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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok lovelies! I need advice like never before.

My ex and I were together for six months and it was really my first serious relationship. I loved him, and I still do love him, but towards the end of the relationship things got very, very complicated. First of all, he's a true bumming hippie, and he doesn't want to get a job or go to school. He's 23, I'm 17, and he still lives at home, and he doesn't want me to go to college, or he doesn't want to to wait around for me to go to college. He wants to get out and travel and all that.

Anyway, about three months ago he got fed up with me being the big ***** (which I was) about him getting a job and moving into his own place and stuff. He broke up with me. I'm not some huge social climber, I just want him to support himself like an adult. I do want to travel and do all the crazy stuff, but I want to graduate college first...problem is, after that I'll probably have some student loans...Well, we've been talking pretty much ever since. And he says "we cant ever work because of these issues but I love you"....and wants to get together and hang out and stuff. Now, I'm pretty sure he knows if we get together and start hanging out, something is going to happen. We do have a lot in common, a lot of common interests and ideas...we just want to go about things somewhat differently....

I do want to hang out with him again and see what happens. But there is the issue of my Mom and Dad; hes older, and when he dumped me, it left me so totally devastated. I know they won't be thrilled, but I'm hoping they'll mind their own business rather than tell me ' NO! Absolutley not." I don't know how well I would deal with that, and I don't know how to approach the subject with them. We lied to them for 3 months of the six, said he was 18, and then came out telling the truth, oh yeah, he's 23 AND we've slept together too...and, probably needless to say, they flipped. In the end they decided to leave it alone, because they knew, I suspect, I would run away with him. (and, i would have)

Issue # 56809- HIS ex. Now, he knows that they can't EVER make it in this world, but she hurt him pretty bad. He still carries that heartbreak, and as a kid, his parents really abused him with being overly relgious and using the kids as collateral in an almost divorce situation. He's damaged. He had BAD OCD and still has depression.

I don't know what to do. I love him. Do I go back to hanging out with him and try to make it work or try to end it? I realized that, really, if we're going to end it, there must be NO MORE TALKING. I'm not even sure if I can do that.

I'm sorry I've written a book. I just need some wise advice!!!

lovenlight,

linz
 

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My best advice is to let him go. Move on with your plans to finish school. This traveling business is great, but it sounds like your plan to finish college first is *incredibly* mature of you, and, I think, if you do it this way, you'll enjoy it more.

Besides, it doesn't sound like he's going anywhere. For him to tell you that he doesn't want to wait for you sounds very immature/selfish/manipulative...I could go on, but, basically, I say let him go. You have a lot ahead of you; don't be held back.
 

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Ok Linz. I only read the first third of your post.
But I don't need to read the rest. Let this man go. He HAS to grow up. You do yourself and him no favors by catering to his needs. Give him the cold shoulder til he realizes "Wow, a seventeen year old is more mature than me. Maybe I should become a man."
 

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Kick him to the curb. Anyone who wants to keep you from doing what you really want to do (i.e., college) is not worthy of your time. All that crap about him telling you that you guys will never work as a couple but that he still loves you is exactly that--CRAP. He's stringing you along so he can get what he wants without having to commit to anything or do anything.
 

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Yup, punt him out the door, girl. Sure, it hurts, yeah you're lonely, but it's better then his crap. Normally, I don't agree with people's parents in these matters, but your parents are right for not wanting you around him.

Find yourself a guy your own age, whose ambitions are similar to yours. Hang out with your friends. Go eat pizza. This guy is too much stress.
 

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It just sounds to me that your paths are going in different directions. If he has things that are important to him and you have things that are important to you and they don't mesh, it doesn't matter who is being immature, or whatever.

I used to be in the same situation. I went to college, he eventually went to the army, got kicked out, etc. He supposedly finally has a job and family, but now that I am older and have finished school, (and a few boyfriends later), I still look back fondly, but realize that hoping he'd change to be compatible with my lifestyle was futile, and it always is. It's hard, but you will meet lots of people in college and beyond, don't waste time waiting for him to change. He won't.
 

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Just from the tone of your post I could sense how this is just BAD BAD BAD and you know it deep down because you keep rationalizing things and justifying his behavior. You sound quite sensible for 17 and you are obviously thinking things out before you act out which is great! From my own past experiences I can say it is tough to let go of a serious relationship because as women I think we view that as a failure. You simply have to change how you view that. Don't look at it as a failed relationship, look at it as a great learning experience. You learned what you don't care for in a relationship as well as about love, caring, etc. So take that knowledge and move forward. It clearly sounds as though being with this person will only set you back
17 is a great age. Go off and experience college without being weighed down with this "bum" of a bf. You should be free to discover who you are without worrying about taking care of a 23 yr old. Read your own post again and try to imagine if that was someone else's post... does this man who you have described (I find your word choice and description of him to be quite telling) sound like someone you would tell a friend to go after? what advice would you give them? Follow your instincts and keep us posted. Good luck.
 

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I know EXACTLY what you are going through. This sounds almost identical to the situation I was in, except I was 17 and my was 29. We were together for a year and a half..

We did try and make it work as friends. We were really in a situation where we couldn't live with eachother, or without eachother. In the end though we broke of contact because it was so damn painful. We both tried to move on, but because we still loved eachother, we'd make the other one feel guilty etc. It was well and truly screwed up.

When we did break off contact, I was devastated for a few months. This man was my soul. But slowly things got better, and now I know that it was the best decision for both of us.

If we were still in contact we would still be in the same mess...even worse possibly.

So I think, you need to have a complete break from him. Realistically, it might not be for ever - we never know what is going to happen in the future. But, at this time you need to be you. Not someone he wants you to be. You also need to aim for your own dreams. If it is consollation, by the time you have done what you need to, perhaps he will have grown up a little.

*big hugs*
 

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yup, pretty much ditto everyone else's advice. someone who is going to deter you and pretty much mock your dreams/goals in life isn't worth it (especially if they are good ones, like yours!). that's not fair to yourself...you seem motivated and determined, but if you guys got back together..that whole love thing can start playing mind games and you may feel the need/want to hold back from what you want out of life and succumb to his not so goal-oriented lifestyle.

it's great you realize that he's not good for you though. i wouldn't necesarily say find someone your own age though
but i'm not traditional, normally, heh. you may find some 23 year old who is in school or graduated and he may be a great addition to your life in helping achieve your goals.

i've known a fair amount of people like your ex. they are cool people to hang around, sure, but definitely not be in a relationship. and you know why, so i won't even go there!

as for being friends. i'm a firm believer in that ex's can be friends. i'm friends with 99 percent of mine...and really good friends too. i have become closer to them after we broke up and they are very important people in my life. but if you dont think you can be just soley friends, i guess take some time out from eachother...maybe a few months or whatever down the line you guys will be able to look back on your relationship and smile at the happy times and laugh at how not right you guys are for eachother (been there done that!) and you'll be able to bulid a solid friendship.

good luck! i've been there though..the whole 'do i get back together with him or not' thing - it's tough, i know. hang in there
 

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Okay... this guy does not sound worth your time. It sounds like he wants you to give up all of your goals so he can not be lonely while he bums around. If he can't take care of himself, you'll end up being the one taking care of him, and that's entirely too stressful and, frankly, pathetic on his part.

He must have some great qualities or else you wouldn't love him, but none of them appeared in your post, which seems to show that you're well aware of the fact that getting back with him would be a bad idea -- a tempting idea, but bad nonetheless. He sounds needy, selfish, whiny, and unstable. Not exactly boyfriend material.

And travel *does* exist after college!! Even with student loans!
I'm getting out of the country despite my loan payments this summer and, since I finished college, I have a stable job to come back to where I can make enough money to get out of the country again next summer. I think you're on the right track & he'll drag you down.

Good luck with your decision,

Mskedi
 

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I am not going to contradict everybody's advice, but I am curious why you got involved with this guy in the first place, rather than getting involved with someone your age, or nearer to your age.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Joe- Well, its a fair question. I guess age just really isn't that big of a deal to me, and I didn't really think it mattered. Futhermore, in all honesty, I have very low self esteem and anyone who shows interest in me, as long as they're decent, will be given an opportunity despite their life situation. (which, in the case of him, obviously wasn't...you know...the most promising) It was kind of exciting to be with someone older, as well, and he could be very sweet and caring.

Thats my story and I'm sticking to it.


Oh, and I'm sorry I didn't address everyone specificially...it was just there were so many points and all! But thank you for your wise advice.


lovenlight,

linz
 

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Quote:
Originally posted by rainbowmoon

Joe- Well, its a fair question. I guess age just really isn't that big of a deal to me, and I didn't really think it mattered. Futhermore, in all honesty, I have very low self esteem and anyone who shows interest in me, as long as they're decent, will be given an opportunity despite their life situation. (which, in the case of him, obviously wasn't...you know...the most promising) It was kind of exciting to be with someone older, as well, and he could be very sweet and caring.

Thanks for the answer. I think you have to do what is best for you, and this fellow did break up with you. I would not be so quick to stigmatize him as a "loser," though, as others have done.

I guess my concern is that you find someone else who may be more appropriate for you. I dunno why that someone should not be more in your own age range. Or, if you want to date people in the 23 age range, you could date men who are in college or school or whatever.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
The hardest part is that obviously, I want to do some of the same things as him. I just want to go to college and finish school first, and its so hard that he can't even wait for me. I know its wrong for me to EXPECT him to, which is why I don't. It just makes me feel that he really doesn't love or care about me.

I feel that eventually someone who is better for me will come along, but of course there's the fear of you know, no one else will ever love me, no one else could ever think I was attractive...but there's got to be someone out there for everyone, you know? So if he isn't that one........

Right, I sound like a total dumbass. Lol.



linz
 

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oh sweet pea:

my advice would be to work on improving your self esteem or you're going to have your heart broken on a yearly basis by these kind of emotionally needy men.

work on yourself. pray or whatever that he works on himself. maybe you'll run into each other in 15 years and you can stand back and smile at the amazing, strong, creative adults the both of you have become.

then continue on your paths.
 
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