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I'm 25 years old but it hurts just like I'm 5. He left my mom after 30 years of seemingly happy marriage for her best friend. He left last weekend. I live 500+ miles away, but my sisters are with her and I spend hours talking to her. She is a mess emotionally and finacially. She isn't offered benifits at her non-profit job and they were barely making ends meet when they were working together to do it and now there are lawyer fees to add in the mix. What is so hardbis that I am/was really close with him. It would kill my mom if Tried to build a realtionship qith him while he is with this new woman (shed be fine if it were any other woman) and I am pretty sure my sisters would never speak to me again. I know in my heart it isn't right, but I just want to call him, I am so sad and as much as I love the rest of my family, I was like my dad and can't really connect as well with the others as well. I corresponded via e-mail with him once but I can't imagine that that wa how it ends with him. I know he will never be back with my mom, but I want my dad back. I don't know what else to do. I am thinking about emailing the new woman but I don't know what to say. If he leaves her l think we can work on a relationship. I want him to be happy, just not with my moms beast friend. It's just wrong. This is how our correspondence went my email was first, it is the lower one:

Thank you for writing, Sally.* I know you are upset with me and justifiably so.* Please know that I love all three of my girls as much now as the day you were born.* Also, please keep in mind things do tend to get garbled in translation.* As an example, I have never ever said anything to Rachelles girls about the situationIm not sure where that came from.* Sorry I didnt call sooner, but I dont have your number, or a phone for that matter.* I kept thinking I would find it.* I hope Im a part of your life again someday.* Ill get your number from Mom since were on speaking terms now, to have in case of emergency, but I wont bother you until (if) youre ready to talk to me.
But I will always be here for you if you need me.
*
Love,
Dad
*
*
*
From:
Sent: Tuesday, April 12, 2011 2:39 PM
To:
Subject: I'm hurt...
*
Dad,
* I have had your number pulled up on my phone screen so many times since Saturday, but I cannot make myself make that call. I think it would be like talking to a stranger, and that terrifies me. Even if you sound like my dad, I know the dad I knew and respected for my WHOLE life turned in to someone else. I love you, I always have and always will. However, I never liked Rachel and that makes it so much easier to hate her (I say "hate" only for lack of a stronger word) . I hate what you did, I don't know how to begin even to forgive you...I don't know if I can. I would have gotten over it, and maybe even understood, if you left mom to find someone else, but you already had found someone behind her back, a horrible woman who (for some reason) happened to be her best friend. I don't understand how you could do that...I just cannot wrap my mind around it. Dad, it isn't fair, not to me or my sisters, and certainly not to the woman who was with you and love you for nearly 30 years. I know that there were instances on both of your part where you both had been unfaithful, but NOTHING excuses what you have done and continue to do. You must know how hurt we all are, and yet you left so much extra burden on all of us, particularly mom. You left her with birds and dogs and cleaning and bills...and everything that goes with a life built for two, all on one woman who is now so very broken hearted. Then you left us to help her pick up the pieces. Don't get me wrong, I am so proud of Mom and she is handling this better than many would, but that isn't to say she isn't devastated and exhausted. I am so hurt that you haven't so much as sent an e-mail to me or Sadie and probably wouldn't have spoken to Sarah if she hadn't been calling you. What hurts more is that you sat down with her kids and spoke with them. Do you know how that makes us feel? How bad that hurt to hear? What did we do to deserve that kind of coldness from our own dad during such a painful time? Really, I'd like to know...

*I feel like I have lost a piece of me, and so many happy memories have turned in to sad ones. You have always been sort of my moral compass, but more
than that you have been my hero since the day you bought me that little camo jumpsuit so that I could go with you to go photograph wildlife. I was so proud of that thing, and of you. I have a cheap little jewelry box that has a picture of you helping me put on my sunscreen and Sarah hanging on your arm when we were little. That thing meant more to me than any of the jewelry it held, but now I can't even look at it.* I feel like I have lost one of the most important parts of my life, and it hurts more that I lost you because you chose to go. I Wasn't ready for that to happen, I still need you and I don't know what to do now. I just told Gabe last week that I wanted to make a trip home so that I could ride your motorcycle with you, so that you could teach me and let me get a feel for speed and I could finally ride my bike. Now I just want the thing gone. I was so looking forward to you being at my thesis defense, that was the one thing that made me proud of this whole project, was to show it to you. I went in to this field because you inspired me. You missed my first graduation (understandably for Sadie's health) and I was so glad you would be there for this one. Now I can't imagine not getting up there and crying either because you are there or because you aren't, either way, I am afraid that man who inspired me will still be gone. I have been with Gabe for a long time and I want to marry him someday sooner than later. If we do that who will walk me down the isle? It cannot be this man who you've suddenly become. I am going to miss getting your advice on things, I always knew you would know the right thing to do...but I don't know that anymore. Dad, I want to be able to someday have a relationship with you again, there will be a hole in my heart until that day...but, I cannot while you are with that woman, any other woman who isn't Mom's friend I can deal with, but not her. The right thing to do (and I think you know this) would be to live in an apartment at, least until the divorce is settled and man up and dela with some of the burden that you left. I want you to be happy, I truly do, but not at the cost of the happiness my sisters and I, and not at so much cost to Mom. There is a more ethical way to do this, and I beg you to take that route. Like I said, I do love you, and you can call me if you are ready to change back to the moral and good man that you were (no matter how long that takes), I hope with all of my heart that you will. Also,* you can contact me if you really need anything, and I might contact you as well, but you will not have a father/daughter relationship with me while you are with her, and not until you take on some of the responsibilities that you left behind . If you call me for any reason other than to tell me that you are ready to be the man I remember and have left that woman, I don't want to hear her voice or anything about her, and I certainly never want to see her face. I want my dad back, I need him now more than ever. Please come back.

Love you.

Sally
* * * *
* -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I never remember him saying that he loves me before this. He's feeling guilty and trying to be really sweet with my mom, although all the kindness in the world ant fix it between them. Anyway how do we know what to believe out of him? He told my mom he loved her the night before he left her... Mostly I am just posting here to vent, but I do need some advice. Should I write this woman? What can I say to her? I really only met her a couple of times. I don't know her well. I just want this to all be a bad dream...
 

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Your parents are both adults and should be making their own decisions without using their children as pawns against each other, and all of you kids should be staying out of their relationship with each other or with any new significant other.

Would you expect your parents to disown you because you decided to be with someone they disapproved of? It wouldn't be right, would it? So what's acceptable about either of them saying anything about you maintaining a relationship with the other parent? Would you expect your parents to tell you that they won't have anything to do with you unless you stopped seeing whoever you might be involved with at the moment? No? Then what business do you have, putting conditions like that down on either of your parents?

I know it's a difficult period for everyone in the family, and emotions are still raw, but everyone needs to grow up and keep their noses out of each others' business. Yikes.

ETA: You are a grown woman, and I gather your sisters are grown too. Why in heaven's name would your father be obligated to stay with your mother for your sakes? Why would your mother want him to stay with her merely out of a sense of obligation? Good grief, I can't think of anything worse, relationship wise, than someone staying with me out of a sense of obligation.

Don't write to this woman. It's none of your business.
 

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You poor thing. I can't even imagine how you must be feeling right now. I guess my thought for you is that he is still your dad -- even though he's done an awful thing. I can't say I'd react any differently than you did, but I hope that you will be able to repair your relationship at some point.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by sally429 View Post

Mostly I am just posting here to vent, but I do need some advice. Should I write this woman? What can I say to her? I really only met her a couple of times. I don't know her well. I just want this to all be a bad dream...
so sorry you are in so much pain. the wound of what's happened is still fresh and raw and bleeding. it's too soon to have anything to do with the other woman. focus on how you feel and your relationship with each of your parents separately. emphasis on the word separate because it looks like they are not going to get back together. hopefully your mom won't disown you if you choose maintain a relationship with your dad (whether it's sooner or later down the road). as for your sisters...well, you have to do what's right for you.
*hug*
 

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Sorry for all you're going through.

I agree with mlp - stay out of their relationship.

You wrote:
Quote:
I know that there were instances on both of your part where you both had been unfaithful
This tells me that it was a very complicated relationship. No one outside of a relationship knows what was happening inside of it. Sometimes it's just time for a relationship to end and it doesn't always happen in the best way, but it's just time.

If you were someone for whom adultery was an unforgivable offense I could better understand your outrage, but they've both cheated in the past - that seems to be what they do - and you got over it then. So this just seems like more of the same really, regardless of who it was with. I'm saying this as someone who had parents who cheated on each other too.
 

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I am sorry that you are feeling bad. It must be difficult to be going through a parental separation, coupled with the knowledge that your father has betrayed your mother. Likely it feels like he has also betrayed you and your sister too, it effects everyone, though your mother most of all.

I think it is possible he is going through a phase in his life similar to a mid life crisis. It is unfortunate he has chosen your mother's best friend, but she knows now that the woman was no friend.

It is so hard and very difficult to know what to suggest. Of course it is something that is between your parents but now your own relationship with your parents has become complicated.

I hope you take care of yourself, anyway, and I would focus on being there for your mother and sisters.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
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Originally Posted by Irizary View Post

If you were someone for whom adultery was an unforgivable offense I could better understand your outrage, but they've both cheated in the past - that seems to be what they do - and you got over it then. So this just seems like more of the same really, regardless of who it was with. I'm saying this as someone who had parents who cheated on each other too.
my mom wants us to work on a relationship with my dad eventually, she only just told me about previous infidelities last week. She didn't want us to wholly blame him. She wouldn't say anything to us if we went to him, but we've all heard her sob and I just feel like I'd be betraying her. The incident before this happened when I was 8. I didn't know anything until now. They just cheated once each before this. They went to counseling and worked it out. This time it was an ongoing afair right under her nose. He not only took himself away, but her best friend too. She only has us to lean on now. My sister took off to stay with her for a while an has been holding her while she cries herself to sleep. I have to leave school when I am almost done with my masters to help her care for the pets (who he will not help at all with) and the house when she has surgery in a couple of weeks. I told her I could finish school from a distance, but honestly I don't know if I can. I have bills to pay and will have to work if I am not getting paid as a student worker. So this goes beyond their business. He uprooted all of our lives.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
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Originally Posted by mlp View Post

Your parents are both adults and should be making their own decisions without using their children as pawns against each other, and all of you kids should be staying out of their relationship with each other or with any new significant other.

Would you expect your parents to disown you because you decided to be with someone they disapproved of? It wouldn't be right, would it? So what's acceptable about either of them saying anything about you maintaining a relationship with the other parent? Would you expect your parents to tell you that they won't have anything to do with you unless you stopped seeing whoever you might be involved with at the moment? No? Then what business do you have, putting conditions like that down on either of your parents?

I know it's a difficult period for everyone in the family, and emotions are still raw, but everyone needs to grow up and keep their noses out of each others' business. Yikes.

ETA: You are a grown woman, and I gather your sisters are grown too. Why in heaven's name would your father be obligated to stay with your mother for your sakes? Why would your mother want him to stay with her merely out of a sense of obligation? Good grief, I can't think of anything worse, relationship wise, than someone staying with me out of a sense of obligation.

Don't write to this woman. It's none of your business.
I would disapprove if he left her for someone my age or something like that.bi could get past that and I don't want them to be together if they are unhappy. I'm fine if they were simply divorcing. This goes beyond disapproval. They took her best friend and husband in one move. That leaves only my sisters and I to be her support system through this. He is speaking nice to her and helping a little now, but, for example, the new woman doesn't like our family pets so he will have nothing to do with them. Not even the blue Quaker who he got and trained and bonded with. That means it I'd left up to my mom, who is about to have an operation, to deal with all of the pets and chores. Which really means one of us (me) will have to move back in to help her recover and care for things. Normally she could ask her best friend to help her with that, but he took that woman from her life too. He is spending money like crazy on this woman and the bills aren't getting paid at the house and my mom doesn't make enough to pay them...guess what that means? I can't let her become homeless, so I need to move in to help with the bills too until she finds a better job. Had he thought any of this through he would have realized that these things would happen, but either he didn't, or he didint care. He did this to more than just her.
 

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This surgery doesn't sound as though it's emergency surgery, if it's scheduled for a couple of weeks from now. Has she inquired about postponing it for a couple of weeks? The spring semester is almost over (if you're in the States). Unless she has an awful lot of animals to care for, or large ones, like horses, she shouldn't need help for more than a week post op, unless it's unusually debilitating surgery. It might be a while longer before she's supposed to drive, but surely she has other friends who can take her grocery shopping once a week?

Back in the day, my mother scheduled her heart surgery for my one week spring break, and I didn't miss any school.

ETA: He didn't *take* her best friend away from her - it seems to me that the best friend took herself away.

I'm probably around your mother's age, and my SO and I recently broke up. I'm left with a sizeable household of animals to care for - chickens, ducks, four dogs, twenty seven cats, nine parrots. The three macaws and two Amazons were his idea, as were all of the dogs but one, and a number of the cats. I'll manage, and your mother can too.

It sounds as though your mother is fairly needy - I can't imagine a mature woman who expects, or would want, her daughter to hold her while she cries herself to sleep. The extent to which you put your life on hold to cater to her neediness is up to you. If you want to help her out financially, it would seem that the logical way to do so would be to finish your master's so that you can get a decent job. It's easy to get caught up in drama, but it's usually not very productive.

As for the household bills - getting a roommate would help with that.
 

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sounds devestating but she'll recover, and rediscover who she is. i doubt your dad has been satisfied living with your mother for a long time. so i don't know what to say except life goes on.

i 'm with mlp on this one. i think finding a roommate would be good for her. it's good that you're there to help stablize her.

this is one of the reasons i don't want to ever get married again. i prefer to live alone and date without committment.
 

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I'm so sorry, Sally. You must be so hurt right now. It's really your decision if you want to write this women. It may make you feel better, though it might make you feel worse. I remember when my dad left I was just numb. But I was also angry whenever I thought about what he'd done and didn't want to see him. Though I reached out a couple of times he never reached back. But if your dad is trying to fix this, it might not be too late between you two to work on your relationship. Sally, I wish you the best.

~Sara
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by mlp View Post

Your parents are both adults and should be making their own decisions without using their children as pawns against each other, and all of you kids should be staying out of their relationship with each other or with any new significant other.

Would you expect your parents to disown you because you decided to be with someone they disapproved of? It wouldn't be right, would it? So what's acceptable about either of them saying anything about you maintaining a relationship with the other parent? Would you expect your parents to tell you that they won't have anything to do with you unless you stopped seeing whoever you might be involved with at the moment? No? Then what business do you have, putting conditions like that down on either of your parents?

I know it's a difficult period for everyone in the family, and emotions are still raw, but everyone needs to grow up and keep their noses out of each others' business. Yikes.

ETA: You are a grown woman, and I gather your sisters are grown too. Why in heaven's name would your father be obligated to stay with your mother for your sakes? Why would your mother want him to stay with her merely out of a sense of obligation? Good grief, I can't think of anything worse, relationship wise, than someone staying with me out of a sense of obligation.

Don't write to this woman. It's none of your business.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mlp View Post

This surgery doesn't sound as though it's emergency surgery, if it's scheduled for a couple of weeks from now. Has she inquired about postponing it for a couple of weeks? The spring semester is almost over (if you're in the States). Unless she has an awful lot of animals to care for, or large ones, like horses, she shouldn't need help for more than a week post op, unless it's unusually debilitating surgery. It might be a while longer before she's supposed to drive, but surely she has other friends who can take her grocery shopping once a week?

Back in the day, my mother scheduled her heart surgery for my one week spring break, and I didn't miss any school.

ETA: He didn't *take* her best friend away from her - it seems to me that the best friend took herself away.

I'm probably around your mother's age, and my SO and I recently broke up. I'm left with a sizeable household of animals to care for - chickens, ducks, four dogs, twenty seven cats, nine parrots. The three macaws and two Amazons were his idea, as were all of the dogs but one, and a number of the cats. I'll manage, and your mother can too.

It sounds as though your mother is fairly needy - I can't imagine a mature woman who expects, or would want, her daughter to hold her while she cries herself to sleep. The extent to which you put your life on hold to cater to her neediness is up to you. If you want to help her out financially, it would seem that the logical way to do so would be to finish your master's so that you can get a decent job. It's easy to get caught up in drama, but it's usually not very productive.

As for the household bills - getting a roommate would help with that.
You're just so kind. You must have no idea what this feels like for her. She certainly doesn't need criticism from you. Honestly, can't you at least post your opinion in a more sensitive way? Would you be saying this stuff to her in real life, exactly in the manner you've said it here?
 

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I don't have any advice, Sally, but I'm sorry for everything you're going through right now.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluejeans84 View Post

You're just so kind. You must have no idea what this feels like for her. She certainly doesn't need criticism from you. Honestly, can't you at least post your opinion in a more sensitive way? Would you be saying this stuff to her in real life, exactly in the manner you've said it here?
Yeah, I'd tell her the same thing IRL. Her emotions are raw at the moment, but throwing away her master's when she only has a few weeks left in the semester doesn't do anything productive, nor does throwing away her relationship with her father. Drama is never really productive; quite the contrary. Her mother has some practical things to figure out in fairly short order, but the solutions should not involve sacrificing her daughters' futures.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by mlp View Post

Yeah, I'd tell her the same thing IRL. Her emotions are raw at the moment, but throwing away her master's when she only has a few weeks left in the semester doesn't do anything productive, nor does throwing away her relationship with her father. Drama is never really productive; quite the contrary. Her mother has some practical things to figure out in fairly short order, but the solutions should not involve sacrificing her daughters' futures.
And you're allowed to say that, but it would be appreciated if you said it in a considerate way. You said so yourself that her emotions are very raw at the moment, so lets let her know that she has people who are here for her.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by sally429 View Post

the new woman doesn't like our family pets so he will have nothing to do with them. Not even the blue Quaker who he got and trained and bonded with.
Actually, that potentially makes me the most angry and makes me see your point better about how he's approaching this. Whatever his complicated relationship with your mother and his grown kids, that's really crappy to dump a dependent, bonded pet like a parrot who bonds for life. It's not like the parrot can just go out and choose a new mate. But I don't know the full situation and maybe the parrot is more bonded to or better off with your mother, regardless of the new girlfriend.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluejeans84 View Post

She certainly doesn't need criticism from you.
I really don't see that mlp is criticizing the OP. I think she's criticizing the mother for putting so much on her daughters. But I think she's being blunt with the OP to help her to realize that this issue between her parents is not her own and not to sacrifice what's going on her own life being overly involved in some issue between her parents.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by mlp View Post

This surgery doesn't sound as though it's emergency surgery, if it's scheduled for a couple of weeks from now. Has she inquired about postponing it for a couple of weeks? The spring semester is almost over (if you're in the States). Unless she has an awful lot of animals to care for, or large ones, like horses, she shouldn't need help for more than a week post op, unless it's unusually debilitating surgery. It might be a while longer before she's supposed to drive, but surely she has other friends who can take her grocery shopping once a week?

Back in the day, my mother scheduled her heart surgery for my one week spring break, and I didn't miss any school.

ETA: He didn't *take* her best friend away from her - it seems to me that the best friend took herself away.

I'm probably around your mother's age, and my SO and I recently broke up. I'm left with a sizeable household of animals to care for - chickens, ducks, four dogs, twenty seven cats, nine parrots. The three macaws and two Amazons were his idea, as were all of the dogs but one, and a number of the cats. I'll manage, and your mother can too.

It sounds as though your mother is fairly needy - I can't imagine a mature woman who expects, or would want, her daughter to hold her while she cries herself to sleep. The extent to which you put your life on hold to cater to her neediness is up to you. If you want to help her out financially, it would seem that the logical way to do so would be to finish your master's so that you can get a decent job. It's easy to get caught up in drama, but it's usually not very productive.

As for the household bills - getting a roommate would help with that.
She doesn't expect anything from us. I don't know how you were raised, but if someone is hurt or in need I was brought up to help, especially if that person is family. She never asked us for anything we just do it because that's what family does. She is suffering a loss, so of course she is in need. I am a grad student which means she would have to postpone it for a year or more until I am done. We don't get summers off, and as a science student I don't even get breaks because data collection on my project is time sensitive. The operation is an optical one, so it is not emergency, but she cannot drive until she gets it and has no one to drive her right now. She has 10 dogs, 2 cats, 7 birds, and some pond fish and salt water fish. She won't even be allowed to bend over for up to 6 weeks after the operation. She will need help. As for a room mate, we are looking in to that after the divorce is final. Until then we don't know who will get the house. Who wants to live with all those pets and all that drama besides family anyway.

Also, They both made the decision to her her. My dad knew who she'd be losing so he did take her away as well as she took herself away.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
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Originally Posted by Irizary View Post

Actually, that potentially makes me the most angry and makes me see your point better about how he's approaching this. Whatever his complicated relationship with your mother and his grown kids, that's really crappy to dump a dependent, bonded pet like a parrot who bonds for life. It's not like the parrot can just go out and choose a new mate. But I don't know the full situation and maybe the parrot is more bonded to or better off with your mother, regardless of the new girlfriend.

I really don't see that mlp is criticizing the OP. I think she's criticizing the mother for putting so much on her daughters. But I think she's being blunt with the OP to help her to realize that this issue between her parents is not her own and not to sacrifice what's going on her own life being overly involved in some issue between her parents.
The bird is only bonded to him. When we asked him to at least take that bird he kinda just said "yeah that's a shame. Maybe the shelter will take him" We can't even put our hands in to feed him. He is aggressive with anyone else.

My mom never put us through any of this. Any decisions we make are our own. We have been discussing amongst the sisters based on what we observe. She NEVER asked for anything. We just know when to step up and help out.
 
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