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I had that happen to me, too. Until I met my ex-husband, I never wanted kids *at all*, then suddenly found myself wanting them. I couldn't understand what the hell was wrong with me. Needless to say, I'm glad that I never had any with him since we are no longer together.<br><br><br><br>
Now, I'm married to a man that already has two children. They have pretty much cured me of any desire I may get to have my own child. Maybe, eventually, but I doubt it.<br><br><br><br>
So, I think that what you're going through is normal. I also think that it's awesome that your man is asking you these things. Sounds like he really wants to know your every want and desire, which is definitely a good thing! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">
 

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I am glad to read there are other women out there, that really do not have the maternal need to have kids.<br><br><br><br>
I am a 36 yr. old woman, that really has not had the desire for her own children. I love kids... but I love it better when I can visit them for a little while, then give them back to the parents when I am tired. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"><br><br><br><br>
Plus I never have been in a really stable relationship to have children. Only time will tell what my future holds.
 

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don't worry funk, it's just the biological clock ticking. it'll get only stronger with time. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/wink3.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=";)"><br><br><br><br>
BTW i'm upfront about this. i want to have kids. just not now. and until now i never found a girl i actually asked that question. but i wanna be a -=cool=- dad later in my life, that's for sure! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/grin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":D">
 

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I used to say that I didn't want kids and I honestly didn't. I envisioned myself living in some cottage in the woods with a husband and some dogs. The past two years I've all of a sudden changed so that I'm wanting kids and prefer to stay closer to civilization.<br><br><br><br>
People change all the time, as they change so do their desires.
 

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Funk,<br><br>
I am going to butt my nose in here. You don't have to listen. He doesn't just care about your desires, he wants kids. Be careful that your love and admiration for him doesn't make you give in for his sake.<br><br><br><br>
The only valid reason for having a child is that YOU want children and are willing to risk raising them by yourself if necessary. Life is very uncertain.<br><br><br><br>
A baby is a total commitment that surpasses that of marriage until they are old enough to take care of themselves and make responsible decisions. People will tell you it is a twenty year investment of your time and effort. IMO, that is inaccurate. Once they are here, your heart is tied to them for life. You will always be there if they need you. The lucky ones of us totally love and wanted and planned each of our children, but even that doesn't supply the money to support them in the style you wish, nor does it supply the physical and mental energy it is going to take to raise them.<br><br><br><br>
Parenting is not for wimps or cowards, nor for the physically or emotionally weak. It is the biggest job you will ever take on, and it is a 24/7 for years and years. It is worth it, it is fun, it is something I wouldn't trade for anything, but it has not been easy.<br><br><br><br>
Life
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
i agree with all that, Life <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"><br><br><br><br>
and yeah, don't worry...i know he wants kids...and we have only been dating more than a month. so we're not even at the love point and haven't discussed any of this in the 'together' situation.<br><br><br><br>
it's good he got it out that he wants kids. normally that would totally turn me off if i guy told me that (i have not dated men before because they wanted children), but there's just something different (as vague as that is) about this guy and the idea no longer turns me off.<br><br><br><br>
i usually tell guys right away, first date, that i don't want kids to see their reaction...<br><br><br><br>
obviously, IF things happen to progress and get very serious with us, it will be a major topic. we're both really young too and i'm sure (complete hypothetica) IF we ended up deciding on having kids/getting married, we would both pursue our careers for many years before poppin' out the children, if that had been the decision in the first place <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"><br><br><br><br>
but again...this is a very new relationship, and i'm just surprised at myself for having the changing feelings toward the whole kid issue. but i also respect him for asking me what my take on it is, as it shows he is actually interested (even though i knew that before) in a relationship not just some nonsensical nonsense.
 

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Who says you only have to take care of your children for 18 - 20 years. Even if they are on their own, there are times when they come back for your help.... so it is a life-long commitment
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
no kiddin' - and who says they dont come back home to live after age 18? heh. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">
 

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I'm 34 and decided a long time ago that I didn't want kids. I told my boyfriend this early on in our relationship (we've been together about a year) and he said he's okay with that. But part of me worries that if we get married, down the road he might want them, and I would be denying him his wish. I'm thankful that I don't want them (I have several reasons why I don't, which I won't get into here), if for no other reason than the fact that I will most likely be marrying an omni (the one I'm with I'm sure) and I would be dead set against him feeding the kid any animal products. He just doesn't get it ethically and health wise. He would be a great father otherwise, however, so I've very quickly thought of the idea of having them with him, but quickly dismissed the idea because the minuses WAY outweigh the pluses in my mind. Bottom line is, if he had ended up with someone else, he would probably have kids eventually.....so I hope he can deal with not ever having them, because I'm not budging.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
and continue not to budge, vegankittykat! yeah, it's definitely not a compromising issue...'ok, dear! we'll just have one!'....my ex almost got a vascectomy at age 21, heh. i know for a fact he'll never have kids, but he needs to um...make sure of that by going thru with the big V (if he doenst become a monk like he claims to become)...
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block"><br><br><br><br>
BTW i'm upfront about this. i want to have kids. just not now. and until now i never found a girl i actually asked that question. but i wanna be a -=cool=- dad later in my life, that's for sure! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/grin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":D"> [/B]</div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
I think it's awesome when guys want kids. Most guys I know are apalled at the idea.<br><br><br><br>
I also want kids. I can't wait, although I obviously have to wait until the right relationship comes along, and also until I am done with college and am settling in a little. But honestly, I can not wait. I love kids and would absolutely love to be a mom.
 

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I've always wanted to be a father. That has never been a doubt in my mind. It just took me a while to find the right person to marry.<br><br><br><br>
If I can play the devil's advocate.....<br><br>
I can understand why some men are scared by the thought of having kids. It's just one more responsibility on your shoulders. Career advancement is the objective of many men at this stage. Plus they may be afraid of their own inexperience (as a father). Some young men are afraid of "loosing" their freedom. I've heard some men say "I just want to be in the right place in my life before settling down". Be careful...for some of these people, the "right place" may be in sight, but is always just out of reach.<br><br><br><br>
When I was in my 20's, I couldn't support a family (financially). Now I can, but I don't have the energy that I used to. In addition, I work long, unpredictable hours.<br><br><br><br>
So it's a bit of a catch 22. When you are young, you have the energy, but not the money. As you get older, you have the money, but not the engery or (sufficient) time.<br><br><br><br>
Also, as you get older, it can get (potentally) harder to conceive. My wife and I tried for almost 3 years before she got pregnant.<br><br><br><br>
My 2 cents..<br><br><br><br>
Beancounter
 

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It is definately a life time commitment. My parents are 78 and I am 53. My sons are early 20's. We are a life long team in place forever to meet the needs of each other no matter what generation. I think that probably defines most families and ours isn't unusual or special. I just never put it in writing before.
 

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there is a message board on Ivillage that directly relates to this topic. It's in the relationship boards. It's called "Child Free by Choice" and it's an excellent board.<br><br><br><br>
when it comes to this question, the only thing that you can go on is what you think and believe right now--regardless of who you are dating. And then compare that to what *he* thinks and believes right now.<br><br><br><br>
And if they are similiar (i don't want kids now, but i may want them in the future; i want kids eventually; or i don't ever want kids), then there aren't going to be any regrets. If they are different (i want kids, he says he doesn't--but i know he'll change his mind! This notion is crap. He probably wont and if he doesn't, you're unfulfilled because you dont' get to be a mom, and he wins. You resent him. You get divorced. Or, He gives in, you have kids. He resents you and the kids. you get divorced; he becomes an "absentee parent."), then you are not fundamentally compatable.<br><br><br><br>
And it's not just a "kids" issue. there are many related sub issues in this regard: health, career, female sexuality issues, gender roles, cultural and social identity and outlook, etc. This isn't a simple "we may change our minds"--it's a much more complex issue and outlook.<br><br><br><br>
I also completely agree with Life2K. Parenting is a challenge. A good one if you *choose* it rather than being pressured into it.<br><br><br><br>
Here's a nice diatribe that i wrote on the CFC board on Ivillage.<br><br><br><br><a href="http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlchildless&msg=3400.6" target="_blank">http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/...ess&msg=3400.6</a><br><br><br><br>
goes into some various cultural and feminist theory on the issue, the pressures on child free women (social ramifications), and a few other concerns.
 

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Well he sounds like a really good guy. Whatever happens I do wish you luck figuring things out with him (that's half the fun!)
 

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I've never really had much of a desire to have kids. My boyfriend has told me he wants two. (I've never commented back to him on this I don't think.) Every now and then I get that urge, mostly when I'm around little kids because no matter where I go, they always seem to like me - they start waving and smiling and playing peek-a-boo - and it's so darned cute it gets to me. Plus I used to voluteer reading to elementary school students and they would always come up and hug me afterwards - also got to me! But then the other day I saw this girl I went to school with and she was 9 months pregnant and as big as a house, and all I could think was "ooh, thank goodness that's not me!" Anyway, I never listen to urges - I know it's just hormones or something! Plus, when a guy brings up kids, he's not always saying "I want kids with you."
 

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I always feel opposite when I see a pregnant woman... it is sooooo strange. I think... "oh my gosh I wish I had a baby inside of me!" it is really strange. I know I want some kiddos but not right now and a good question is why would I want to be pregnant? hmmm. then I always think, "of course, if you had a baby now you would not be able to support it. Hold your pants on (ha ha litererally. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">) and wait and you'll have kids later!"
 

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I had never given it that much thought, really. My aunt and uncle had wanted kids for soooo many years but couldn't conceive and went through many failed adoption attempts. We kind of all thought it was too late for them, but 5 months ago they adopted a newborn. It was quite a shock, because they are getting older- this is my Mom's TWIN brother who adopted...and I am my Mom's younger child, 22 years old!<br><br>
I asked my mother what she thought of the whole thing, and she said "Well, I certainly wouldn't want a baby at my age...but, then again, I wouldn't want to go through my whole life without any children." Made me realize how much my parents had wanted me and my brother- something I never really thought about before. And that is pretty special.
 

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I'm lucky b/c the guy I'm dating already has a daughter, so the pressure to have kids is kind of off.<br><br><br><br>
I guess I'm weird in that I have absolutely no opinion on having kids right now. I know I don't want to raise them alone, but other than that I couldn't care less if I had them or not. Which means if I do have kids, I'll have to be with a guy who is completely committed to the idea of having children and is willing to do whatever it takes to make a good home for them. .
 
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