Yes I know. Women are just as bad, if not worse than men at letting good things pass them by. ( I will admit, I am one of those women)
As I said, I don't mean in a scary evil, or "haha I'm the best shag you'll never have" kind of way..
But, you know how sometimes you don't see someone for who they really are? And then things change - maybe something happens, or you don't see someone for a while ; and then when you do... well you are able to see them in a slightly different way.
I don't see the point. Why try to force or enlighten someone into seeing you the way you want to be seen? People get you or they don't, either way it's not a good way to measure your self worth. I think it's much more rewarding to learn to let go, and focus on the value you give yourself. I know it's easier said then done, but it's one of the only ways to know what true love is. I also think a lot of people confuse love with longing.
This all stems from a convo I was having with some friends about our first impressions of eachother, how they changed etc and why. And then that led onto wether we thought people could actively change and therefore be seen in a different light by potential partners.
I didn't really word my first post well. It's kind of late here.
Oh, I see...then my answer would be why not if you changing for yourself. Were you're friends talking about purposely changing to attract certain potential partners who did not find them desirable in the beginning? If so, I would think it might cause problems with self-esteem down the road because the person changing may feel a bit fraudulent, like she's hiding her true nature, or what she really looks like. Or, she could end up feeling resentful because she wasn't found acceptable when she was truly herself. I guess it would depend on the change, what did you have in mind?
Well, this became slighlty heated because it was difficult to say where to draw the line between changing FOR someone, and being positively motivated to change.
Eg, A likes brown hair and a size 8, so B dyes their hair and starves themselves. Naturally that is a waste of energy and as you said, can cause a great deal of problems.
But, say A and B are friends, and A suggests that maybe haircut x would suit B. So, B feels motivated to change but not out of a direct desire to be with A. However, in light of the change they view each other differently...
I didn't know a haircut could make such a difference.
I would say if B wasn't looking for A's approval by getting a new hair style or deciding to drop a few pounds, then all is fine. But, if B is looking for A's approval and starts jumping through hoops to get it, A's not going to have much respect for B in the long run, and B will propably end up feeling very frustrated with herself, and realise A stands for ass.
But sometimes another person can motivate you to do something you wanted to do anyway. It might look like you're doing it for them but in reality you're not, they've just provided you with the incentive or encouragement or strength to do it.
I think a good way to tell if you're motivated or pressured is whether you continue the behavior if the person isn't around, or if you're having a falling out with the person. For example, a guy you like prefers skinny women, so you start dieting because you suspect he might be right about what's attractive. All's well until you get into a little disagreement about something totally unrelated. You then decide to sabotage your diet in an act of defiance, as if it's really him you're punishing. Then you know you made you're decision from pressure.
Actually it much easier to know, just honestly ask yourself if you're afraid you'll lose him by going back to your old habits, or looks.
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