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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
If you were in a 4 year relationship, and decided to become vegan due to moral reasons (after already being vegetarian for almost 3 years), but your partner for some reason was strongly against veganism (claims it makes her sick??)... would you stay with that person even if it meant going against your morals?<br><br><br><br>
Personally, I feel that is COMPLETELY unfair. She has pretty much put me on the spot of choosing between one or the other. The fact the she's put me on that spot saddens me, and causes me to want to distance myself. She claims veganism is too extreme and abnormal. She says she wants to be able to go out to restaurants, and that being with a vegan would make her sick everytime she sat down at the table. I havent pressured her at all at becomming a veg*n, so I feel she is completely out of line by forcing me to basically eat eggs and milk. I think its silly. I could care less what my significant other ate.... as long she stayed healthy. She could eat paper for the rest of her life and I'd be okay with it. The way I see it, if a relationship can't handle something so simple as this... maybe the relationship was not meant to be. She says I've ruined our relationship by becoming vegan (choosing it over her). I see it as the opposite. She's ruined it by not accepting me. I REALLY do love her, but if she can't accept me because of what I eat... then I dont think the relationship is as strong as it should have been. Any thoughts? Am I making the right decision? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/sad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":(">
 

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<i>The way I see it, if a relationship can't handle something so simple as this... maybe the relationship was not meant to be. She says I've ruined our relationship by becoming vegan (choosing it over her). I see it as the opposite. She's ruined it by not accepting me.</i><br><br><br><br>
I couldn't agree with you more. I believe you already have made (in your heart) your decision and need moral support. Too bad it turned out this way. Are her feelings carved in stone? Maybe there's room to discuss or is she totally closed off to the idea of even trying to understand how important it is to you? Becoming vegan is a very big life decision for you. Love should be supportive of that decision if it is not harmful to you in any way. Maybe she feels as if she will further be differentiated from you? Or maybe she wants to be included in that part of you and really doesn't see how? Hmm..seems like I may be raising more questions than offering answers. Thinking out loud I suppose.<br><br><br><br>
Follow your heart and what feels right to you. You and you alone will ultimately live with your decision. Take your time and make sure it's right.<br><br><br><br>
Good luck to you *hugs* <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"><br><br><br><br>
ETA: ps..I still think you're hot!
 

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My ex sorta tried to do the same, but letting me know what an inconvenience it was when I wanted to be more vegan one week than I was last week.<br><br><br><br>
Eventually he stated it as a reason he was glad we weren't dating. "It's soooo inconvenient" Oh, boo, hoo. I can tell you really love me. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":rolleyes:"><br><br><br><br>
To me, it made me feel he "loved" me <i>inspite</i> of me, not <i>because</i> of me.<br><br><br><br>
If I had to do all over again, I hope I'd have the strength to say, "I am vegan (or 90% vegan, or whatever), and I don't want any discussion of that, any eyerolling, comments, whatever. If I do, I am immediately going home, and you can call me when you want to respectfully interact with me again."<br><br><br><br>
But of course this is only credible if you are willing to be somewhat flexible in what you guys do together, like not refusing to eat in a perfectly fine restaurant where you can eat vegan just because they serve steaks.<br><br><br><br>
ETA- I know this must be very stressful and hurtful for you, so hang in there, but stick to your guns. We're right behind yah!
 

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VeggieMonster, I have never heard of a situation like this. Her position is seems so frivolous; that I have a hard time accepting it as the real reason that she wants to end the relationship with you.<br><br><br><br>
If it is the real reason, maybe she needs therapy? And I mean that, because it is EXTREME and ABNORMAL to be so non-excepting of someone you love.<br><br><br><br>
Having said that, I don't know how any vegan stays with an Omni.<br><br>
My husband just eats a little dairy and to be honest, I really wish that he wouldn't.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block"><i>Originally posted by mushroom</i><br><br><b>I don't know how any vegan stays with an Omni.<br><br></b></div>
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One of those mysteries we call love I suppose. It just happens, and then again sometimes it doesn't. I've been blessed. But, this isn't about me. I'll just add that if you do indeed stay with her and she with you, look at it as a learning/growing phase of your relationship. It may become stonger. It may also become weaker and disinigrate. Either way, don't force the feelings. If it doesn't <i>feel</i> like it is emotionally and spiritually satifying anymore maybe it is time to call it quits and move forward.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block"><i>Originally posted by mushroom</i><br><br><b>VeggieMonster, I have never heard of a situation like this. Her position is seems so frivolous; that I have a hard time accepting it as the real reason that she wants to end the relationship with you.</b></div>
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Good point. Have you been growing apart in other ways. Maybe this is just the final straw.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block"><i>Originally posted by MsRuthieB</i><br><br><b>Are her feelings carved in stone? Maybe there's room to discuss or is she totally closed off to the idea of even trying to understand how important it is to you?</b></div>
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We had this issue come up about a month ago... and we sort of "broke up", but then two days later we tried to work this out (she would try to "deal" with it). Now she's saying that she's tried to deal with it, and just can't. She's made it pretty clear that she's completely closed off.<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block"><b>ETA: ps..I still think you're hot!</b></div>
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<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"><br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block"><i>Originally posted by mushroom</i> <b><br><br>
Her position is seems so frivolous; that I have a hard time accepting it as the real reason that she wants to end the relationship with you.</b></div>
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I agree it is completely frivolous... and I don't understand it. There are other minor issues, but both of us agreed they are just minor and that we could compromise on them.<br><br>
Like Thalia said.. <i>"It's soooo inconvenient" Oh, boo, hoo. I can tell you really love me.</i><br><br>
That's how I feel. It's not like she ever cooks for me (and I've never asked her to), so I don't understand where she gets this "inconvenence" thing...<br><br><br><br>
I guess I have made my decision.. I just wish it never came to this. it just seems so stupid.. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/sad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":(">
 

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You made your decision, but Ill respond anyway.<br><br><br><br>
It isnt clear for me if your (ex)girlfriend is vegetarian or omni.<br><br><br><br>
But consider this:<br><br><br><br>
Ever heard of Cognitive Dissonance?<br><br>
(Yeah, I can hear some people think: there you have 1Vegan ranting on C-D again)<br><br><br><br>
For her it could be like this:<br><br><i><br><br>
VeggieMonster (VM): I want to go Vegan.<br><br><br><br>
Girlfriend (GF): Why?<br><br><br><br>
VM: ethical reasons.<br><br>
GF thinks: If he thinks Vegan is good, means he thinks omni/veggies are wrong.<br><br>
Wait: VM thinks Im nuts, cruel, he thinks Im low-life.<br><br></i><br><br><br><br>
This might be strange, but my mom felt totally rejected when I wanted to eat Vegan at her place. (not to mention Organic) She didnt say it but certainly behaved that way.<br><br><br><br>
So when this is not the only thing that caused the break up it might be worth to explain that you dont reject her. Most people can accept veg*ns for health reasons, but when its for moral reasons they feel (heavily) attacked.<br><br><br><br>
I dont know if its wrong to split up for this, but if a couple is together and one of the two changes the other should give the other some space to change.<br><br>
(within limits).<br><br><br><br><br><br>
O, and for going Vegan <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/thumbsup.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":up:">
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
hmmm.. That does kind of make sense. She's an omni. I'll talk to her about it again later and see if that's what she's feeling. Thanks.<br><br>
I didn't even mention that we have been engaged for about 7 months... which shows even more how stupid this whole thing seems... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/sad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":(">
 

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I don't think you should have broken up over this.<br><br>
I think she is being a bit extreme about it, but maybe you could have agreed to "try veganism, and if it puts too much strain on our relationship in practice we will readjust accordingly."<br><br><br><br>
Don't forget that as much as she refused to support your veganism and thus pushed you away, so did you push her away by refusing to NOT be vegan...<br><br><br><br>
She put the vegan issue before you, but so did you put being vegan before her, and damn that's gotta hurt. I don't blame her for being mad about that.
 

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Aww, VeggieMonster, I'm so sorry. *hugs* I know my ex boyfriend was never very crazy about me being vegetarian, and when he and I started going out, I was attempting to be vegan. After seven months of the relationship, we both decided we had had enough of each other. He had ceased to overtly attempt understanding and respect and had succumbled to the wiles of "putting down the veg*ns." It hurts, it hurts so much...<br><br><br><br>
I'm glad you feel you've made the right decision. That doesn't make the pain go away, but someday it may help as you reflect on these days.<br><br><br><br>
And yeah, I still think you look darn good, too. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">
 

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sorry Av i disagree, veganism is a personal choice, if she has problems with it, its her problem and she is making this an issue, unless of course VM is a crazed militant, which he doesnt appear to be. He shouldnt have to compromise his personal beliefs on the issue to satisfy her and "TRY" to be vegan and see if it creates strain in the relationship, she should understand his choice and respect it, much in the way he should be respecting her choice to be omni.
 

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My vegetarianism is interconnected with who I am. I shouldn't change my appearance and personality all around to please some guy-- why should I go against my moral beliefs to assauge someone else's potential guilt?
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Avalon.. I dont feel I put being vegan before her, I feel I've put my morals in front. I think there is a bit of a difference. If she wanted me to go out and kill someone so that we could stay together, I wouldn't do it. It's not that I value that person more than I value her, it's that I value my morals. I dont know if that makes any sense. If it does make sense, how can I make it so that she can see that?? I don't think she'd take it very well if I just flat out said I value my morals than I do you, because I feel that would completely put her off and it's not entirely true. What a sucky situation.
 

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I suppose this becomes a question of: "How far do you bend to please those you love?"
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
The one valid argument she has, is that when we first started dating, I was an omni. She said that if I had been a Vegetarian or a Vegan to begin with, she never would have dated me. It was during our relationship that I began making the change, and I understand that it sucks for her that I've made the switch... but it's really not something that I controlled, it just happened.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
"How far do you bend to please those you love?"<br><br><br><br>
I would bend pretty far (not like that!!), but I don't think making someone go against what they believe in is fair, and I think when love begins crossing morals and beleifs is where I draw the line. I am not at all religous, and neither is she. But WHAT IF for some reason someday I decided to be. This could turn into the exact same issue. "I would have never dated you if you were religious". I think those you love should be able to accept changes, small and big.
 

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People are not static. Everyone changes. My dad was fond of saying "Where you are now is not where you're gonna be." This applies to every aspect of our lives.<br><br><br><br>
In a relationship, one must accept that the other person may potentially change. If it is a change you can live with, (with compromises, of course) then the two of you stay together. If it is not a change you can live with, then the relationship may not be able to continue.<br><br><br><br>
As long as VM isn't pushing his beliefs off on his S.O., I don't see why she can't deal with it. I don't know VM, really, but right offhand he doesn't strike me as the pushy type.
 

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VeggieMonster wrote: "She said that if I had been a Vegetarian or a Vegan to begin with, she never would have dated me."<br><br><br><br>
If you take the moral element out of being vegan...isn't this a lot like being a couch potato that refuses to date someone who's in shape, or a smoker refusing to date a non-smoker?<br><br><br><br>
I can think of only 2 reasons why a smoker wouldn't want to date a non-smoker: 1. The non-smoker might preach to them and try to get them to quit, or complain about the smell etc. or 2. The smoker knows that they really shouldn't smoke, that it's bad for them etc and being around a non-smoker would be a constant reminder smoking is not a necessity. (Could your gf feel guilty about eating meat and your veganism forces her to look at that?)<br><br><br><br>
However, it is really impossible to remove the moral element to veganism, which really doesn't do a thing for her side of the argument, only strengthens yours.<br><br><br><br>
It's hard for me to believe that your gf isn't either a bit shallow or doesn't love you very much...because you aren't even asking her to change, but just allow you to. Maybe your gf would be willing to write down all of the ways that your being vegan negatively affect her...maybe she wants to be able to cook for you, but doesn't know how to cook vegan. Maybe she wants to shove a big piece of wedding cake in your face and doesn't know there are lovely vegan ones...I don't know...get her to make a list and then maybe you can figure a way around the rough spots?
 
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