i think that there are a few different ways that you can go with this, but the most important attribute of all of them is "nonattachment."<br><br><br><br>
the idea being, no matter what happens, don't worry about it. You cause a lot of drama for yourself through attachments to what you think or hope may happen, and when it doesn't, you get frustrated. Right? happens to me too. i've very bitter right now about something. . .but the bitterness is my own fault.<br><br><br><br>
Ok, so, where you are now. I think the best, first place, that you can get to is simply civility in group situations. treat her with respect and dignity at other people's special occassions (wedding showers and so on), but if you don't want to be with her (you did mention not wanting to be her friend anymore) then that's acceptable. Also, if you can't forgive her, you really can't be her friend--and that's ok too.<br><br><br><br>
it is ok to "give up" on friendships and relationships that are not good for you. if this woman treats you improperly, or not in a way that you want to be treated, then let her do her thing and leave it be.<br><br><br><br>
i'll give an example from my own life.<br><br><br><br>
In high school, i had a "best friend" Theresa. She was a nice girl; we had a lot in common. She went to college locally with all the rest of our high school friends, i went "back east" so to speak.<br><br><br><br>
during our college years, i made a number of trips to see her in DC where she had an internship. I would email her long letters about what's going on with me and she'd write back: so good to hear from you! everything is going great! i have to run! Bye!<br><br><br><br>
it used to make me crazy. not once did she drive the 8 hours that i drove to see her in DC to come to my place and see me. And sometimes, she would go with her fiance (then, husband now), to Long Island, driving right past my parents house--literally stopping at the McD's close to my parents house for lunch--and never tell me or stop by (because i visited my parents frequently).<br><br><br><br>
So, anyway, i basicly stopped emailng her and that was that. I was sad to loose the friendship, but she wasn't giving back in kind. And really, every time i visited her, it was pretty miserable. so, i decided. That's that.<br><br><br><br>
A few years later, she calls me, wants to talk, etc. We have a friend in CT, whom we visit twice a year. We would drive right past her house--and since i hate it when people drive past my house without making arrangements or attempting to stop by for a brief visit (like lunch)--i called her and said we'd be driving by.<br><br><br><br>
So, i stopped and we had lunch. After that, i didn't hear from her, so i didn't feel any need to call her and stop by again. I decided that if she wanted a friend ship, she'll have to build it. But, otherwise, i was happy enough with out her.<br><br><br><br>
So, now, i'm don't really know her. There's no real animosity--i just don't keep in touch. But, i also know that it's ok to let friends go their way, and for me to go mine.<br><br><br><br>
And that may be what you need to do.
I agree, there's a chance the friendship could revive, but don't invest anything until you have reason to think things have changed.<br><br><br><br>
I also find it a little strange that she is doing all this now that she is getting married. Perhaps she would feel guilty not inviting you but also guilty inviting you when there is bad blood. A friend of mine has this same worry. There used to be 4 of us who were close for many, many years and 2 of them (friends 2&3) got really close but then became bitter enemies. Me, friend 4 and friend #2 stayed close while 3 (confused yet?) fell away and was generally nasty.<br><br><br><br>
4 is getting married, and me and 2 are bridesmaids, and 4 feels obligated to invite 3, but doesn't really want to. Either way, there will be some sort of conrfrontation, especially between 2&3 who are now bitter enemies. I think we should forget about 3, but frankly, I admit I would feel bad not inviting her to my wedding, too!<br><br><br><br>
But if your friend suddenly wants help with the wedding, maybe it's not guilt driving her, but selfishness. Get away fast!
Thalia, I for one, am totally confused.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=""><br><br><br><br>
Sometimes friends don't know how, or don't want to, give you what you need from them. You can either take them for what they can offer, or you move on. There really is no point in keeping score of what you do for them, or what they do for you, unless you only do to get.<br><br>
I know it hurts when it seems like you love someone more than they love you, but you really never know what someone is going thru until you're ready to see and listen to them without your ego. Like Zoebird said, nonattachment. Believe it or not, I'm sure your friends inability to be there for you when you needed her has very little to do with you. But, it is up to you to decide if you can hang loose with the kind of relationship she can offer without cultivating resentment for her.
i did call her out on the wedding thing - asking her why she chose to send the apology now (march) and not earlier... i told her i thought it was a ploy to just spread the fact she was getting married/wanted a wedding gift/etc because she could have sent me the letter a long time ago. she was pretty taken aback that i would think that..but i'll bring it up again when i see her in person to make sure she's genuine in that that's not her game.<br><br><br><br>
i was surprised by the email she sent me back , saying she still considers me her best friend despite now that she knows i pretty much resented (still do?) her and that she wanted to be on the level we used to be on.<br><br><br><br>
we'll see...i have about three months home, and hence in the same town as she is. so i guess we'll play it out over a little while. but i am willing to give her another chance- i just need her to prove herself.<br><br>
Hey, Funky, in addition to the possible scenarios others have mentioned, she may have just thought that she wants a new clean start. She's getting married, and her entire life is starting anew. She wants to clean up any old messes and not just abandon them. I'd say that's a really, really good thing. Doesn't mean it will work; but for her to own up to this is honorable. If it was a phony-ass ploy, you'll know soon enough.
You know, I have a different feeling about this. I think the two of you are simply growing up/growing apart/growing in different directions which is both normal and healthy in any relationship. I have an old friend from HS, a best friend really...was a best friend and still is in some respects. I still keep in tuch with her quite frequently, though we have had lapses of falling out of tuch with each other over the years (I'm 34). I still love her, but we both recognize that we simply aren't the people we used to be. We don't have as much in common as we used to, and we have lots of current friends that are in present time and not in past. This doesn't mean abandoning old friends...simply relegating them to their place (which may NOT be forfront in your life right at the moment...esp hers with all the wedding plans). I still love my old friend very much...in many ways she still knows me better than many people do...but in many ways, we've just both moved on in life. We get together and share sometimes...both online and in person...and catch up an talk about old times, and current events.<br><br><br><br>
Does that make sense? It seems like you are trying desperately to hold on to a relationship 'as it has been' instead of exploring what it is and might be. I'd say relax the white knuckle grip a bit and let your friend breathe. And remember that we don't own or control others...only ourselves.<br><br><br><br>
And forgive her please. Stop saying you will....IF...she behaves as you want her to this summer, just simply do it.<br><br><br><br>
Good luck. I hope you guys do mend your fences this summer, and enjoy whatever your growing relationship might bring.<br><br><br><br>
ps..they call them growing pains because it IS painful.
i wouldn't say i'm 'desperately trying to hold on to a relatinonship as it has been..' we both said we wanted to start over as friends, so therefore, yeah, starting over. sure, it would be fantastic if we could just go right back into the way things were, but that's not at all logical and i know that wouldn't happen.<br><br><br><br>
i'll forgive her when i do. i can't do that with a snap of the finger.<br><br><br><br>
i am looking forward to seeing her and meeting her fiance though...i hope the dude is good for her - so many of my friends spouses are not, it's getting frustrating.
I swear you remind me so much of myself and my best friend! Just hope our friendship never gets to that point, though it really isn't in a good place.... I'm sorry, I have a slight idea what that is like. Though my story is just a bunch of teenage crap compared to that!<br><br><br><br>
When I lived in Buenos Aires I became best friends with this girl, and we were always there for each other... that was at the beginning of high school. Funny thing is, for example, when this guy liked us both and ended up kissing her, I didn't get mad at her (maybe a little upset, but I would've done the same)... and if I joke around with her in a slightly different tone, she doesn't talk to me for days. What the hell is up with that?? she is EXTREMELY moody and jealous, i couldn't even talk to some other girls and look as if i was really having a great time.<br><br><br><br>
Truth is, she can be a real ***** when she wants to. But i love her just as she is, and learned to deal with that, cuz i'd hate to lose our friendship. Now she has a boyfriend she loves, and is sad to say I'm happy I don't live there anymore.. cuz even though I love her and we're still really good friends, we've been through some crap, and i know that if i'd stayed there she'd be completely ignoring me. things have changed a lot. i haven't seen her in one year and a half, and when we talk, she irritatingly often does not take me seriously, and im thinking if i should visit her or not... i don't know how'd feel about staying over in her house, though from times to times when we talk it's all smooth and fun... but not always.<br><br><br><br>
Well, what can I say... good luck with your friend, I know how hard it is to go through something like that... sort of... i think you guys can be friends again, though if you give it another try and it doesn't seem to work... whatever, you know... then she probably doesn't deserve to have a friend like you.<br><br><br><br>
I think of forgiveness funk as a decide every day to do it and follow through with it sort of thing, instead of a feeling.<br><br><br><br>
What I was really trying to say is you seem to be basing your 'forgiveness' on what may happen this summer. You will forgive her...but I think as you said, "she needs to prove herself to you." That's what I have trouble with. Rather than going into this with a clean slate, your friend is at a deficit....you seem to still have a grocery list of grievances against her (ten page letter?), which she will have to work off. At this point I would really not want to be in your friend's place with you. I think those expectations put too much pressure on any future friendship between the two of you. What if she messes up again? And how for lack of a better word, stressful to be on pins and needles hoping not to screw things up in some real or imagined way.<br><br><br><br>
If this is not the case...wonderful, I have misunderstood. I do agree with baby above that other people can't always meet our needs in the way we want, or even sometimes need them to. This comes from the fact that we are all human, and are none of us perfect people (no matter how much we want to, or claim to be). And that whatever reason your friend wasn't there for you, probably had little to nothing to do with you.<br><br><br><br>
Sorry to prattle on in such a <groan> tired way, but I think friendship isn't really friendship if it is given conditionally. I'm not speaking for either ending the friendship or starting over, but being honest with yourself...and letting go of whatever 'sins' are in the past.<br><br><br><br>
Good luck. No more preaching, I promise.<br><br><br><br>
the ten page letter - that was pretty much 2.5 years of 'stuff' that i had to get out. none of it was degrading or throwing stuff at her, in any way. and it wasn't anything that she didn't know, but needless to say, since we havent talked for a long time, it had to be said. and also, writing is very theraputic for me. i'm rarely confrontational upfront and verbally, so it's a big release. plus, i know she appeciated the letter, as she told me.<br><br><br><br>
as for her 'proving herself' - yeah, in a way that's right. i know she's not a big talker so i trust her want to be friends again. just again, we have not seen or spoken for a long time, so i'm not going to let her apology email be the 'okay, everything's dandy' factor.<br><br><br><br>
i know her reasons for sliding in the friendship. i dont need to list them here., though...but i know that it had nothing to do with me. she treated her sister the same way, who is also very close to her.<br><br><br><br>
i know i am not at all the same person i was when we were friends. i've been thru a lot and i'm a better person for it, but also a different person. and i know she is also..so i think that's a plus for both of us - i think it's a must in order to be friends again.<br><br><br><br>
and no, i don't have a 'grocery list' of grievences against her. sha apologized, and no i have not fullly accepted that apology yet. do i hate her? do i detest her? do i think she's a horrible person? not at all. did i? hell yes. she screwed up, she recognized that, i accept and respect she recongized that. i'm actually pretty confident things will work out pretty well the second time around for us. but it'll take some time to see.<br><br><br><br>
i do appreciate the constructive critisism, so to speak <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=""><br><br><br><br>
by the way, i dont think my mom is very thrilled with my decision to try and mend this friendship..which is off, as she is the queen of forgiveness..interesting.
Good for you...<br><br><br><br>
Well, speaking from the Mom point of view (btw, for such a long time, I like you simply could NOT fathom having children), all bets are off when it comes to your child <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/wink3.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="">. You may speak/preach/practice forgiveness out the wazoo. But the first time you see your child bullied or hurt, no matter your views on practicing nonviolence (which i am big on), you simply want to take the offender and beat them up <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/wink3.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="">...no kidding. So I do understand your Mom's feelings on the matter.<br><br><br><br>
I do wish you luck. I hope it works out in some way with your friend.<br><br><br><br>
<div class="quote-block">You cause a lot of drama for yourself through attachments to what you think or hope may happen, and when it doesn't, you get frustrated.</div>
I have to ditto this.<br><br><br><br><br><br>
If you do decide to start your friendship over, you may wish to look to your own side of things as well.<br><br><br><br><br><br>
It can work, but you'll need to acknowledge your own role & responsibilities as well, and perhaps letting go of some of your expectations of her behavior.<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br>
consider it done <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=""> that's what a big portion of my letter to her was about - both of our roles, mine and hers, etc. and all that jazz. i know it's not a one way street. thanks for the luck!
I had a close friend that I basically made myself sick over. She was going through a bad marriage (eventually she left him when she discovered he molested her two girls) and I was always there for her. She didn't drive, so I chauffered her around. At one point, even my doc advised me that the relationship with her was not healthy, as it was draining me physically and emotionally. Anyway...she ended up moving to another country. I kept in contact and was even planning to visit her. One day, she up and decided that she didn't want anything to do with her old life, friends included. She sent me an email requesting I leave her alone. While it hurt like the dickens, I sent her an acknowledgement email informing her that I would honor her wishes and then wished her well in her future. I cried for a long time and grieved as if it were a death. But...sometimes, there's not much else that you can do.<br><br><br><br>
I believe that all you can do is control yourself. You can not control the actions of others. So...even if you choose to forgive your friend, things may never be the way you would like. Just remember, be the best person that you can possibly be and that's about all you can do. You can't make someone be your friend...Enjoy the wedding, be kind, but don't get your expectations up...just be glad you get one more opportunity to be kind to an old friend.<br><br><br><br>
Also...my family is a lot like your friend. I have called my siblings numerous times, yet they never return my calls. The few times we have spoken, they just tell me they are busy and don't mean to blow me off. It hurts when they ignore me, so recently, I just stopped calling. I figure it's time to stop making myself hurt. If someone doesn't want to speak to you or be your friend, then it's time to move on. Life is too short to be worrying and to be hurting. (I suffer with depression, too, so I don't need added reasons to get upset) Besides, just think of all the great friends you've made here on the veggie boards. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="">
so we had lunch today and talked for about six hours. it was nice, not even too much weirdness ...a little bit, but that was expected. i'm pretty confident the friendship is back in the works.<br><br><br><br>
and i was happy to know she's vegan now and not bulimic/anorexic anymore too <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="">
that's great new. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=""> i hope you have a lot of fun with her. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="">
<div class="quote-block"><i>Originally posted by Funkified</i><br><br><b>so we had lunch today and talked for about six hours.</b></div>
I'm sure your waiter was ready to kill you, though, unless you a tip to make up for keeping her table for six hours!<br><br><br><br>
Seriously, though, it's almost always a better thing to do what you did in this case. And look what you discovered!
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