VeggieBoards banner

1 - 20 of 21 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,945 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Friends of mine...<br><br>
Helped their oldest with college to the tune of $50,000. $30,000 was a gift and an additional $20,000 was loaned when their "child" had not completed college in her mid-twenties. I know the last $20,000 was difficult for the family to part with, as they still had younger kids at home and the family is middle class.<br><br>
"Child" finishes school at 28 and is now making good money. However, she never thanked her parents for their help and got mad when they asked her to begin paying back the 20K when she started working. She resented their rushing her. She offered to pay $200 a month.<br>
They asked for $300 and she is paying that, though somewhat resentfully. Plus, whenever she talks to her parents, she brings up her other school loans. Like, poor me, I have all this debt. I think it's around $50,000 also. She makes more than that in a year.<br><br>
At the same time, she is partying like there is no tomorrow and has a huge trip planned next year to Europe. Probably going to cost $10K.<br><br>
Thoughts?<br><br>
I'd like to make her mother feel better. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/undecided.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":-/">
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
8,995 Posts
I think it's a family matter that it's best to stay out of. Yes, the daughter is self centered and immature, but they raised her. Anything you say may well come back and bite you. It's like when a couple is fighting, and one of them unloads on you - as soon as they make up, you're the bad guy, if you've said anything critical.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,022 Posts
What Mean Little Person said. Now, if you're opinion is asked, go to town. It's their situation, and they should deal with it.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
8,995 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>unovegan</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2818073"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Mean Little Person</div>
</div>
<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/bigcry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":cry:">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,945 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Everyone knows it's not all in the raising. I'm very close with the family, not worried about backlash or anything of that nature. Maybe others have a similar experience?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
8,995 Posts
Most of us have had similar experiences, one way or another. The point I was trying to make is that there's no way of saying "your kid sucks" that will make parents feel appreciably better. (If there is, it sure would be interesting to hear.) If the kid is young, you can tell them that it's a phase, that most kids grow out of it, etc., but at 28, I don't think that flies, as far as basic character traits are concerned.<br><br>
The positive is that she is making payments, however grudgingly. A lot of kids just blow their parents off entirely.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,272 Posts
Yes I agree this is a personal family matter to your friends. Yes she seems self centered but, I would stay out of this mess. I am sorry your friends family have to deal with her.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,385 Posts
well, there is nothing you really can do. i mean she is paying money back, you can't force her to change her attitude<br><br>
the whole situation weirds me out. one thing, that i am sure nobody will agree with me here because of cultural differences, is that i always find it sad when people with such close relations loan money to each other instead of giving it. my parents are trying to force money on me and get extremely offended if i ever mention giving back what they put into my education. and on the other hand if her family is in financial trouble of some kind it is weird that now that she makes so much money she doesn't want to help the out and have a smaller trip to Europe. both of this just makes me think that people care less about family than money
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
8,995 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Ira</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2818263"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
well, there is nothing you really can do. i mean she is paying money back, you can't force her to change her attitude<br><br>
the whole situation weirds me out. one thing, that i am sure nobody will agree with me here because of cultural differences, is that i always find it sad when people with such close relations loan money to each other instead of giving it. my parents are trying to force money on me and get extremely offended if i ever mention giving back what they put into my education. and on the other hand if her family is in financial trouble of some kind it is weird that now that she makes so much money she doesn't want to help the out and have a smaller trip to Europe. both of this just makes me think that people care less about family than money</div>
</div>
<br>
I actually agree. If a relative or close friend needs money and you're able to help out, it should be done with no strings attached. What the recipient chooses to do about paying it back, working it off, or paying it forward is up to them, although it might well have an impact on how eager I am to help that person out in the future.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,684 Posts
Stay out of it unless asked for your opinion, and then do it diplomatically. Unwanted, unsolicited advice has a tendency of turning people off to anything you would want to say on the subject.<br><br>
Loaning money to family members, IMO, should only be done veeeeery carefully and under limited circumstances. It tends to cause resentment and uncomfortableness at family holidays, even if the borrower is trying to pay back the money. If you want to give money, never expecting to get any of it back, that's one thing. I do have a loan through my sister, but that's a very unusual circumstance and because I have been diligent about paying the money back even ahead of schedule, it's never caused hurt feelings between us. She only suggested the loan because she knows me well. She knows I would never leave a debt out there hanging, and she knows I value our relationship more than money. But, sadly, a lot of people are not like that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,945 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
They loaned her the money out of their retirement account. They had no choice but to make it a loan. They can't give any of their children more than 30K towards college, which was more than enough for their son who is about to graduate from CU with an engineering degree.<br><br>
All I want to do is make the mom feel better. Any advice on that?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,324 Posts
I wouldn't give her any specific advice on her financial issues with her daughter but just make it known to her that you will always listen and be there for her whenever she needs to vent or unload her emotions and feelings. Maybe you could send her a nice friendship card as well and offer to take her out for coffee or lunch or even invite her over and make her some veg food or have some coffee/tea? Sounds like she's going through a rough time and is stressed out so any little gesture of friendship would probably be appreciated.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,945 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
This isn't actually about finances. More about parents who stood by their child who took a full 10 years to get through school being treated like sh*t now that she doesn't need them.<br><br>
Going out for lunch is a good idea. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,684 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>delicioso</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2818397"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
They loaned her the money out of their retirement account. They had no choice but to make it a loan. They can't give any of their children more than 30K towards college, which was more than enough for their son who is about to graduate from CU with an engineering degree.</div>
</div>
<br>
IMO, loaning money out of one's retirement account is a bad idea, especially without impeccable confidence it will be paid back. No one has a right to expect their parents to contribute toward their higher education.<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">All I want to do is make the mom feel better. Any advice on that?</div>
</div>
<br>
Be a supportive, non-judgmental friend who refrains from opining until asked. You can't erase the hurt. You can't undo what the daughter has done and is doing. You can help to bear the emotional load, but that's about it.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
8,995 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Skylark</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2818416"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
IMO, loaning money out of one's retirement account is a bad idea, especially without impeccable confidence it will be paid back. No one has a right to expect their parents to contribute toward their higher education.<br><br><br><br>
Be a supportive, non-judgmental friend who refrains from opining until asked. You can't erase the hurt. You can't undo what the daughter has done and is doing. You can help to bear the emotional load, but that's about it.</div>
</div>
<br>
This.<br><br>
I think they did more than they needed to, or should have. Anyone whose parents contribute to her college education to any extent is lucky indeed. If she couldn't buckle down and make it through in the normal amount of time, she should have been solely responsible. But that's all water under the bridge.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,743 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>delicioso</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2818085"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Everyone knows it's not all in the raising.</div>
</div>
<br>
There are rare exceptions, but I don't really agree with that in this kind of situation. I think they probably raised her with a sense of entitlement, and they had to know what she was like, so this shouldn't be some huge surprise. Is it really some big personality turn-around? Do you see ways that she was raised in which she might develop a sense of entitlement towards them? When they loaned her the money, what was the expressed agreement for repayment?<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>delicioso</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2818397"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
They loaned her the money out of their retirement account. They had no choice but to make it a loan. They can't give any of their children more than 30K towards college, which was more than enough for their son who is about to graduate from CU with an engineering degree.</div>
</div>
<br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>delicioso</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2818406"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
This isn't actually about finances. More about parents who stood by their child who took a full 10 years to get through school being treated like sh*t now that she doesn't need them.</div>
</div>
<br>
So is it about the money or isn't it? Do they need that money for their retirement or not? Does she think they need that money for their retirement, or in her mind is it "extra" money from her wealthy parents? What was the agreement for repayment?<br><br>
If she's making a lot of money and taking trips, I agree she ought to be doing more, but I would like to know more what's going on in the daughter's mind before making a real judgment. Does she feel she had a bad childhood? Does she resent them? Is she unconsciously "punishing" them? Family dynamics can be very complicated.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,707 Posts
The only thing I would do if it were me, is spend time with your friend (the mom) and try to take her mind off it and cheer her her up.<br><br>
I agree with everyone else that if you cast judgment, it might well go down the wrong way. I think the miniute you say something negative about your friends daughter you've crossed a line, listening and nodding to her complaints is supportive, being negative about her own daughter may very well offend her, because she (I assume) still loves her daughter, she still raised her daughter, and her daughter is still to some degree a reflection on her.<br><br>
Furthermore, personally, although I think it sounds as if the daughter is behaving very selfishly, I think her parents made a mistake in loaning money they now need to their daughter. Afterall, if she had dropped out of college and not got a job, what would they do now? Besides she IS giving them the money back, as they have asked, and the only problem really seems to be that she isn't being grateful. I don't deny that it's rude, but you shouldn't give out support to family and then expect gratitute in return, you should do it because you want to help not because you want a better relationship with them.<br><br>
I know it sounds harsh, but I think you're best just supporting your friend by doing nice things together, spending time with her, and listening to her troubles but without trying to cast judgment yourself (on her or her daughter), and being very careful if you try to offer advice. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,324 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Identity_thief</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2818634"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
I agree with everyone else that if you cast judgment, it might well go down the wrong way. <b>I think the miniute you say something negative about your friends daughter you've crossed a line, listening and nodding to her complaints is supportive, being negative about her own daughter may very well offend her, because she (I assume) still loves her daughter, she still raised her daughter, and her daughter is still to some degree a reflection on her.<br></b><br>
Furthermore, personally, although I think it sounds as if the daughter is behaving very selfishly, I think her parents made a mistake in loaning money they now need to their daughter. Afterall, if she had dropped out of college and not got a job, what would they do now? Besides she IS giving them the money back, as they have asked, and the only problem really seems to be that she isn't being grateful. I don't deny that it's rude, but you shouldn't give out support to family and then expect gratitute in return, you should do it because you want to help not because you want a better relationship with them.<br><br>
I know it sounds harsh, but I think you're best just supporting your friend by doing nice things together, spending time with her, and listening to her troubles but without trying to cast judgment yourself (on her or her daughter), and being very careful if you try to offer advice. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"></div>
</div>
<br>
^^This. Especially the bolded part. I know there have been numerous times I've b*tched and complained about certain things some of my family members have done to my friends and I appreciated the fact that they listened to me and let me vent. However, if they ever dared to say anything insulting about my family I'd be totally offended and pissed off.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,684 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Irizary</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2818477"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
There are rare exceptions, but I don't really agree with that in this kind of situation. I think they probably raised her with a sense of entitlement, and they had to know what she was like, so this shouldn't be some huge surprise. Is it really some big personality turn-around? Do you see ways that she was raised in which she might develop a sense of entitlement towards them? When they loaned her the money, what was the expressed agreement for repayment?</div>
</div>
<br>
Ehhh... I disagree with the idea that the parents necessarily raised her with a sense of entitlement. My parents raised five children, and four of us "got" the messages they were trying to impart in us about finances, non-entitlement, and valuing relationships. One of us went off in a completely different direction. It's been mind-boggling how the rest of us understood our parents did not owe us anything and had in fact sacrificed quite a lot for us, but she doesn't see it that way. And no, this is not the sister through which I have my car loan.<br><br>
People often do live out the path that was prepared for them by their parents, but I don't think the exceptions are as rare as you make it out to be. However, I completely agree that even if they did not raise her to be like this, they had to have seen this coming.
 
1 - 20 of 21 Posts
Top