges, but just find that BDSM or sometimes fantasy or masturbation is wonderful way to express them, but sex just doesn't do much for me at all.
 

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You may be asexual.

EDIT: Okay, read the rest of your post. So... not asexual as you do have a sex drive, but only some types of sex are satisfying. Everyone is different. Some people are autoerotics or BDSM, others can get off just by thinking about it. You shouldn't worry about not being normal.
 

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Okay, I skimmed that... too long to read....

but I'm actually the same way. Sex is... okay. I'm really into the BDSM scene as well, and that's the exciting part of being with a girl, for me. Controlling, spanking, hair-pulling, etc... But as for oral or penetration... eh, I could do without. I honestly don't feel much when it happens. It's the boring part of being intimate. I generally don't even get off - seriously, I can go for an hour or two, whether it's penetration, oral, or hand, and the girl always gets tired before I'm done. I don't mind giving oral, though - love it, actually, because I'm good at it.
I've always been into cyber and phone sex, though... You get much more of a chance to be creative because it's no fun if you're just virtually pumping.
Just part of life, I guess.
 

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This thread has me thinking that I'm probably a panromantic asexual. I'm down with emotional intimacy and relationships but I don't really have an interest in sexual intimacy at all.
 

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I am like that as well Rhys. From the beginning of my sexual experiences everything was just messed up.

My husband sometimes jokes and says I am an Ice Queen (which make me really sad) but I can also understand why. I am just not interested in sex.

I often think its not fair on him and feel really really bad.
 

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I am like that as well Rhys. From the beginning of my sexual experiences everything was just messed up.

My husband sometimes jokes and says I am an Ice Queen (which make me really sad) but I can also understand why. I am just not interested in sex.

I often think its not fair on him and feel really really bad.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by kasandra View Post

I am like that as well Rhys. From the beginning of my sexual experiences everything was just messed up.

My husband sometimes jokes and says I am an Ice Queen (which make me really sad) but I can also understand why. I am just not interested in sex.

I often think its not fair on him and feel really really bad.
That is not cool of your husband
 

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There's no rule that says that you must like penetrative or oral sex. I don't think it's weird or anything, just not a particularly common thing amongst men - in my experience.

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Originally Posted by Soyabean View Post

first time I ever had a woman perform oral sex on me, I found it really boring - which sounds awful - I wouldn't even think about telling a woman that - but that's how it's always been -
Performing oral sex usually gets one hell of a good response from a man so if you bored by it or not into it all that much, I don't think you'd need to tell her would you, I would think it would be fairly obvious. If this woman you are having a relationship with hasn't noticed that you aren't that into receiving head, you should probably tell her cos it's a bit of a bummer if you're doing something for someone thinking that they are liking it and they're not.
 

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I have a really varying sex drive. When it's low then I find sex pretty boring too. It's okay but I do all I can to make him finish soon so it can be over. It's pleasant enough that I will just go with it because his sex drive is pretty constantly high, but I could easily do without it. At other times I love it and when he's finished I immediately initiate starting it over again.

Many days I try and discourage him from giving me an orgasm (I can't orgasm from penetration, it has to be other things) because it takes me ages and frankly it can be a little boring waiting. But he gets really upset if I don't orgasm, because he don't understand how I can enjoy sexual activity when it doesn't lead to one, so I usually just roll with it.

I don't think you're that unusual really. Just do what works for you
 

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I actually get more of a rush from BDSM than just plain ol sex myself. Sometimes I feel it's...overrated. It just seems like there should be more ya know. Thankfully, I am in a poly relationship and my hubby understands my not-so-great desire for sex.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nishani View Post

There's no rule that says that you must like penetrative or oral sex. I don't think it's weird or anything, just not a particularly common thing amongst men - in my experience.

Performing oral sex usually gets one hell of a good response from a man so if you bored by it or not into it all that much, I don't think you'd need to tell her would you, I would think it would be fairly obvious. If this woman you are having a relationship with hasn't noticed that you aren't that into receiving head, you should probably tell her cos it's a bit of a bummer if you're doing something for someone thinking that they are liking it and they're not.
I agree with all of this! Just like some people only eat because they have to and some people are total foodies. (My sister once told me "I'm really not that into food.") And you should definitely say something to your partner about this, since when she is going down on you, she probably thinks she's doing you a favor.

It's good that you've found something you are interested in and hopefully you can find partners who are compatible with that. We all prefer different things. BDSM sounds terrible to me, but many of you in this thread like it. And that's totally fine and normal.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I should have clarified - I've talked openly about everything with my partner - when I said about not necessarily saying anything, I wasn't talking about when I was in a relationship.
 

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The first time I had sex was only a month ago. So my views might change, Idk.

But I don't find sex exciting at all. Just gives you something to do. I mean, its not bad. But It makes me sore, the smell of sex bothers me (It lingers.), and I get bored about 5 minutes in.

I guess I could see how BDSM becomes in to play.
I haven't done it. But its interesting. fun. It makes sex less boring, I'd assume.
So no, you're not the only one.

I remember the first time I had sex, I just sat there thinking "God, I could never be a sex addict."
 

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Advertisers rely on it way too much for sales. Couples rely way too much on it for intimacy. Western culture is obsessed with it. It can feel pleasurable sure, but sex is overrated.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Earthling View Post

I have a really varying sex drive. When it's low then I find sex pretty boring too. It's okay but I do all I can to make him finish soon so it can be over. It's pleasant enough that I will just go with it because his sex drive is pretty constantly high, but I could easily do without it. At other times I love it and when he's finished I immediately initiate starting it over again.

Many days I try and discourage him from giving me an orgasm (I can't orgasm from penetration, it has to be other things) because it takes me ages and frankly it can be a little boring waiting. But he gets really upset if I don't orgasm, because he don't understand how I can enjoy sexual activity when it doesn't lead to one, so I usually just roll with it.

I don't think you're that unusual really. Just do what works for you
This is me and my boyfriend exactly.
 

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This thread in general makes me so sad.


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Originally Posted by RabbitLuvr View Post

Even when my sex drive is high, I prefer to just take care of it myself, it's so much quicker and easier that way.
Well, Darlin' that's sex too!
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by RabbitLuvr View Post

True.
See, you *do* like sex!

Yay, we have one!

Anyone else like sex? ANY kind of sex?
 
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