Late yesterday evening, my 15 year old cat had to be "put down". He was in the end stage of renal failure, and could no longer be on dialysis. My mom and I sat with him, and he died so very peacefully in his sleep. We have had the worst time with this............ other than my mom, I have never known anyone else as long as I knew Ted. He came to live with us when I was in the 5th grade.... back in 1987. He knows all my secrets. He was such a good friend to me. I feel so sad and just tired, and for days (as soon as we found out he would have to be put down or die a horrible painful death, basically) all I have been doing is crying and drinking tea. I really thought..... that last night, after it was all over, that I would just bow over and lose it, just really cry and wail and lose my mind, but it seems like after he died... something dried up in me, and I can't cry very much about it anymore. I want to, but the tears just won't come.
Everything seems strange now. Even though we have 8 other cats, they each have their own roles in our house.... they all have their own little routines. Ted always got a can of food (due to the dialysis he could only eat certain things, and to keep the other cats out of it, I let Ted eat his meals in our guestroom with the door shut) in the morning and evening. Last night, when we got home.... I started to walk down the hallway, and everything just seemed so empty. He used to sit next to me on the couch on this one pillow. Sitting there now.... seems so.... damp, so odd. I keep expecting to see him there, to hear his broken-pitched cry. Today I was putting away some groceries.. and I thought I saw him sitting next to our kitchen table. I really thought he was there, and for a minute I forgot that he was gone... it didn't seem odd to see him there. Of course, he wasn't there, and as soon as I came to my senses I felt terrible.
Ted got to have a nice day at home yesterday before the end, though. He got to sit and look out both doors (we have glass storm doors) and sit in the sun, and he got to watch a new huge squirrel come and take over one of my bird feeders. He got to lay in bed with me most of the day, and he got to sit with his dad and granma the rest of the time.
Everyone feels sad. Everyone feels numb. I remember when my Grandfather died in March, I didn't believe it. Even though I was there and watched him die at home in his rocker chair... I didn't believe it until the casket was in the ground. But with Ted, I do believe it... and I feel it way deep inside of me. And I hate it.
Thanks for letting me "talk" about this, and thanks for putting up with such a long message.
Ruth
Everything seems strange now. Even though we have 8 other cats, they each have their own roles in our house.... they all have their own little routines. Ted always got a can of food (due to the dialysis he could only eat certain things, and to keep the other cats out of it, I let Ted eat his meals in our guestroom with the door shut) in the morning and evening. Last night, when we got home.... I started to walk down the hallway, and everything just seemed so empty. He used to sit next to me on the couch on this one pillow. Sitting there now.... seems so.... damp, so odd. I keep expecting to see him there, to hear his broken-pitched cry. Today I was putting away some groceries.. and I thought I saw him sitting next to our kitchen table. I really thought he was there, and for a minute I forgot that he was gone... it didn't seem odd to see him there. Of course, he wasn't there, and as soon as I came to my senses I felt terrible.
Ted got to have a nice day at home yesterday before the end, though. He got to sit and look out both doors (we have glass storm doors) and sit in the sun, and he got to watch a new huge squirrel come and take over one of my bird feeders. He got to lay in bed with me most of the day, and he got to sit with his dad and granma the rest of the time.
Everyone feels sad. Everyone feels numb. I remember when my Grandfather died in March, I didn't believe it. Even though I was there and watched him die at home in his rocker chair... I didn't believe it until the casket was in the ground. But with Ted, I do believe it... and I feel it way deep inside of me. And I hate it.
Thanks for letting me "talk" about this, and thanks for putting up with such a long message.
Ruth
