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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
ok, here's the deal. i used to be anorexic and after i got out of hospital my mum's always been at me for 'being thin', 'not eating enough' (which i think is very relative) etc. so we were always fighting. then i left for london to further my studies, which was about when she became more understanding (thanks in part to my psychiatrist who spoke to her a lot too) and trusted me more maybe? so we became friends. i did what i wanted, without her going at me all the time, weighing me all the time and all.<br><br>
the thing is now that i am back she is at me again. i have been home for a little over a week now and i can only remember 2 good days? ie we don't fight, or she's not giving me the silent treatment.<br><br>
granted, i've lost a bit of weight this final year in london and she's blaming it on my veganism but i know it's cos i just did not eat properly. since it was a self catering hall this year, a lot of times i could not be arsed. and now and then i had my fears, but mostly cos i could not be bothered. i've told her that and that i know i need to put on some weight (cos my BMI is about 16?) but she's asking me to eat fish blah blah. not enough nutrition etc. veganism makes me thin blah blah blah. and the worst thing is that she talks but does not wanna listen.<br><br>
so i do what my bro and bf tell me - to just listen and don't say anything, cos i know she won't listen. but you know what's hard? that she's not talking to me. and that i've started to fear her again, cos i don't know when she will go at me again, when i can look at her without looking at anger (so i don't look at her now). she piles on the rice on my plate all the time now at meals and i don't dare say it's way too much cos i'm quite sure she'll go at me again. so i just have to finish it up. look, even if i have to put on some weight i need to pace myself!!!! (actually i've put on 1 kg now) i hate that we're not talking. i hate that we're back to where we were before. i hate that i don't know what to do about it but feel pain in my heart or cry in my room when no one's aware of it.<br><br>
pls help me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
She loves, cares and is worried about you.<br><br><br><br>
You lost weight without a doctor's permission and now are suggesting you need to "pace" yourself because you've gained a kilo. You are talking like you still have the disorder, not someone who just didn't feel like eating.<br><br><br><br>
Your health is the utmost importance. Worry about that first.
 

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Actually, I think that having her mum go at her could just make the situation worse. Our health reflects what's going on in our head as well as our body... Perhaps mum constantly harping on about it is making it a big deal again, and it is becoming a big deal again where it wasn't. Argh. Can't express myself. Maybe mum sees a problem that isn't there, but by going on about it may actually be resurrecting the problem... I understand jacfong needs support not harrassment, health is holistic, mental as well as physical, not just about shoving food down your throat but also about respect and self-worth. Sorry for the rambling...
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Kristadb: yes, i probably still have traces of the disorder and i understand that my mum cares.<br><br><br><br>
but like shewolf pointed out, my mum's going at me makes it all the worse. i don't need her to tell me what i already know, that i need to put on some weight. i don't need her to always tell me that veganism has caused my weight loss which i don't think is the case, otherwise there will be tons of skinny veg*ns all over? Do I make sense?
 

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Your mom does care about you, but she probably shouldn't nag you so much about it. I agree with you that it's causing a lot of stress there that shouldn't be. My best advice to you to get her to stop nagging is to eat and show her you're eating as much as possible. Make sure it's healthy food and that you're eating enough calories--especially if you're active (if you're active you'll probably need around 2200 calories and up depending on your activity level). She's probably worried about protein, too (what omni isn't when it comes to us veg*ns?--it's one of the first questions that pops out of their mouths!), so make sure to eat plenty of beans, lentils, nuts, seeds, tofu, veggie burgers, etc. Then there's the whole calcium/iron issue. Just make sure to drink soy milk/rice milk or orange juice that is fortified with calcium. Eating plenty of legumes, dark leafy greens, and whole grains will take care of the iron (just make sure to eat something with lots of vitamin C, so the body absorbs it better).<br><br><br><br>
Basically, if you're not eating very healthy, I can see why she's concerned, and it's largely your fault for her getting on your case constantly about it. Just make sure to take good care of yourself and make sure she sees you doing it. At your BMI, if you gain a kg or so, it's ok! Let her see that you're gaining weight and that will help, too.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
thanks everyone <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"> simply reading your replies makes me feel better. it's great to have the luxury of a third party tell me things i need to hear, even if it's not what i wanna hear.<br><br><br><br>
krista: thanks for being so blunt. i always just resigned to the fact that i am still not entirely recovered but your reply made me realise that i probably need to do something about it.<br><br><br><br>
tearhsong: thank you for your kind words and sensible advice. i'm not very active at the moment - have not been for a while now; i lost the momentum when revision for exams started about 2 months back and now that it's all over and done with i have been too lazy to pick it back up, unfortunately. basically i eat whenever i feel hungry or the urge to, and i hope that's an ok gage?
 

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It just depends on how often you're "hungry" (by hungry I don't mean waiting for a couple of hours once your stomach starts asking for food, I mean, when it starts complaining you feed it something right away even if it's just a snack to get you by until dinner). If you're hungry every 3 or 4 hours, you should be ok. If you're hungry less than that, you probably have a problem. I would eat my 3 main meals and have a couple of snacks to make sure I was eating enough, if I were you. Whatever you do, DO NOT lose weight! Try to gain weight!
 

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jacfong,<br><br><br><br>
i am in very similar situation as you are (ED, going home after staying alone etc). my only advice to you is to be true to yourself and make sure you eat when you are hungry and be full. other than that, just take your mum's nagging with a grain of salt, bear with it and reason with her if you can.
 

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Okay, Been there, done that.<br><br><br><br>
I know what it's like to have your mom "heap on the rice." I remember one dinner in particular where she heaped it on and then practically force fed me an egg roll. All this accomplishes is that I feel sick and don't want to eat again for a long time.<br><br><br><br>
I hope by "pacing yourself" you mean that you need to eat small frequent meals, not a whole pile of rice at once. Because you do need to eat frequently to gain weight.<br><br><br><br>
You could try explaining to your mom that eating a lot in one sitting just makes you feel bloated, and doesn't help weight gain.<br><br><br><br>
I think you need to handle this rationally. My mom gave me a lot of crud about veganism being basically diet food. I spent a while just telling her how many calories I was consuming. "Hey mom, this guacamole and chips... 530 calories, 16 grams fat.. etc, etc." As soon as she sees that a vegan diet can support weight gain, she'll let up.<br><br><br><br>
Hehe. Just get in the kitchen and fry something. It's a common belief that fried=fattening. Mom should get off your back if she thinks you're not just eating salad.<br><br><br><br>
Now... You do have to actually seriously eat well and gain some weight. If you take care of yourself, and show her that you can be a healthy vegan, eventually she'll come around.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
thanks everyone, for your support <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/grin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":D"> i have actually put on 2 kg and i am not really digging it and i know it's crazy but sometimes i think OMG, i am putting on weight?!?!? no!!!<br><br>
sigh...but i know i should not think that way.<br><br>
anyways please please looh (a href="<a href="http://www.veggieboards.com/boards/showthread.php?threadid=8182">http://www.veggieboards.com/boards/showthread.php?threadid=8182</a>">here.</a><br><br>
thanks.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
sorry, the previous post was flawed. i meant to say pls read this post : <a href="http://www.veggieboards.com/boards/showthread.php?threadid=8182" target="_blank">http://www.veggieboards.com/boards/s...?threadid=8182</a><br><br>
i hope this works
 

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Have you explored how your relationship with your mother might play a significant role in your eating disorder? I wonder if you might be more comfortable eating, and more interested in nuturing yourself, if your mom wasn't trying to manipulate you into eating by using her scorn and disapointment.<br><br>
From my past experience as a teen with anorexia I know it's largely an attempt to control some aspect of your life. Your mom sounds as if her emotions and needs demand a lot of space, and it sounds as if she uses them as tools and weapons. How much of your eating disorder do you think is flueled by you seeking autonomy from your mother?<br><br>
I don't know if any of this rings true, it's just a thought.
 

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I don't have much experience with anorexia per say, but I do have an eating disorder where I eat to much in one sitting, or when I'm not hungry thats related to depression. When I first started veganism I weighed 175 pounds and that was nearly 2 years ago. I dropped down to my lowest at 149 but weigh around 150-55. So veganism can definetly attain to weight gain.<br><br><br><br>
Pacing yourself seems like a good idea, something I should try.<br><br><br><br>
As for dealing with mothers, perhaps try writing a letter? Or an email? I know for me, writing things down always helps, and I've heard for some people that this method works wonders. That way you can sit down after your mom reads the letter and discuss what you wrote, knowing you've at least gotten your point across without screaming.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block"><i>Originally posted by Baby</i><br><br><b>Have you explored how your relationship with your mother might play a significant role in your eating disorder? I wonder if you might be more comfortable eating, and more interested in nuturing yourself, if your mom wasn't trying to manipulate you into eating by using her scorn and disapointment.<br><br>
From my past experience as a teen with anorexia I know it's largely an attempt to control some aspect of your life. Your mom sounds as if her emotions and needs demand a lot of space, and it sounds as if she uses them as tools and weapons. How much of your eating disorder do you think is flueled by you seeking autonomy from your mother?<br><br>
I don't know if any of this rings true, it's just a thought.</b></div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
*sad smile* yes, i eat better when mum is not on my back all the time, and to be fair, she is not doing it as much as when i was anorexic but well...the more she nags me, the more i want to not eat (ironic, i know). i have told her this but i think sometimes she forgets. i am not a mother and i don't know how she might feel but i think she does things with good intentions, although sometimes good intentions are the worst.<br><br>
a few days ago, she managed to sit down and talk to me calmly and tell me her concerns, which was that she thinks i should not be vegan (another thread you might have read)<br><br>
i am planning to see my doctor soon, and since he is paid to listen, i am going to unload my problems on him!!!!
 

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jacfong - It's definitely not weird at all to want to eat less when parents nag you to eat more. When I was really restricting, when people nagged at me to eat, the less I wanted to eat.<br><br><br><br>
Definitely talk to your doctor about how you're feeling, and look into seeing a counselor/dietician.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
i get worried myself about the relationship between eating disorders and veg*nism. being veg*n is a way of controling eating habbits and heh i worry about myself sometimes <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">
 

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jacfong:<br><br><br><br>
you probably already know this, but eating disorders are often connected to issues of control. When a person feels that someone else is trying to control them, they find some mechanism by which they can exert 1. control over themselves, and 2. rebel against the control of another that only increases that other's need or desire to control.<br><br><br><br>
So, here's a related scenario. My mother in law and father in law are very controlling. They don't know that they are, but their "off hand" comments (which come out in a very judgemental tone) are very controlling.<br><br><br><br>
For example, on thanksgiving i went to their house for supper. Knowing that i do not consume *any* dairy, gelatin, meat, etc, they made every dish with some form of butter or cheese on it. So, i ended up being able to eat: cranberry relish.<br><br><br><br>
i then decided that i should probably eat as much cranberry relish as i could, because they wouldn't notice that i didn't have much to eat (having stuffed themselves all the way through dessert), and i would not be "allowed" to forage or eat until we left some 3-4 hours later. (when i forage, they say "we just finished! you didn't get enough?" and "you're just too picky--it's no wonder that you're so thin" which, btw, they highly value, but also will be against for their own purposes)<br><br><br><br>
on my fifth spoonful of cranberry relish (mind you, it's a small spoon, like a soup spoon) his mother said "haven't you had enough?" and literally, my plate had 5 spoons of cranberry relish on it. that's it. nothing else.<br><br><br><br>
at christmas, she makes about a billion cookies. I usually eat them because i just can't pass them up (blame ganesh or something. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/wink3.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=";)"> ). She only wants you to eat 2 or three, and more and "you'll get fat" or "we want to save some for later" (btw, those darn cookies last from mid december to february--so they are seriously strict about them).<br><br><br><br>
one day, when she had made three comments about how much i was eating (which she felt was too much, even though it wasn't), i took the cookie tray into the kitchen to put the leftovers away. . .and then jammed three in my mouth and just swallowed.<br><br><br><br>
I wanted to be incontrol of what iput in my mouth and didn't--not have her be in control. But, i also did it behind her back. . .and it was rather ambitious, because i got sick.<br><br><br><br>
And then i realized why Ryan (my husband) and his sister had/have eating disorders.<br><br><br><br>
So, it's no wonder to me that your mom sets you off--her controling ways could have been a contributing factor to the original problem.<br><br><br><br>
And now, you're thrown back into her world--which isn't easy to deal with--just as you're getting onto your feet. so, some things that you learned in councelling, etc, may be put to a tough test.<br><br><br><br>
The idea here is to stay true and stay clear. Try to get out from under her power somehow. if she uses badgering or silent treatment, you have to find a way to not let it bother you or trigger a reaction in you. YOur councellor can probably help you out.<br><br><br><br>
Good luck!
 

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Jacfong,<br><br><br><br>
Like zoebird said, ED are a form of control. You probably feel like you cannot control your own destiny so you control your body.<br><br><br><br>
Also you need to understand there is no such thing as a "Former Anorexic" or "Former Bulimic". You will struggle with these issues for the rest of your life. Sorry to put it so bluntly, but it's true. You need to learn what is causing your ED and how to stay in recovery. I suggest getting a referral from your Dr. for a therapist AND a Registered Dietician.<br><br><br><br>
Also, last and unfortunatly, there are those who use being Veg*n as a way to shield his/her disordered eating patterns. Think about WHY you want to be vegan, are you really doing it because the meat industry is unethical in the way they treat thier animals or are you looking for a way to keep yourself thin?<br><br><br><br>
Think about it.
 

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Yes. No Former EDs...it's like alcoholism, my Dad's an alcoholic, even though he's been sober almost 14 years.<br><br><br><br>
And I agree with monkeyandbunny, definitely look into WHY you want to be veg*n. The main reason Veg*nism and EDs are connected is because of those w/ eating disorders using "veg*nism* to cover up odd eating habits. I did the first time I went veg*n. It made it a lot easier.<br><br><br><br>
But if you do want to go veg*n for the animals, congrats! If not, it doesn't make you a bad person at all.<br><br><br><br>
Chelsea
 
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